World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc. Off-Topic Forums Your Creations

A Frozen World to a Dragon Tale (A Story)

Poll: Rate My Story

1- Awful Hated Quit
14.29%
1
2- I really don't like it
0%
0
3-Pretty Bad
14.29%
1
4- OK i supose though i won't read
0%
0
5-Pretty Meh
42.86%
3
6- I sorta Like it
14.29%
1
7-I like i will keep reading
0%
0
8-Whens the next chapter
0%
0
9-this is Awesome
0%
0
10- I love this story
14.29%
1
Total: 100% 7 vote(s)
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  • Show Results
Jun. 17, 2011  4:51 AM
 
After Exciting Dreams and stuff and ideas and incorporated it in to my depressing life I am Making a New Story NO CHARACTER REQUEST SPAMMERS. This is my Final Attempt at writing if this is bad I will never write on the WBO Again also Ignore Poll Just comment about it but don't just yell awesoem say something you likd hated or critisize/Advise.
Part one Below
Spoiler (Click to View)
Jun. 17, 2011  6:33 AM
 
Name:Andrew Rogami
Bey:Charge Capricorne 100RMF(Right Metal Flat)
Side:Good
Special Move:Thunder Storm Screwdriver (The bey Flys into the air so high that it starts to rain then coming down with speeds causing it to conduct electricity. Then hitting the other bey(s) causing them to lose all spin)
Personality:Fun-loving,entergetic
Age:12
Description:He recieved his bey from his freind before he moved away.He has perfected his Capricorne so that he can use it's full power.
Jun. 17, 2011  12:30 PM
 
(Jun. 17, 2011  6:33 AM)M.Cancer90R2F Wrote: Name:Andrew Rogami
Bey:Charge Capricorne 100RMF(Right Metal Flat)
Side:Good
Special Move:Thunder Storm Screwdriver (The bey Flys into the air so high that it starts to rain then coming down with speeds causing it to conduct electricity. Then hitting the other bey(s) causing them to lose all spin)
Personality:Fun-loving,entergetic
Age:12
Description:He recieved his bey from his freind before he moved away.He has perfected his Capricorne so that he can use it's full power.

well i might not take request but i will consider them when i need them I really need Bad guys
Jun. 17, 2011  12:34 PM
 
well i wish i was in the place of the main character the concept and the story itself is good
Jun. 17, 2011  12:43 PM
 
The story still needs to come out because Billy is tyhe main character and for your info their beys

Devin- Thunder Serpent R145 CS (Thunder in this instance is as good as the Libra wheel)
Eric- Night Saggitario C230 WD (Claws230 and Night in this instance is as good as Virgo 5 minute mold)
Julien- Earth Terasu GB145 IB (Ice Ball)
Billy- Burn Fico CH120 MF/MD (Metal defense/ Metal Flat

I can't wait for Sparta to jump all over this
Jun. 17, 2011  12:47 PM
 
no emotion... nuff' said.
Jun. 17, 2011  1:20 PM
 
This story is a scenario to me.
Some improvements are needed ,
and where is those fullstops and question marks?
Jun. 18, 2011  3:42 AM
 
(Jun. 17, 2011  1:20 PM)Meteo LDrago Wrote: This story is a scenario to me.
Some improvements are needed ,
and where is those fullstops and question marks?

well i always feel i confuse characters in the same line so that is why there are lines and fir the Grammer i try my best but can not get evrything
Jun. 18, 2011  3:09 PM
 
I want a lot of reviews before I start Writing the next Chapter
Jun. 18, 2011  10:32 PM
 
Writing the Next Chapter Now
Jun. 19, 2011  4:50 AM
 
is pretty good i havent finished reading both chapters so i cant give help right now but when i do ill give help
Jun. 19, 2011  4:55 AM
 
(Jun. 19, 2011  4:50 AM)Captain Caprii Wrote: is pretty good i havent finished reading both chapters so i cant give help right now but when i do ill give help

Thanks sorry i haven't finished another Chapter guys for some reason when i was writing i was constantly interupped then forced to leave my computer several times
Should i include Previous episode info as a starting or at the end of the episode a prievew or give a prievew alone all together or neither
Jun. 19, 2011  4:57 AM
 
why is the boy calling hes beyblade serpent when wwats hes name examined he said it was libra?good story tho
Jun. 19, 2011  4:58 AM
 
(Jun. 19, 2011  4:57 AM)Captain Caprii Wrote: why is the boy calling hes beyblade serpent when wwats hes name examined he said it was libra?good story tho

mistake writing libra that was Devin's Bey his Bey is Libra Serpent R145 CS pretty much Libra changed to thunder though it has the same performance as Libra
Jun. 19, 2011  5:43 AM
 
You use capital letters too often. Capital letters are only used at either the beginning of a sentence or for the name of a person or place. The gym doesn't need a capital letters. Personally there are too many grammar mistakes and not enough depth for me to really like the story. But trying is only going to make you better and good luck for the future.
Jun. 19, 2011  7:24 AM
 
(Jun. 19, 2011  5:43 AM)RowDog Wrote: You use capital letters too often. Capital letters are only used at either the beginning of a sentence or for the name of a person or place. The gym doesn't need a capital letters. Personally there are too many grammar mistakes and not enough depth for me to really like the story. But trying is only going to make you better and good luck for the future.

