BeyBlade:the Fury

Poll: do you think i should post a sequel?

yes
33.33%
1
no
66.67%
2
Total: 100% 3 vote(s)
CLASH!!!BANG!!!BOOM!!!VULCAN PERSUES!!!SPECIAL MOVE,JADE FLARE!!!Flash...
two bladers:
1.Vulcan Persues users name:Michael
2.Beafowl Destroy users name:Adam
Their journey starts by Michael & Adam are walking home from school,and a Meteor crashes on their friend,Cole's house!It cracked open and 2 mysterious beys were in it:1 was a Vulcan Persues.2 was aBeafowl Destroy!Michael says:I'l take this Persues!Then Adam says:Imma take the Beafowl then!3,2,1,LET IT RIP!!!They battled!Wind and fire came from Persues.Fire and shadows came from Beafowl.In the end,it was a tie!They decided to hang out after school every single day!

Hope u liked it!Grin
Erm...
What is this?
I would like to see a little more detail, maybe a little character development, maybe paragraphs, proper grammar...
There's alot that could be improved on. A lot.
~X~
if u want,il post a sequel!Joyful_3
here,i will post a sequel now!
Joyful_3
Erm...
I'd try looking up a semi-ok story before preceding.
I had trouble understanding this. So tow kids got beyblades, battled once, tied, and lived happily ever after?
Little more detail, plot, and characters with some depth.
And remember: Try making each chapter a page or more in MS Word!
~X
hmm...
i guess i COULD,use some more ideas...idk
_^_
wats an MS word?hmm_^_
Best idea:
Look around, read other stories, but don't copy them.
I have a story, it's...different. Not really focused on the Beyblade battles, but more of the people's struggles.
Not to die.
But, yeah. Work on it.
And if you take character requests, only do it for well-written ones, that would meld into your story.
that,would be the BEST,idea man!
This is the sequel:

While Michael and Adam are at the park,a big bully appears!He tries to take Michael and Adam's beys!Michael challenges the bully to a battle!
Battling Beys:
Vulcan Persues DGrin vs. Galaxy Capricorn 780 LF
3,2,1,LET IT RIP!!!GO,VULCAN PERSUES!!!Michael cries!GALAXY CAPRICORN!!!The bully cries!GALAXY CAPRICORN!!!GALAXY HORN!!!Persues went flying onto the playground's slide,and ran down.Persues' bit-beast appeared!A blue sword was ready to slash down on Capricorn!Michael criesConfusedUPER SWORD SLASH ATTACK!!!The sword hits Capricorn fiercely,forcing it into a sleep out!Michael and Persues won!Adam was speechless!Persues flew back into Michael's hand.The bully ran home,crying as his bey was smoking!Adam and Michael got their beys to keep,and played man hunt for the next while...

Hope you liked it!Joyful_3
i need character requests
You need a better story.
This is bad.
Real bad.
Plus character requests are also bad.
Real bad.
Another Chapter!
I got the bolded thing figured out,so enjoy!!!

CHAPTER THREE

Michael and Adam were at a BeyBlade tournament the next day,and in the first round,it was a piece of cake!Only 12 bladers out of 24 passed!It was a BIG,tournament!
In the second round,there were stronger bladers.One was bye the name of Ross.He used a Gravity UnicornoD105WF.His friend's name was Jay.He used a Fang Ares.As the tournament went on,Michael,Adam,Ross,and Jay were in the semi-finals.
First,Adam battled Ross.
Battling BeyBlades:
Beafowl Destroy D:D VS. Gravity UnicornoD105WF
3!!!2!!!1!!!LET IT RIP!!!Beafowl and Unicorno Clash,as a sonic flash comes from Unicorno,and flames come from Beafowl!BEAFOWL!!!Adam cried.PECK WIND!!!Beafowl's beak grew sharp!It smashes at Unicorno!Unicorno is sent flying!Unicorno unleashes its special move!UNICORNO,SPECIAL MOVE!!!GRAVITY HORN FORCE!!!Beafowl is sent out of the stadium,smoking...

Hope you enjoyed it!!!

Wat the heck!

I put all of my thought into this!I'm not going to do character requests anymore!!!
http://worldbeyblade.org/Thread-A-Story-...DRACIEL-TY
Use this as a reference on what NOT to do in a story.
You're just writing down gibberish and random stuff that you think is "cool" and none of it is tying together as a story.
You should add a bit more detail about the character's life, and all. But otherwise, it's good Grin
(Nov. 24, 2011  12:53 AM)Tris Wrote: it's good Grin

(Nov. 24, 2011  12:53 AM)Tris Wrote: it's good Grin

Why do I even go onto this forum?
Please tell me this isn't a serious attempt at a story?

It would help if any of the beys were actually possible, seeing as these parts exist and don't go together at all, and a 780 track would not be launchable.

You have no pacing, beyblade names that were apparently pulled out of a hat of incompatible or impossible parts, poor grammar, no use of consistent tense...


It's like a serious version of this: http://worldbeyblade.org/Thread-A-Story-...DRACIEL-TY

(Nov. 24, 2011  12:53 AM)Tris Wrote: You should add a bit more detail about the character's life, and all. But otherwise, it's good Grin

It's terrible and you shouldn't encourage it. If you actually think it's good, then you shouldn't be in this part of the forums at all.
It's a STORY!It's supposed to be"Make Belief",and it isn't nice to offend anyone's thread!Don't be mean!I'm trying my best here!
If it's "make belief" then make it good make belief.
Not carp.
There's a difference between "make believe" and "stupid".

I'm not being mean, I'm being honest.
A 780 track would be launchable,as my friend's cousin works for Hasbro and Takara Tomi,and created the first and only 780 track
(Nov. 24, 2011  1:06 AM)^_^ Wrote: A 780 track would be launchable,as my friend's cousin works for Hasbro and Takara Tomi,and created the first and only 780 track

And I am the Queen's mother. True story.
(Nov. 24, 2011  1:06 AM)^_^ Wrote: A 780 track would be launchable,as my friend's cousin works for Hasbro and Takara Tomi,and created the first and only 780 track

Nobody works for both Hasbro and TAKARA-TOMY, so they were most likely lying ...

I will just close this topic to make you avoid any more humiliation ...