The War of Three Worlds: The Six Entities

Poll: How is this Book?

Interesting, want to know more.
57.89%
11
Not really my style
10.53%
2
It's good
15.79%
3
It's ok-ish
5.26%
1
I don't even know what to say
10.53%
2
Total: 100% 19 vote(s)
Okay, so I was writing a book for a year, and now I think I can share it here.

Summary: Long Ago, they were Two Orders which sustained Order in The Universes. One, The Order of Light, the Other, The Dark Order. Both orders warred much, never able to sustain true peace. In one Last Battle, the Two Orders clashed, and both the Orders collapsed. None but one escaped, who was Quan Roth, the leader of the Dark Order. But, the Order of the Light, in their last moment, collected their mana and formed a mighty spell which created the Six Entities. Each Entity has power over an element, except for Six.

Prolouge:


The creation of the Six Entities was a beautiful scene, although full of dangers, for the first time in a long time there was hope.
The first to be created was One, the earth itself bending rippling like water to make a sculpture of a man so pristine, the sculpture came to life. One’s first word was Earth, and his power was based on Earth too. To commemorate his birth a mountain was born where he stood and thus One was ready.

Next came Two, water slithering from the ground like a snake combining into streams than rivers, and finally the fluid condensed into a man. Who said Water. The gift his birth gave to the world was the cycle that let water flow, the water cycle. His qi was fluid like water, and he could communicate with it.

Third came Three, the heat was so strong everyone had to look away to live. The heat merged with even more heat, making everyone take a step back to survive the scorching fire which ended up as the most beautiful woman in all of existence, Who said Fire.

Fourth came Four, the air twisting, churning so fast a tornado came into being. This tornado was the largest one for millions of years. The storm grew and grew and grew and suddenly, it shrunk, becoming faster as it grew smaller and in a flourish, came another woman. She was a lot kinder and had a much better temper than the other Entities. And she said Air. She helped the whole world breathe with a sigh of relief.

Fifth came five, no words can describe how he came to be, lightning, light, all the elements coming together sharing qi to make him the leader of them all. His first words were “Let there be light”. He gave them hope, for life and death, for growth and change, for something new.
Then for last, came the strongest one of all. Pulling everyone’s souls, mind, and body. Coming together perfectly, but having no inherited magic abilities, unlike the other Entities. The qi came together creating a Mind of powerful Talent. Then, a small spark of life emerged. This Entity was the blessed one. He had no limits, but he had to work hard in order to reach the peak.
Each of these Entities had a type of energy that allowed them to use that Qi for the same type of magic with much less Qi. Their real strength was the unique energy that made them much stronger than other Cultivators. At least, that was the case for all of them but Six.
When you give one hope and take it away, problems shall be made. Everyone mocked him and shunned him. The hate blew away Six’s first word from the minds and ears of all. The best one had failed. Six had failed. His gift was not worthy of the power he was supposed to have. He gave them nothing, not powerful enough to even light a candle without a match.
Very good! You caught my eye!
JCE_13, how come you read this whole thing in less than 2 minutes?

(Apr. 21, 2021  3:32 PM)JCE_13 Wrote: Very good! You caught my eye!

Um I re read it and caught a few mistakes.
4 Minutes. I'm a fast reader.
Chapter 1: Six’s Rage
All that the Six Entities knew about their predecessors were that they had created them. They believed it was beyond their imagination and abilities. The Order of the Light somehow granted the Six Entities the power of the Elements.
The Entities created an idea of eternal hope. Those ideas eventually became an era of enlightenment and peace. But, sadly the time could not last. In the flawless Golden Era, a small crack appeared. The Sixth Entity, the Ant, was all but forgotten. Mocked to the point he had no reputation. The anger in Entity Six started to grow. One day, the humiliation was too much, he left his fellow Entities.
Thing Six’s anger twisted his mind down to strange paths, taking him to discover secrets that were so dark, that even the most courageous beings feared them. His anger was not the actual reason: The Entities thought of him as one leaf in a mountain of trees. No one had treated him with respect; for that reason, he had sought any living being that could grant him power.
Even in the best of times, there is always something that would spread darkness. Entity Six, while searching for power, found that something. It looked like a person with a black cloak but its power was so great, it repelled all good.
The dangers were obvious but Six craved for power. He went to meet It.
“I can give you all that you desire. For it all that you need to give me is your willingness to enter my apprenticeship”, said the mysterious dark figure. Its voice itself was so powerful that it started to ebb on Six’s life force. The voice in a way was so entrancing, that it went through the deepest part of his being and forced Entity Six to do his bidding.
Then without a warning, the dark figure said, “Let me show you something.”
He pulsed through Qi making a strange and dark spirit that lingered just long enough to make out the figure of a Dragon. It was not just like a Dragon, it was the spirit of a Dragon. The power that the mysterious person held was more than Six could imagine.
This was when Entity Six realized that this person was more powerful than maybe even Five. He remembered researching dangerous Martial Experts, the strongest of these legendary experts could manipulate magic itself, and bind the living, and dead to them. These immensely powerful beings usually bound Dragons to themselves to get the magic as Dragons had the strongest magic. That's when Entity Six knew without a doubt that if he entered the apprenticeship then he would become incredibly powerful.
Then, Entity Six said, “Yes, I will become your disciple. I want to become powerful- I want the world to burn for mocking me. I will wage war overall Realms until I become the Lord of Them All.”
Quan Roth grinned, as he knew that this is exactly what he wanted. He wanted his disciple to have great talent and first of all, ambition and determination. He would achieve what he wanted. It would take centuries, but he would succeed.

