World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc. Off-Topic Forums Your Creations

The Backwards Beyblade Story by: Smart Blader ( Accepting Character Request )

Jul. 12, 2011  3:57 AM
 
Introduction

In a backwards universe people play beyblade. But in a different way and there is different people.
Chapter 1
"1-2-3 let it hit!" Tinkga exclaimed. "Go leone" said Yakoka. "Come on Tinkga" yelled Tenka. Special Move!!!!!!! Pegasus Star Shoot Attack! exclaimed Tinkga. Yay I won!! Announcer Guy: Tinkga has won the tournament!! "Yay!!" yelled the croud. "Tinkga ima buy you a giant turkey taco" said Damoka. "Cool" said Tinkga. Dennkai: Are you ok Yakoka. "Shut up" said Yakoka. I'm pissed. Maybe I can help you said Uryga. You want to get stronger don't you? "Yes" said Yakoka. "Come to the Light Nebula Association" said Uryga. We give people power. Narrator: We arrive back with Tinkga and them. Mi: Special Move: Ocean Blast!!! Go Libra!!! "Go Ray Unicorno!" said Samasune. "Universe Pegasus go!!"said Tinkga. Boom!! Boom!! Boom!!
To Be Continued...
Jul. 12, 2011  3:58 AM
 
This absolutely does not belong here. And you already know about the Your Creations forum.
Jul. 12, 2011  4:01 AM
 
(Jul. 12, 2011  3:58 AM)Kai-V Wrote: This absolutely does not belong here. And you already know about the Your Creations forum.
How do I change it. I wasn't really paying attention.
Jul. 12, 2011  4:02 AM
 
She already put it in the correct forum. Only mods can move topics/threads.
Jul. 12, 2011  4:37 AM
 
Chapter 2
"Yay I won!" said Tinkga. "No I did" said Ory. Narrator: Ory is Tinkga's dad. "Dad I wanna one on one match!" said Tinkga. "Ok" said Ory. 1-2-3 let it hit! said both of them. "Go Soothe Waterwave!!" exclaimed Ory. "Go Pegasus!!" exclaimed Tinkga. Ting!! Ting!! Ting!! Narrator: They battle for 15 minutes then Ory finally ends it. "Special Move!! Soothing Water Strike!!!!" exclaimed Ory. "Good game dad" said Tinkga. "You too son" said Ory. Narrator: We arrive back with Yakoka. "I'd like you to meet Gerie" said Uryga. His bey is Medicine Serpent. He likes to heal beys and rise spirits. My bey is not Electrical L-Drago anymore it's Asteroid L-Drago. "Whoa" said Yakoka. Cermi: Someone has infultrated the building. Narrator: Cermi is a living computer. "It appears to be Lujius Sarcae" said Uryga. "What bey does he have?" asked Yakoka. "He has Zero-Gravity Perseus" said Uryga.
To Be Continued...
Jul. 12, 2011  4:44 AM
 
Tingka??? creative...
Jul. 12, 2011  4:49 AM
 
(Jul. 12, 2011  4:44 AM)Bunnii2165 Wrote: Tingka??? creative...
Tinkga not Tingka
Chapter 3
"Uryga I'm here to battle you" said Lujius Sarcae. "I am too" said Lehios. My bey is Luna Wave and my grandpa said to defeat you. He said if you want to battle him, his bey is Light Zeus. "3 way battle!" exclaimed Lujius. Uryga: Ok I'm in! 1-2-3 let it hit! they all exclaimed. "Go L-Drago" said Uryga. "Everyone stop!" said Gerie. Lets just all be friends. "Ok" said everyone. There's no reason to battle. "Lets have steak!" exclaimed Uryga. "Ok" said Lujius. I'll cut it. Special Move!!!! Zigzag Z-Calibur. Lets grub!!! "Yakoka go train while we eat, remember you need to get stronger" said Uryga. "Go Leone!!!" exclaimed Yakoka.
To Be Continued...
Jul. 12, 2011  5:24 AM
 
So the names of the Beyblades are exactly the same, but you have Lujius (Julius) Sarcea (Ceasar), Z-Calibur (X-Calibur), etc. ...
Jul. 12, 2011  5:48 AM
 
Chapter 4
"I can feel the power" said Yakoka. Batusa: Lets see our power by battling. "Ok" said Yakoka. 1-2-3 let it hit!! they both exclaimed. "Go Seagle" said Batusa. Come on Birth Seagle Special Move!! Birthday wing smash!! "Leone Special Move!! Locked Gale Force Wall!!" exclaimed Yakoka. Go Lock Leone!! Narrator: Seagle unlocked the lock and hit Leone. Batusa won. "Hmm I knew I would win" said Batusa. You suck, you suck like a duck sucks fish. You've gotten better but you still suck so give up. You can't beat Tinkga!! Bye suckish person. "Ahhhhhh!!!!!" yelled Yakoka. Roar Lock Leone!!!!! I don't suck!!!! Light Move!!! Tornado of Hot Aired Fart. " Go Seagle!!" yelled Batusa. Narrator: But Yakoka still won. "Ahhhh it stinks so bad!" yelled Batusa. I can't believe I lost to fart. Dammit!! "You suck!!" exclaimed Yakoka. You shouldn't have been talkin smack.Narrator: And Yakoka walks away into the lightness.
To Be Continued...
(Jul. 12, 2011  5:24 AM)Kai-V Wrote: So the names of the Beyblades are exactly the same, but you have Lujius (Julius) Sarcea (Ceasar), Z-Calibur (X-Calibur), etc. ...

