[Fan Fiction]  Beyblade Burst Kings Game

This is my new fan fic. This takes place in a hypothetical with Shu beating Valt in god and the WBBA is controlled by the snake pit and Shu. But instead of the main character being Valt it’s a kid name Lelouch who wants to change the wbba from its corrupted state to its old good state. Will he be able to make a difference? Or will he be destroyed and proven that the snake pit is unstoppable?
(Sep. 15, 2021  10:56 PM)G.O.A.T Blader Wrote: This is my new fan fic. This takes place in a hypothetical with Shu beating Valt in god and the WBBA is controlled by the snake pit and Shu. But instead of the main character being Valt it’s a kid name Lelouch who wants to change the wbba from its corrupted state to its old good state. Will he be able to make a difference? Or will he be destroyed and proven that the snake pit is unstoppable?

Even if Valt lost to Shu he'd still be good just wanted to point that out but I'm not gonna ruin the potential best fanfiction of WBO! (No offense DeltaZakuro) So, yeah, this Fan Fiction has lots of potential and I'm excited to see where it leads!
Interesting plot, im excited to see how this will turn out!
Beyblade Burst Kings Game #1

*6 years ago*

Everyone: Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday dear Shu! Happy birthday to you!

Shu: Thanks everyone!

Shu stares at everyone with a happy smile. Then starts opening his gifts.

Shu: Oh, a new launcher.

Shu looks at the launcher with a fake smile.

Valt: Do you like it!
Shu: Yeah, I do.

Shu then puts the launcher back in its packaging and then opens another one. Shu grabs a lightsaber from the gift package.

Shu: A lightsaber?! I love these things! Who got me this?!
Lelouch: That would be me.

Shu looks at Lelouch with a cheerful smile and Lelouch returns with his own. Valt looks at the two in the corner saddened by Shu’s obvious dislike of the gift. Especially since Valt has been trying to get Shu to blade for years now. Lelouch grabs his own lightsaber and starts fighting Shu with his new one.

Both: *giggles*

*3 years ago*

Shu: Wait you have to leave?
Lelouch: Yeah I’m going to move in a few weeks.
Shu: I’ll miss you when your gone.
Lelouch: Same here.

*During God*

WBBA Announcer: And that’s a burst finish for Red Eye! Strike God Valkyrie has just been shattered into little pieces.

Shu: I win. I WIN!!!!!!

Shu’s aura becomes erratic becoming larger and darker with Shu’s eye and scar glowing a dark red.
Valt: No. Not Valkyrie.

Valt grabs Valkyrie with tears in his eyes,

Valt: How could you do this?
Shu: Your weak Valt. And the only ones who should thrive are the strong.

*In Lelouch’s house*

Lelouch: This can’t be! How could Shu do this? No. This has to be the Bulls doing. Shu would never do this. Shu I promise, one day I’ll come back to Japan; and when I do. I’ll save you.

*Current Day*

A older Lelouch gets on the plane and watches a video.

WBBA Announcer: And that’s another shattered bey! Bel looked like he could beat Shu for a second but those hopes were wiped away in the second round! Can anyone beat Red Eye and his Astral Spriggan?!

Lelouch looks at the video with a discussed face.

Lelouch: Oh I will. I will destroy this beyblade world and make it a new. But first I need my own bey because these beys I use to practice at the WBBA stores aren’t cutting it.

*5 hours later*

Lelouch gets off the plane and leaves the airport. He then gets in his Uber and the Uber drives him to his new apartment. When Lelouch gets there the moving service starts putting his stuff in his apartment. After the workers leave Lelouch lays on his bed thinking.

Lelouch: Should I continue this goal? Is it even realistic?

Lelouch turns his head and sees a photo framed of him, Shu, and Valt all together.

Lelouch: No. What am I even thinking? I must do this. For Shu and for Valt. Even if it means I have to sacrifice my own life and goals.

Lelouch gets up from his bed and gets on his computer doing research and designing his own bey. Lelouch then starts analyzing Shu’s Astral Spriggan and finding ideas to counter it and any bey someone could throw at him.

