The rise of Fire

Poll: Is it all right?

Great!
0%
0
Good, needs work.
100.00%
3
Total: 100% 3 vote(s)
Chapter One :
In progress
How to charecter request:
Name: (Must end in , Claw,Star,Pelt,Tail,leaf,Nose,.)
Age: (Firestar is 15.)
Discription:
Cat: (Must end in Claw,Star,Tail,Pelt.)
Bey:
There's a lot of mistakes like a lot, and I don't get the names, and there was a weird ending on chapter 2. Also I totally don't get the story at all, not trying to be rude or anything, but I just can't connect with the story.
He's writing a weird crossover between the Warriors and Beyblade series. Firestar is the name of the protagonist of the first Warriors series, and a recurring but important character afterward. Darkstripe is the name of an antagonist. (Protip: It's about cats)

It's a rather odd mix though, and it's not exactly well written either...
Oh, I've seen that before, at books-a-million, thanks Ga'Hooloene, so it's about cats playing Beyblade?
Ok let me explain.
(Jul. 17, 2013  12:38 PM)Blue Lynx Wrote: Firestar was staring into the sky.

“Firestar, Oh Firestar.” Firestar stood up. He slowly spun around, his red hair flowing behind him.

“What do you want?” Darkstripe was more than he expected. Well actually, less. Darkstripe was 10.
He just snapped his fingers. Brambleclaw, Firstar’s cat, ran along.
“Where’s Tigerstar?” Firestar nodded to Brambleclaw as if to say a battle command.
“He’s coming!” Darkstripe shouted aggressively. “Tigerstar come on!”
A huge, brown, scarred tabby walked into the clearing. First it looked puzzled. But then it curled its lip into a snarl.
"Go on lad!" Firestar shouted at him. Just then a stray cat jumped down from a tree.
"Mrooow!" It screamed.
"Brambleclaw, whats he saying?"
The cat curled up its lip and snapped at Brambleclaw.
1:There not all cats
2:Firestar and Darkstripe are humans.
3:Tigerstar and Brambleclaw are cats.
4: That wasn't Chapter two. Its in progress.

But thanks. For not being mean.
This isn't actually half bad IMO, but I'd suggest splitting up the sentences and dialogue a little bit. It's neater, easier to read, and makes your story appear longer. I'm not saying 5 spaces in between each paragraph, but a space or two to organize it.

I personally like it. Keep it up!
(Jul. 20, 2013  5:51 PM)DefStamina88 Wrote: This isn't actually half bad IMO, but I'd suggest splitting up the sentences and dialogue a little bit. It's neater, easier to read, and makes your story appear longer. I'm not saying 5 spaces in between each paragraph, but a space or two to organize it.

I personally like it. Keep it up!
Thanks a lot! Really effects my story better.


Does anyone want me to post the script I was asked to right. People are actually going to perform it in front of people. Just so people know I'm not very experienced and I'm 10.
(Jul. 21, 2013  1:23 PM)Blue Lynx Wrote:
(Jul. 20, 2013  5:51 PM)DefStamina88 Wrote: This isn't actually half bad IMO, but I'd suggest splitting up the sentences and dialogue a little bit. It's neater, easier to read, and makes your story appear longer. I'm not saying 5 spaces in between each paragraph, but a space or two to organize it.

I personally like it. Keep it up!
Thanks a lot! Really effects my story better.


Does anyone want me to post the script I was asked to right. People are actually going to perform it in front of people. Just so people know I'm not very experienced and I'm 10.

So its a BeyBlade play?

I'd be interested in seeing the script.

The concept is really interesting so far, btw
Well the first play isn't about beyblade but the other one Im writing for my friends is.
But would anyone like to see the non-beyblade one?