Pokemon (Fan-Fic Series)

This is just a small fan fic I've been working on of one of my favorite TCG, Cartoon and Video Game. It will probably have some grammatical errors (as that is what i struggle with the most nowadays) but i think it could be enjoyable for fans of the Pokemon series. The other thing is my new gamertag is Minho, which happens to be my WBO name... and character name. Hope you enjoy.

Pokemon: Episode 1
hey i like to play pokemon too what game do you play the most cause maybe u and i could have a battle over wifi sometime and become friends maybe what do u think
Hey, nice to hear. I'll PM you on this okay.
This story is a bit confusing; you jump from one scene to another a bit too much. Jumping scenes is okay; you don't have to write every single detail but you must remember to jump scenes at the right climax, feeling and atmosphere of the current event happening in the story. Considering it is fan-fiction, it seems mediocre and highly superior to some others in the forum but otherwise, it's quite decent. You, more or less, put more effort into this than most writers here because you actually take time to capitalize but you still have some mistakes here and there. One more thing, you don't need to start a new line every sentence; try starting a new line once you wrote 9 - 15 sentences depending on length.


Characters 6/10 : Like I said, considering that this is fan-fiction, they're quite okay. However, your main character might just be a Mary-Sue; you don't name your characters after your own name or username.

Plot (No Score) : It's a fan-fic; the story is based on a plot that was already founded. However, try not to jump from scenes like I stated above.

Originality (No Score) : Fan-fic. However though, I'd give 5/10 for the character names.

Grammar, punctuation, spelling and spacing 5/10: You have a medium amount of mistakes, most of them being punctuation and spacing.

Overall 6/10: Overall, fix the mistakes, try not to make event cliche, make sure that Minho doesn't turn out as a Mary- Sue, don't jump scenes and the WBO YC Forum finally will have a good fan-fic after a long time. (A very very very very very....you get my point.)
Thanks BP, i'll work on that when I finish Ep 2.
Too short but not to point (which makes it too fragile).

Story sucks, lack of description.

Words-jamming. Sticky and stuff, which makes it hard to read.
okay buddy.
Have a nice life...

WBO and stories arent my priority right now...