World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc. Off-Topic Forums Your Creations

Twin Bladers(story)

May. 27, 2011  11:44 AM
 
chapter 1
June 12th 2012, Aku (One of our main characters) Sprinted down stairs of this 2 story home and ran into the kitchen as fast as he could!
“Happy birthday Aku!” His mom said cheerfully as Aku sat at the kitchen table
“Get your sister up! Aku, it’s her birthday too!” (The main characters are twins)
“Fine Mom” Aku moaned
“ WAKE UP LEANA!” Aku yelled so gracefully
Leana walks down stairs elegantly still in her night clothes and walked in to the kitchen, right up to the kitchen table an slapped Aku as hard as she could.
“Ok I deserved that.”
Mom then put to small gifts In front of each them and said
“Ok you can open your gifts before school”
Aku ripped the wrapping paper to shreds while Leana …did the same .They opened the box under the wrapping paper to fined a brown cardboard box. When they opened them they found the both got new beyblades.( Leana- Ray Sagitario 85CS Aku- Basalt Reaper UW145SF)
“WOW mom thanks” they both said
“ But mom” Leana said
”yah”
“ It’s a Saturday”
Mom was then stunned and looked at the calendar
“ so it is”
May. 27, 2011  11:56 AM
 
Pretty good. It has potential. Few errors but everyone does them. People don't yell gracefully, especially when waking someone up. Too many brackets. You should never have to use brackets in a fictional story.
Keep going though
May. 27, 2011  11:58 AM
 
the story is good,but bad too. you see, its a bit choppy, and it has a few bad grammar.

otherwise,good effort
May. 27, 2011  8:12 PM
 
(May. 27, 2011  11:58 AM)quetzacoatl Wrote: the story is good,but bad too. you see, its a bit choppy, and it has a few bad grammar.

otherwise,good effort

Thanks, i'll try to fix it in the next chapter.
May. 27, 2011  8:31 PM
 
Try to make it flow better. The dialogue seems very unrealistic. How would he not know it was his own sister's birthday, it's been like that for all their life.

Tip #1: When you use words, use them properly. I don't know why, but I feel like you used the word gracefully to make it look good, but then when you read it, it makes no sense whatsoever.

Tip #2: When the same person is talking, there is no need to start a new line. So it could have been,
"Fine mom," Aku moaned. He walked over to where his sister was sleeping. "Wake up, Leana!" he yelled, shaking her so she could wake up.
You see what's in bold? Yeah, what you wrote made it seem like they were in the same room, or he teleported.

Tip #3: Stay in the same tense. You went from "she walks" (which is present tense) to "slapped as hard as she could" (which is past tense).

Tip #4: Learn the difference between to, too, and two. Two is a number, to is not.

Tip #5: You're incorrectly using the ellipsis (the "..."), it wasn't necessary in that sentence.

Tip #6: Don's use so many parentheses. Instead of putting this:
When they opened them they found the both got new beyblades.( Leana- Ray Sagitario 85CS Aku- Basalt Reaper UW145SF)
You could have put this:
When they opened their gifts, they found they had both gotten similar things; Beyblades. Leana could tell by the shape of the parts that she had gotten a Ray Sagitatio 85CS, and that Aku got a Basalt Reaper UW145SF.

I hope you use the advice I gave you to make your story much better.
May. 28, 2011  1:14 AM
 
(May. 27, 2011  8:31 PM)NoodooSoup Wrote: Try to make it flow better. The dialogue seems very unrealistic. How would he not know it was his own sister's birthday, it's been like that for all their life.

Tip #1: When you use words, use them properly. I don't know why, but I feel like you used the word gracefully to make it look good, but then when you read it, it makes no sense whatsoever.

Tip #2: When the same person is talking, there is no need to start a new line. So it could have been,
"Fine mom," Aku moaned. He walked over to where his sister was sleeping. "Wake up, Leana!" he yelled, shaking her so she could wake up.
You see what's in bold? Yeah, what you wrote made it seem like they were in the same room, or he teleported.

