World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc. Off-Topic Forums Your Creations

My Story - Beyblade: Darkness Reborn

Poll: What do you guys think of my story so far?

The story is great!
58.82%
10
The story is okay, but requires more editting.
17.65%
3
The story is ... bad.
0%
0
The story is horrible and sucks!
0%
0
This story is most likely the worst in the world!
23.53%
4
Total: 100% 17 vote(s)
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Jul. 03, 2011  12:40 AM
 
Beyblade - Darkness Reborn

Hello everyone. After reading many stories, I decided to make my own. Firstly, the characters so far:

Character- Ashan
Beyblade- Chaos Dranzer 100EF (Eternal Flat), obtained afterwards.
Shadow Hedgehog 85RMF (Right Metal Flat)
Type: Shadow Hedgehog- Attack
Type: Chaos Dranzer- Balance
Attacks:
Chaos Dranzer- Spiral Destroyer- Bey quikly spirals with darkness and slams opponent with full speed
Shadow HedgeHog- Chaos spear- Bey is surrounded with black energy in the shape of a spear and attacks from above.
Rapid Fire- shoots non-stop bullets of darkness.
Clear Wheel: Dranzer- A black MFB version of Dranzer G AR
Hedgehog- black with red stripes recolor of Pegasis III
Metal Wheel: Chaos- The Core of Scythe (no PC frame)
Shadow- A black Vulcan without red lines, but heavier.
Bottom: EF- A free-spinning Flat Tip, but a little wider.
RMF- A Metal version of the R2F

Character- Nail
Beyblade- Metallic Pegasis T105MF
Type: Attack
Attacks: Deflective Slash- Deflects the opponents attack and counters with 2x that power.
Iron Meteor- Summonds the powers of space and metal, and attacks head on with a protective shield of metal at full speed.
Clear wheel: Pegasis- A silver recolour of pegasis II, with orange stickers
Metal wheel: Metallic- A spiky version of Tornado
Track: T105- A 105 version of Tornado125

Character- Kizaru
Beyblade- Basalt Kronos 230MS
Type: Stamina
Attacks- unbalance scythe cutter- Bey starts wobbling looking like it will self K.O, then charges and does a scythe - shaped uppercut on opponent.

Character- Andrew (Thank you, M.Cancer90R2F.)
Beyblade- Mecha Zeta C:G
Type: Balance
Attacks- Zeta Boost Fortress- Bey glows with a purple light, becomming immovable when in defence mode.
Zeta Boost Cannon- Glows in a purple light, and strikes the opponent in light speed like a cannon. It is a one hit K.O.
Face: Face shows a Robot
Clear Wheel: Zeta- A round, purple clear wheel.
Metal Wheel: Mecha- A cross between Counter and Tornado.

Character- Zoro
Beyblade- Scythe Uranus TR145EWD
Type-Stamina
Attacks- Great Slash -Bey glows in a silvery grey light, and charges towards the opponent bey, shredding to pieces.
Face: Uranus, the father of Kronos. looks just like Kronos Face, but has a beard below the chin.
Clear Wheel: Uranus- a wider version of Kronos.

Character- Franky
Beyblade- Earth Poseidon GB145MB
Type-Defense
Attacks- Trident Destroyer
Face: Same as Dark Poseidon's Face.
Clear Wheel: Poseidon- Just a regular Aquario...

Character- Ace
Beyblade- Ocean Hippocampus DF145FS
Type-Balance
Attacks- Raging Sea Horse
Face: Shows a sea horse's head.
Clear Wheel: Hippocampus- Similar to Pegasis I, but had small waves around the wings.
Metal Wheel: Ocean- 24 spike version of Dark

Character- Iakou
beyblade- Eclipse Draco WF105RSF
Type- Attack/Stamina
Attacks- Final Eclipse- Eclipse Draco is either knocked into the air, or flies into the air, stabalizing itself with the track Wings Four 105. It then blocks all light comming from the sky (Sun, Moon, etc.), absorbing it, then flies dow towards the opponent.
Face- Like LDrago III
Clear Wheel- A round, curled up dragon (mouth touching tail.)
Metal Wheel-Similar to Burn, but more rigid and sharper to increase attack.
Track- WF105 (Wings Four 105)- A w105, but with 4 wings instead of 2.
Bottom- RSF- A Rubber Sharp Flat bottom.

*NOTE* Characters will be updated on this post, so Now For The Story

Chapter 1: What just happened…?