Posting the Cultivation System and a bunch of other stuff.
I love this fanfic (Btw you're getting added to my next episode in my fanfic)
I'll post some important things tommorow
Look two posts below for this cultivation stuff
Honestly, this could be an RPG. Loving it.
So two posts above the book stuff I posted was kinda un readable, so I'll repost it.

Cultivation System and Levels:

The Extremities

The Three Worlds, Languages, Martial Arts Info etc.




DeltaZakuro, Dragon Blader Z, i'm batman, JCE_13, kai edits, pika2442, Pixi, TheGolden Blade

Please share thoughts, questions, suggestions that you guys have.
Just a quick question what is this about?
(Apr. 24, 2021  6:13 PM)Dragon Blader Z Wrote: Just a quick question what is this about?

Bruh if you didn't know, why did you click a option on the poll?
Now I remember sorry for saying that
(Apr. 24, 2021  7:43 PM)Dragon Blader Z Wrote: Now I remember sorry for saying that

lol it's ok. I don't think you remember.
seems really cool!
ill definitely read this one!
Chapter 2: Arda






Chapter 3: Six’s Training





Chapter Two and Three! Please share ratings.
Just a tip, maybe insert blank lines whenever you change the paragraph? It would make the text less cluttered and easier to read. That was for the 2nd chapter as you have inserted breaks between paragraphs in chapter 3 (tho I prefer blank lines, but stars work too I guess).

Chapter 2: I like this chapter being descriptive. The races are well described and I like the creation of the world. 8/10
Chapter 3: Nice chapter overall, but I don't think Quan Roth (that was the name of the master right?) would say phrases like 'pretty self-explanatory' or 'insanely powerful' as they sound too informal and I think for this character formal language would be appropriate. 7.5/10
EDIT: Just noticed you have the fan-fic tag. Might wanna remove it as this is not a fan-fiction of any franchise (I think) but rather your own book.
(Apr. 25, 2021  5:25 PM)i'm batman Wrote: Just a tip, maybe insert blank lines whenever you change the paragraph? It would make the text less cluttered and easier to read. That was for the 2nd chapter as you have inserted breaks between paragraphs in chapter 3 (tho I prefer blank lines, but stars work too I guess).

Chapter 2: I like this chapter being descriptive. The races are well described and I like the creation of the world. 8/10
Chapter 3: Nice chapter overall, but I don't think Quan Roth (that was the name of the master right?) would say phrases like 'pretty self-explanatory' or 'insanely powerful' as they sound too informal and I think for this character formal language would be appropriate. 7.5/10
EDIT: Just noticed you have the fan-fic tag. Might wanna remove it as this is not a fan-fiction of any franchise (I think) but rather your own book.

Yeah but I indent every paragraph.

Chapter 2: Why 8/10? Any reasons why?
Chapter 3: Quan Roth is a immortal. The former Leader of the former Dark Order. He's definetely the most powerful cultivator and character in the series yet. Maybe formal language, but this guy has been alive since the very creation of the Three Worlds. I want to know why you gave it a 7.5. Needs to be more clear why.

EDIT: (I'll remove the fan fic tag)
Woah! This story caught my eye! I have only read the 1st chapter but It has caught my interest greatly. Nice! These kinds of stories are definitely my thing so no doubt www.


