World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc. Off-Topic Forums Your Creations

Beyblade: Moonlit Metal

Poll: Do you like this story?

Cool!
65.85%
27
It's good.
4.88%
2
It's okay.
12.20%
5
It sucks.
2.44%
1
I WILL SHOOT!
14.63%
6
Total: 100% 41 vote(s)
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May. 12, 2011  10:56 PM
 
(Mar. 05, 2011  1:55 AM)KingCepheusIII Wrote: They will come soon, but here is chapter 2:
Chapter 2: Excitement
I ran in and told my parents the story. I knew all about the bey somehow. It wasn't just based on the constellation Lupus. It was based on that and the moon. Fenrir searched night after night, looking for a master who can tame it, (Which I have not done yet) and searches during the cold nights in Siberia. We were a poor family Siberian family, but we could hold together. My father suddenly pulled out a stone stadium and laid it on the floor. Then he pulled out his bey, Stone Orso TD145WB and ripped it. I went to instinct and launched Fenrir. Suddenly, a huge bear spirit with stone armor came out. Fenrir's spirit, the huge white wolf with horns came out too. It attacked Orso with difficulty. Orso was a strong defense type. Fenrir was a swift attack type. They clawed at each other and a huge wave of snow and stone burst from the stadium.It phased right through us. Fenrir cracked the stadium (luckily, my father had multiple) and trapped Orso. It attacked rapidly until Orso stopped I had won. "Let me show you the master!" exclaimed my older brother Dmitri.
Alright, I've become a better writer than when I first joined, and I think I can give you some pointers:
*Plot-Every stories gotta have it! Make sure you always follow the course of the plot and try not to deviate too much.
*Fluency-Try to make your story flow, and cut down on the choppiness. Which sentence is better? 1. We went to the shop. We bought food. We went home. OR 2. We went to the shop. There, we bought food, like cereal, apples, and lots of bananas! Then, after a long day, we went home. Get the picture? And BTW both of those were horrible. DO NOT write like that.
*Detail-Make sure you're describing things. What did Fenrir look like? What he act like? Did he smell like goat cheese? And so on and so fourth. smell is the #1 trigger for memories, so if you want the reader to be able to connect with the picture you are describing, use smell often (Keep it fluent, though!)

Hope this helped. Good story, anyways. Just work on these things-it'll improve your writing tenfold!!!
May. 13, 2011  10:29 AM
 
awesome story man loved it
May. 14, 2011  1:35 AM
 
Chapter 9: Arrows of Love
"Now time for the next match! It's Aiko vs Dmitri!" yelled DJ Blader. I smirked and watched as my brother walked up to the stadium. He smirked as they shouted, "3, 2, 1 Let it Rip!" They launched in their beys. A beautiful red pink bey appeared in the stadium. It launched and energy of hearts that looked like rose petals. I could tell this was trouble. Then, It smashed Canis. It shouldn't be like this. It was stamina on stamina. Then, when Canis came toward it, A heart-shaped shield appeared. It was blocking him off. Then, Dmitri thought. He had trained for this. So his bey went at Cupid (the other bey) and broke though his heart. He threw it in the air. And then, as he was grinding Cupid through the air, Little wooden hammer shaped wedged came out. Then he shined. He came back just fine though. And he had won. Only 5000 more points for him.
May. 14, 2011  4:38 AM
 
Name:Andrew Katragami (Male)
Age:12 1/2
Bey:Vulcan Gemios D125CS
Bey Description:Face:Black BG with red and blue spirit things
Clear Wheel: Red on half Blue on other half
Metal Wheel: Silver Vulcan Wheel
Spin Track: Black
Preformance Tip:All Black

Special Move: Twin Vulcan Smash
The Bey Moves at a lightning fast Speed and it then appers as two of the same bey. It then knocks the opposing bey high into the sky until Gemios catches it and drives it to the ground winnig the battle.