“…I will not lose! I won’t let the world be taken over by an evil force like you, even if you are my friend, Ashan! Go, Metallic Pegasis! Iron Meteor attack!” “Chaos Dranzer! Spiral Destroyer!” “Whoa!!!” said Blader DJ, “Chaos Dranzer completely destroyed Metallic Pegasis! Ashan is the winner of the Tournament!!!” The crowd was cheering like crazy after the exciting match. “Here’s you trophy, Ashan! Congratulations!” said Blader DJ. “…” was the reply. “Uh, Ashan? Don’t you want your trophy?” he asked. “Go Shoot!” said Ashan, destroying the trophy. “Huh?!!!” said a stunned crowd and DJ. “I don’t need that pathetic piece of metal. My only goal is to destroy the City! Chaos Dranzer, Spiral Destroyer!” said Ashan, aiming at the electric generator. The blast was so powerful, it caused the generator to self destruct, setting the whole area in the city on fire. “Goodbye for now, Nail.” “No… Ashan, why… why are you doing this…?” “I am Ashan, and my purpose is to take over the world alongside of my team! Hahahahaha!!!” said Ashan, disappearing. Luckily, rescue trucks, ambulances, and helicopters arrived at the scene just in time to help the people flee. At a nearby helicopter, Ashan was talking to his boss using aimage projecting watch. “Good work” said ???. "With you on our side, world domination is nearly complete! Meet me and the others at the rendezvous spot” “ Yes, of course Doctor." “It seems that the Doctor was right about you having potential, Ashan.” said ???. “I don’t care about your praises; let’s just get to the rendezvous spot now!” The helicopter started flying north of the burnt BeyCity, while Chaos Dranzer glowed with a dark aura.

Hello, my name is Ashan. I wasn’t always this way before. To be exact, I always wasn’t evil! Ever since I chose to join the team, my personality had changed dramatically. The Docter entrusted me with Chaos Dranzer to see if I could control it, and was suprised when I did. It all started just like any other day. I woke up, washed my face, brushed my teeth, got ready, and polished my beyblade Shadow Hedgehog 85RMF. My hometown, BeyCity, was having a tournament that day. Tournaments only happen once every 3 months, and you have to register 5 days before the tournament starts. I had decided to participate again. It was the final match today, and I was up against my best friend Nail and his bey: Metallic Pegasis T105MF. He was smart and had defeated me many times. I had just got to the stadium when I heard Blader DJ's voice. "And now for the final battle, Ashan vs Nail!" said the Blader DJ. "3,2,1,... Go Shoot" said me and Nail as we launched our beys in the stadium. " This time, this time, I will win!" I told Nail, as my Bey circled the stadium. "Your one weakness is your determination. I've beaten you 999 times already, and you haven't defeated me once! I mean, you always use the same strategy for every battle. Unless you come up with a PROPER strategy, you'll never win!" said Nail. "Oh Yeah?! We'll see about that. Shadow Hedgehog, Chaos Spear!" Shadow Hedgehog started to jump in the air. Then it was surrounded by a spear of darkness, that was going to strike Pegasis from the top." Using the same attack that made you lose again? So much for a proper strategy... Metallic Pegasis, Deflective Slash!" Metallic Pegaasis then had a invisible sheild. As soon as Hedgehog hit Pegasis, all the energy from the impact was transferd towards Pegasis, and it rammed Hedgehog with twice the amount of power. Hedgehog was sent flying out of the stadium and everyone was silent. "Wow! Nail has won the tournament... again! Here's you medal... again!" said Blader DJ. The crowd cheered, and that was my 1000 loss against Nail. However, I wasn't mad, but was encouraged to do better and get stronger. I then started my training at Spiral Mountain, a mountain close to BeyCity. I thought I was alone when I started training, but I was being spied on. "Docter, are you sure that he is the one?" asked ???. "Oh yes, he is." said ???.

So that was chapter 1 of my story, and I hope you guys liked it! Also, I will except character requests, for now at least. So yeah, hope you all enjoyed it.
*NOTE* This chapter has been editted because of many errors, and lack of detail.
Jul. 03, 2011  3:17 AM
 
Lots of dialogue and lack of description anyway.
Jul. 03, 2011  5:17 AM
 
I liked the story, and it's not your average story here.
Jul. 03, 2011  7:28 PM
 
(Jul. 03, 2011  5:17 AM)Iakou Wrote: I liked the story, and it's not your average story here.

