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Thinking, Feeling, Hoping - A poem by Bunnii2165 -

Aug. 16, 2011  6:50 AM
 
I was given 5 minutes to write a poem on the theme:

"Thinking, Feeling, Hoping"

This was the best i could come up with at such short notice...

What do you think?

THINKING, FEELING AND HOPING
Every day in different ways
We’re not the same
We must change
For every day in different ways we’re
Thinking, Feeling and Hoping

Thinking is the act of recollecting events
Memories, stories, people, parents
You’re always thinking whether you like it or not
Unless, of course, it’s something you forgot

Then you are feeling empty and upset
You’ve forgotten something and now you will fret
Panic you will for its not like back then
Like when a paper’s crumpled up it can’t be perfect again

So hope you will in search for an answer
But the frustration so tough and mean like a panther
The last thing you can do is hope and rest
And think it will all turn out to be best

To think about hope and pray it will work
And feel better about life again because
When you’re knocked down there’s only one way left
To get back up and do not fret

Aug. 16, 2011  6:57 AM
 
Wow, this is a great poem.
How do you did that?
Aug. 16, 2011  6:58 AM
 
i dunno... i looked back at it and thought it was pretty average but you think its great!?! Well thanks!
Aug. 16, 2011  12:52 PM
 
it is great for five minutes. i cant even write that much in such a short time.

anyway. i think this poem should be more emotional and deep. the second paragraph is emotionless to me. its just not as hard hitting as you could make it. 3rd paragraph is great. the simile was good until the end and I started to have to read back through the whole paragraph. the 4th was good. the 5th wasnt as emotional as it had to be. a title like this must be followed by a poem that will really make you cry or smile. it isnt as touching as it should be. needs improvment.
Aug. 17, 2011  6:41 AM
 
thanks i'll work on that...
Aug. 23, 2011  6:58 AM
 
I'd write some more but i think i'll leave it to Roan :p
Aug. 23, 2011  7:50 AM
 
Great poem, but some feed back:
Coherence: To help a poem flow fluently and to actually work, you got to focus on the amount of syllables. So if your trying to get a meaning across, try to use a similar syllable length. For example

(Aug. 16, 2011  6:50 AM)Bunnii2165 Wrote: THINKING, FEELING AND HOPING
Thinking is the act of recollecting events
Memories, stories, people, parents
You’re always thinking whether you like it or not
Unless, of course, it’s something you forgot

The bolded text had four symbols. It was kind of like tripping over a rock, it was a bit to slow. A good replacement could have been recalling.

But other than that, (after skimming through the poem), it was actually really good for 5 mins Smile
Aug. 24, 2011  7:22 AM
 
thanks i'll work on that