sorry about the whole "No Name" thing i just couldn't come up with a name but i hope you enjoy the story


chapter 1!

Hi im christopher people call me chris for short i have dirty blonde hair a skinny tall body sky blue eyes and pale skin.As I wake up i get my clothes on a red T-shirt with blue stripes across and baige shorts with 7 pockets i grab my bey Flame Quetzalcotal WD145 WD a defence type and head downstairs for breakfast a bowl of cereal and head outside but before i do my mom says "where do you think your going without a coat".This happens all the time with my mom.She is so embarrassing like that but you dont want to get on her bad side so i go upstairs to my bedroom get my coat and go outside.I go to my friend "axels" house and knock on the door and wait a few seconds.Axel answers the door.Axel has pitch black hair tan skin and irish green eyes."Do you want to train?" i ask "sure where at?" asks Axel "at the place we always go" i reply the old pool.The pool is where we always went swimming but they closed it down and we use it as a bey stadium it really works good.We walk to the pool and we figure out witch one we want to battle in there are more than one pool the kitty pool the hot tub and the big pool we chose the big pool which we always choose.Axels bey is thunder lynx GB145 SF a balance type.We take aim

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Let It Rip!!!!

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should dad go to a hospital p.m. me for your opinion

I recommend using proper grammar and punctuation. Also put spacing between different topics to make it more organized. Make a first paragraph about Chris(traits), then develop an actual plot and story line. Put more details and information into the story. Try revising before you post another chapter. I would probably start over though. Good Luck with your story.

-Kyoyatategami

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Cause i'm just one hell of a butler guardian
Retired Beyblader, just a writer on Your Creations section
Want feedback on a story or need a judge? PM me, and I will try to give you tips and help you to the best of my ability.

thx

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i passed all my classes but writing

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should dad go to a hospital p.m. me for your opinion

This story could use a lot of improvement.

First: Don't create run on sentences. It makes it extremely hard to understand and causes confusion about the story. Things like commas, semi-colons, etc., are supposed to be used to keep the writing organised and nice to look at.

Second: Press the Enter Key. Putting everything into one block of text isn't very appeling and causes it to be a bit harder for some to read. For example:
________________________

The chilly air ran down my spine, as I thought about the incident.
"Hey! We need to go back home now!" Shane said as he ran towards me.
I nodded at him and began jogging in his direction. I could still feel the anxiety in my heart. I could hear the pumping in my head. I could feel the sweat drip down from my head. But, there was an obscure chill in the air.

Something was wrong.
________________________

I mean, your writing doesn't need to be as descriptive, but it should be organised. Try going to a new line after every dialogue. Add commas when you list things. Put a space after a period. Try not to creat run on sentences with the word "and" .

Three: Improve your grammar. When writing / telling a story, its best to keep the story in one tense; past or present. This allows for the reader to understand what is going on in the story more easily/ isn't as confusing.

Four: Remember to capitalize. Do this with pronouns, names of locations, the first word in a sentence, etc. This makes it look better and neater.

Five: SLOW DOWN. It seems that your story is very fast paced and there isn't a lot of time for the reader to keep up. It goes from introduction of main protagonist and then all of a sudden training with a friend. Try to break it down a bit.

Remember that these tips can be used for almost all types of writing! Good luck!


Read other stories on the forums to get a feel for writing.

Shameless Self Promotion xD

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|Instagram|deviantART|Music Album|Youtube|RPG Game|Story (Discontinued)|Sprites
TUMBLR

/r/YoutubeLetsPlay

Have you been stalking me? Because Chris has my exact physical characteristics O.o
Anyway, as people have said, it could use improvement in all categories.
Just keep at it!

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“In the course of twenty crowded years, one parts with many illusions. I did not wish to lose the early ones. Some memories are realities, and are better than anything that can ever happen again.” -Jim Burden (My Ántonia)

no i havent i look like that and i didnt write this my sister did shes like 12 and im 14 and we share the same account (even though she has her own) but have you read "Hunger Games (my version)"

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should dad go to a hospital p.m. me for your opinion

Grammar and spacing between sentences are definitely required, it bunches up the content a lot. Also, the length of the first part is very short. Go with about 3-4 paragraphs at least.

However, I like the idea you're coming up with.

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Come check out my Youtube Channel here! It's all about video games!

no i havent i look like that and i didnt write this my sister did shes like 12 and im 14 and we share the same account (even though she has her own) but have you read "Hunger Games (my version)"

Again, age shouldn't be the factor between quality. Me and my sister are also two years apart, yet she might actually do better than me in grammar.

Why doesn't see use her own account? It makes it a lot harder for us to "distinguish" you two from each other/ tell who's post is who's. This allows for criticism to reach the correct person.


Here is the edited version of the story (It could be better, though) :

Hi! I'm Christopher. People call me Chris for short. I have dirty blonde hair, a skinny tall body, sky blue eyes and pale skin. As I woke up i got my clothes, put on a red T-shirt with blue stripes across and beige shorts with 7 pockets. I grabbed my bey Flame Quetzalcotal WD145 WD, a defence type. I headed downstairs for breakfast a bowl of cereal and walked outside but before I did my mom said "Where do you think your going without a coat?!"

This happens all the time with my mom. She is so embarrassing like that but you don't want to get on her bad side. I went upstairs to my bedroom get my coat and got outside. I went over to my friend Axels house and knocked on the door and waited a few seconds. Axel answered the door. He has pitch black hair, tan skin, and irish green eyes.
"Do you want to train?" I asked
"Sure! Where at?" asked Axel
"At the place we always go" I replied. We were going to the the old pool.The pool was where we always went swimming but they closed it down. Now we use it as a bey stadium. It works really good. We walked to the pool and we figured out which pool we want to battle in. There are more than one pool; the kitty pool, the hot tub, and the big pool. We chose the big pool; we always pick that one. Axel's bey is Thunder Lynx GB145 SF, a balance type. We take aim

3…
2…
1…
Let It Rip!

---

|Instagram|deviantART|Music Album|Youtube|RPG Game|Story (Discontinued)|Sprites
TUMBLR

/r/YoutubeLetsPlay

Here is the edited version of the story (It could be better, though) :

Hi! I'm Christopher. People call me Chris for short. I have dirty blonde hair, a skinny tall body, sky blue eyes and pale skin. As I woke up i got my clothes, put on a red T-shirt with blue stripes across and beige shorts with 7 pockets. I grabbed my bey Flame Quetzalcotal WD145 WD, a defence type. I headed downstairs for breakfast a bowl of cereal and walked outside but before I did my mom said "Where do you think your going without a coat?!"

This happens all the time with my mom. She is so embarrassing like that but you don't want to get on her bad side. I went upstairs to my bedroom get my coat and got outside. I went over to my friend Axels house and knocked on the door and waited a few seconds. Axel answered the door. He has pitch black hair, tan skin, and irish green eyes.
"Do you want to train?" I asked
"Sure! Where at?" asked Axel
"At the place we always go" I replied. We were going to the the old pool.The pool was where we always went swimming but they closed it down. Now we use it as a bey stadium. It works really good. We walked to the pool and we figured out which pool we want to battle in. There are more than one pool; the kitty pool, the hot tub, and the big pool. We chose the big pool; we always pick that one. Axel's bey is Thunder Lynx GB145 SF, a balance type. We take aim

3…
2…
1…
Let It Rip!

You over-achiever you. XD

But yeah, that's what it should pretty much look like.

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Come check out my Youtube Channel here! It's all about video games!