Thanks, I really apreciate it! Smile
(Jul. 03, 2011  3:17 AM)Meteo LDrago Wrote: Lots of dialogue and lack of description anyway.

Well, in a story, there is suppose to be a lot of dialog between the characters, but I guess I see your point about me not inputting a proper description. I just thought everyone was able to understand it that way, but I'll try to add a better description during Chapter 2.
Hey, everyone.

I'm in the process of writing Chapter 2, but I need some names for a few characters... I just can't think of any good names now. I'm willing to take as many character requests as possible. Also, it would be a great help if you write the bey, parts, and a discription of the bey if you give the character request.Thank you, bye!

MusicBeyblader
Jul. 03, 2011  9:25 PM
 
(Jul. 03, 2011  7:28 PM)MusicBeyblader Wrote:
(Jul. 03, 2011  3:17 AM)Meteo LDrago Wrote: Lots of dialogue and lack of description anyway.

Well, in a story, there is suppose to be a lot of dialog between the characters, but I guess I see your point about me not inputting a proper description. I just thought everyone was able to understand it that way, but I'll try to add a better description during Chapter 2.
No, there's not. There's never a requirement to have a lot of dialogue. In fact, I once tried to write a story without any at all. Descriptions, however, are a necessity to any story, unless you want the reader to not have any idea of what things look like. AT ALL.

To make a description, I would suggest adding details here and there about characters and other things. Just small tidbits of descriptions may not seem like a lot, but it helps, trust me.
Jul. 03, 2011  9:33 PM
 
A story that has only dialogue without any description is like trying to understand a movie with your back to the TV. It doesn't work and your readers will lose interest extremely fast.
Jul. 03, 2011  9:36 PM
 
(Jul. 03, 2011  9:25 PM)Sparta Wrote:
(Jul. 03, 2011  7:28 PM)MusicBeyblader Wrote:
(Jul. 03, 2011  3:17 AM)Meteo LDrago Wrote: Lots of dialogue and lack of description anyway.

Well, in a story, there is suppose to be a lot of dialog between the characters, but I guess I see your point about me not inputting a proper description. I just thought everyone was able to understand it that way, but I'll try to add a better description during Chapter 2.
No, there's not. There's never a requirement to have a lot of dialogue. In fact, I once tried to write a story without any at all. Descriptions, however, are a necessity to any story, unless you want the reader to not have any idea of what things look like. AT ALL.

To make a description, I would suggest adding details here and there about characters and other things. Just small tidbits of descriptions may not seem like a lot, but it helps, trust me.

Ohh, now I see. My bad. I origionally thought stories were suppos to have lots of dialogue because most I read had lots dialogue between the characters, but thanks for telling me Sparta! However, it is okay to have a small amount od dialogue within each chapter, right? Also, I'll start with the discriptions for the next chapter. But seriously, thanks! I really apreciate the helpful feedback!
(Jul. 03, 2011  9:33 PM)Deikailo Wrote: A story that has only dialogue without any description is like trying to understand a movie with your back to the TV. It doesn't work and your readers will lose interest extremely fast.

Yeah, I'll try better with more discription on the next chapter. BTW, do you think I should do a few edits to chapter 1 also?
Jul. 03, 2011  9:41 PM
 
(Jul. 03, 2011  9:36 PM)MusicBeyblader Wrote:
(Jul. 03, 2011  9:25 PM)Sparta Wrote:
(Jul. 03, 2011  7:28 PM)MusicBeyblader Wrote:
(Jul. 03, 2011  3:17 AM)Meteo LDrago Wrote: Lots of dialogue and lack of description anyway.

Well, in a story, there is suppose to be a lot of dialog between the characters, but I guess I see your point about me not inputting a proper description. I just thought everyone was able to understand it that way, but I'll try to add a better description during Chapter 2.
No, there's not. There's never a requirement to have a lot of dialogue. In fact, I once tried to write a story without any at all. Descriptions, however, are a necessity to any story, unless you want the reader to not have any idea of what things look like. AT ALL.

To make a description, I would suggest adding details here and there about characters and other things. Just small tidbits of descriptions may not seem like a lot, but it helps, trust me.

