Hi guys, I'm litlleboy92 and I am going to write a story. It is called "The Search". This is my first beystory. I hope you like it! I am also open to all criticism!


Chapter1

Spoiler (Click to View)

It was a warm, cool, crisp August day while I was shuffling through the leaves of the Ritlet Park. I had nothing to do but to just walk. Some people were staring at me as like I am homeless. I never had what all kids have, a beyblade. I have wanted a beyblade for my whole life. It looked fun to play with.
As I was walking, I heard laughter, shouting, and metal clanging together. If only my mom would buy me a beyblade. Just one.
I walked back home and opened the front door to my house.
"Hey mom," I said.
She asked," Why do you have a sad look on your face?"
"I just wanted to get a beyblade," I said.
She added,"Well okay then let's go!"
I exclaimed,"Really?"
We opened the garage while my mom turned on the car. We drove and drove to Target. We finally arrived. My mom and I walked through the sliding door. Once we passed the sliding doors I told my mom to run. She followed me around turns. Finally we reached the beyblade section.
"I only have 30 dollars.",she said. I looked at all the beyblades. Dark gasher, Flame libra, Storm pegasus, Burn Fireblaze, and Rock orso. I didn't know what to get.
I was at the Self checkout aisle while holding an L-Drago stadium, Rock orso, and Flame Libra.
When we finished the check out I had to wait until we reach home to open it.
I thought,"Oh I can't wait to open it."
When I got home, I rushed in the house forgetting to take off my shoes. I opened the beyblades as fast as I can. I remembered this Youtube video on how to straighten your ripcord. I went in the restroom to do it. When I was finished, I put my ripcord in the launcher, attached the bey, and launched Flame libra first. Then I launched Rock orso into the stadium.
I thought to myself while the beys were clashing,"I'll keep training them until I mastered their special moves and the bey itself. I'll try Flame libra first." I trained everyday until I knew I mastered it and that day was the first day of school.
"Perfect timing", I said. I then put my beyblades away except for Flame libra and his launcher, and got ready for school.
I then went to school,ate breakfast and talked to my friends until the bell rings for class. I was a normal 5th grader walking to class.
When school was over, I launched straight out of the classroom. I wasn't paying attention to where I was going so I bumped into a 6th grader.
"Watch where you are going, kid. Well I'm not letting you off the hook. Let's battle." he said.
"Okay," I said nervously.

Chapter 2

Spoiler (Click to View)

I pulled out my launcher trembling with fear. I attached my bey as he attached his. I noticed how his was not a full bey. It was customized. Fighting the tears was hard for me as I had lost my dad and the bully looked like my dad.
"3, 2, 1, LET IT RIP!", we both shouted. The beys were on a stadium that a kid had volunteered for us to use. A crowd started nearby. I noticed how his was circling around mine. My stamina type could outlast him if his is not an attack.
"Come on Striker, Go!", he yelled. Striker launched straight for me.
"Dodge it Libra", I said. Libra dodged the hit, and followed Striker. Libra was gaining on him. At last Libra hit Striker from the back.
I thought to myself,"This is my chance to do a special move like the one in the cartoon. Yu is my inspiration!"
"Special Move, Last Judgement Inferno!!!!",I shouted. A green yellow-ish color shaped like a tunnel came shooting up in the sky pulling his beyblade in. The power was so strong that before the bully's beyblade got close to Libra, it was flying out of the stadium. When the battle was over, the bully grabbed his bey as fast as he could and ran. The crowd cheered for me. I checked my watch and it was 2:57.
"Good", I said. I was supposed to be home by 3:00. I walked to the door, and unlocked it. I walked in and said Hi to my Mom while she was doing the dishes. I went upstairs and started to do my homework. I finished at 3:10. After I finished my homework I went searching for my beyblades.
"AHHH", I heard my mom yell. I ran downstairs as fast as I can.
"Sam I just lost my ring that your dad gave me! That was a precious ring. It was the key to a special place, Sam",she told me. "I was going to give it to you tomorrow. But now I have lost it.", she said.
"I can't breathe Sam", she said a few minutes later.
"Mom, NO!", I yelled.