Lelouch: So since the top bladers are making DB beys right now i guess I’ll do the same. Also since Shu has shown that strongest spin for attack types is likely left spin my bey will be right spin. Then because of this to counter Spriggans attacks I’ll put some rubber on it. But also since it’s only one spin direction and it’s a stamina type I need to get some parts that will allow me to out spin right spins. Or at least let me have good defense against them.

Lelouch looks on his computer and finally decides on his beys design and what it needs for parts.

Lelouch: Alright I’ll get my computer to scan this for any problems which will cause it to not fit on the disc and driver and I’ll go get the parts from the WBBA store.

Lelouch leaves his house and starts walking down the street and sees posters and billboards talking about the best blader in the world Red Eye.

Lelouch: I’m guessing this was posted by the bulls since they have Shu on their team. Though something tells me the bulls alone didn’t do this to Shu. They had to have had help.

Lelouch enters the WBBA store and grabs the disc Giga, the driver Bearing’, and the 3 armor for his DB bey. He then puts the parts on the counter and pays for his parts and leaves the store. Lelouch gets to his house and finds the scans said the beys dimensions were fine and can work. He then started making the beyblade and the next day completed it. Lelouch grabbed his bear and looked at it in happiness.

Lelouch: Now what should I name you?

Lelouch looks at the Blue, white, and gold on the bey and finally comes up with a name.

Lelouch: I’ll name you Dynamite Valac. But one last thing.

Lelouch grabs his new designed F gear on the Dynamite blade completing the bey. Lelouch then looks at the picture of him, Shu, and Valt again and looks at Valac.

Lelouch: Valac. It’s time to get Shu back.

UnseenBurst LegendJustice
(Sep. 16, 2021  3:19 AM)G.O.A.T Blader Wrote: Beyblade Burst Kings Game #1

*6 years ago*

Everyone: Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday dear Shu! Happy birthday to you!

Shu: Thanks everyone!

Shu stares at everyone with a happy smile. Then starts opening his gifts.

Shu: Oh, a new launcher.

Shu looks at the launcher with a fake smile.

Valt: Do you like it!
Shu: Yeah, I do.

Shu then puts the launcher back in its packaging and then opens another one. Shu grabs a lightsaber from the gift package.

Shu: A lightsaber?! I love these things! Who got me this?!
Lelouch: That would be me.

Shu looks at Lelouch with a cheerful smile and Lelouch returns with his own. Valt looks at the two in the corner saddened by Shu’s obvious dislike of the gift. Especially since Valt has been trying to get Shu to blade for years now. Lelouch grabs his own lightsaber and starts fighting Shu with his new one.

Both: *giggles*

*3 years ago*

Shu: Wait you have to leave?
Lelouch: Yeah I’m going to move in a few weeks.
Shu: I’ll miss you when your gone.
Lelouch: Same here.

*During God*

WBBA Announcer: And that’s a burst finish for Red Eye! Strike God Valkyrie has just been shattered into little pieces.

Shu: I win. I WIN!!!!!!

Shu’s aura becomes erratic becoming larger and darker with Shu’s eye and scar glowing a dark red.
Valt: No. Not Valkyrie.

Valt grabs Valkyrie with tears in his eyes,

Valt: How could you do this?
Shu: Your weak Valt. And the only ones who should thrive are the strong.

*In Lelouch’s house*

Lelouch: This can’t be! How could Shu do this? No. This has to be the Bulls doing. Shu would never do this. Shu I promise, one day I’ll come back to Japan; and when I do. I’ll save you.

*Current Day*

A older Lelouch gets on the plane and watches a video.

WBBA Announcer: And that’s another shattered bey! Bel looked like he could beat Shu for a second but those hopes were wiped away in the second round! Can anyone beat Red Eye and his Astral Spriggan?!

Lelouch looks at the video with a discussed face.