Ohh, now I see. My bad. I origionally thought stories were suppos to have lots of dialogue because most I read had lots dialogue between the characters, but thanks for telling me Sparta! However, it is okay to have a small amount od dialogue within each chapter, right? Also, I'll start with the discriptions for the next chapter. But seriously, thanks! I really apreciate the helpful feedback!

Some dialogue is ok, but try not to go too overboard. A good rule that I use is that the amount of dialogue lines should be less than one quarter of your total chapter. The bigger the chapter, the more dialogue you can use.

Also, since this is about someone who goes bad, I'd really like to see his character gradually change. Make sure you include that Wink!

And my pleasure. It's a good way for me to pass some time.
Jul. 03, 2011  9:50 PM
 
(Jul. 03, 2011  9:36 PM)MusicBeyblader Wrote: Yeah, I'll try better with more discription on the next chapter. BTW, do you think I should do a few edits to chapter 1 also?
Absolutely! You should always aim to improve on your work. Just because you posted it once, doesn't make it your final try. I've rewritten some of my work countless times just to show any readers of mine what I am truly capable of.
Jul. 03, 2011  10:01 PM
 
(Jul. 03, 2011  9:41 PM)Sparta Wrote:
(Jul. 03, 2011  9:36 PM)MusicBeyblader Wrote:
(Jul. 03, 2011  9:25 PM)Sparta Wrote:
(Jul. 03, 2011  7:28 PM)MusicBeyblader Wrote:
(Jul. 03, 2011  3:17 AM)Meteo LDrago Wrote: Lots of dialogue and lack of description anyway.

Well, in a story, there is suppose to be a lot of dialog between the characters, but I guess I see your point about me not inputting a proper description. I just thought everyone was able to understand it that way, but I'll try to add a better description during Chapter 2.
No, there's not. There's never a requirement to have a lot of dialogue. In fact, I once tried to write a story without any at all. Descriptions, however, are a necessity to any story, unless you want the reader to not have any idea of what things look like. AT ALL.

To make a description, I would suggest adding details here and there about characters and other things. Just small tidbits of descriptions may not seem like a lot, but it helps, trust me.

Ohh, now I see. My bad. I origionally thought stories were suppos to have lots of dialogue because most I read had lots dialogue between the characters, but thanks for telling me Sparta! However, it is okay to have a small amount od dialogue within each chapter, right? Also, I'll start with the discriptions for the next chapter. But seriously, thanks! I really apreciate the helpful feedback!

Some dialogue is ok, but try not to go too overboard. A good rule that I use is that the amount of dialogue lines should be less than one quarter of your total chapter. The bigger the chapter, the more dialogue you can use.

Also, since this is about someone who goes bad, I'd really like to see his character gradually change. Make sure you include that Wink!

And my pleasure. It's a good way for me to pass some time.

You don't have to worry about 'Ashan' (myself) . You'll see him (me) change throughout the story. Before I wrote the story, I planned most of the beginning, middle, and end. At school (BEFORE graduation), one assignment was to make a story book, and my language teacher told us that planning is a nessesary step to make a good story. And the reason I said " 'Ashan' (myself)" is because my name is Ashan. Thanks again, Sparta! I'll do my best to follow the dialogue rule you mentioned. Also, do you know anyone who has good characters I could use for the evil side? Of course, I'll pm them to ask their permission to use their characters also! I just need 2 evil characters + the docter. Once again, thanks for your advice, Sparta!
(Jul. 03, 2011  9:50 PM)Deikailo Wrote:
(Jul. 03, 2011  9:36 PM)MusicBeyblader Wrote: Yeah, I'll try better with more discription on the next chapter. BTW, do you think I should do a few edits to chapter 1 also?
Absolutely! You should always aim to improve on your work. Just because you posted it once, doesn't make it your final try. I've rewritten some of my work countless times just to show any readers of mine what I am truly capable of.

Great, so thanks Deikailo! Hopefully it will seem better than before!
Jul. 03, 2011  11:48 PM
 
Hey guys.
As I said chapter 2 is up and I’ve put more description in (some about the beys and owners, some about places, etc) and minimized the amounts of dialogue.

Chapter 2: I will not lose!