Tip #3: Stay in the same tense. You went from "she walks" (which is present tense) to "slapped as hard as she could" (which is past tense).

Tip #4: Learn the difference between to, too, and two. Two is a number, to is not.

Tip #5: You're incorrectly using the ellipsis (the "..."), it wasn't necessary in that sentence.

Tip #6: Don's use so many parentheses. Instead of putting this:
When they opened them they found the both got new beyblades.( Leana- Ray Sagitario 85CS Aku- Basalt Reaper UW145SF)
You could have put this:
When they opened their gifts, they found they had both gotten similar things; Beyblades. Leana could tell by the shape of the parts that she had gotten a Ray Sagitatio 85CS, and that Aku got a Basalt Reaper UW145SF.

I hope you use the advice I gave you to make your story much better.
Ok I get what your saying about the italics and the tense and what not
. I will re-do this tomorrow
May. 28, 2011  1:33 AM
 
Requests?
May. 28, 2011  2:14 AM
 
(May. 27, 2011  8:31 PM)NoodooSoup Wrote: Try to make it flow better. The dialogue seems very unrealistic. How would he not know it was his own sister's birthday, it's been like that for all their life.

Tip #1: When you use words, use them properly. I don't know why, but I feel like you used the word gracefully to make it look good, but then when you read it, it makes no sense whatsoever.

Tip #2: When the same person is talking, there is no need to start a new line. So it could have been,
"Fine mom," Aku moaned. He walked over to where his sister was sleeping. "Wake up, Leana!" he yelled, shaking her so she could wake up.
You see what's in bold? Yeah, what you wrote made it seem like they were in the same room, or he teleported.

Tip #3: Stay in the same tense. You went from "she walks" (which is present tense) to "slapped as hard as she could" (which is past tense).

Tip #4: Learn the difference between to, too, and two. Two is a number, to is not.

Tip #5: You're incorrectly using the ellipsis (the "..."), it wasn't necessary in that sentence.

Tip #6: Don's use so many parentheses. Instead of putting this:
When they opened them they found the both got new beyblades.( Leana- Ray Sagitario 85CS Aku- Basalt Reaper UW145SF)
You could have put this:
When they opened their gifts, they found they had both gotten similar things; Beyblades. Leana could tell by the shape of the parts that she had gotten a Ray Sagitatio 85CS, and that Aku got a Basalt Reaper UW145SF.

I hope you use the advice I gave you to make your story much better.

thta seems a bit harsh people ctitic stories so hard now instead of saying awesome and stuff
I would like be in breaker apparently im bad at doing stories (criticd)

CHARacTER REQUEST

Name: Billy Draco
Bey: Volcanic Fico CH230 MD/F
Volcanic: Similar to hell but smaller and RED and the protusion are upper contact points
Fico: spins either direction can switch in mid battle by further explanation
Change Height 230: from 145 to 230 230 is Stamina casually mode and 145 is atack mode
MetalDefense/Flat MD casually but when switched to attack mode goes to MF
Gimmicks: okay 230 MD stamina 145 MF attack spin direction of choice usually changing it between attack and stamina modes and FIco normal face bolt creates FLAMES that force the opponent to to you like a chain except he is trying to pull the chainn back connected to the opponent's Bey like trying to get your rope back conncetied to someones heart stopping their spin or spin stealing
Special: Moves Flame Firechain above the chain
ERUPTION STRIKE ups the opponent in the air and furiously uses stamina to blow fire up hitting the opponent
Burning BLAST Signiture move : inn stamina gains so much power mus release it goes to attack furiously attacling the other bey then shotting a Fire Bullet then attacking one more time sorry for long request oh the person

Billy Draco: part of tyhe draco beyvblade clan the wash out but still tough re djacket with fico on it and black and red flame pants is a casually beyblade loving friend protecting guy
May. 28, 2011  2:26 AM
 