Just my two cents though: You could probably add spaces between paragraphs and separate conversations from one another or big chunks of words. Doing so might make it easier to read your story X)

Overall, great work! Loving this so far.
(Apr. 26, 2021  10:25 AM)tenma Wrote: Woah! This story caught my eye! I have only read the 1st chapter but It has caught my interest greatly. Nice! These kinds of stories are definitely my thing so no doubt www.


Just my two cents though: You could probably add spaces between paragraphs and separate conversations from one another or big chunks of words. Doing so might make it easier to read your story X)

Overall, great work! Loving this so far.

Thank You! I will do that. i'm batman said the same thing. Thanks for your thoughts!
(Apr. 25, 2021  9:18 PM)Ryuga\s Son Wrote:
(Apr. 25, 2021  5:25 PM)i\m batman Wrote: Just a tip, maybe insert blank lines whenever you change the paragraph? It would make the text less cluttered and easier to read. That was for the 2nd chapter as you have inserted breaks between paragraphs in chapter 3 (tho I prefer blank lines, but stars work too I guess).

Chapter 2: I like this chapter being descriptive. The races are well described and I like the creation of the world. 8/10
Chapter 3: Nice chapter overall, but I don't think Quan Roth (that was the name of the master right?) would say phrases like 'pretty self-explanatory' or 'insanely powerful' as they sound too informal and I think for this character formal language would be appropriate. 7.5/10
EDIT: Just noticed you have the fan-fic tag. Might wanna remove it as this is not a fan-fiction of any franchise (I think) but rather your own book.

Yeah but I indent every paragraph.

Chapter 2: Why 8/10? Any reasons why?
Chapter 3: Quan Roth is a immortal. The former Leader of the former Dark Order. He's definetely the most powerful cultivator and character in the series yet. Maybe formal language, but this guy has been alive since the very creation of the Three Worlds. I want to know why you gave it a 7.5. Needs to be more clear why.

EDIT: (I'll remove the fan fic tag)

Eh, tbh I'm not good at putting my opinions into numbers, so those 8/10 and 7.5/10 mean I really liked the chapters, second one slightly more than the third, but they're not perfect, examples being what I mentioned. And I typed that in a hurry, and now feel I was a bit too stingy with the rating. New ratings:

Chapter 2: 9.5/10
Chapter 3: 9/10
BTW, I have Necromancy in this book.
Now this is getting really intresting????


( )
i'm batman
PinkRose
WorldKai
Pixi

Please share reviews and ratings.

Chapter 4: Demon Scrolls

Wind howled through the night, carrying a scent that would change the Three Worlds. Nazaar lifted his head and sniffed the air. He looked human except for his crimson hair and maroon eyes.

He blinked in surprise. The message had been correct; they were here. Or was it a masterful trap? He weighed the odds, but he soon realized that he would just have to take the chance. Nazaar icily said, "Spread out; hide. Capture whoever is coming . . . or your soul will return to the Prisons of Shadowrealm!"

Around him shuffled fifteen Forsaken Warriors with short swords and round infernal shields painted with black runes. Shadowrealm, the realm where Necromancers, Mischievous Beasts, and Dark Creatures sealed away, older than Time itself. The Forsaken resembled spirits who had committed horrible crimes in their lives. They were in human shells with bowed legs and thick, brutish arms made for crushing. The monsters hurried into the brush, grunting as they hid. Soon the rustling quieted and the forest was silent again.

Nazaar had escaped Shadowrealm, after millennials of imprisonment. His necromancy was back into play. Nazaar smiled, a demonic smile. He was not a Cultivator, but a Necromancer. Stopping his thoughts, Nazaar peered out in the darkness, catching every detail. He could see in darkness better than in light, because his enhanced senses. He saw three Mages, who were the very opposite of Necromancers. Nazaar smiled again. Just what he was waiting for. Mages were mortal enemies of Necromancers, determined to wipe them out. Mages of the Order of Light. Nazaar Morningstar, the child of Lucifer. The Morning Star. Nazaar glanced at his sword, imprinted with black stars. The sword’s name was Dōnburingā which translated to Dawn-Bringer.

The Urgals could not see as well as the Shade; they groped like blind beggars, fumbling with their weapons. An owl screeched, cutting through the silence. No one relaxed until the bird flew past. Then the monsters shivered in the cold night; one snapped a twig with his heavy boot. Nazaar hissed in anger, and the Forsaken straightened themselves. Another gust of wind rushed through the forest. The smell was stronger this time. Excited, he lifted a thin lip in a snarl.

