the alarm beeped 8:30 a grunt came out of a blanket. hey ORION! a loud yell came from the stairway im coming Neal! Orion grabed his lancher and his Retainer Kitsune TT150CFB. He put his gray jeans and a white jacket with a red raceing stripe in the middle he finaly was ready for his towns beypark grand opening.
so neal whats your stradigey said orion? low attacks and avioding big opponets. cool wanna stop by the bey shop neal said sure. as soon as they walked in there over 20 people in the store buying new pieces for the new stadium and a huge logo over the counter it says !ZERO G BEYS IN STOCK! neal says whats zero g? i think its the new stadium orion say a store clerk walks up to orion and says may i see your bey sir? sure Hmm i see o thats interesting amazing! what? your bey is a one of a kind i have never seen one of these! its setup is perfect for the new stadium! here we have a demo stadium in the back. Orion and Neal walk into a large room full of stadiums .by the way the clerk says my name is Sam Corico nice to meet you neal and orion say simotanisly alright lets test out the stadium Orion and Neal walk up the steps that lean over the stadium alright guys 3...2...1...LET IT RIP! the beys spin with extreme velocity and power. go! Retainer Kitsune the TT150 kicks in and rocks the stadium and throws Neals Spiral Gil across the stadium causeing a stadium out!

Extra Retainer Kitsune is a fire element bey

PART 1

Sneak peek of PART 2 neal and orion go to the grand opening of the new bey park and Neal obtains his new bey Marine Siren WD145PD

I like the story but there's a ton of errors. you forgot to put the "_________" Around the words that people say.

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Spoiler (Click to View)

Sig by: xXJCherzXx

Daisuke Motomiya attached a moderator's notice to this user

Was warned for liking T.K. more then me.

this is my first story so thanks for the advice

You definitely need to make the chapters/parts longer. Also, dialogue goes like this:

"Hi Taleki!" I cried, suffocating my best friend with a big hug.

"Uh, hi Parika..." she gasped, face turning blue.

"Wanna battle?" I asked, taking out my bey, Cyber Leone W145EWD.

"Sure thing!" She revealed her Gravity Scorpio 100RF.


Also, you should use MS Word's Spell Check to fix some grammatical mistakes. Make certain that, in future chapters/parts, you give your characters real personality! Keep up the good writing!

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this is my first story so thanks for the advice

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You Never know what is coming

that was a great battle guys! Sam says . Neal do you want to get one of the new beys? Of course neal says but i dont have the money...Hmm well you are my best customer maybe i can put together a few parts for you says sam. Well thats awsome! says neal here lets go into the workshop Neal Sam and Orion Walk into a room full of parts and prototypes .here says Sam hands neal a prototype bey neak examines it its perfect! says neal its Marine Siren WD145PD says sam Bye says Orion. Neal and Orion walk out heading to the bey park after the walk a huge crowd is around a brand new building were blader Cape is talking alright! who is going to be the lucky pair to battle first in the new stadium?! there is going to be a tournamet held by the WBO and the winning pair get to battle also this is going to be a team battle so dont wait register you and a friend and WIN!
Neal says Orion lets do it

3...2...1...Let It RIP


Part 2


Im open to new charcters and beys

please dont give me advice or critisize me
i will reply as soon as i can and i will confirm that i will use your charcter by replying
321lir

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You Never know what is coming