It's OK, but the plot looks too simple and straight forward.

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Let the wings of hope spread to the whole world!

New story :
http://worldbeyblade.org/Thread-Yoku-s-s...ary-Hereos

I actually really like this. It's completely realistic, however, a mother is normally not so eager to drop what she is doing and run to the store. Maybe you should make it so she goes on a weekend? Then you can add in how your character waited and what he did during that time.

I think you should work on some sentences that don't consist of one independent clause. Try using some transitions. Like, "While I had nothing to do but to just walk, people would stare at me as if I was homeless." Your sentences are too short, which doesn't help the story flow.

Thanks for helping me!

Does anyone read this?

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uhhhh i would IF you posted the next chap..............

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||DeviantArt||

I'll post it later tomorrow.

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You should make it so the main character customises, it would make it a bit more original.

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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Little...n_cast.png
Dancing Rayquaza...will never get old :3

I actually really like this. It's completely realistic, however, a mother is normally not so eager to drop what she is doing and run to the store. Maybe you should make it so she goes on a weekend? Then you can add in how your character waited and what he did during that time.

I think you should work on some sentences that don't consist of one independent clause. Try using some transitions. Like, "While I had nothing to do but to just walk, people would stare at me as if I was homeless." Your sentences are too short, which doesn't help the story flow.

I seriously agree to what you said.
Your story is greatly realistic, I won't tell you to be original as there is simply nothing you can be 'original' about in a beyblade-related story. You may just make different characters and storylines, but the plot will usually be the same.
All in all, just a few things you must take care of. Those are listed by Deikailo already. About the final part, you must have described 'your' condition when you slammed into that 6th grader. Like(just an example, I ain't good at writing)-
"Watch where you are going, kid. Well I'm not letting you off the hook. Let's battle." he said.
My body started to tremble, I thought I was losing control over the situation. Tears began to roll down my eyes. But, I realized, "No, I have trained a lot with my Libra. I will not lose. Even though I may not be as strong as him, but I certainly won't go away without trying". These thoughts gave me the courage to go on. I gave the arrogant sixth grader a confident gesture, directing him towards the school's beystadium. We took our positions, and were ready to battle.
3...2...1...LET IT RIP!
To be continued...


Whoa! Its been so long since I wrote something!
I suggest you to watch some plastic generation battles, especially the ones involving Kai. This would give you an idea of how to write a beybattle. You see, the dialogues and phrases which Kai says are way too good and will help you.
Here's one example- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Wgx5Ri5ayk Observe the way they talk.
Notice how Kai infuriates King towards the end by saying- "Looks like I'm a slow learner".
That's how you must incorporate dialogues to your characters during battles!

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Team IB Revolutions

Thanks to N0body for the avatar and Synth for the signature!

its realy nice

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''My Spartans are humanity's next step, our destiny as a species. Do not underestimate them,
but most of all, do not underestimate...him.''

Spoiler (Click to View)

I seriously want a Takara beystadium. Can u give me one for free?

I think its too fast paced, as well as being riddled with grammatical errors and perhaps typing mistakes. Although, I do like the originality.

When school was over, I launched straight out of the classroom. I was paying attention to where I was going so I bumped into a 6th grader. (Common error, wasn't may have been the word you were looking for)

I was at the Self checkout. (Capital S)

It was a warm, cool, crisp August day (Why so many adjectives)

Try to avoid routine. I understand its supposed to be realistic, though this sounds really horrible:

I woke up, brushed my teeth, went to the toilet, said hi to Mum, ate breakfast and went to school.

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Although I am inactive, check out my YouTube account for existing Skyrim tutorials.
Skyrim Guides:

• One-Handed And Dual Wielding Guide
  
• ETA Next Guide: 8/9/12

Chapter 2 is out!!