Lelouch: Oh I will. I will destroy this beyblade world and make it a new. But first I need my own bey because these beys I use to practice at the WBBA stores aren’t cutting it.

*5 hours later*

Lelouch gets off the plane and leaves the airport. He then gets in his Uber and the Uber drives him to his new apartment. When Lelouch gets there the moving service starts putting his stuff in his apartment. After the workers leave Lelouch lays on his bed thinking.

Lelouch: Should I continue this goal? Is it even realistic?

Lelouch turns his head and sees a photo framed of him, Shu, and Valt all together.

Lelouch: No. What am I even thinking? I must do this. For Shu and for Valt. Even if it means I have to sacrifice my own life and goals.

Lelouch gets up from his bed and gets on his computer doing research and designing his own bey. Lelouch then starts analyzing Shu’s Astral Spriggan and finding ideas to counter it and any bey someone could throw at him.

Lelouch: So since the top bladers are making DB beys right now i guess I’ll do the same. Also since Shu has shown that strongest spin for attack types is likely left spin my bey will be right spin. Then because of this to counter Spriggans attacks I’ll put some rubber on it. But also since it’s only one spin direction and it’s a stamina type I need to get some parts that will allow me to out spin right spins. Or at least let me have good defense against them.

Lelouch looks on his computer and finally decides on his beys design and what it needs for parts.

Lelouch: Alright I’ll get my computer to scan this for any problems which will cause it to not fit on the disc and driver and I’ll go get the parts from the WBBA store.

Lelouch leaves his house and starts walking down the street and sees posters and billboards talking about the best blader in the world Red Eye.

Lelouch: I’m guessing this was posted by the bulls since they have Shu on their team. Though something tells me the bulls alone didn’t do this to Shu. They had to have had help.

Lelouch enters the WBBA store and grabs the disc Giga, the driver Bearing’, and the 3 armor for his DB bey. He then puts the parts on the counter and pays for his parts and leaves the store. Lelouch gets to his house and finds the scans said the beys dimensions were fine and can work. He then started making the beyblade and the next day completed it. Lelouch grabbed his bear and looked at it in happiness.

Lelouch: Now what should I name you?

Lelouch looks at the Blue, white, and gold on the bey and finally comes up with a name.

Lelouch: I’ll name you Dynamite Valac. But one last thing.

Lelouch grabs his new designed F gear on the Dynamite blade completing the bey. Lelouch then looks at the picture of him, Shu, and Valt again and looks at Valac.

Lelouch: Valac. It’s time to get Shu back.

UnseenBurst LegendJustice

(Sep. 16, 2021  3:19 AM)G.O.A.T Blader Wrote: Beyblade Burst Kings Game #1

*6 years ago*

Everyone: Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday dear Shu! Happy birthday to you!

Shu: Thanks everyone!

Shu stares at everyone with a happy smile. Then starts opening his gifts.

Shu: Oh, a new launcher.

Shu looks at the launcher with a fake smile.

Valt: Do you like it!
Shu: Yeah, I do.

Shu then puts the launcher back in its packaging and then opens another one. Shu grabs a lightsaber from the gift package.

Shu: A lightsaber?! I love these things! Who got me this?!
Lelouch: That would be me.

Shu looks at Lelouch with a cheerful smile and Lelouch returns with his own. Valt looks at the two in the corner saddened by Shu’s obvious dislike of the gift. Especially since Valt has been trying to get Shu to blade for years now. Lelouch grabs his own lightsaber and starts fighting Shu with his new one.

Both: *giggles*

*3 years ago*

Shu: Wait you have to leave?
Lelouch: Yeah I’m going to move in a few weeks.
Shu: I’ll miss you when your gone.
Lelouch: Same here.

*During God*

WBBA Announcer: And that’s a burst finish for Red Eye! Strike God Valkyrie has just been shattered into little pieces.

Shu: I win. I WIN!!!!!!

Shu’s aura becomes erratic becoming larger and darker with Shu’s eye and scar glowing a dark red.
Valt: No. Not Valkyrie.