I know i always accidently make capitol too much i try to remove and often forget though for the episode name most times in episodes except simple words that sometimes do even become capitol are capitol though in the story i can understand that
Jul. 02, 2011  2:29 AM
 
SORRY FOR THE WAIT Writing now i have been Sick sorry
Jul. 02, 2011  3:26 AM
 
Ohmygosh, people and their polls these days. "Hated it quit forever!"? Really, you're encouraging people to vote for that. In fact, I think I want to (But I won't).
Not so hot chapter Wrote:Not so hot chapter

A few points:
1. Where's your descriptions? You can't slap dialogue together post it on a thread and call yourself a writer! These things take effort. Try to describe the scenes, using good adjectives and all senses. For once, type something not in quotations.
2. Transitions. Your story goes from on place to another without any explanation (Or you use the crappy "Then" or "Suddenly"). It should take a sentence or two, and should take the reader from one idea to the next. Call it a bridge, if you will.

Oh, one more addition:
“I will just take this check I’m rich” Devin says
“Devin you’re pretty cool let’s be friends says Eric “OK” Devin Replies.

No. Just, no.
Jul. 02, 2011  3:29 AM
 
(Jul. 02, 2011  3:26 AM)Sparta Wrote: Ohmygosh, people and their polls these days. "Hated it quit forever!"? Really, you're encouraging people to vote for that. In fact, I think I want to (But I won't).
Not so hot chapter Wrote:Not so hot chapter

A few points:
1. Where's your descriptions? You can't slap dialogue together post it on a thread and call yourself a writer! These things take effort. Try to describe the scenes, using good adjectives and all senses. For once, type something not in quotations.
2. Transitions. Your story goes from on place to another without any explanation (Or you use the crappy "Then" or "Suddenly"). It should take a sentence or two, and should take the reader from one idea to the next. Call it a bridge, if you will.

Oh, one more addition:
“I will just take this check I’m rich” Devin says
“Devin you’re pretty cool let’s be friends says Eric “OK” Devin Replies.

No. Just, no.

Thanks Am I at least Improving from this my first http://worldbeyblade.org/Thread-Billy-s-...UYS-WANTED and this http://worldbeyblade.org/Thread-Beyblade...uest-STORY my second I asked for them to be closed because they are all the same story just trying to be better also Next CHapter won't be up soon lost all my work when My comp froze sorry guys
Jul. 02, 2011  3:38 AM
 
(Jul. 02, 2011  3:29 AM)BillyBlast Wrote:
(Jul. 02, 2011  3:26 AM)Sparta Wrote: Ohmygosh, people and their polls these days. "Hated it quit forever!"? Really, you're encouraging people to vote for that. In fact, I think I want to (But I won't).
Not so hot chapter Wrote:Not so hot chapter

A few points:
1. Where's your descriptions? You can't slap dialogue together post it on a thread and call yourself a writer! These things take effort. Try to describe the scenes, using good adjectives and all senses. For once, type something not in quotations.
2. Transitions. Your story goes from on place to another without any explanation (Or you use the crappy "Then" or "Suddenly"). It should take a sentence or two, and should take the reader from one idea to the next. Call it a bridge, if you will.

Oh, one more addition:
“I will just take this check I’m rich” Devin says
“Devin you’re pretty cool let’s be friends says Eric “OK” Devin Replies.

No. Just, no.
Next CHapter won't be up soon lost all my work when My comp froze sorry guys
And yet you're typing...

Am I the only one seeing this?
Jul. 02, 2011  11:24 PM
 
(Jul. 02, 2011  3:38 AM)Sparta Wrote:
(Jul. 02, 2011  3:29 AM)BillyBlast Wrote:
(Jul. 02, 2011  3:26 AM)Sparta Wrote: Ohmygosh, people and their polls these days. "Hated it quit forever!"? Really, you're encouraging people to vote for that. In fact, I think I want to (But I won't).
Not so hot chapter Wrote:Not so hot chapter

A few points:
1. Where's your descriptions? You can't slap dialogue together post it on a thread and call yourself a writer! These things take effort. Try to describe the scenes, using good adjectives and all senses. For once, type something not in quotations.
2. Transitions. Your story goes from on place to another without any explanation (Or you use the crappy "Then" or "Suddenly"). It should take a sentence or two, and should take the reader from one idea to the next. Call it a bridge, if you will.

Oh, one more addition:
“I will just take this check I’m rich” Devin says
“Devin you’re pretty cool let’s be friends says Eric “OK” Devin Replies.

No. Just, no.
Next CHapter won't be up soon lost all my work when My comp froze sorry guys
And yet you're typing...

Am I the only one seeing this?
My Microsoft Word Froze then my computer It happens alot so I unplug the computer it actually pretty fast unpluggung and back in Though My work was unsaved
Sep. 02, 2011  5:30 AM
 
I'm Atempting again
Sep. 05, 2011  10:15 PM
 
Can I get one Review on the new story