Nope it doesn't sound like "this is AWESOME"

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"It is written among the limitless constellations of the celestial heavens, and in the depths of the emerald seas, and upon every grain of sand in the vast deserts, that the world which we see is an outed and visible dream of an inward and invisible reality." - Opening narration, The Thief and the Cobbler (original workprint)

Update: The Chapter 2 revision's going good.

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"It is written among the limitless constellations of the celestial heavens, and in the depths of the emerald seas, and upon every grain of sand in the vast deserts, that the world which we see is an outed and visible dream of an inward and invisible reality." - Opening narration, The Thief and the Cobbler (original workprint)

NOTICE: I was revising Chapter 2 when I came up with a scene where our heroes show up in a convenience store that sells Battle Strikers stuff, gets shown a video about Battle Strikers, and meet Zane.

Hey Temporal, how do you think that sounds?

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"It is written among the limitless constellations of the celestial heavens, and in the depths of the emerald seas, and upon every grain of sand in the vast deserts, that the world which we see is an outed and visible dream of an inward and invisible reality." - Opening narration, The Thief and the Cobbler (original workprint)

Hm. That sounds like it could work as long as you don't overdo the surprise that BS is similar to Beyblade. I guess you should also avoid alienating characters like Zane or even Milly. She seems like a character you could forget if you're not careful.

Don't worry, I'll be careful!

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"It is written among the limitless constellations of the celestial heavens, and in the depths of the emerald seas, and upon every grain of sand in the vast deserts, that the world which we see is an outed and visible dream of an inward and invisible reality." - Opening narration, The Thief and the Cobbler (original workprint)

So, uh, anybody got any ideas for Chapter 3?

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"It is written among the limitless constellations of the celestial heavens, and in the depths of the emerald seas, and upon every grain of sand in the vast deserts, that the world which we see is an outed and visible dream of an inward and invisible reality." - Opening narration, The Thief and the Cobbler (original workprint)

Let something from Chapter 2 carry you into it. Develop one chapter into another, improving as you go. That's the best advice I've got.

ok then

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"It is written among the limitless constellations of the celestial heavens, and in the depths of the emerald seas, and upon every grain of sand in the vast deserts, that the world which we see is an outed and visible dream of an inward and invisible reality." - Opening narration, The Thief and the Cobbler (original workprint)

To be frank, your best bet is to develop more on the characters. That usually makes for a nice third or fourth chapter.

I'll keep that in mind!

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"It is written among the limitless constellations of the celestial heavens, and in the depths of the emerald seas, and upon every grain of sand in the vast deserts, that the world which we see is an outed and visible dream of an inward and invisible reality." - Opening narration, The Thief and the Cobbler (original workprint)

Wow, I thought I was gonna have to post a review, but Temporal stole all of my thoughts. Just re-read what the stuff about character development and the chapter carry-over. Cliff hangers are a must!

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"Life isn't about how hard you can hit;
it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward"
{[YT]} [|BEYBLOG|] (â—ŠSoG-My Bookâ—Š)/<DA>\

You know guys, there are 4-6 paragraphs in Chapter 2 so far, and I'm trying to figure how I'd end it!

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"It is written among the limitless constellations of the celestial heavens, and in the depths of the emerald seas, and upon every grain of sand in the vast deserts, that the world which we see is an outed and visible dream of an inward and invisible reality." - Opening narration, The Thief and the Cobbler (original workprint)

Cliffhanger? That should work.

good idea

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Chapter 2: Enter Zane!

After what seemed to be hours of pure blackness, when actually only ONE hour has passed, Reiji woke up to see Alister, Jackie, and Milly looking down on him. He lets out a startled yell. "Hey, don't startle me like that guys! I would've gotten a heart attack!", shrieked the Japanese kid as he jumped up. Milly apologized to Reiji. Jackie then gets in his face, ranting about how it was his idea to open a wormhole in the first place and how they might not be able to get back to their world, and Reiji argued back to Jackie, much to the annoyance of Alister. He then says to the quarreling bladers with a stern tone, "Stop this arguing, you two! You're acting like an elderly married couple! Plus, there may be people staring at the both of you awkwardly at this very moment!", as he and Milly break them up.

After that, they decided to try and find out what kind of world they've landed in and figure out a way to get back to their world. They also noticed that they still have their Beyblades, as well as their Beyblading equipment, including their Beypoint Cards. Their current location, was a park, which means that there could be a town nearby. They decided to go to the town to have a look-see there. When they arrived, Reiji took notice of the town's welcome sign and it reads 'Welcome to Oceanview, You'd best have a good time here!'. Reiji was about to say something when Milly said, "No need to announce it, we've read the welcome sign too.", and they continued on. They then noticed the lack of WBBA shops, and Reiji decided to be wise and not state the obvious about it. Well, they didn't find a WBBA store, but they did find a convenience store, but it's not what caught their attention. It's what's on the store's window that snared our heroes' interest: a large, black poster reading 'We sell Battle Strikers Turbo Tops here!'

"Battle Strikers, huh? Let's have a look at them", said Alister as he and his compatriots and rival walk into the convenience store. They then walk up to the counter where the clerk was looking over the money in the cash register before closing its drawer. The clerk sees them and greets them with a smile and a gruff voice, "Hey, kids, what can I do for ya?". Alister clears his throat and replies calmly, "Sir, we're new here in this town, and me and my compatriots would like to know about Battle Strikers" The clerk thought for a moment and grinned, "You guys don't know nothing about Battle Strikers? Well, watch this, you kids are gonna love it!", as he took a remote control, and pushing a button it, causing the three foremost front floor tiles in front of the counter to flip open like lids and up, on a shaft, came a flat-screen plasma monitor. The monitor then showed footage of two kids battling what appears to be tops manipulated by what seems to be a sort of magnetic finger controller, the gameplay rules of Battle Strikers, and the many ways they can be customized, and what caught Alister's interest in the film most of all, are the spirit beasts known as StrikerSouls. The video was 30 minutes long and they finished watching it, Milly asks the clerk politely, "Excuse me, do you know where I could download Battle Strikers data?" The clerk smiled and pointed to a computer terminal with the Battle Strikers logo on it and said, "Right over there! Plus, it's free!"