I was training hard, and got even more disappointed with the results. Darn it! I thought. It’s been 5 days since I trained on this mountain, but I am still not making any improvements! I was ready to throw in the towel and go home, but just then, I realized I was surrounded by a Bey Gang of 8 members. I looked at one of their shirts that said, Blade Hunters, and I instantly realized that I was up against the Blade Hunters, the most very ferocious Bey gang in all of BeyCity. “Hey kid! We saw how you bladed at the tournament and you clearly suck! All we want your blade, so if you win, you can leave. If we win, we take your blade.” I knew that I could handle them one at a time, but 8 against 1 would be difficult. “I see, but if I refuse?” I asked. “You can’t.” said the leader, who came out of nowhere. “Darn! I didn’t know Kizaru would be here!” I said. “Oh? It seems that you heard about me!” said Kizaru. Shoot! 9 against 1! Well, I guess there’s no choice. “Go Shoot!” said all ten of us. I noticed the Beys the gang members were using were Dark Pisces 105F, while Kizaru was using: Basalt Kronos 230MS. Since it had the 230 track, I knew that head-on attacks would be useless. No! I can’t lose to a bunch of thieves like them! I thought. “AHHHH!!!!” I screamed. Then Shadow Hedgehog glowed with a mystic black light, and bullets of darkness started shooting out in different directions. “What the…?” asked the shocked Kizaru. “RAPID FIRE!!!” I yelled. The dark bullets struck each and every blade they launched. However, it took only 1 bullet to knock Basalt Kronos, as the bullet struck the MS bottom. The smoke cleared, and the battle was over. Each blade either was blown a way by the force of impact, or exploded to pieces. Then the Blade Hunters ran for their lives, saying things like, “Nooo!” or just cried. Did I… win? Also, was that just a new attack? I thought. I might win against Nail tomorrow at the park! BeyPark was a nice park covered in flowers, with a huge water fountain near the entrance and exit with benches, and a gigantic bey stadium at the middle of the park. Just then, I noticed that Nail was sitting at one of the benches with his laptop he likes to call ‘The Win 2000’. It had a 5 TB Hard Drive with a 30 GB processer. He would sometimes show it off at school. Then I decided to ask him for a rematch. I walked up to him and said, “Hey Nail! If you don’t mind, can we ha-“ He just stopped me in the middle of my sentence and said, “Stop bothering me! I’m trying to read!” “Well, whatcha reading?” I asked. “The bb 114 Vari Ares Thread on the World Beyblade Organization. Apparently, it comes with a Light Launcher 2 LR, is multi directional, and will be released on July 16. Isn’t it awesome?!!” he asked me, a look of excitement in his eyes. “Okay, sure. So… are we going to battle?” I asked. “Sure!” said Nail. We both said 3, 2, 1 Go Shoot, and my bey was, again, circling the stadium. “I sure hope that you don’t humiliate yourself again!” said Nail. “I don’t plan to!” I said. I then closed my eyes, and tried to find that same feeling I had when battling the Blade Hunters. “Well! If you’re not going to attack, I will! Metallic Pegasis, Iron Meteor!” said Nail. The space around Pegasis started distorting, and started fusing with the metal wheel of Metallic Pegasis. Then it was flying towards Shadow Hedgehog, like a meteor that flies through space. Now! I thought. Shadow Hedgehog, Rapid Fire!” I yelled. Shadow Hedgehog started glowing with the same aura, and this time directed every bullet towards Metallic Pegasis. “What…?” asked Nail, as he witnesses a huge explosion of energy. Metallic Pegasis flew out of the stadium, while Shadow Hedgehog was still spinning. “It- it’s over.” said Nail. “I actually lost… to Ashan!” “Yes! I finally did it!” I happily said. Just then, the wind started blowing like crazy. Everyone started fleeing because they thought a tornado was going to hit BeyPark. In a flash of purple lightning, a black helicopter started descending toward us. “What’s…going on?” I asked Nail. “A black helicopter is descending towards us.” said Nail. “That’s not what I meant! I meant: what is going on?” I asked. He just turned towards me, and said “A black helicopter is descending to us. THAT ‘s what’s happening.” Then the helicopter landed and 2 people came out. One of them pointed at me and said, “We want you to come with us.” “What for?” I asked. “I don’t even know you!” “If you refuse, we’ll take you by force!” said the other. He lunged at me with incredible speed and knocked me unconscious. Then he started dragging me to the helicopter. “Hey! Where are you taking him?! Wait!!!” said Nail. Then they left, flying west.