Spoiler (Click to View)

I pulled out my launcher trembling with fear. I attached my bey as he attached his. I noticed how his was not a full bey. It was customized. Fighting the tears was hard for me as I had lost my dad and the bully looked like my dad.
"3, 2, 1, LET IT RIP!", we both shouted. The beys were on a stadium that a kid had volunteered for us to use. A crowd started nearby. I noticed how his was circling around mine. My stamina type could outlast him if his is not an attack.
"Come on Striker, Go!", he yelled. Striker launched straight for me.
"Dodge it Libra", I said. Libra dodged the hit, and followed Striker. Libra was gaining on him. At last Libra hit Striker from the back.
I thought to myself,"This is my chance to do a special move like the one in the cartoon. Yu is my inspiration!"
"Special Move, Last Judgement Inferno!!!!",I shouted. A green yellow-ish color shaped like a tunnel came shooting up in the sky pulling his beyblade in. The power was so strong that before the bully's beyblade got close to Libra, it was flying out of the stadium. When the battle was over, the bully grabbed his bey as fast as he could and ran. The crowd cheered for me. I checked my watch and it was 2:57.
"Good", I said. I was supposed to be home by 3:00. I walked to the door, and unlocked it. I walked in and said Hi to my Mom while she was doing the dishes. I went upstairs and started to do my homework. I finished at 3:10. After I finished my homework I went searching for my beyblades.
"AHHH", I heard my mom yell. I ran downstairs as fast as I can.
"Sam I just lost my ring that your dad gave me! That was a precious ring. It was the key to a special place, Sam",she told me. "I was going to give it to you tomorrow. But now I have lost it.", she said.
"I can't breathe Sam", she said a few minutes later.
"Mom NO!", I yelled.

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Epic, very nice twist in the story, work on your quotations like:

I quietly muttered, "Dante, you have no choice, leave, now!" - extract of The True Snipe of Revenge Chapter 7b

this is an example of proper quotations and speech.

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||Avatar is a gift not my own work||
||DeviantArt||

Epic, very nice twist in the story, work on your quotations like:

I quietly muttered, "Dante, you have no choice, leave, now!" - extract of The True Snipe of Revenge Chapter 7b

this is an example of proper quotations and speech.

Yes. It wasn't fast paced either. Nice work

yep, good work! KIU! really keep it up! and also, read the WBO Writing Standards thread, will help you some more in making your story from great to awesome

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||Avatar is a gift not my own work||
||DeviantArt||

y r u not posting any more chapters

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''My Spartans are humanity's next step, our destiny as a species. Do not underestimate them,
but most of all, do not underestimate...him.''

Spoiler (Click to View)

I seriously want a Takara beystadium. Can u give me one for free?

I will try to post some up during the month of February. Sorry to keep every one of my fans waiting.

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Alright. You asked for this. And I won't sugar-coat anything. (Don't worry. It isn't bad.)

The story's first chapter goes too fast; as a writer, you should take some time to describe what's happening in the story so the reader can completely imagine what the current scene looks like There are some grammatical and punctuation errors here and there. But it doesn't detract a lot from the main problem which is your description. Still, fix them for the next chapter.

Characters 5/10 - Like Deikailo said a long time ago, a mom wouldn't just get out of the house and go with her son/daughter to buy something. Try keeping things realistic since normally, a mom also wouldn't so quickly agree to buy a toy.

Plot (No Score) - It is still to early to determine the whole story idea so determining the plot is quite impossible.

Originality 9/10 - This is quite original since it is very realistic. So I'll give a 9. But avoid making cliches.

Grammar, Punctuation, Spelling and Spacing 6/10: You have a medium amount of mistakes, specifically in grammar, punctuation and spacing. Fix those and the story will be so much better.

Overall 8/10 - Overall, the story is currently really original which is good. Keep that up and avoid cliches. Fix the mistakes and improve your format/spacing. After that, the next big step is to continue writing it.

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"You want something to happen? Make it happen."
[Novel] The Andromeda Files : The End Of Eternity

Beys are not toys!!! Anyone who calls beyblades 'toys' does not deserve to be a blader!

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I just order form bimsum2u and I order a bey and launcher the bey was fang Leone that cool right

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B-)B-)

Really Good

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Crafted by the crown metals and jewls of the actient Eqyptiens, with the help of the birds that flew over them with a grace, Earth Eagle was born