World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc. Off-Topic Forums Your Creations

Beyblade:Revelations

Poll: Dont like it, like it, love it, or gotta read it?

Boring
27.27%
3
Meh its ok I guess
36.36%
4
Cool
9.09%
1
AWESOME READ IT EVERYDAY
27.27%
3
Total: 100% 11 vote(s)
  • You do not have permission to vote in this poll.
  • * You voted for this item.
  • Show Results
May. 14, 2011  6:38 AM
 
I was just at a Museum and I was looking at the egyptian scales and there I saw a spinning bey. The story was that who ever could stop the bey could keep it. I loooked at it and saw it was a MF Basalt Libra GB145MS.This was going to be tough.
I touched the bey and the world seemed to pause for a minute.Suddenly I learned the entire life of an egyptian king. Then reality hit me like a baseball bat and I hadn't even touched the bey but it stoped and hoped in to my hand, Just as soon as this happened a bey came flaring at me and broke a display case but it was still drilling a hole in the wall.I took a glimpse at it and saw it was Vulcan Anubis 85RF.
Then I rembered the past life of the pharoh and his greatst enemy used that bey.

Should I continue?
May. 14, 2011  6:45 AM
 
yeah you should continue it could become one of the best stories on the wbo
May. 14, 2011  6:56 AM
 
Later as I was walking home I bumped into a teenager and 2 bey blades dropped to the ground. Basalt LibraGB145MS and Vulcan Anubis 85RF.Before anyone could say pnumitrialmicroscpoicalvocolanosis (Real word) We took out our launchers and got our beys.In the end It was a tie we created massive pot-holes in the street and tore through trees and anything that crossed our path, But with one final blow I beat him by 0.5 seconds.His bey then turned into Evil Pieces ED145WD and He joined me and he became good as we were walking I got light-headed and saw a flash back of the pharoh's Friend being slashed in half by a bey.Just then I pushed the teen to the side and sure enough a L-Drago Destroy came creating a hole through the earth! I looked over to see 7 silouttes standing all chuckling and then they dissapeared. I asked the teen who are they?He just replied "They are The Chaos Bladers" and then the world froze for a minute.....

Should I continue
Feedback please!
May. 14, 2011  8:42 AM
 
it's kinda a cool thing and keep on publishing don't ask again and again for continuing
May. 14, 2011  9:38 AM
 
DEFINITELY CONTINUE just don't let the story progress too fast. it sounds like such an awesome storyline but youre in too much of a rush SLOW DOWN
describe yourself and the people you meet and also the beys. this is very important in a story.
while youre at it throw in a simile or two. it will really add effect. dont make it so choppy
this next bit is optional. try putting all your chapters in the OP through spoilers like my story. it's easier for the reader

PS does this remind anyone of yu-gi-oh
(May. 14, 2011  6:45 AM)Own-Ray Wrote: yeah you should continue it could become one of the best stories on the wbo

Not yet but maybe
May. 14, 2011  10:24 AM
 
awesome but you should definetly consider what sonicsora123 wrote
May. 14, 2011  10:30 AM
 
Please continue!!! It's a great story, and i enjoyed every second reading it.
May. 14, 2011  10:33 AM
 
Hmm, its strange. Its extremely rushed, words are misplaced and the sense of humour is downright awfull (no offence intended), but if you SLOW it down a lot, add more talking, improve grammar you could have a good story on your hands.
May. 14, 2011  5:31 PM
 
You need to work on A LOT.
Like TheBlayblader said, it's extremely rushed, I mean the first chapter is "I'm looking at stuff then there was this bey I somehow knew I had to stop it so I touched it I suddenly learned the about an Egyptian king then I saw another bey" Here is the first chapter re-written: "I was walking in a museum. The only sound was the eerie sound of footsteps as I slowly glanced at ancient Egyptian scales. The peace was suddenly disturbed as I heard the noise of a spinning Beyblade, MF Basalt Libra GB145MS. I had heard the legend that whoever who could stop this Beyblade could have it, so I tried. I nervously touched it, and then, I was in a timeless dimension where the life of a king flowed into my brain. I turned around and a speeding Beyblade came toward me at high speed. Fortunately, I avoided it but it drilled its way through a glass case and a cement wall. I looked at that Beyblade. It was Vulcan Anubis 85RF. I suddenly felt the life a pharaoh and its greatest enemy."
May. 14, 2011  7:11 PM
 
Well thanks for all the feedback and the suggestions! Ill take them into mind.