Hope you guys like it! BTW, I need characters ideas(and bey ideas) Please!Chief 2002 - Sigh ...
*NOTE* This chapter has been editted cause of spelling errors (again), and to replace a few words, and added a few details.
Jul. 04, 2011  5:41 AM
 
Name:Andrew Rotragani
Bey:Mecha Zeta C:G (Continuous Grip)(HF to RS)
Bey Description:Mecha Zeta is a Robot. C:G goes from HF to RS whenever its hit and vise-versa through out the battle. Mecha is shaped like Counter with slopes like the Tornado Wheel.
Alignment:Good
Age:13
Character Description:Andrew is bright funny and cheerful and is always looking for a challenge.
Special Moves:Zeta Boost:Cannon(Strong KO)
Special Moves:Zeta Boost:Fortress(Becomes an immoveable fortress)
Type:Balance
Jul. 04, 2011  7:55 AM
 
Hey, me again Tongue_out Your story has a real good start, action packed and thrilling, but it goes quite fast, you need to expand how much you write and how big your chapters are, i would say around 2-3 sheets of A4 paper a chapter. The layout of your story is also very important, if the story is cluttered and you cant tell who is talking and the difference between dialogue and normal text, then readers might not be enticed to read it. I found it a bit hard to decipher these things at sometimes becasuse its tightly spaced. That was just a few points ive noticed, but overall the story could expand and turn out to be really good Smile
Jul. 04, 2011  2:34 PM
 
Quote:is been 5 days since I trained on this mountain, but I am still not getting better!
Still not getting any improvements(or better) is better.
Jul. 04, 2011  3:06 PM
 
(Jul. 04, 2011  7:55 AM)TheBlayder Wrote: Hey, me again Tongue_out Your story has a real good start, action packed and thrilling, but it goes quite fast, you need to expand how much you write and how big your chapters are, i would say around 2-3 sheets of A4 paper a chapter. The layout of your story is also very important, if the story is cluttered and you cant tell who is talking and the difference between dialogue and normal text, then readers might not be enticed to read it. I found it a bit hard to decipher these things at sometimes becasuse its tightly spaced. That was just a few points ive noticed, but overall the story could expand and turn out to be really good Smile

Hey, TheBlader!
It makes me really happy to know that you managed to see my story (although you weren't the first to read it...Unhappy ) But at least you still read it! Also, thanks for the advice! I'll see what I can do when I re-edit Chapter 2! And I guess you're right about the chapters not being long enough. Once again, thanks alot for reading it!
(Jul. 04, 2011  2:34 PM)Meteo LDrago Wrote:
Quote:is been 5 days since I trained on this mountain, but I am still not getting better!
Still not getting any improvements(or better) is better.

Wait, do you mean "but I am still not getting any improvements" is better than "but I am still not getting better"? If so, it does make more sense that way. Thanks, Meteo LDrago!
(Jul. 04, 2011  5:41 AM)M.Cancer90R2F Wrote: Name:Andrew Rotragani
Bey:Mecha Zeta C:G (Continuous Grip)(HF to RS)
Bey Description:Mecha Zeta is a Robot. C:G goes from HF to RS whenever its hit and vise-versa through out the battle. Mecha is shaped like Counter with slopes like the Tornado Wheel.
Alignment:Good
Age:13
Character Description:Andrew is bright funny and cheerful and is always looking for a challenge.
Special Moves:Zeta Boost:Cannon(Strong KO)
Special Moves:Zeta Boost:Fortress(Becomes an immoveable fortress)
Type:Balance

Thank a lot, M.Cancer90R2F! I'll be sure to use him in the next Chapter! (Finally! A character request!) Also, if it's okay with you, can I just use his first name, not his full name?
Jul. 04, 2011  7:46 PM
 
O ya thats alright with me
Jul. 04, 2011  8:39 PM
 
(Jul. 04, 2011  7:46 PM)M.Cancer90R2F Wrote: O ya thats alright with me

Thanks!
Jul. 04, 2011  9:49 PM
 
Well guys, Chapter three’s finished.
Also has been editted again...
Chapter 3: Let’s save him, team!(Written in Nail’s perspective)