Character Description:Andrew is very passionate about beyblading and will never give up his dream of being the best blader. His bey was handed down to him from his father and will stop at nothing to protect his bey. Andrew is funny always willing to crack a witty pun when needed but he is very battle serious.
Hope he is good
May. 16, 2011  8:58 PM
 
Write More please
May. 21, 2011  2:27 PM
 
Chapter 10: Broken Wings
"The next match, folks! It's Gideon vs Yukiba! Let's go!" shouted DJ Blader. I watched as they both walked up to the stage. The prize was 2500 BeyPoints. Gideon needed 3000. Yukiba needed 3000. They were at the stage.They launched the beys at the same time. They both gridded in the air. they both fell after a few seconds. A swan came out of the opponent's bey. He attacked at Dranzer's spirit. It was bursts of ice and fire. Then suddenly, Yukiba started to cry. "It reminds me of Kori," he said softly, "You see, when I was young, me and my best friend Kori would always battle. It always ended up in a tie. So one day, we battled, and after ward, we traded bey. He gave me Boreal Cygni and I gave him my bey, Mountain Atlas, and he walked away and said, 'I'll only give it back if you see me tonight to battle.' I agreed. So we both sneaked out at midnight and On my way, I heard a huge crash. I called the cops. They said there had been a spill of nitroglycerin at the warehouse. They said my friend was there. They said he had died. So I ran away with Boreal Cygni. Our battles always ended in ties." The crowd went silent. Then Yukiba shouted, "Special Move! Blizzard Novae!" As he was initiating his special move, Gideon shouted, "Special Move! Black Meteor!" He turned into a meteor and tried to crash into Cygni, and Cygni clashed in a shard of ice. They shot into the air, spiraling toward the sky like a firework, in black and blue waves of energy. Then there was a big white flash. They came down still spiraling, except they were drilling into each other, downward. They then crashed into the stadium. In the gash. You could see that they had both stopped spinning. A tie. "Well, that was a tie. I guess we should call this a night and go to bed. They both bet 1000 BeyPoints. See you tommorow!" shouted DJ Blader as he turned out the lights.
Jun. 04, 2011  8:47 PM
 
new posts to come.
Jun. 05, 2011  1:24 AM
 
I`ve got a request.
Name: Jake Swords
Gender:Male
Age:11
Bey:Volcano Helios
Face: A sun with solar flares
Energy RingGrinark Red
Metal Wheel:Flame wheel with Storm edges
Spin track:T125 with spikes
Performance tip: ES(Red)
Special Move: Volcanic Core- Lava gushes out of Volcano Helios and then Helios attacks the other bey causing its lava to splash on the other bey. Then the lava on the other bey explodes and helios charges at the bey causing it to melt.
Charactersistics: Jake is a strong blader with a love for winning. Even though he is with the good guys, he shows no mercy when blading.
Jun. 13, 2011  9:44 PM
 
new chapter to come and excepted.
Jun. 16, 2011  7:06 PM
 
Chapter 11: The Stars (Romantic Spoiler)
As the match ended, we went to bed. I looked up at my bed where my brother snored on the top bunk. I went outside. I set out my blanket and looked up. "Beautiful, aren't they?" whispered a voice. I turned and saw Mioshi. She looked at me. "Yes," I said. We looked up together and she pointed. "That one is Lupus," she pointed out. It was next to the moon. Good luck for Fenrir in my next match. She looked at me for a second. Then suddenly she kissed me.
OH!?
To be continued.
Jun. 21, 2011  8:26 AM
 
more to come
Jun. 21, 2011  9:53 AM
 
Too many I's.
Jun. 21, 2011  4:10 PM
 
I've got to agree. I can't really get a feel of the story, as the plot isn't self-evident yet. Spend a bit more time with characters, THEN jump into the story. In my opinion, the main character got Fenrir WAY too fast.
Jul. 08, 2011  6:47 AM
 
ok
Jul. 08, 2011  7:27 AM
 
Wow, really great story. Makes me wanna create character and bey designs for it, o.o
Jul. 08, 2011  1:51 PM
 
Chocked_2........Why Mioshi? XD
Jul. 10, 2011  7:31 AM
 
You'll see:
Chapter 12: Figment of Imagination
I woke up startled. It was a dream. Why Mioshi though. I sat awake wondering what had happened. Tomorrow was a big match for me. I was entering another match to have ready a place for my little brother, Igor. I was wondering what had happened at home while I was gone. Anyway, my goal was to enter the Big Bang Bladers, and battle for the Russian team. And I slowly drifted into Dreamland.........
Jul. 10, 2011  7:38 PM
 
