Snare

You know the drill...

"Snare"

The walls built tall around me are so cruel.
They taunt me like the sparkle of daylight
At the end of a tunnel; a veiled jewel.
A gem tarnished by darkness; no longer bright.
Every ring that I touched on my way down
Seems to have disintegrated into dust,
And the shadows below seek only to drown
Me for the mistake of giving my trust.
I dreamed you would save me, that we would elope.
Instead you pulled away; the promise is gone.
Yet still I am searching for the escape rope,
Though I know that too has been withdrawn.

From high up above I can hear your shouts.
Save your breath; I will find my own way out.
...Deep, man. Is this based on something that happened to you? Regardless, the poem SPEAKS. Great work, Roan.
Wow, this poem is very deep, and relates to me. Great poem Roan.
(Jul. 25, 2011  5:52 AM)Temporal Wrote: ...Deep, man. Is this based on something that happened to you? Regardless, the poem SPEAKS. Great work, Roan.

Yes, it's based on something personal, and thank you.
Nice poem, I like it Joyful_3
I appreciate the kind words guys, but you really need to put some more content in your replies to things like this, otherwise it just turns out to be spam.
Hey, Roan, this happen to you?
It's been a while since your last poem, Roan. It's good to see you doing them again Joyful_2.

The flow is decent, but sometimes seems off. What format is this in?
I really hope this has nothing to do with your current boyfriend. Unhappy

In a way, I can really feel the value of this piece because it reminds me of my own experiences. The last two lines were very powerful, and I think it really sets this poem aside from many others who will fixate more on the "drowning" towards the end.

I think this one is my favourite.
i love this. this is so deep
(Jul. 26, 2011  7:04 PM)Deikailo Wrote: I really hope this has nothing to do with your current boyfriend. Unhappy

In a way, I can really feel the value of this piece because it reminds me of my own experiences. The last two lines were very powerful, and I think it really sets this poem aside from many others who will fixate more on the "drowning" towards the end.

I think this one is my favourite.

It does have to do with my boyfriend. He and I had been seriously discussing moving together after I finished this current semester of college (which ends on Thursday). I am very unhappy with where I live currently, both because of my job and because of the general state of my town. I am also really struggling with the distance between us. I want to be together physically (as in living together, pervs Tongue_out) more than anything else. Unfortunately, he and I talked and it turns out that that isn't going to be happening, at least not until sometime next year. So, having that denied me and being forced to stay in this town that I absolutely hate for another 5 months or so really disappointed and upset me, which is where this poem came from.

I'm really fond of it too. I feel like all of my best work comes from places of pure emotional reactions, whether they be positive or negative. The flow isn't the best in places, as Sparta pointed out, but I was less focused on the technical construction of the poem and more concerned with expressing how I was feeling at the time.
Sorry for the short post, I couldn't think of anything as it whipped my memory lol.

But it is a strong piece and a cool one, it also can relate to multiple things, even tho its about you and your boyfriend, it also shows more meaning and emotion to it, and seems dark at the same time, locked...

but there is always a way around everything... so hope you find that way Wink
Roan, while it's a nice poem in the sense that it displays that you’re an articulate person, however I find it incredibly depressing. It paints a grim picture that you’re struggling emotionally and are experiencing hardship with your current environment. I strongly suggest that you speak with someone close to you about any issues which may be bothering you as there seems to be much more to it then on the surface.
I appreciate the advice and concern, but unfortunately seeing someone professionally isn't something I am able to do presently, though I have seen someone in the past.
(Jul. 26, 2011  9:36 PM)Roan Wrote:
(Jul. 26, 2011  7:04 PM)Deikailo Wrote: I really hope this has nothing to do with your current boyfriend. Unhappy

In a way, I can really feel the value of this piece because it reminds me of my own experiences. The last two lines were very powerful, and I think it really sets this poem aside from many others who will fixate more on the "drowning" towards the end.

I think this one is my favourite.

It does have to do with my boyfriend. He and I had been seriously discussing moving together after I finished this current semester of college (which ends on Thursday). I am very unhappy with where I live currently, both because of my job and because of the general state of my town. I am also really struggling with the distance between us. I want to be together physically (as in living together, pervs Tongue_out) more than anything else. Unfortunately, he and I talked and it turns out that that isn't going to be happening, at least not until sometime next year. So, having that denied me and being forced to stay in this town that I absolutely hate for another 5 months or so really disappointed and upset me, which is where this poem came from.

I'm really fond of it too. I feel like all of my best work comes from places of pure emotional reactions, whether they be positive or negative. The flow isn't the best in places, as Sparta pointed out, but I was less focused on the technical construction of the poem and more concerned with expressing how I was feeling at the time.
I'm sorry to hear that. Unhappy At least you two are still together. I assumed the worst (a fault of mine). How often do you get to see him now?

I think it's the message that's more important than the flow, and in this piece, it works.
(Jul. 27, 2011  1:38 PM)Deikailo Wrote: I'm sorry to hear that. Unhappy At least you two are still together. I assumed the worst (a fault of mine). How often do you get to see him now?

I think it's the message that's more important than the flow, and in this piece, it works.

We're still together and going strong; I don't see that changing anytime soon. We still plan on moving together at some point in the future, and we're supposed to take a small vacation together to a small cabin in northern Michigan too while I'm on break between semesters in August.

I get to see him every few weeks or so, but it's been increasingly sporadic given our conflicting work schedules (he's off only on weekends, I'm always working on the weekends, etc.).

I agree, I think the message in any poem is more important than the techniques used or not used.