Chapter 1

Our story begins with our hero Andrew as he gets ready to battle Billy.
"You ready yet Andrew?" Billy said as he held up his bey.
"Yeah just give me a second." Andrew said as he for his winder.
"Okay, found it!" Andrew said.
"3..2..1..LET IT RIP!" They both said as they launched their beys.
Their started to clash in the the small stadium. Then, Andrew's bey charged at Billy's bey sending it flying.
"NO!!" Billy said as he tried to catch his bey.
"Yeah great battle, I've gotta go!!" Andrew said as he ran off
Andrew ran off to the old building.
"Man, where is he?" Carlos asked as he waited for Andrew.
Andrew ran and ran, trying make it in time. He then opened the door and ran up the stairs. Carlos saw the door swing open.
"Well it's about time, Andrew." Carlos said as he pulled out his bey.
"Okay Carlos, ready for me and Kid Dranzer. Andrew said as he showed his bey off.
"Good luck against my, Draciel DX." Carlos said he pulled out his bey.
"3..2..1..LET IT...

End of chapter 1

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This story has way too much dialogue and not enough descriptions. You never described anything about the characters other than there names. What do they look like, how old are they, what are they wearing? Also, you never said anything about Billy's beyblade, and only gave the names of Carlos and Andrew's beyblades. If this is a beyblade story, why didn't you tell us what they looked like or what parts they were made up of? You need to describe them to us!

On another note, I had no idea where the first battle was taking place or what the old building was. You never told us where anything in the first part of the story was. Also, you never described anything in the setting. You could have described the old building, bu instead you just told us that it was old. Were there any paint chippings on it, was it rotting away, what was around it? The lack of description in this really makes it impossible for us to know anything that is going on.

One last thing. DON'T TAKE CHARACTER REQUESTS!!! At least try to give us a good set of core characters that we can get used to before openeing up your story to the terrifying world of character requests. It would be pointless to have a whole lot of characters that are poorly designed, because we will have no way to connect with them. Make the characters that you have right now the best that they can be and then, if you really want to, take a few character requests.

Overall:
-Your story lacks a lot of needed details. Please, try to work on this in the future.
-The characters have no description whatsoever.
-The beyblades also have no description.
-You have too much dialogue. Try to mix the dialogue in with some good description.
-This part is pretty short. Try to increase the length of chapters later on,because the more that we have to read, the more interested we will be. Keep in mind that quality is better than quantity, so if you are forced to make a short but good chapter or a long but sloppy chapter, do the short one.
-PROOFREAD! There are some spots in here where you are missing words and have grammatic mistakes. Proofreading will help to fix this.
-PLEASE DON'T TAKE CHARACTER REQUESTS!!!

That is pretty much all that I have to say. Please, don't take any of this the wrong way. Just work on these things and the story could be pretty successful. Lastly, you might want to try reading this, or some other good stories around the site to learn from them, before you venture any further, and you might want to edit this chapter as well. http://worldbeyblade.org/Thread-The-Writers-Handbook

I wish you the best of luck with writing this and improving it

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Check out my newest stories, Lost in Darkness, and The Arsonists!

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^Exactly what I was going to say, in so many words. I didn't understand a thing in this story. There's no context. It's just a random battle, that's all I see. It has no meaning. Really, you need to work on this. At least it is better than some of the other stories, seeing as you actually capitalize and punctuate. However, GET RID OF THE CHARACTER REQUESTS. It's begging for disaster.

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Otaku Space | Signature by Medz | YouTube

I am a genius with powers from out of this world.

Yes i noticed alot of that but i should have mentioned that billys bey was a generic run of the mill bey if you get my drift. If you watched the original beyblade you can notice some similarities (not). And yes i now see the missing words now im some what of a fast writer and have a bad memory. As for character requests.... your right. one reason i do that is because i make character requests on MULTIPLE stories and its only fair to do that (i think). but i will take it off because ive noticed so many people (Izuma Inzori no offence) have totally made an over the top ridiculous request. and yes i read so many good stories but i seem to how you say really forget to sink in that writing. As for diolouge, ya i noticed i have a lot of diolouge but i can sometimes be some what worried that my story will be NOTHING BUT description with like 2 lines of diolouge.
so i thank you both for the critique. XD

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Yes i noticed alot of that but i should have mentioned that billys bey was a generic run of the mill bey if you get my drift. If you watched the original beyblade you can notice some similarities (not). And yes i now see the missing words now im some what of a fast writer and have a bad memory. As for character requests.... your right. one reason i do that is because i make character requests on MULTIPLE stories and its only fair to do that (i think). but i will take it off because ive noticed so many people (Izuma Inzori no offence) have totally made an over the top ridiculous request. and yes i read so many good stories but i seem to how you say really forget to sink in that writing. As for diolouge, ya i noticed i have a lot of diolouge but i can sometimes be some what worried that my story will be NOTHING BUT description with like 2 lines of diolouge.
so i thank you both for the critique. XD stupid double post

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>Character Requests
Stopped having interest there.

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How do I still have 15th most posts here...?