Cute yay my character has a big part
Jul. 13, 2011  10:56 PM
 
Chapter 13: Blazing Defeat
I walked up to the stadium, fierce as ever. a kid with red bey walked up. We launched our beys without signal. A blaze of heated aura surrounded the bey. I clashed into the opponent's bey with a freezing attack. I hit him rapidly a bunch of times. It didn't work. It kept melting the attacks. It slowed my bey down. Fenrir kept attacking Hrlios until it was weak. It rose with the sun. I used a final attack. "Sub Zero Blitzer!" I yelled. Fenrir came at him with a freezing cloud around himself. It hit the bey. The fire turned to ice. That was easy. They all cheered for me. I won the match.
Jul. 13, 2011  11:52 PM
 
(Jul. 13, 2011  10:56 PM)LordCepheusIII Wrote: Chapter 13: Blazing Defeat
I walked up to the stadium, fierce as ever. a kid with red bey walked up. We launched our beys without signal. A blaze of heated aura surrounded the bey. I clashed into the opponent's bey with a freezing attack. I hit him rapidly a bunch of times. It didn't work. It kept melting the attacks. It slowed my bey down. Fenrir kept attacking Hrlios until it was weak. It rose with the sun. I used a final attack. "Sub Zero Blitzer!" I yelled. Fenrir came at him with a freezing cloud around himself. It hit the bey. The fire turned to ice. That was easy. They all cheered for me. I won the match.

I am confused right now. Is this his dream, or a real match? You never explained that.
Jul. 14, 2011  3:40 AM
 
Sorry. Real life.
Jul. 16, 2011  3:02 AM
 
Haha cool, thanks for using my character.
Aaaand Mountain Atlas sounds cool... What is the track and tip?
Jul. 16, 2011  11:55 PM
 
MD 120 (Metal Defense)
RD (Rubber Defense)
Jul. 17, 2011  7:58 AM
 
Chapter 14: Andrei's Fury (Full name Andrei Ogonʹ)
DJ agreed with me that we needed a break. So we're having a spring break. I'm going home for the week. I got on the plane and waited for a few hours. In the back of the plain was a Stadium with tons of food, luxury seats, TV, and drinks. I sneaked (Real Word) to the back. I called Dmitri. He picked up. "Hello?" he said.
"GET BACK HERE!" I yelled.
"No."
"Why?"
"Because, I don't want to."
"JUST COME ON!"
"Okay."
He finally came. I told him that I was battling next. He didn't comment. A kid came up. He had a bey that had a warrior's helm on it. We stuck out our launcher's. I attached my white grip to my blue string launcher. He attached an orange launcher to a yellow grip. "3, 2, 1, Let it rip!" everyone yelled. We launched our beys. A warrior came out of his bey. A grey zombie-looking one. Fenrir knocked it out. No big deal. Then more came out of it. "Deadly Army!" he yelled. It came at me. When I hit it, it had strange reaction. It sparked and bounced. I also didn't have a good feeling about the Spin Track. So I came at it with a quick finish. "Sub Zero Twist!" I yelled. He came at the opponent's bey with a spiraling mist. "Retreating Counter Strike!" the kid yelled. He leaned to the rubber side of his tip and bounced toward my bey. The smoke had come and gone fast. I had won. "Samuel," he said and shook my hand.
"Nice to meet you," I said.
"You should join the WBO Training Camp. You'll have tons of fun. Come meet me at the airport in 7 days, OK?"
"OK," he replied. We landed. Me and Dmitri got off the plain. We took a taxi to our house. It was burned down, my mom and Igor standing out side, afraid. There was a crazy man laughing in the house.
To be Continued...............
Comment and Vote on Poll
Jul. 17, 2011  9:11 AM
 
Is this too straight forward?
Ya know, even is a simple thing, you should exaggerate it as possible.

like this:
A kid ran onto the stadium board. He holds up his bey and said, ' I'll knock you out with my best partner!'
His bey's Face was marked with a Warrior's helm on it, in a dank blue colour. The metallic paint was shining because of daylight, looks like a gorgeous warrior, holding a long ,beautiful sword in his hand.
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