Valt grabs Valkyrie with tears in his eyes,

Valt: How could you do this?
Shu: Your weak Valt. And the only ones who should thrive are the strong.

*In Lelouch’s house*

Lelouch: This can’t be! How could Shu do this? No. This has to be the Bulls doing. Shu would never do this. Shu I promise, one day I’ll come back to Japan; and when I do. I’ll save you.

*Current Day*

A older Lelouch gets on the plane and watches a video.

WBBA Announcer: And that’s another shattered bey! Bel looked like he could beat Shu for a second but those hopes were wiped away in the second round! Can anyone beat Red Eye and his Astral Spriggan?!

Lelouch looks at the video with a discussed face.

Lelouch: Oh I will. I will destroy this beyblade world and make it a new. But first I need my own bey because these beys I use to practice at the WBBA stores aren’t cutting it.

*5 hours later*

Lelouch gets off the plane and leaves the airport. He then gets in his Uber and the Uber drives him to his new apartment. When Lelouch gets there the moving service starts putting his stuff in his apartment. After the workers leave Lelouch lays on his bed thinking.

Lelouch: Should I continue this goal? Is it even realistic?

Lelouch turns his head and sees a photo framed of him, Shu, and Valt all together.

Lelouch: No. What am I even thinking? I must do this. For Shu and for Valt. Even if it means I have to sacrifice my own life and goals.

Lelouch gets up from his bed and gets on his computer doing research and designing his own bey. Lelouch then starts analyzing Shu’s Astral Spriggan and finding ideas to counter it and any bey someone could throw at him.

Lelouch: So since the top bladers are making DB beys right now i guess I’ll do the same. Also since Shu has shown that strongest spin for attack types is likely left spin my bey will be right spin. Then because of this to counter Spriggans attacks I’ll put some rubber on it. But also since it’s only one spin direction and it’s a stamina type I need to get some parts that will allow me to out spin right spins. Or at least let me have good defense against them.

Lelouch looks on his computer and finally decides on his beys design and what it needs for parts.

Lelouch: Alright I’ll get my computer to scan this for any problems which will cause it to not fit on the disc and driver and I’ll go get the parts from the WBBA store.

Lelouch leaves his house and starts walking down the street and sees posters and billboards talking about the best blader in the world Red Eye.

Lelouch: I’m guessing this was posted by the bulls since they have Shu on their team. Though something tells me the bulls alone didn’t do this to Shu. They had to have had help.

Lelouch enters the WBBA store and grabs the disc Giga, the driver Bearing’, and the 3 armor for his DB bey. He then puts the parts on the counter and pays for his parts and leaves the store. Lelouch gets to his house and finds the scans said the beys dimensions were fine and can work. He then started making the beyblade and the next day completed it. Lelouch grabbed his bear and looked at it in happiness.

Lelouch: Now what should I name you?

Lelouch looks at the Blue, white, and gold on the bey and finally comes up with a name.

Lelouch: I’ll name you Dynamite Valac. But one last thing.

Lelouch grabs his new designed F gear on the Dynamite blade completing the bey. Lelouch then looks at the picture of him, Shu, and Valt again and looks at Valac.

Lelouch: Valac. It’s time to get Shu back.

UnseenBurst LegendJustice

This was a good start, but in my opinion, it needs a bit of tweaking. For starters the characters seem out of place, for example, Shu's an awesome friend to Valt he'd do anything for him, and he'd never try to make him upset (If he does he tries fixing it) So just seeing Shu and [Insert Main Character] play with each other leaving Valt just sad that Shu didn't like his gift is just out of character, I know what you're trying to do but try making the characters a bit more like their Anime and/or Manga counterpart. Also, the chapter feels a bit rushed and cramped, I honestly think you could've explained the story a bit better and make it a bit longer. Also, it feels weird that the main character kinda has the same parts as Bell but I can let that slide. Also try putting your chapters in Spoilers, it makes them easier to read. This is how you create spoilers, (Spoiler) {Insert text you want} (/Spoiler) (Replace these () with these []) I'm not trying to be mean here I'm just tryna give some helpful advice, I hope you improve! I know you can!!
(Sep. 16, 2021  4:36 AM)UnseenBurst Wrote:
(Sep. 16, 2021  3:19 AM)G.O.A.T Blader Wrote: Beyblade Burst Kings Game #1

*6 years ago*

Everyone: Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday dear Shu! Happy birthday to you!