Critiquing it is the only way he can improve. Why let him stay ignorant about good writing, instead of telling him how to improve? Heck, I wish people would give my stories a good critique, instead of compliments that won't help me improve.
May. 28, 2011  2:28 AM
 
ok but i just don't think that many of us are going for real made professional level most stories are just for fun and entertainment
May. 28, 2011  3:08 AM
 
Chapter 2
And there goes Billy date June 14 2012


Billy Draco, a good friend of the twins Was sprinting as fast as he could to make it to school. He was barley dodging cars, trees and dogs to make it to his 1st period class on time.If he was late for the 3rd time he would serve after school detention

"I must make it to class;Its the last day of school!" He thought out-loud.
" I new I should of asked mom for a ride."

Then with a sudden bolt of energy, Billy burst in to the school and to the classroom zooming past teachers and students then... The bell rang.
only steps from the door he opened it with his teacher glaring at him with eyes of hatred.
" I'll let you pass today Billy" the teacher said sarcastically
"Thank you!'Billy responded
Billy then walked to his seat near Aku.
" Your lucky" Aku whispered
" I know"

After a day of long school, Billy and the twins walked home together bragging about their beys. Aku and Leana haven't launched their beys yet.

They have no idea the power they hold

End of part 1of 2
May. 28, 2011  3:09 AM
 
sounds good can't wait for next chapter seems short though
May. 28, 2011  3:26 AM
 
(May. 28, 2011  3:09 AM)BillyBlast Wrote: sounds good can't wait for next chapter seems short though
This is only part of the 2nd chapter
May. 28, 2011  4:52 AM
 
(May. 28, 2011  3:26 AM)Breaker Wrote:
(May. 28, 2011  3:09 AM)BillyBlast Wrote: sounds good can't wait for next chapter seems short though
This is only part of the 2nd chapter

oh ok
go awesome bey called Volcanic Fico CH230 MD/F
May. 28, 2011  5:04 AM
 
Much better than before. Keep up Smile
May. 28, 2011  12:48 PM
 
(May. 28, 2011  5:04 AM)NoodooSoup Wrote: Much better than before. Keep up Smile

Really thanks! I really appreciate the help you gave me.
(May. 28, 2011  4:52 AM)BillyBlast Wrote:
(May. 28, 2011  3:26 AM)Breaker Wrote:
(May. 28, 2011  3:09 AM)BillyBlast Wrote: sounds good can't wait for next chapter seems short though
This is only part of the 2nd chapter

oh ok
go awesome bey called Volcanic Fico CH230 MD/F
I think your chars bey will get updated to that in the next chapter or so.
So it starts as Burn Fico C140 HF/S. Then that model will get destroyed and upgraded to Volcanic Fico.

Hoe dose that sound
(May. 28, 2011  1:33 AM)M.Cancer90R2F Wrote: Requests?

I'm just going to amuse you know what to do...but I'm going to limit them
May. 29, 2011  12:23 AM
 
Character request ?

Name:Justin Clark
Bey: (can we make up our own im not sure what the parts are gonna be but erm yeah) Ice Naixoos (my made up part names that i will also expalin) 100EA RS (100Eternal Attack cuz u never see that right xD and then its Round Spike. The spin track 100EA is kinda like ED except the 3 things are pointed spikes ( un harmful of course unless ur a beyblade)and RS has a whole bunch of spikes on the sides but and kinda spike in the shape of a ball in the middle .
Ice:Is some what like storm except the normal storm stuff is switched with ice crystals and there's a very small gap between them.
Naixoos:Naixoos bit beast looks somewhat like Hermes from shin megami tensei http://megamitensei.wikia.com/wiki/Hermes. It has the power to change from attack to defense (like gemios) which also allows its EA to turn into ED through a change of being hit to much (about 20 times so its rare)
Special Move: Ice Mirror (kinda like haku) it creates thousands of illusions mirrors made of ice but the bey blade is not where to be found . Naixoos then strikes from above surrounded in a ice type of thing (hm how can i put this. its like its metal wheel actually turns into Strong ice) dealing a powerful blow to the opponent (um can Justin learn how to do this maybe 3 chapters
Jun. 02, 2011  12:52 AM
 