It has been 2 days since Ashan was kidnapped, and I was really depressed. I just can’t stop worrying about him… and the fact that I couldn’t stop them. But who were those guys anyways? I thought. Well, there is no point in trying to find out if I am too weak to fight them. I thought. Then I decided that I should spend my time getting stronger, and then I will try to save Ashan. Besides, Ashan can take care of himself! I told myself. I then went to BeyPark, and started practicing. While training, someone had started walking towards me. “Hey, kid! You seem to be a pretty good blader! I’m Andrew!” he said. “Oh, um thanks. I’m Nail.” I said. I took a break from practice, and we started talking together on a bench. He told me that he recently moved to BeyCity, and didn’t know anyone. But he thought I was a cool guy and wanted to be my friend, so I said sure. I mean, who would refuse something like that? He then showed me his bey, Mecha Zeta C:G. Apparently, it had a 4D bottom called Continuous Grip. It appeared to be a balance type, considering that the metal wheel looked like a combination of Counter and Tornado. He then asked if we could battle, and I told him of course! “3, 2, 1… Go Shoot!” we both said, as our beys circled the stadium. “Go, Metallic Pegasis!” I said as it rammed Mecha Zeta. Andrew, however, just chuckled. “What’s so funny?” I asked. Then I looked back at Mecha Zeta, and noticed that it went to defense mode. The 4D bottom was a merge of Hole Flat and Rubber Sharp. “Now, Mecha Zeta! Zeta Boost Fortress!” said Andrew. Mecha Zeta then stayed at the middle of the stadium with a purple light shining out of the clear wheel. “Go Pegasis!” I said. Pegasis was slamming non-stop at Mecha Zeta with its full force, but couldn’t even push Mecha Zeta. “Hahaha! Try as you might, Nail, but your efforts will go to waste! No one I faced could push Mecha Zeta after I used Zeta Boost Fortress!” said Andrew. I wish Ashan was here to see this. He could learn a thing or two from Andrew! I thought. “It’s sad, but no matter how tall a wall stands, it can always be knocked down. Metallic Pegasis! Iron Meteor!” I said. Space and Metal merged as Pegasis struck Mecha Zeta like a meteor. The defensive shield of Mecha Zeta was broken. And Mecha Zeta switched back from RS mode to HF mode. “That…was…awesome!” said Andrew, who was in awe. “But I still have my ultimate attack left. Mecha Zeta! Zeta Boost Cannon!” yelled Andrew. Mecha Zeta glowed with purple energy, and shot forward at light speed towards Metallic Pegasis, knocking it 5 meters out of the stadium. “Oh yeah! I won!” said Andrew. “Congratulations, Andrew. You’re the second one who was able to defeat me with such skill.” I said. “The second? You mean , there was only on who defeated you before me?” he asked. “Yeah. His name was Ashan.” I said. I then related everything to him, and he understood. “If you like, I can help you find him.” said Andrew. “Thanks a bunch!” Then, we were surrounded by the bey gang Blade Hunters. “Hello, Nail.” said Kizaru. “What’s happening?! Who are you people?!” asked Andrew. “Kizaru and the Blade Hunters, what do you want from us?” I asked. “Isn’t it obvious? We want your blades! Go Shoot!” yelled Kizaru and the Blade Hunters. “Go Shoot!” Me and Andrew yelled. “Andrew, you take the others while I take Kizaru!” I told him. “Huh?! But there’s 8 of them!!” he said. “Don’t worry. Their blades are Dark Pisces 105F, so they’re really just pushovers for you. Besides, I want the big guy for myself!” I replied back. “Mecha Zeta! Zeta Boost Cannon!” Andrew yelled. Mecha Zeta blasted at the Dark Pisces, destroying all of them. “I won’t lose to you again, Nail! Basalt Kronos! Unbalanced Scythe Cutter!” said Kizaru. Kronos started acting unbalanced, charging towards Metallic Pegasis in a scythe like shape. “Go Pegasis! Deflective Slash!” I said. It knocked Kronos out of the stadium. All of the Blade Hunters ran away, except for Kizaru. “Darn it! First Ashan beats me, then you do!” he said. “What? Ashan had defeated you?” I asked. Then he told me about how Ashan trained at the mountain and learnt a new special move when battling the Blade Hunters. “Where is he now, anyways?” he asked. Then I and Andrew explained that he was kidnapped by 2 strange people in a black helicopter. “I see.” he said. “Well, even though I hate him, I still feel sorry for him. Let me help you find him!” he said. “Of course! We’d be happy to!” I and Andrew said together. Then at a near by speaker, we heard Blader DJ’s voice. “Hey, all of you Beybladers of BeyCity! We have decided to host a Beyblade World Championships this year. There will be 8 representative teams for 8 countries! In each team, there should be 3 to 5 members. In order to choose the 5 members, we had decided to pick the winner of the past 12 Tournaments at BeyCity! You guessed it! It’s Nail!!!” Everyone was shocked, and started wildly cheering. “Wow, Nail. You’re going to represent us in the Championships!” said Andrew. “I’m shocked myself…” I said. “AND THAT’S NOT ALL!!” yelled Blader DJ. “Since we know how smart Nail is, we have decided to let him choose the other 4 members to represent the team. He may choose anyone he desires!! In order to celebrate this wonderful news, we're holding a Final Tournament here before the Championships. We will have more information later. That’s all for now!” Then he left. Everyone was shocked and started looking at Nail. “Well, we already have us 3, and Ashan is 4, so we need another!” “Yeah!” said Andrew. “We’ll make the Japanese Team proud!” said Kizaru. “Well team, let’s go and find Ashan!” I said. “Yeah!!!” said Andrew and Kizaru.

