The Legend of Odin (Accepting Requests)

Poll: Is my story good?

AWESOME!
33.33%
3
Good
44.44%
4
Meh
22.22%
2
Simply Awful
0%
0
Total: 100% 9 vote(s)
Here is my 2nd attempt at a story.
Odin's Legend/Chapter 1 (Click to View)
The Pixie/ Chapter 2 (Click to View)
The Birth of the Legendaries and The Griff/Chapter 3 (Click to View)
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Tell me what you think!
Here's the format for requests:
Name:
Looks:
Personality:
Bey:
Special Move(s):
New chapters will be in the OP!
POST AWAY!
You're off to a wonderful start! I can't wait to see how this story goes! Here's my character request:

Name: Ayumu Katikani

Looks: Short red hair, blue eyes, tan skin, freckles, wears a long blue dress, white flats, and a white headband with a big bow on it...

Personality: She is extremely shy yet very kind. She fears spiders and losing to boys.

Bey: Twisted Pixie 145WD

Special Moves: Sleepy Dust, Enchanted Twist
Hm, pretty good start... Here's my character request:

Name: Jennings Tate

Looks: Darker-skinned, Brown pants, dark green shirt, brown jacket, brown converse shoes, and a dark green wristband...

Personality: Just your average blader. Starts off easy in battle, then builds up strength... Does tend to talk a bit, though...

Bey: Spiral Zurafa CH120WF

Special Moves: Spin-track Change, Spiral Blitz, Omega Twister
Thanks 4 feedback and requests guys.
Pretty good so far! The begining where he gets ready and meets his friend kinda reminds me of my story. Anyways, I'd like to make a request:

Name: Arthur Kirkland

Appearance: He has blonde, spikey hair and brown eyes. He has a scar under his right eye. He wears a black over coat with red cuffs, a black tie, and a red under shirt. He wears red, baggy pants tucked into brown boots. He also carries around an axe on his shoulder.

Personality: He is 15 years old, Brittish, a popular person, nice, and is considered the hero. In social enviroments, he loves joking around and being the nice person. In battle he gets serious and watches the opponents bey closely. He can read the movements of beys and memorize them, for he has a photographic memory.

Bey: Archer Griff C145S

Special Moves: Soaring Slicer, Hawk Eye Smash
Hm...
The story's plot-line and even fluency is unclear. As in, I didn't really-and still don't-know what's happening. Yes, you can be going for that effect but you have to make it so you don't know what's going to happen next, not just unclear and confusing writing.

Also, you do have some descriptions, but you could easily elaborate. We want to be in this characters head: what he's thinking, feeling; try to make us understand everything about him. If he's not supposed to be understood, make that clear and elaborate on it.
(Jun. 19, 2012  9:10 PM)Sparta Wrote: Hm...
The story's plot-line and even fluency is unclear. As in, I didn't really-and still don't-know what's happening. Yes, you can be going for that effect but you have to make it so you don't know what's going to happen next, not just unclear and confusing writing.

Also, you do have some descriptions, but you could easily elaborate. We want to be in this characters head: what he's thinking, feeling; try to make us understand everything about him. If he's not supposed to be understood, make that clear and elaborate on it.

Thanks Sparta, but at first, the story has no plot, but after all the battling, the plot appears. Thanks for the other criticism.
Chapter 2 up soon!
Heres chapter 2!
Name: Allen Night
LooksConfusedpiky black hair, light black skin tone,violet eyes dark blue pants,black and white sneakers,orange shirt and a blue mostly white leather jacket.
Personality:Ruthless and confident while blading until he get serious and calm and sometimes anti social when not blading and kind hearted.
beyblade: justice susanow GS145 CEF
special moveConfusedusanow punisher

Chapter 3 will be up soon!
Nice start. This will be a great story.
Wink
~X-Saber
Chapter 3
Chapter 3 
The Birth of the Legendaries and The Griff 
I saw the program for the Legend Battles and I was interested. Bladers from all over the world would fight to be the best. But it all started with the qualifiers. Yoshi, Night, and I made a team called The Legendaries. Even though it wasn't a team tournament each victory would be dedicated to the team. We ran to the qualifier that Ayuma told us about. " I'm really pumped!" exclaimed Yoshi. We registered so fast that the register said; " Young bladers these days, so excited." The first match was Yoshi versus Arthur Kirkland. I didn't see Arthur around, so I would have to wait until the battle. Yoshi walked up to the podium. A 15 year old with blonde spikey hair, brown eyes, a scar under his right eye, a black over-coat with red cuffs, a black tie, a red under-shirt, red baggy pants tucked in brown boots, and a axe on his shoulder. "I wish to have a great battle, but try hard." said Arthur. "3,2,1 GO SHOOT!" they yelled. Arthur's bey was Archer Griff C145S. "C'mon Griff!" said Arthur in a serious tone. Griff smashed into Medusa, sending her flying. "Recover Medusa!" yelled Yoshi. I could tell Yoshi was getting angry. Medusa crashed into Griff, who went twisted back. "Special Move! Medusa! Poison Snake Strike!" shouted Yoshi now surrounded in a purple aura. Medusa smashed into Griff followed by a trail of a poison-like substance. Griff flew in the air. "Special Move! Hawk Eye Smash!" yelled Arthur. Griff smashed down on Medusa, sending her right next to Yoshi. "Great battle bro." exclaimed Arthur as he walked away. I knew Arthur could not be underestimated...
Wonderful Chapter 2 and 3a! I love the way you portrayed my character, and the battle was intense! Sorcerer Medusa? That is one carpin' awesome name for a bey!
Great chapter! Although, there are a few typos. Other than that, the story's going great and I love how my character is doing so far, lol.
Chapter 4
Epic! Here's a character request:

Name: Jason Arivu
Looks: Tanned, shiny white teeth, black-haired fohawk, light green eyes, glasses. A signature beyblade shirt, black skinny jeans, red Vans slip ons.

Personality: Bookworm/bey mechanic, talkative(only about beyblade though), can't keep love secrets. He can be shy sometimes, and he keeps hiding in the shadows.

Bey: Destined Minerva 230WB

Special Move(s): Any move you want BladerBro742. Just at least have 2 moves! Good Luck!

Extras: He gets all the girls....BUT, he sucks at blading! He Watched Sky in the championships and tried to learn from him. But he couldn't.





Chapter 5
Eh, I could've had Jennings play a little bit more of a role, but the chapter's not bad!