Not exactly the same. Soothe WaterWave, Luna Wave, Asteroid L-Drago etc.
Jul. 12, 2011  5:55 AM
 
I have no idea where this is going, it looks like people are just popping out of nowhere...
Jul. 12, 2011  5:59 AM
 
hey my review's up... sorry if its a bit harsh... you can check it out here
Jul. 12, 2011  6:01 AM
 
I know.
Jul. 12, 2011  6:03 AM
 
you just have to describe it more... its too confusing thats all
Jul. 12, 2011  6:31 AM
 
Chapter 5
Yakoka walks to Bey Pit to find Tinkga and battle him. He finall found him. "Tinkga I wanna battle you" said Yakoka. "(Where's all that power coming from?)" thought Tinkga. "I've gotten stronger from battling thousands of beyblades" said Yakoka. I'm here to battle you!!!!! (His yellow hair makes my blue hair look wack, well I've got to defeat him)" thought Tinkga. 1-2-3 let it hit!! they both yelled. "Go Universe Pegasus!!" yelled Tinkga. "Go Leone!!" exclaimed Yakoka. Narrator: The two clashed for a whole hour thats how much stronger Yakoka got. Finally Tinkga makes his move. "Special Move!! Star Razor!!!" exclaimed Tinkga. Give leone a fur cut, maybe a moehawk. "Light Move!! Tornado of Hot Aired Fart!!!!" exclaimed Leone. "It stinks so bad!!" yelled Tinkga. Pegasus blow it away with your wings. Yay the smells gone. Now time to get back to that moehawk. "Rrrrhh!!!" Yakoka moaned. I'm bout to lose, with a moehawk on my Leone. Nooooooooooooo!!!!!!!! Narrator: So Yakoka loses but sense he did so well, his bey evolved into
To Be Continued...
Jul. 12, 2011  6:46 AM
 
It has more description which is great but watch out for spelling mistakes and try lengthen your chapters! Wink
Jul. 12, 2011  7:00 AM
 
Ok I will. Thanks.
Jul. 12, 2011  7:06 AM
 
if you need any more tip just read this: The Writers Handbook its a good 5 minute read...
Jul. 13, 2011  3:41 AM
 
Chapter 6
So Yakoka's evolved bey is Big Fang Leone. Tinkga's bey evolves too. It evolves to Big Rip Pegasus. "Whoa this beyblade is awsome" said Yakoka. "Mine is too" said Tinkga. "I have evolved into Big Fang Leone" said Leone. "And I have evolved into Big Rip Pegasus Tinkga" said Pegasus. "Good job Yakoka" said Stranger. "Who's there?" asked Yakoka. "It's me Uryga" said Uryga.I followed you here. My bey has evolved too. Lujius destroyed Lehio's bey, and I helped Gerii revive it. And since I did, my bey evolved into L-Drago Revive. "Whoa" said Tinkga. "Since our beys have evolved less be a team called Team Evolvers" said Tinkga. "I agree" said Tinkga and Uryga. "Lets go to Egypt for the tournament" said Yakoka. "Okay" said Tinkga and Uryga. "Can I come" said Samasune. "Sure" said Tinkga. "Yes" yelled Samasune. Narrator: So the four go to Egypt. Even though Samasune wasn't apart of the team he went to watch live. So they go on the airplane.
Ten days later...
"We're finally here" said Tinkga. Narrator: But then comes a stranger. "Hello I'm here to battle one of you" said stranger. Samasune: I'll battle him since you guys get to battle in the tournament. "Okay" said Yakoka. "My bey is Lose Lynx, but I still win" said stranger. 1-2-3 let it hit!! exclaimed both of them. Narrator: So the battle starts, who will win.
For Now To Be Continued...
Jul. 13, 2011  5:23 AM
 
Erm... This story makes NO sense. At all. There seems to be no plot movement whatsoever, it's like a series of strange, unexplained, and poorly executed coincidences lined up, and people appear out of nowhere. While the idea is unique, the execution of said idea isn't so great, and as a result, it makes the story kind of a chore to read. The grammar isn't so great, either.
Jul. 13, 2011  5:27 AM
 
This kid again... Well, I shouldn't bash you for the past. But no offense, but this story is extremely bland and random.
Jul. 13, 2011  5:31 AM
 
it needs to make more sense. im glad its longer but still... im not kidding anymore. you need to describe it more and read this NOW!
Jul. 14, 2011  3:16 AM
 
Chapter 7
So Samasune battles the stranger but then the stranger wins.
One hour later...
The tournament starts.
Announcer: First up Tinkga vs. Zeo. "We'll takem all on at one time!" yelled Uryga.Announcer: Okay!!1-2-3 let it hit! Boom!Boom!Boom! "Team Evolvers win" yelled announcer.Narrator: We arrive with Samasune. "Zeo, Faust?" asked Samasune. "Yes it's us" said Faust. Come home with us. "Okay" said Samasune. Narrator: They live happily ever after.
THE END
Jul. 14, 2011  3:38 AM
 
No. This is TERRIBLE. In fact, I have seen VERY few stories with a less imaginative ending than this. There's STILL no description, and whoever rated this was VERY generous. (I say -10/10.) Yes, it's that bad. I mean, it still makes no sense, and even if it is a comedy, it needs description, and a PLOT. (Really, The Amazing World of Gumball has more of a plot.) I am going to be totally honest with you. This is garbage. TOTAL. TRASH. You need to make the chapter longer, and DESCRIBE what's happening. (Even YuGiOh Abridged has you beat in that department.) The end is confusing, and nothing is resolved. The battles are three words. "BoomBoomBoom", the grammar is bad, and the pretense is garbage. There's no character development. (Really, I wouldn't care one way or another if someone jumped off a cliff in this story, because you never developed the characters.) There's nothing to interest ANYONE. Writing isn't that easy, kid.