Shu: Thanks everyone!

Shu stares at everyone with a happy smile. Then starts opening his gifts.

Shu: Oh, a new launcher.

Shu looks at the launcher with a fake smile.

Valt: Do you like it!
Shu: Yeah, I do.

Shu then puts the launcher back in its packaging and then opens another one. Shu grabs a lightsaber from the gift package.

Shu: A lightsaber?! I love these things! Who got me this?!
Lelouch: That would be me.

Shu looks at Lelouch with a cheerful smile and Lelouch returns with his own. Valt looks at the two in the corner saddened by Shu’s obvious dislike of the gift. Especially since Valt has been trying to get Shu to blade for years now. Lelouch grabs his own lightsaber and starts fighting Shu with his new one.

Both: *giggles*

*3 years ago*

Shu: Wait you have to leave?
Lelouch: Yeah I’m going to move in a few weeks.
Shu: I’ll miss you when your gone.
Lelouch: Same here.

*During God*

WBBA Announcer: And that’s a burst finish for Red Eye! Strike God Valkyrie has just been shattered into little pieces.

Shu: I win. I WIN!!!!!!

Shu’s aura becomes erratic becoming larger and darker with Shu’s eye and scar glowing a dark red.
Valt: No. Not Valkyrie.

Valt grabs Valkyrie with tears in his eyes,

Valt: How could you do this?
Shu: Your weak Valt. And the only ones who should thrive are the strong.

*In Lelouch’s house*

Lelouch: This can’t be! How could Shu do this? No. This has to be the Bulls doing. Shu would never do this. Shu I promise, one day I’ll come back to Japan; and when I do. I’ll save you.

*Current Day*

A older Lelouch gets on the plane and watches a video.

WBBA Announcer: And that’s another shattered bey! Bel looked like he could beat Shu for a second but those hopes were wiped away in the second round! Can anyone beat Red Eye and his Astral Spriggan?!

Lelouch looks at the video with a discussed face.

Lelouch: Oh I will. I will destroy this beyblade world and make it a new. But first I need my own bey because these beys I use to practice at the WBBA stores aren’t cutting it.

*5 hours later*

Lelouch gets off the plane and leaves the airport. He then gets in his Uber and the Uber drives him to his new apartment. When Lelouch gets there the moving service starts putting his stuff in his apartment. After the workers leave Lelouch lays on his bed thinking.

Lelouch: Should I continue this goal? Is it even realistic?

Lelouch turns his head and sees a photo framed of him, Shu, and Valt all together.

Lelouch: No. What am I even thinking? I must do this. For Shu and for Valt. Even if it means I have to sacrifice my own life and goals.

Lelouch gets up from his bed and gets on his computer doing research and designing his own bey. Lelouch then starts analyzing Shu’s Astral Spriggan and finding ideas to counter it and any bey someone could throw at him.

Lelouch: So since the top bladers are making DB beys right now i guess I’ll do the same. Also since Shu has shown that strongest spin for attack types is likely left spin my bey will be right spin. Then because of this to counter Spriggans attacks I’ll put some rubber on it. But also since it’s only one spin direction and it’s a stamina type I need to get some parts that will allow me to out spin right spins. Or at least let me have good defense against them.

Lelouch looks on his computer and finally decides on his beys design and what it needs for parts.

Lelouch: Alright I’ll get my computer to scan this for any problems which will cause it to not fit on the disc and driver and I’ll go get the parts from the WBBA store.

Lelouch leaves his house and starts walking down the street and sees posters and billboards talking about the best blader in the world Red Eye.

