World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc. Off-Topic Forums Your Creations

Beyblade: Metal Kings

Poll: How is my story?

Ur a loser u dumb *beep*!
15.07%
11
Not that good
12.33%
9
pretty ok
24.66%
18
it is really good
35.62%
26
best story EVER!
12.33%
9
Total: 100% 73 vote(s)
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Jun. 21, 2011  8:27 AM
 
more to come soon
Jul. 13, 2011  10:37 PM
 
Chapter 32: Polaris!
I walked up to he stadium was at. A simple stadium. We launched our beys at an exact time. They clashed. Polaris moved faster than Cepheus. I thought about how I would defeat this guy. He moved faster than ever. He spiked me in the air. and then he defeated me. An easy match. I was devistated. Then randomly, someone came up to me. "Azriel?" he asked. I nodded. He handed me a letter. One to Comet and Cain to. "'Dear Azriel,'" I read, "'You have been invited to Big Bang Bladers III. It will be in 4 months.'" I was so excited. I had to prepare.
Jul. 13, 2011  10:55 PM
 
Seriously, these chapters are puny. Doesn't show much effort on your part. Bad mechanics, spelling issues, etc.

You should try writing on Serebii forums, you would get shot down. Each chapter has to be more than a page, for one.

This is the length of a parragrph. It's pathetic. Yes, I am imitating you in this paragraph.

There's also no description at all in these stories. Look at other quality stories on this site, and observe how they write. Try to learn from it. Literally, the battle was:
Quote:Polaris moved faster than Cepheus. I thought about how I would defeat this guy. He moved faster than ever. He spiked me into the air, and then he defeated me.

WTF? This would be a good example of a beyblade chapter (no, I'm not trying to glorify myself with this, but it's definitely a good example):
(Jun. 23, 2011  3:03 PM)GaHooleone Wrote: I believe you people wanted the chapter 2 I wrote? MCancer's character should appear in the next chapter. This is my first time writing a beystory, so enjoy!:

CHAPTER 2: Clash! Hydrus and Pegasis!


“Woah”, I said, as I stared at the bey, no, my bey, in the box. “Am I dreaming?”
“Happy birthday, George!”, my mom and friends said.
“Finally, my own bey! Let me test this out! Come on, somebody battle me!”, I said, jumping up and down out of excitement.
“Fine, I’ll battle you. Get ready to face my Pegasis!” Mom said, holding up her Basalt Pegasis.
“Ha, this is awkward. George’ll be battling his own mom?” Alejandro whispered to Austra.
‘What was that, Alejandro?”, Mom said with an eyebrow twitching.
“U-u-u-uhh, n-nothing at all!” stammered Alejandro.
My mom and I walked outside to the beystadium, where both of us held our launchers parallel to the floor. I stared at my mom’s launcher, a Launcher grip and beylauncher, thinking about how I only had a Light Launcher II to work with.
“I’m sure I can win though, I mean, she’s my MOM. How tough could she be?” I thought to myself.
“Come on, lazybones, snap out of it and count down already!”
“If you say so, Mom.” I stated with a slight smile, noticing the height differences between our beys. Her Pegasis can’t even hit Flowing Hydrus! This’ll be a piece of cake.
“3!”
“2!”
“1!”
“GO SHOOT!”, my mom and I yelled, as Hydrus and Pegasis landed in the stadium.
“GO Pegasis!”, my mom yelled.
“Mom, please. Don’t sound so cheesy, that’s what Ginga’s supposed to do.” I complained.
“Just getting fired up, that’s all.” My mom said with a wink.
Hydrus sat at the center, while Pegasis was bouncing around the stadium in a triangular fashion.
“Pegasis, attack!”
Pegasis stopped bouncing and rushed in towards Hydrus, while my mind raced to think of a comeback. Of course! With the 85 track, Pegasis can’t hit me, and I could avoid the Basalt metal wheel by hitting Pegasis from above!
“Hold your ground, Hydrus! Wait for the right moment!” I yelled.
Pegasis rushed in, and as I expected, couldn’t hit the bottom of Hydrus’ metal wheel. However, Hydrus was slowly getting pushed back from the force of Basalt Pegasis’ attack.
“Hydrus, now! Lean back, then attack!” I shouted
Hydrus leaned back, letting the wave of W2D catch the edge of the stadium, sending it racing around the stadium.
“Oh, what’s this?”
“Now Hydrus, attack!” I yelled confidently.
Hydrus smashed into Pegasis, who was barely moved thanks to the Basalt wheel. However, Hydrus then leaned forward and grinded Pegasis into the ground, sending Pegasis bouncing into the air.
“Yes, it worked!” I cheered.
“Nice work, George! You’ll win for sure now!” Austra and Alejandro exclaimed.
“Don’t count me out just yet.”, my mom said slyly.
“What?!”
Pegasis hit the edge of the stadium, and rushed back at Hydrus.
“Hah, it won’t matter, Pegasis can’t touch Hydrus!”
“Yes, that would be true. But what if I hit you while leaning over?”, Pollus said.
Pegasis leaned forward and smashed into the 205 track. But then!
“NO! Hydrus, lean back and roll out of the way!” I yelled. But it was too late. Pegasis’ Quake bottom caused Basalt (yes, that heavy monster known as Basalt) to smash hard into the underside of Flowing Hydrus. Hydrus flew high into the air, then smashed into the stadium wobbling crazily.
“NO! This means you’ll-”
“Let’s go, Pegasis! SPECIAL MOVE: BASALT BURIAL!” my mom yelled.
“NO, HYDRUS!”
Pegasis rushed to the edge of the stadium and leaned over, causing the Q tip to send it high into the air, just above Hydrus. Pegasis turned sideways and fell straight down onto Hydrus’ side. A giant cloud of smoke erupted from the special move.
“Wait, won’t you stop spinning too? You fell in as well, there’s no way out!” I said desperately.
“Honestly George, use your brain. What would be the point of a special move if it would cause me to lose as well?”
As the smoke cleared, an enormous, 2-foot-deep hole was revealed in the center of the stadium. Inside the huge, gaping fissure laid a motionless Hydrus, covered in stones and dirt. Basalt Pegasis was bouncing around the edge of the hole. But of course! The Q tip caused Pegasis to bounce out of the hole as soon as it hit the side of the hole the special move created, thus making it win.
I sank to my knees, stammering. “I-I lost...”
“Well, you had the right idea for a first battle. You thought just like any other novice blader, and that’s completely normal. Well done, George,” my mom said as she helped me up.
“You just need more practice,” said Alejandro.
I don’t need more practice, I thought.
I need a special move.