I felt a cold shiver climbing up my spine and I muttered to myself "I know that name!" but then I rembered "Hey I never got your name." The kid replyed "Its Alex."
Now we went to my house and I just told my mom he was a "friend" and I got on the computer and saw that it was Beydays! and we got to then nearst bey tourny and we devastated. That is untill HE came.He used a Burn Horogium T125ES.Then I realized, He is one of the seven bladers I saw! We had an epic battle and in the end it was his gang of bladers Vs. our duo Our beys smashed through theirs. There were broken MW's ,track's ,CW's ,face's ,and even bottoms. Then as we were walking to the park to sit rest and talk about the bladers Alex said "They were going to easy." I agreed with him I said "They WERE going to easy" and we just practiced untill we fell asleep. In the morning we picked up our battleing beys and we saw that they were heavily damaged. My basalt looked like a rock and his evil looked like Heavens knows what. We dropped off our beys reluctantly and the next day we got them. The shop owner said that a metorite hit them. We just shrugged and pulled out our launchers. "3 2 1 Goooooooo Shot!"

Next chapter: A odd thing happens to the beys in mid battle and they change dramaticly!
May. 14, 2011  9:57 PM
 
(May. 14, 2011  7:11 PM)L ibra Wrote: Well thanks for all the feedback and the suggestions! Ill take them into mind.

I felt a cold shiver climbing up my spine and I muttered to myself "I know that name!" but then I rembered "Hey I never go your name." The kid replyed "Its Alex."
Now we got to my house and I just told my mom he was a "friend" and I got on the computer and saw that it was Beydays! and we got to then nearst bey tourny and we devastated. That is untill HE came.He used a Burn Horogium T125ES.Then I realized, He is one of the seven bladers I saw! We had an epic battle and in the end it was his gang of bladers Vs. our duo Our beys smashed through theirs. There were broken MW's ,track's ,CW's ,face's ,and even bottoms. Then as we were walking to the park to sit rest and talk about the bladers Alex said "They were going to easy." I agreed with him I said "They WERE going to easy" and we just practiced untill we fell asleep. In the morning we picked up our battleing beys and we saw that they were heavily damaged. My basalt looked like a rock and his evil looked like Heavens knows what. We dropped off our beys reluctantly and the next day we got them. The shop owner said that a metorite hit them. We just shrugged and pulled out our launchers. "3 2 1 Goooooooo Shot!"

Next chapter: A odd thing happens to the beys in mid battle and they change dramaticly!

Wow, once again missed LOADS out. we had an epic battle against our gangs and then our duo smashed through theirs? cant you not explain the battle? Im not such a good writer but ill reference from something i wrote.

(“3, 2, 1, Let It Rip!” Tyler pulled his ripcord with immense strength and it flew into the stadium. Chygrovski’s blade was Dark Boarus, a balance type blade. Tyler could already feel the power building up within him but he tried to ignore it and attack normally. Dark Boarus and Galaxy Dragulus collided in the stadium with tremendous force. “Haha! You have improved, but not enough!” Dark Boarus went on the offense and started smashing into Galaxy Dragulus with brute strength. “Haha! You are nowhere near strong enough to face me or my boss!” exclaimed Chygrovski. Suddenly it hit Tyler, he was extremely powerful, but by holding back and not using his special attacks he couldn’t release his full potential and beat the hardest of enemies. Tyler’s only chance of getting back into the fight was by using his special attacks. “SPECIAL ATTACK DRAGULUS! COMET DRAGON BLAST!” Galaxy Dragulus flew up into the air and touched the roof. “What? How did you do that!” exclaimed Chygrovski. “Well, I’ve improved a lot since I met you last, and I’ve gained a lot more power! GO DRAGULUS!” Galaxy Dragulus came soaring down from the roof and collided into Dark Boarus with great power and speed. Chygrovski was stunned by this sudden attack. His beyblade fell beside him as he looked in awe at Tyler.)

