World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc. Off-Topic Forums Your Creations

The faint memory. My last story.

Poll: Is it good?

Yes
66.67%
2
Kinda
33.33%
1
Total: 100% 3 vote(s)
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May. 20, 2011  11:28 AM
 
Chapter 1
I am running through the catacombs, zombies quickly following trying to destroy me.
‘’Lucas’’ a voice cried from behind a wall.
‘’Help me!!’’ I said, ‘’Zombies are everywhere.
A big game over appeared on the screen.
‘’Far out mum!’’ I cried’’ I nearly had a high score.’’
‘’I’ve got a present for you if you come down here.’’
‘’Is it a video game? I asked.
‘’Why don’t you come and see?’’ she said.
‘’Ok then’’ I said as I trudged down the stairs. My mum stood there holding something in here hands.
‘’It’s not a video game!’’ I said walking up to my room.
‘’ No but it’s something better’’
‘Maybe it’s a video game controller’ I thought to myself.
‘’Now ‘’ she said,’’ no more video games for the rest of the month’’
‘’Come on!’’
‘’No I’m serious you need to learn not to play with videogames so often.’’
‘’Then what will I do?’’
‘’Play with this’’
‘’What is it?’’
‘’ A beyblade’’
I slowly took it out of here hand and felt it, it felt warm. Then as I walked up the stairs to my room I thought that I’ve seen this before?
‘’Nah’’ I said, ‘’ I’m just imagining things’’
If only I was.
This is my last story.
May. 20, 2011  12:06 PM
 
i have just 2 questions, WHY LAST AND ARE U ACCEPTING CHARACTERS
May. 20, 2011  12:09 PM
 
Quote:I slowly took it out of here hand and felt it, it felt warm. Then as I walked up the stairs to my room I that thought I’ve seen this before?

fix that part
May. 20, 2011  12:33 PM
 
it's good and why it's ur last
May. 20, 2011  4:58 PM
 
i think he means last at one time. he has another story going on somewhere else
May. 20, 2011  11:12 PM
 
Yeah my next chapter will be up today.
I'm also accepting character requests.
May. 21, 2011  3:18 PM
 
hmm,interesting,let me give it a shoot


name: Axel
bey: tornado pegasis TH170WD(stamina type bey)
side: good
personality: he is a good friend with lucas,and always plays video game with him.he has more experience with beyblade than lucas,and sometimes gives him tips about it.
special move: hurricane gust(bey creates powerful hurricane,which causes the other bey to fly)
destiny crystal(his bey glows red,creating a very sharp crystals which damages the
opponent bey)

hope its good
May. 22, 2011  4:23 AM
 
Your stories tend to be pretty choppy. Try to use a lot more detail in your writing, yet not to much. It's about finding that perfect medium of description, dialogue, action, suspense, romance, etc., etc.

Don't get me wrong, the idea has potential, just try not to be so choppy.
May. 23, 2011  12:08 PM
 
You started another story after this. I guess you will never stop making stories. Try to do one at a time. Stick to a story for once.