Lelouch: I’m guessing this was posted by the bulls since they have Shu on their team. Though something tells me the bulls alone didn’t do this to Shu. They had to have had help.

Lelouch enters the WBBA store and grabs the disc Giga, the driver Bearing’, and the 3 armor for his DB bey. He then puts the parts on the counter and pays for his parts and leaves the store. Lelouch gets to his house and finds the scans said the beys dimensions were fine and can work. He then started making the beyblade and the next day completed it. Lelouch grabbed his bear and looked at it in happiness.

Lelouch: Now what should I name you?

Lelouch looks at the Blue, white, and gold on the bey and finally comes up with a name.

Lelouch: I’ll name you Dynamite Valac. But one last thing.

Lelouch grabs his new designed F gear on the Dynamite blade completing the bey. Lelouch then looks at the picture of him, Shu, and Valt again and looks at Valac.

Lelouch: Valac. It’s time to get Shu back.

UnseenBurst LegendJustice

(Sep. 16, 2021  3:19 AM)G.O.A.T Blader Wrote: Beyblade Burst Kings Game #1

*6 years ago*

Everyone: Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday dear Shu! Happy birthday to you!

Shu: Thanks everyone!

Shu stares at everyone with a happy smile. Then starts opening his gifts.

Shu: Oh, a new launcher.

Shu looks at the launcher with a fake smile.

Valt: Do you like it!
Shu: Yeah, I do.

Shu then puts the launcher back in its packaging and then opens another one. Shu grabs a lightsaber from the gift package.

Shu: A lightsaber?! I love these things! Who got me this?!
Lelouch: That would be me.

Shu looks at Lelouch with a cheerful smile and Lelouch returns with his own. Valt looks at the two in the corner saddened by Shu’s obvious dislike of the gift. Especially since Valt has been trying to get Shu to blade for years now. Lelouch grabs his own lightsaber and starts fighting Shu with his new one.

Both: *giggles*

*3 years ago*

Shu: Wait you have to leave?
Lelouch: Yeah I’m going to move in a few weeks.
Shu: I’ll miss you when your gone.
Lelouch: Same here.

*During God*

WBBA Announcer: And that’s a burst finish for Red Eye! Strike God Valkyrie has just been shattered into little pieces.

Shu: I win. I WIN!!!!!!

Shu’s aura becomes erratic becoming larger and darker with Shu’s eye and scar glowing a dark red.
Valt: No. Not Valkyrie.

Valt grabs Valkyrie with tears in his eyes,

Valt: How could you do this?
Shu: Your weak Valt. And the only ones who should thrive are the strong.

*In Lelouch’s house*

Lelouch: This can’t be! How could Shu do this? No. This has to be the Bulls doing. Shu would never do this. Shu I promise, one day I’ll come back to Japan; and when I do. I’ll save you.

*Current Day*

A older Lelouch gets on the plane and watches a video.

WBBA Announcer: And that’s another shattered bey! Bel looked like he could beat Shu for a second but those hopes were wiped away in the second round! Can anyone beat Red Eye and his Astral Spriggan?!

Lelouch looks at the video with a discussed face.

Lelouch: Oh I will. I will destroy this beyblade world and make it a new. But first I need my own bey because these beys I use to practice at the WBBA stores aren’t cutting it.

*5 hours later*

Lelouch gets off the plane and leaves the airport. He then gets in his Uber and the Uber drives him to his new apartment. When Lelouch gets there the moving service starts putting his stuff in his apartment. After the workers leave Lelouch lays on his bed thinking.

Lelouch: Should I continue this goal? Is it even realistic?

Lelouch turns his head and sees a photo framed of him, Shu, and Valt all together.

Lelouch: No. What am I even thinking? I must do this. For Shu and for Valt. Even if it means I have to sacrifice my own life and goals.

Lelouch gets up from his bed and gets on his computer doing research and designing his own bey. Lelouch then starts analyzing Shu’s Astral Spriggan and finding ideas to counter it and any bey someone could throw at him.