Hope you guys enjoyed it. Also this might be hard to know, but I can’t finish chapter 4 without any evil characters. Come on, I just need 1 evil character to lead the Canadian team, and a name for the doctor who manages the team. I’M BEGGING YOU!!!
Jul. 05, 2011  4:18 AM
 
Hey thanks but i should of metioned Zeta was Purple oh well its ok and AWESOME
Ok
Name:Cam A.K.A Komit J.
Bey:Astro D:D (Vari Ares Bottom)
Age:16
Team:(leader) Canada
Bey Description:Astro is a star. It can go from Pegasis Mode(Flat-Attack),Leo Mode(Wide Ball-Defense) and Sagittarius Mode(Sharp-Stamina) The Wheel Is Like Galaxy but silver and not sloped. And its a Pre-HWS wheel.
Special Moves:Star Blast Attack(Attack Mode), Lion Gale Force Wall(Defense) and Flame Claw(Stamina).
Character Description:Cam is a talanted blader but has a cold heart. He is like this because his father was lost in a failed space exploration and his bey is all he has left of him. He now lives with his mom who is trying to keep them from going homeless. He's hoping that if wins enough tournaments he will make his family rich.
Jul. 05, 2011  4:48 PM
 
(Jul. 04, 2011  2:34 PM)Meteo LDrago Wrote:
Quote:is been 5 days since I trained on this mountain, but I am still not getting better!
Still not getting any improvements(or better) is better.

Don't 'help' if you don't know what actually 'helps'. The improvements thing he suggested makes it sound like your character is being formal. He's probably tired and sweaty, so the last thing he's thinking of is being formal-in his thoughts mind you.

For me, I saw some minor improvement in this chapter. Writing is something you work on and gradually you get better at (believe me, I've written 13 different stories and co-written another 6). Just keep working on what Deikailo and I suggested and eventually you'll be passing both of us Joyful_2
Jul. 05, 2011  8:19 PM
 
nice story i shall help u with an evil character
name J.K
bey burn magma
moves fire slash with extreme speed it despairs and come from beneath the stadium with fire in its ring
fire storm nothing different than galaxy storm other that its not wind its fire when J.K is very angry fire storm becomes blue fire storm in which the fire turns blue and goes 10 times stronger
character description a great player who believes in the bladers spirit but is bad news most people fear his great bey techniques
Jul. 06, 2011  1:14 AM
 
Hey guys, I wasn't able to post recently because I am starting get buisier than ever now, and have a small amount of time left for beyblade. Thanks everyone for your characters, and Sparta, THANK YOU! It really makes me happy to hear that from an experienced writer like yourself. Anyways, I won't have enough time to make chapter 4, so I'll see what I can do.
Jul. 06, 2011  2:37 AM
 
Dont' worry, take your time, no use in rushing it
Jul. 13, 2011  2:24 AM
 
Hey guys!
I was pretty busy lately, but I've decided on something very important. After reading the 'Whats your Beyblade Team' thread, I came to a desicion of making the Canadian Team members my friends from school, myself, and starting my own team. Of course, I'm still waiting for their replies to the email, so I'll use the character requests for the next 6 teams... after all, I'll need members for those countries anyways. Hope you guys understand, but its a situation that requests help from my friends.Thank you for your patience everyone, and I'll have the next chapter up in, er, probably a few days... I just need some time to ask them.
Thanks again,
MusicBeyblader.
Jul. 13, 2011  4:34 AM
 
o so does that mean my character request is no u no for Komit J. and his bey Astro D:D
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