Milly then walks over to the terminal, uplinks her laptop to it, and starts downloading useful Battle Striker data. As she stared at the very data she's downloading with great interest, another person then comes into the store through the door. He is a red-haired kid with a confident look on his face, wearing a white t-shirt with an abbreviated version of the Battle Strikers logo on it, blue jeans with a belt around it. On that belt is a Battle Striker launcher, a finger controller, and a red-and-silvery colored Striker with a dragon-like motif, and it's glowing for some reason. The clerk turned to see the boy, and greets him, "Hey, Zane, anything I can do for you?". The boy, indentified as Zane, smirked and replied, "Yeah. Dragonfire's been acting weird on the way here, and by weird I meant 'glowing for no good reason' kind of weird. It's as if he's sensing some kinda foreign presence!". As soon as Zane said that, our bladers (Milly finished downloading the data she needed on Battle Strikers) quickly scrambled into their pockets, pulling out their Beyblades, and strangely enough, they're glowing too! "Whoa, you too?!", asks an awestruck Zane. Reiji then replied, "Oh, you better believe it, man!", as he looks over his Vulcanium Ra D:D-M as it glowed. Milly thought as her Bey glows in her hand, "Virgo, what is causing you to glow like this? Of course! Zane's Battle Striker, Dragonfire, must have a StrikerSoul and it is reacting to the presence of our Bey Spirits, and it's also the other way around!", and yeah, that's what Milly thought. Zane then asks Alister, "Hey, what kind of Battle Strikers are these? They don't look like that they'd be magnetically-controlled!". Alister frowns, knowing that he might potentially waste time explaining Beyblades to Zane, but Reiji assured to Alister that he'll do the explaining instead.

EDIT (8/11/11): FIX'D! :)

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"It is written among the limitless constellations of the celestial heavens, and in the depths of the emerald seas, and upon every grain of sand in the vast deserts, that the world which we see is an outed and visible dream of an inward and invisible reality." - Opening narration, The Thief and the Cobbler (original workprint)

so, what do you think of Chapter 2? If you think it's not THAT great, I'll adjust a few things

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"It is written among the limitless constellations of the celestial heavens, and in the depths of the emerald seas, and upon every grain of sand in the vast deserts, that the world which we see is an outed and visible dream of an inward and invisible reality." - Opening narration, The Thief and the Cobbler (original workprint)

It's pretty good. The spelling is nice, the grammar is good, and the execution is decent. Keep at it, you'll reach a breaking point when the story will blossom on it's own. Until then, you've got to make chapters the way YOU want to, or you may not get to that turning point.

Thanks, man!

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"It is written among the limitless constellations of the celestial heavens, and in the depths of the emerald seas, and upon every grain of sand in the vast deserts, that the world which we see is an outed and visible dream of an inward and invisible reality." - Opening narration, The Thief and the Cobbler (original workprint)

When I get a chance, I'll start on Chapter 3!

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"It is written among the limitless constellations of the celestial heavens, and in the depths of the emerald seas, and upon every grain of sand in the vast deserts, that the world which we see is an outed and visible dream of an inward and invisible reality." - Opening narration, The Thief and the Cobbler (original workprint)

cool

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he so fast andcool[/size]

@ Benkei Hanawa: May I ask, "what's cool?"

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"It is written among the limitless constellations of the celestial heavens, and in the depths of the emerald seas, and upon every grain of sand in the vast deserts, that the world which we see is an outed and visible dream of an inward and invisible reality." - Opening narration, The Thief and the Cobbler (original workprint)

I am happy to announce that Chapter 3 is in the works!

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"It is written among the limitless constellations of the celestial heavens, and in the depths of the emerald seas, and upon every grain of sand in the vast deserts, that the world which we see is an outed and visible dream of an inward and invisible reality." - Opening narration, The Thief and the Cobbler (original workprint)

So, do you think this story should have a soundtrack?

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"It is written among the limitless constellations of the celestial heavens, and in the depths of the emerald seas, and upon every grain of sand in the vast deserts, that the world which we see is an outed and visible dream of an inward and invisible reality." - Opening narration, The Thief and the Cobbler (original workprint)

Not really. Breaking up a story like that would ruin it.

Okay, that's all I want to know

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"It is written among the limitless constellations of the celestial heavens, and in the depths of the emerald seas, and upon every grain of sand in the vast deserts, that the world which we see is an outed and visible dream of an inward and invisible reality." - Opening narration, The Thief and the Cobbler (original workprint)

Hey, I've gotten an idea for the story's plot: I'll depict the Tornado Battler Beys as special prototype Beyblades with specialized Spin Tracks and Performance Tips, that Reiji read up on, prior to the events of the story, and sometime into the story, they meet a guy who is somehow in possession of one of those unique Beyblades, and he claimed to have stolen it. Reiji, being Reiji, challenges the man for the fate of the 'stolen' prototype T.B. Bey, gets too cocky and loses, and the man then said to the gang that he never really did steal it, and that the Bey was given to him as a gift.

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"It is written among the limitless constellations of the celestial heavens, and in the depths of the emerald seas, and upon every grain of sand in the vast deserts, that the world which we see is an outed and visible dream of an inward and invisible reality." - Opening narration, The Thief and the Cobbler (original workprint)