Lelouch: So since the top bladers are making DB beys right now i guess I’ll do the same. Also since Shu has shown that strongest spin for attack types is likely left spin my bey will be right spin. Then because of this to counter Spriggans attacks I’ll put some rubber on it. But also since it’s only one spin direction and it’s a stamina type I need to get some parts that will allow me to out spin right spins. Or at least let me have good defense against them.

Lelouch looks on his computer and finally decides on his beys design and what it needs for parts.

Lelouch: Alright I’ll get my computer to scan this for any problems which will cause it to not fit on the disc and driver and I’ll go get the parts from the WBBA store.

Lelouch leaves his house and starts walking down the street and sees posters and billboards talking about the best blader in the world Red Eye.

Lelouch: I’m guessing this was posted by the bulls since they have Shu on their team. Though something tells me the bulls alone didn’t do this to Shu. They had to have had help.

Lelouch enters the WBBA store and grabs the disc Giga, the driver Bearing’, and the 3 armor for his DB bey. He then puts the parts on the counter and pays for his parts and leaves the store. Lelouch gets to his house and finds the scans said the beys dimensions were fine and can work. He then started making the beyblade and the next day completed it. Lelouch grabbed his bear and looked at it in happiness.

Lelouch: Now what should I name you?

Lelouch looks at the Blue, white, and gold on the bey and finally comes up with a name.

Lelouch: I’ll name you Dynamite Valac. But one last thing.

Lelouch grabs his new designed F gear on the Dynamite blade completing the bey. Lelouch then looks at the picture of him, Shu, and Valt again and looks at Valac.

Lelouch: Valac. It’s time to get Shu back.

UnseenBurst LegendJustice

This was a good start, but in my opinion, it needs a bit of tweaking. For starters the characters seem out of place, for example, Shu's an awesome friend to Valt he'd do anything for him, and he'd never try to make him upset (If he does he tries fixing it) So just seeing Shu and [Insert Main Character] play with each other leaving Valt just sad that Shu didn't like his gift is just out of character, I know what you're trying to do but try making the characters a bit more like their Anime and/or Manga counterpart. Also, the chapter feels a bit rushed and cramped, I honestly think you could've explained the story a bit better and make it a bit longer. Also, it feels weird that the main character kinda has the same parts as Bell but I can let that slide. Also try putting your chapters in Spoilers, it makes them easier to read. This is how you create spoilers, (Spoiler) {Insert text you want} (/Spoiler) (Replace these () with these []) I'm not trying to be mean here I'm just tryna give some helpful advice, I hope you improve! I know you can!!

Thanks for the advice I’ll do that
Beyblade Burst Kings Game #2


UnseenBurst LegendJustice I hope this is a better chapter
Beyblade Burst Kings Game #3


UnseenBurst LegendJustice if it’s ok i would like to hear what you think of these chapters so I can keep continuing it and the next ones.
(Sep. 19, 2021  10:47 PM)G.O.A.T Blader Wrote: Beyblade Burst Kings Game #3


UnseenBurst LegendJustice if it’s ok i would like to hear what you think of these chapters so I can keep continuing it and the next ones.

dang this looks interesting i'll read it! dang this came out when i couldn't get on my computer
(Sep. 19, 2021  10:47 PM)G.O.A.T Blader Wrote: Beyblade Burst Kings Game #3


UnseenBurst LegendJustice if it’s ok i would like to hear what you think of these chapters so I can keep continuing it and the next ones.

This chapter seemed... A bit extreme, I personally thought it was awesome reminding me a bit of Mission Impossible or something like that but just remember that WBO is super strict on violence and that kind of stuff. I'm not saying it was violent but maybe in the next chapter tone it down a bit. Just to be safe.