so whens the next part/chapter/episode
Jun. 02, 2011  1:39 AM
 
Next chapter delayed due to end of school sorry.
Jun. 02, 2011  1:47 AM
 
(May. 27, 2011  11:44 AM)Breaker Wrote: “Get your sister up! Aku, it’s her birthday too!” (The main characters are twins)

No. Never, EVER, in a story do you write personal notes. You always express settings through dialogue IN THE CONTEXT. In a most dire case, and you are writing from 1st person, please have that be a thought of the character.

I beg you to fix that before I make any other suggestions.
Jun. 02, 2011  1:47 AM
 
okay for my bey though till it evolves can it be Burn Fico CH120 MF
Jun. 02, 2011  2:23 AM
 
(Jun. 02, 2011  1:47 AM)Sparta Wrote:
(May. 27, 2011  11:44 AM)Breaker Wrote: “Get your sister up! Aku, it’s her birthday too!” (The main characters are twins)

No. Never, EVER, in a story do you write personal notes. You always express settings through dialogue IN THE CONTEXT. In a most dire case, and you are writing from 1st person, please have that be a thought of the character.

I beg you to fix that before I make any other suggestions.

Did you read what anyone else said because this has been said MULTIPLE TIMES.


NoodooSoup wrote ...
Try to make it flow better. The dialogue seems very unrealistic. How would he not know it was his own sister's birthday, it's been like that for all their life.

Tip #1: When you use words, use them properly. I don't know why, but I feel like you used the word gracefully to make it look good, but then when you read it, it makes no sense whatsoever.

Tip #2: When the same person is talking, there is no need to start a new line. So it could have been,
"Fine mom," Aku moaned. He walked over to where his sister was sleeping. "Wake up, Leana!" he yelled, shaking her so she could wake up.
You see what's in bold? Yeah, what you wrote made it seem like they were in the same room, or he teleported.

Tip #3: Stay in the same tense. You went from "she walks" (which is present tense) to "slapped as hard as she could" (which is past tense).

Tip #4: Learn the difference between to, too, and two. Two is a number, to is not.

Tip #5: You're incorrectly using the ellipsis (the "..."), it wasn't necessary in that sentence.

Tip #6: Don's use so many parentheses. Instead of putting this:
When they opened them they found the both got new beyblades.( Leana- Ray Sagitario 85CS Aku- Basalt Reaper UW145SF)
You could have put this:
When they opened their gifts, they found they had both gotten similar things; Beyblades. Leana could tell by the shape of the parts that she had gotten a Ray Sagitatio 85CS, and that Aku got a Basalt Reaper UW145SF.

I hope you use the advice I gave you to make your story much better.
Jun. 02, 2011  2:46 AM
 
Name: Andrew Noragami
Alignment:Good
Bey:Mad Rhino H145WD(Balance,Right Spin)
Attitude:Cheerful and Exciting
Special Move:Ramaping Wild Smash:The Bey charges at the other bey until a KO
Special Move:Wild Jungle Armor:The bey becomes an immoveable tank or wall
P.S Clear wheel is made of metal
Jun. 02, 2011  3:09 AM
 
Breaker He's just trying to prove how necessary it is to make that correction, as many people stated it.
Jun. 02, 2011  4:36 AM
 
(Jun. 02, 2011  3:09 AM)NoodooSoup Wrote: Breaker He's just trying to prove how necessary it is to make that correction, as many people stated it.

Exactly. I don't mean to harsh your mellow, persay, I only wanted to stress that point. If you ever write a story for school, your teachers wouldn't be happy to see that sort of thing.

Man, why can't I get decent feedback for a change?
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