“Get ready”, commanded Nazaar. This moment had taken too much planning. He would not fail.
The Forsaken lifted their swords and knives. Nazaar used a silent spell to momentarily grant them extraordinary sight.
Three white horses with riders cantered toward the ambush, their heads held high and proud, their coats rippling in the moonlight like liquid silver.
On the first horse, there was a Mage, with his head held high. His body was covered with holy runes. The Mage had pointy ears, lean shoulders, and blue hair.
The last rider had angled features and dark red hair. He carried a long spear in his right hand and a white dagger at his belt. A helm of extraordinary craftsmanship, wrought with amber and gold, rested on his head.
Between these two rode a blue elven lady, who surveyed her surroundings with poise. Framed by long black locks, her deep eyes shone with a driving force. Her clothes were unadorned, yet her beauty was undiminished. At her side was a sword, and on her back were two shafts, which through she performed her Holy Magic. She carried in her hand a scroll which she frequently looked at, as if to reassure herself it was with her.
Nazaar was already savoring his victory when the wind changed direction and swept toward the mages. The horses snorted with alarm and tossed their heads. The riders stiffened, eyes flashing from side to side, then wheeled their mounts around and galloped away. Forsaking their hiding, the Forsaken stood and released a stream of knives and arrows at the Mages. Some of the thrown weapons missed, but one struck the lady’s horse, killing it. The lady jumped into the air with inhuman speed, landing on the ground gracefully, like an angel. The lady glanced at her partners, but it was too late. The deadly arrows quickly brought down the other Two Mages, instantly killing them. Blood pooled into the ground.

“After her! She is the one who I want!”, yelled Nazaar.

A screech tore from the Mage’s throat, looking at her slain companions.

“Nazaar? You blasted carp!”, screamed the Lady.

Nazaar chuckled and said, “Give me the scroll and I will spare you.”

“I will make you pay thousand-fold for what you did. You will never have the scroll!”

The Mage cursed Nazaar and ran toward the forest. The Forsaken followed her. Nazaar climbed a piece of granite that jutted above them. From his perch he could see all of the surrounding forest. He raised his hand and swirls of darkness flew toward the entirety of the forest, devouring all life in it. The swirls of darkness streamed toward her. She fled toward the craggy piece of granite at a tremendous speed. The Shade examined the ground twenty feet below, then jumped and landed nimbly in front of her. She skidded around and sped back to the trail. Black blood dripped from her sword, staining the pouch in her hand. Unmistakably, the blood was the blood of his servants.

The remaining Forsaken warriors surrounded her, trapping her. Nazaar chuckled, enjoying her helplessness. Satisfaction thrummed in his mind. She drew herself with regal disdain as she tried to find a way out. The swirls of darkness circled her, drawing out all her Qi and Cultivation powers. Unlike Necromancers, Mages could absorb Qi and cultivate. She dropped the scroll on the ground, and she desperately absorbed Earth Qi. The Earth opened, and devoured the scroll.

Howling in rage, Nazaar threw his hands toward the Mage, sending her flying. Her body fell on the ground, rendering her unconscious. Prophecies of revenge, spoken in a wretched language only he knew, rolled from his tongue. He clenched his thin hands and glared at the sky. The cold stars stared back, unwinking, otherworldly watchers. Disgust curled his lip before he turned back to the unconscious mage.

“The Temporal Demon Scroll! One of the 10 Demon scrolls! Gone!”, growled Nazaar. He shot a bolt of darkness from his hand, which disintegrated the Forsaken Warriors.

Suddenly the world dissolved, closing itself. Six opened his dark eyes, peering into the present world. He started pondering. Who was Nazaar? Mages? Necromancers? Demon Scrolls?
Okay, here's the review:
Plot: 5/5. The plot advances quite a bit and seems very interesting.
Dialogue: 4.5/5. There's not much dialogue, but that's understandable as this is a more action oriented chapter.
Characterization: 5/5. They are new characters, so I don't really know them well enough to say what's in-character or out-of-character for them. The characterization within the chapter seems consistent though.
Grammar: 4.5/5. I noticed just one or two wrong choice of words but nothing too serious.
Action: 5/5. The action part is well-described and I liked it.
Overall: 24/25. Great chapter. Keep it up.
I used PinkRose's rating system except for the last one I replaced Battles with Action as this is not a Beyblade fic.