My Thoughts About The Chapter

(Sep. 19, 2021  10:47 PM)G.O.A.T Blader Wrote: Beyblade Burst Kings Game #3


UnseenBurst LegendJustice if it’s ok i would like to hear what you think of these chapters so I can keep continuing it and the next ones.

huh i read it and it's pretty interesting to have a beyblade series that's focus on chess or checkers! i also like the suspense in this episode, like when lelouch, bell, and gwyn were investigating the snake pit area!
(Sep. 19, 2021  11:12 PM)GenesisBlader Wrote:
(Sep. 19, 2021  10:47 PM)G.O.A.T Blader Wrote: Beyblade Burst Kings Game #3


UnseenBurst LegendJustice if it’s ok i would like to hear what you think of these chapters so I can keep continuing it and the next ones.

huh i read it and it's pretty interesting to have a beyblade series that's focus on chess or checkers! i also like the suspense in this episode, like when lelouch, bell, and gwyn were investigating the snake pit area!

Thanks

(Sep. 19, 2021  11:11 PM)UnseenBurst Wrote:
(Sep. 19, 2021  10:47 PM)G.O.A.T Blader Wrote: Beyblade Burst Kings Game #3


UnseenBurst LegendJustice if it’s ok i would like to hear what you think of these chapters so I can keep continuing it and the next ones.

This chapter seemed... A bit extreme, I personally thought it was awesome reminding me a bit of Mission Impossible or something like that but just remember that WBO is super strict on violence and that kind of stuff. I'm not saying it was violent but maybe in the next chapter tone it down a bit. Just to be safe.

My Thoughts About The Chapter


Thanks, if you don’t mind can I get your thoughts on the second episode. If you don’t have time or don’t want to you don’t have to. It’s just for interest and to see if I need to improve on anything in that one.
(Sep. 19, 2021  11:30 PM)G.O.A.T Blader Wrote:
(Sep. 19, 2021  11:12 PM)GenesisBlader Wrote: huh i read it and it's pretty interesting to have a beyblade series that's focus on chess or checkers! i also like the suspense in this episode, like when lelouch, bell, and gwyn were investigating the snake pit area!

Thanks

(Sep. 19, 2021  11:11 PM)UnseenBurst Wrote: This chapter seemed... A bit extreme, I personally thought it was awesome reminding me a bit of Mission Impossible or something like that but just remember that WBO is super strict on violence and that kind of stuff. I'm not saying it was violent but maybe in the next chapter tone it down a bit. Just to be safe.

My Thoughts About The Chapter


Thanks, if you don’t mind can I get your thoughts on the second episode. If you don’t have time or don’t want to you don’t have to. It’s just for interest and to see if I need to improve on anything in that one.

The Second chapter was good too! Sisco Vs Lelouch was an awesome battle! And now, Lelouch has a bond with his Bey Valaac, it wasn't as good as this one but an awesome chapter to build up a bond between Blader and Bey! Rating: 7/10! Nice going on that one, you'll get the hang of this soon
(Sep. 19, 2021  11:38 PM)UnseenBurst Wrote:
(Sep. 19, 2021  11:30 PM)G.O.A.T Blader Wrote: Thanks


Thanks, if you don’t mind can I get your thoughts on the second episode. If you don’t have time or don’t want to you don’t have to. It’s just for interest and to see if I need to improve on anything in that one.

The Second chapter was good too! Sisco Vs Lelouch was an awesome battle! And now, Lelouch has a bond with his Bey Valaac, it wasn't as good as this one but an awesome chapter to build up a bond between Blader and Bey! Rating: 7/10! Nice going on that one, you'll get the hang of this soon

Alright thanks. I bet I will eventually especially from last chapter.
Beyblade Burst Kings Game #4


UnseenBurst LegendJustice GenesisBlader
(Sep. 21, 2021  1:46 AM)G.O.A.T Blader Wrote: Beyblade Burst Kings Game #4


UnseenBurst LegendJustice GenesisBlader

sorry dude i cant read it right now, i have to go to bed, but i will be sure to read it tomorrow!
Beyblade Burst Kings Game #5


GenesisBlader UnseenBurst LegendJustice sorry for the late chapter I had school and I also wanted to make this chapter good