See what I mean now?
Jul. 13, 2011  11:00 PM
 
I have writer's block.
Jul. 13, 2011  11:02 PM
 
I'm trying right now to not angrily post words which would get turned into carp on this website.

If you have writer's block, then DON'T WRITE right now. SIMPLE AS THAT.

It's called common sense. Plus, all of your other chapters aren't very long/descriptive either.
Jul. 13, 2011  11:29 PM
 
ok, ok
Aug. 01, 2011  10:29 PM
 
more to come soon.
Aug. 12, 2011  6:21 PM
 
Chapter 33: Chi's Wrath
Chi was sitting in his lair with corona in hand. Next to him were Storm Strike, Reiki, and Kyle. He was thinking about something. He suddenly got a plan. He would battle someone. He teleported along with his team. He appeared in front of me. "Battle me!" he screamed. But he pointed to Cain. He pulled out his launcher and so did Cain.
Writer's Block
Aug. 12, 2011  9:48 PM
 
I'd like to make a character request.

Name:Rene Oaya
Beyblade:Rock Pegasus ED145 JB(Defense Type)
Special Move:Rock DestructionTongue_outegasus flies into the air and summon rocks to attack the oppenent's bey.
Spin Direction:Both
Gender:Male
PersonalityEeevil,Sadistic,Competitive,Quiet,and Smart.
TeamTongue_outure Winning Noobs (PWN)
Team ranking:Leader out of 7
Appearance:Mask to cover his face.Black shirt written in white saying"Pwnage"with a slogan on the back saying"Mess with the best,Die with the rest".blonde hair looks like Kyoya.blue ripped up jeans.red belt with a sign(PWN's sign)that has swords crossover.
Aug. 13, 2011  11:54 AM
 
FINALLY, A REQUEST. thank you.
Aug. 15, 2011  10:05 PM
 
I too shall want to make a character request in thesse tales of yours. Please Accept, but first choose carefully storywriter.

Character Profile:
Kenta Yuki

DATE OF BIRTH: June 14, ----
GENDER: Male
AGE: 14

ANY FAMILY?
Yes, Kenta has a brother and a sister.
Their names are (brother) Ryu Yuki and (sister) Chi-Min
(You see their mom was Chinese).
Apparently no parents, because of an accident (I shall explain).

CHARACTERISTICS
Kenta is a devoted and hard working child, even though he is shown to be scorned at and disliked by other adults and children. He is also very energetic, since he transforms the worryful energy around him to positive and happy energy.
He is not strong and is well rounded between the fiery Gingka, the calm Hyoma,
and the friendly Kenta (Yumiya). He is also a very fast runner.

BACKGROUND
Kenta was only 8 years old when his parents died serving the WBBA as spies and were killed by Ryu Chin, who hosted the Dark Nebula internationally. In those lonesome four years Kenta has had to care for his siblings and spent every cent (or whatever currency) on them and their well-being and education. (That's why he's scorned at and disliked at school). However Kenta sees the chance to change this by blading for the WBBA and becomes a spy (like Tsubasa, remember).

