alexscott12's story 1: Ginga's destiny

Poll: is it good?

needs improvement
this is carp!
Total: 100% 23 vote(s)
it was a beautiful day in Koma Village when Ginga woke up next to storm pegasis. he got up to go have breakfast and saw his father deep in thought. Ryo finally notices Ginga standing there and says "Ginga, I have to tell you something". "what is it, dad?" "you... have a brother!" "Gasp what!? how come I never knew!?" "because, I felt it better to hide it from you, but I was thinking, It's no longer necessary to hide it... Ginga, what are you doing!!!???" "I'm packing. I have to find him. sorry father, but he also needs to know the truth about me being his brother, that, and he's probably a good blader too, so I have someone that can challenge me" 10 minutes later,just at the entrance to the forest, someone launches their bey at Ginga. Ginga launches storm pegasis just in time, and sees who it was that attacked him. it was Hyouma. " I heard you and Ryo talking, and you think I want to be left behind?" "Ok Hyouma, let's go" they enter the forest, ready for anything that comes their way. End chapter 1

so? what do you think? anyone who wants me to use their character, go ahead and tell me name, appearance,bey, beyparts and abilities. I don't know where the create your own MFB character thread is at, so please just tell me here about your character
yay, you made a story! just a few things though:

1. Make sure that when a new person starts talking, you start a new line like this
"Hey dude, what's up?

"Oh, nothin much."

2. Use capitals

other than that its good Grin
name Arashi brown hair clothing jeans sneakers and tshirt with Susanow's face on it. bey MF Bakushin Susanow 100RF special move Tearing Storm Blast a giant whirlpool forms around Susanow who then rams into the opposing bey causing serious damage.
thanks, I'll try to fit in the next chapter today If I have time
First, Yay! Second, I want the Digitized Pegasus ML80MF we discussed. Go to the PM if you can't remember it. Third, Red_Eyes_Zombie is right. Requires a bit more... oomph. I suggest longer paragraphs and a bit more detail. Also, don't add 10 minutes later type of things unless totally necessary. Talk about what he packed, maybe why he packed and maybe something a bit funny. Other than that, it's pretty good!
The 'story' progresses too fast.
What happened to their mother..? Loop point?
Ginga doesn't have a mother in this story, unless you want me to incorporate her into it somehow? and kyuubi, would you like me to post that character in the next part?
Well are you just going to leave that part open? You brought in a sibling, so it might bring up questions.
True True Dan. Yah, maybe as a rival or something.
His mother, a rival? Wut!? Or do you mean his unknown sibling?
Neither. I made up the characters for him. Dan that gives me an idea. Thanks!
On a completely unrelated note, some guy named aquila rules just asked me for some HMS beys randomly.
Alright, whatever the idea is, the person has to be named Dan. Lmao.
(Dec. 20, 2010  8:38 PM)Dan Wrote: Alright, whatever the idea is, the person has to be named Dan. Lmao.

If you knew what I was thinking, that would make absolutely no sense. No offense.
tbh, I don't mind read that much anymore. Speechless
I don't even see how that could be offensive, since I cannot know what you think. No offense.
(Dec. 20, 2010  8:42 PM)Dan Wrote: tbh, I don't mind read that much anymore. Speechless
I don't even see how that could be offensive, since I cannot know what you think. No offense.
My fingers have minds of their own! I thought I typed that it was a stupid idea! Sent the idea to Alex.
I'll be waiting until some more people post, as I need a bunch of bladers to try and stop ginga and hyouma from getting out of the forest
Adding link to Sig.
Edit: Done.
Edit 2: I asked the people who read my story to come and read/post here.
Hey alexscott, if you are taking character requests, here are mine. use whichever one you like:

Name: Trey Robinson
Bey: Flame Eagle WA130RSF
Type: Balance
Appearance: Black hair, brown eyes, red t-shirt with black jeans, running shoes (he hates converses and the like)
Bio: A nice fellow, has some very good friends, used to use Clay Aquario until his birthday, when his parents bought some beys and put together Flame Eagle for him.
Special Move(s):

Giga Flame Wing Burst- Flame Eagles track begins to spin real fast, then flames start to rise, engulfing everything in the arena. A giant eagle mad of fire rises out of the face and lets loose a loud attack cry. The bey rams the opposing bey into the air, where the rising fire stops any chance of an attack.

Rush Flame- Flame Eagle surrounds itself with a bright flame and starts to move really fast, quickly attacking the opposing bey, used as a counter.

Name: Dennis Spirin
Bey: Storm Wolf T125CS
Type: Attack
Appearance: Brownish hair, blue eyes, blue t-shirt with red track pants, running shoes
Bio: A really nice guy just like Trey. Sometimes can be over-confident. Likes to beybattle with friends. Has had Storm Wolf ever since he was a little boy. Can be quick to anger.

Special Move(s):

Tornado Fangs: Wolf starts to spin faster and faster until the track whips up a tornado shaped like a wolf. Then Wolf charges into the opponent and smashes it out of the ring.

Twister Howl: A twister is created by the track. Then a Wolf aura appears around the bey and Dennis too (only if he's really mad.) A loud howl is heard, and Wolf's attack power is increased by 2x
I'll use both, they'll appear in the next part
I remember those! They're in your story, Red_Eyes_Zombie, Beyblade: Axcess.
(Dec. 21, 2010  3:10 AM)Kyuubi-Master Wrote: I remember those! They're in your story, Red_Eyes_Zombie, Beyblade: Axcess.

yea Grin

they are so pro, they are everywhere
(Dec. 20, 2010  8:35 PM)Dan Wrote: His mother, a rival? Wut!?

Holy Jesus yes.
in the middle of the of the forest,ginga and hyouma are suddenly attacked by a group of mysterious bladers

" tell us who you are and what do you want!?"

" I'm Tyler Iriga, and this is Digitized Pegasus ML80MF. I'm Yuuka Hiratoshi, and this is Flying Apus WDF145EWD.we heard about you, and If you find your brother, our plan cannot move to the next step! so we're just gonna stop you here and now"

"we'll just see about that!"




"Go Shoot!"

storm pegasus and digitized pegasus keep clashing head on ,but they are at equal strength!. meanwhile, aries is struggling against apus's amazing defense! after a few minutes of this going with no victor, Ginga decides to finish the battle

"special move! pegasis stormbringer!"

"oh no! Apus,activate eternal wide defense spin track!"

"digitized pegasis,use digitized stormbringer!"

Apus's eternal wide defence is blown away by the two pegasis's powers! a huge dust cloud appears, and when the dust settles, it is seen that Ginga and hyouma were just too strong!

"no, we lost... but it was a good battle. mind if we hang with you guys for awhile?

"you two can totally come with us! the more help the better."

"that battle took a while. it's already dark out!"

"let's set up camp here for the night. I'm starving and tired. I really wish we were in a city, as I could go for a huge cheeseburger right about now!" end chapter 2

Is this chapter a little bit better than the last? or do I still need to improve? I'm still taking character requests, so go ahead
lol, where are my characters?

anyways, this is good, just keep remembering to use capitals Grin
oops, they'll appear soon enough, don't worry. btw, did you catch what I put in one of Ginga's lines after the battle?