Chapter 2-Vs. Carlos

Before the battle, there was a cold breeze. Carlos put on his goggles. The two glared at each other just before they launched their beys.
"3..2..1..LET IT RIP!!" They both yelled as they launched thier beys.
The beys were circling the stadium. They were going very fast. Draciel DX was just a light green blur. As for Kid Dranzer, it was a black flash. Kid Dranzer was chasing Draciel DX.
"Let's go....DRACIEL DX!!" Carlos yelled as he held his hands to the sky.
Just then Draciel's bit-beast came out. It was glowing red and looked like the original Draciel.
"Whoa." Andrew said in awe.
Draciel hit Dranzer sending it flying out of the stadium.
"Man, I lost." Andrew said as he picked up Dranzer.
"Here, let me see it." Carlos said as he moved his goggles out of his face.
Andrew handed Carlos his Kid Dranzer. Carlos started to examine Kid Dranzer.
"Andrew your attack ring is really great because it has four blades that look like they can be used for upper attack" Carlos said as he pointed out the blades.
"Not to mention the Ten Wide weight disk and the Grip Base." Carlos said as he handed Andrew back his bey.
"Hey thanks Carlos." Andrew said as looked at Kid Dranzer.
Andrew's shaggy brown hair a little more tussled. He wiped his black shirt off revealing the greek letter for omega. He wiped his jeans off too.
"C'mon Andrew, you need meet a friend of mine." Carlos said as went to the door.

End of Chapter 2

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Chapter 2-Vs. Carlos

Before the battle, there was a cold breeze. Carlos put on his goggles. The two glared at each other just before they launched their beys.
"3..2..1..LET IT RIP!!" They both yelled as they launched thier beys.
The beys were circling the stadium. They were going very fast. Draciel DX was just a light green blur. As for Kid Dranzer, it was a black flash. Kid Dranzer was chasing Draciel DX.
"Let's go....DRACIEL DX!!" Carlos yelled as he held his hands to the sky.
Just then Draciel's bit-beast came out. It was glowing red and looked like the original Draciel.
"Whoa." Andrew said in awe.
Draciel hit Dranzer sending it flying out of the stadium.
"Man, I lost." Andrew said as he picked up Dranzer.
"Here, let me see it." Carlos said as he moved his goggles out of his face.
Andrew handed Carlos his Kid Dranzer. Carlos started to examine Kid Dranzer.
"Andrew your attack ring is really great because it has four blades that look like they can be used for upper attack" Carlos said as he pointed out the blades.
"Not to mention the Ten Wide weight disk and the Grip Base." Carlos said as he handed Andrew back his bey.
"Hey thanks Carlos." Andrew said as looked at Kid Dranzer.
Andrew's shaggy brown hair a little more tussled. He wiped his black shirt off revealing the greek letter for omega. He wiped his jeans off too.
"C'mon Andrew, you need meet a friend of mine." Carlos said as went to the door.

End of Chapter 2

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Umm....OK. Here's a few things:

1. SPAMMED with dialogue. Use some sentences without it, whether it be a transition or a description. Really, it'll help your story be readable.

2. Umm....what's going on? Make sure you explain things with sentences that are, again, DIALOGUE FREE.

I apologize for the rudeness of my post, but this story could use a lot of work.

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"Life isn't about how hard you can hit;
it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward"
{[YT]} [|BEYBLOG|] (â—ŠSoG-My Bookâ—Š)/<DA>\

Chapter 3: Meeting with a friend

Andrew and Carlos were walking down South street. Carlos said that they were meeting up with one his friends at the hobby shop.
"Are we there yet?" Andrew said impatiently.
"Yeah, it's just around the corner." Carlos said as he checked out his bey.
Andrew got a confused look on his face.
"Hey Carlos, do you mind if I take a look at your bey?" Andrew asked as he pointed at Draciel DX.
"Sure, I don't mind." Carlos said.
Carlos handed Andrew Draciel. Draciel's attack ring was blue and was shaped like a 5-pointed star. The points were shaped like rectangles and had purple decals on them that said DX. It had an eight balance weight disk. It also had a blue Bearing Base which was good for endurance.
"Here you go Carlos." Andrew said as he handed Carlos back his bey.
"Okay, we are here." Carlos said.
Just then the door to the hobby shop opened up.
"Hey Riley!" Carlos said as he walked towards Riley.
Riley looked at Andrew with a confused look.
"Hey Carlos, who's your friend over there?" Riley asked.
"I'm Andrew and I'm a blader." Andrew said proudly
Riley then started to dig in his pockets and then pulled out a beyblade.
"Here he is, Galmon X." Riley said as he held out his bey.
Galmon X was red. It looked exactly like the original Galmon attack ring but a little wider. It had a Ten Balance weight disk ,but what really made the bey "extreme" was the fact that it had a Jumping base.
"So, do you wanna battle?" Riley asked.

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Ehh... better...but then again, still not really. Instead of spamming the same thing over again, just re-read my earlier post. That's still what you need to work on.

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"Life isn't about how hard you can hit;
it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward"
{[YT]} [|BEYBLOG|] (â—ŠSoG-My Bookâ—Š)/<DA>\

Hello.
I must say that you were right about the first part being simillar to the first episode of beyblade (Tyson vs. Billy.) And Sparta made some really good points about this story. And I think you should make a few edits to your previous chapters by giving more descriptions (what bey Billy uses and how it looks, for example) and try to make the chapters a little longer. Both TheBlader and Deikailo told me these, so I'm just passing it on.
MusicBeyblader

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Thank you, TheBlayder, for teaching me how to upload a signature!
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My Story:Beyblade Darkness Reborn and My YouTube Chanel

KidDranzer, are you using Internet Explorer? If you are, then you should stop because it seems that your double posting.

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Trading a Fox face and a Gryph face for anything I don't have atm.

Tournaments I've Placed In (Click to View)

7/22/12 - The Triple Threat - 1st (HMS)
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KidDranzer, are you using Internet Explorer? If you are, then you should stop because it seems that your double posting.

nah I was using a different computer

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your chapters are short

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your story needs more action than dialouge

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Thanks to Whatzzer

Why revive such an old story? Just post in a new one.

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gfx by daD: sig & avatar

I forgot bout this story

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You should also put a spoiler on the chapters to make it look more organised. Your story also needs a conflict, right now, it's just about 2 people who we have little idea of battling.

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