See? you can put lots more into a battle scene, and improve your language and grammar.
May. 14, 2011  10:01 PM
 
I just dont like spamming the story with talk.
I mean Ill stop if you guys want me to.
May. 14, 2011  10:16 PM
 
(May. 14, 2011  10:01 PM)L ibra Wrote: I just dont like spamming the story with talk.
I mean Ill stop if you guys want me to.

You can never spam a story with talk.
And dont stop, the concept is good you just need to refine it.
Oct. 27, 2011  8:28 PM
 
We were walking down the street, I started to feel light headed-Or was it something else? I ignored it for a while and started talking to Alex about how they were going easy. He said that they could of just been testing us to see how strong we were. I thought it seemed like something they would do. There were the shadows in the trees as we walked I knew that we both saw them but we pretended that we didn't. Two jumped out and pulled up their beylaunchers...




Is that slower? :> well Ill try to make one post a week and It may change
Enjoy!
Oct. 27, 2011  8:58 PM
 
Ugh. NO. Just, NO. First, don't revive a dead, crappy story. Second, don't make crappy stories. I think you may have gotten WORSE while this was dead. You aren't actually doing what others say, and you're listening to those people who mindlessly compliment bad stories. This is beyond saving...
Oct. 27, 2011  9:20 PM
 
(May. 14, 2011  6:45 AM)Own-Ray Wrote: yeah you should continue it could become one of the best stories on the wbo
I hope that was a joke.

Really, this story could use work. I'm not reviewing anymore, but with your permission I'd like to adjust a chapter. May I?


Oct. 27, 2011  9:24 PM
 
I'd have to say so far this story has been extremely overrated, i'm not one to be harsh normally. but the grammar is terrible in the chapters. the actualy layout isn't good, hardly any description and all too rushed. the transition between events is poor and needs improving. by far this is nowhere near the best story.
Oct. 28, 2011  2:35 AM
 
Sparta
Sure I'd enjoy reading it. Tongue_out
Oct. 28, 2011  2:56 AM
 
Grow up. that is my only comment, I aint reading this thread UNTIL you get at least better, the current (unofficial) writing standards are

Min Chapter Length: 200 words
must have MAX 3 mistakes of any sort
must have a decent flow
must have a balance between descriptions and dialogue

sorry if i was harsh, but I really dislike these kinds of story. the lot is kindda iffy but good and one more thing. SLOW DOWN.
Oct. 28, 2011  3:06 AM
 
You should make the main character have a split personality - one of the pharaoh and one of the kid who stopped the bey. He should also have crazy hair. I think that would totally work.
Oct. 28, 2011  3:19 AM
 
(Oct. 28, 2011  3:06 AM)Deikailo Wrote: You should make the main character have a split personality - one of the pharaoh and one of the kid who stopped the bey. He should also have crazy hair. I think that would totally work.

Erhm, forget it, I get the reference now even with my little knowledge of Yu-Gi-Oh.
Oct. 28, 2011  3:24 AM
 
Looking at the title, it's not really a good idea to make a story because 'everyone else' is. As many others have said, your 'story' is bad, though not as horrible as some of the carp we see around here. I'd recommend taking advice from others. Smile

I'm actually not one to talk, seeing as I'm not famous for my writing here
Oct. 28, 2011  4:02 AM
 
I try to slow it down but im just fast :p. dei Hilarious and love the idea XD (should he also get taller?)

P.S I hate extremely slow storys. sorry : 3
Oct. 28, 2011  4:09 AM
 
It's interesting, and great idea, but you really should add more description into your paragraphs. Nice work though! Smile
Oct. 28, 2011  4:29 AM
 
Its a start but as a lot of people have said:slow down because its to hard to grasp whats going on before something else happens. But do continue.
Page 1
Next