BEYBLADE: Flame Aries 125 SD (Midnight Bull's spintrack, Bull's tip)
Rock Aries (Aries Spintrack) WD
(WD: Wide Defense (Eagle tip))
TEAM: Lucias Galaxia (representing Spain currently, Japan and Russia later on)
RANKING: LEADER, or 2nd rank
APPEARANCE: BLACK WBBA shirt, Red Headband, and Black and White shorts, and White Running Shoes. Formal look: Black shirt, Red tie, Black coat, Black Dress pants, and Black wear-to-party shoes. He has peachy skin, Dark Brown almost Black eyes, a Gingka nose WITHOUT the white bandage and Masamune's hair.
Aug. 16, 2011  3:43 AM
 
(Aug. 12, 2011  6:21 PM)LordCepheusIII Wrote:
Writer's Block

I often wonder if you read sometimes...

The story could be a lot better. Just re-read Ga's post.

@Ga, Your chapter isn't bad, but mine are all better Cool
Aug. 18, 2011  11:03 PM
 
When is chapter 34 gonna come out?
Sep. 03, 2011  7:47 PM
 
sorry i've been gone. I'm tryin to get inspiration
Sep. 13, 2011  12:49 AM
 
does anyone read this?
Sep. 13, 2011  1:23 AM
 
BattleBlader321 The fact that you don't even use his name (Storwriter and tales of yours). Next time, try to make a real character for each story rather than C+P-ing. It really should be considered SPAM.

@LCIII Try not to accept CRs. Make some of your own characters, or don't really write at all Uncertain. Sorry.
Sep. 13, 2011  3:45 AM
 
(Sep. 13, 2011  12:49 AM)LordCepheusIII Wrote: does anyone read this?

i still do but you havent released chapter 34 and i still dont know bout my character request.well if you want to see it again here it is...


Name:Rene Oaya
Beyblade:Rock Pegasus ED145 JB(Defense Type)
Special Move:Rock DestructionTongue_outegasus flies into the air and summon rocks to attack the oppenent's bey.
Spin Direction:Both
Gender:Male
PersonalityEeevil,Sadistic,Competitive,Quiet,and Smart.
TeamTongue_outure Winning Noobs (PWN)
Team ranking:Leader out of 7
Appearance:Mask to cover his face.Black shirt written in white saying"Pwnage"with a slogan on the back saying"Mess with the best,Die with the rest".blonde hair looks like Kyoya.blue ripped up jeans.red belt with a sign(PWN's sign)that has swords crossover.


EDIT:Just saw sparta's post...nevermind bout the CR


Sep. 17, 2011  6:39 PM
 
New chapters coming. I'm thinknig about what to do right now.
Chapter 34: Cain Unleashed
Chi and Cain pulled their launchers out. As Chi launched Corona, I sensed a new energy. He had switched modes of Corona. As Cain launched Ghost Corvus (I had to change it) It ran rapidly into Corona unlike any other stamina type. As he clashed with him, a small spark of black energy was created. Corona dodged most of Corvus' attacks. Corona moved faster. He shot straight forward. He hit Corvus with frightening power. Then Corvus moved faster. They moved so fast that I couldn't see them. Then I realized what was going on. They had a score to settle. He struck Corona with amazing might. Corvus moved forward faster that the last shot. then finally Cain screamed, "Special Move! Shadow Phantom Wing Smash Assault!" his bey spun faster and faster until He turned into a ball of black energy. He moved so fast that he couldn't be seen. Then he hit corona with finishing strike. Cain won. Something that I've never accomplished.
Sep. 17, 2011  7:51 PM
 
I like it. If u can include. Character.
Name: nex
Bey: phantom bull f:s
Special move: blazing horn spear.
Bio. Nex wears black jeans with a black hoodie. He has spiky red hair and is mysterious. He's not friend,y but he's not mean. His bey and him are very close. He never crys. That would be cool if u could include him but the story is really awesome.
Oct. 15, 2011  1:36 AM
 
ok
Nov. 19, 2011  12:50 AM
 
maybe my character too?

Name: Jerimyah Jones Male

Beyblade: Death Quetzalcoatl 145 WD

Special Move: (Defense Mode) Harden Scales .Acts like a coiled snake that wont budge. (Attack mode) 8 Fangs of Poison. Hits the opposing bey 8 times slowing it down then a final blow attacking with all 8 fangs

Beast : a Giant Feathered Snake

Bio:He got his bey from his father when he was 5 and his dad died. He goes around the world exploring. He wears a necklace with a snake on it and a dark yellow hodie with jeans. Dosen't talk much. Age: 14

Born in USA but move to Japan to explore
Nov. 19, 2011  3:17 AM
 
awesum story,i really liked it,u dont need any edits man!awesome!
Apr. 02, 2012  10:04 PM
 
hello
i've returned
Dec. 13, 2012  9:50 PM
 
that will be a very good story.will you put my character in your story Plz.
charcter:mark,beyblade:rock wolf,special move: time wall blast: make all bey that tuches it stop spining. rockwolf is a super powerful bey that can turn the earth to dust if order whated to. ITS prezents makes the sky turn dark.
your story lordcepheus3
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