Anyone got any good one liners? here are a few:

Every teenager should get a high school education, even if they already know everything.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the
end and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of
nothing.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant.
Every table had an argument going.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one
talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're
just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the
last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice
about a woman is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice
about men is they're a bunch of liars.

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wat

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bESBs3Lg7M

Mitch Hedberg, king of the one-liner.

I can't believe it's been almost three years since he passed away.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bESBs3Lg7M

Mitch Hedberg, king of the one-liner.

I can't believe it's been almost three years since he passed away.

lol, nice. I heard him on sattelite radio this week. Didn't know he was dead

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"I like lemonade! I just wish they didn't have to kill so many lemons to make it..."

"I like lemonade! I just wish they didn't have to kill so many lemons to make it..."

How is that even remotely funny?

What are you, eight? I mean seriously.

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"I like lemonade! I just wish they didn't have to kill so many lemons to make it..."

The humor in this delightful little quip is derived from the fact that we generally do not consider lemons to be sentient beings (assuredly, they are not -- they are fruit that grow from trees, which Wikipedia elaborates on). The naivete displayed by the implied speaker -- or narrator, as it were -- is the source of comedic value; how can we possibly feel bad about killing something that is not alive in the first place? I use the word "alive" in the sense that we apply it to animals including humans; obviously, plants and other things can be considered alive even though they are not sentient.

Thus, the narrator in this situation is woefully misinformed about the very core of what a lemon is -- a delicious, edible fruit that one should feel no shame of "killing" because it does not have the capacity to understand what "alive" even is -- and we are amused by this ignorance.

tl;dr

tl;dr

this isn't funny

Are you an official? Because you've officially given me a carp.


.....

Man who goes to bed with ichy bum, Wakes up with stinky finger.

Man who goes to bed with ichy bum, Wakes up with stinky finger.

o_o

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1. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
2. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
5. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
6. Never answer an anonymous letter.
7. It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
8. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
9. Always go to other people?s funerals, or they won?t go to yours.
10. Few women admit their age; few men act it.
11. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
12. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
13. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
14. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Campers: Nature?s way of feeding mosquitoes.
17. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
18. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
19. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
20. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
21. Nuke the Whales.
22. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
24. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
25. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
26. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
27. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
28. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
29. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
30. You can't have everything; where would you put it?
31. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
32. Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
33. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
34. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
35. DNA: National Dyslexic Association.
36. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
37. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
38. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
39. DARE to keep cops off donuts.
40. Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
41. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
42. Dyslexics of the world, untie!
43. God made mankind. Sin made him evil.
44. I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
45. I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
46. Don't steal. The government hates competition.
47. Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
48. National Atheist's Day April 1st.
49. All generalizations are false.
50. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
51. Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
52. If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
53. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
54. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got.
55. I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
56. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
57. I can handle pain until it hurts.
58. No matter where you go, you're there.
59. If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
60. It's been Monday all week.
61. Gravity always gets me down.
62. This statement is false.
63. Eschew obfuscation.
64. They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.
65. It's bad luck to be superstitious.
66. According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
67. The word ?gullible? isn?t in the dictionary.
68. Honk if you like peace and quiet.
69. The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened.
70. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
71. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
72. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
73. A day without sunshine is like, night.
74. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
75. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
76. Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
77. Life is too complicated in the morning.
78. We are all part of the ultimate statistic?ten out of ten die.
79. Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.
80. Ask me about my vow of silence.
81. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
82. The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.
83. Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
84. If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
85. If at first you don?t succeed, don?t try skydiving.
86. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
87. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
88. I intend to live forever. So far so good.
89. Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard disk?
90. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
91. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
92. Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
93. I didn?t use to finish sentences, but now I
94. I?ve had amnesia as long as I can remember.
95. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
96. Vacation begins when Dad says, "I know a short cut."
97. Evolution: True science fiction.
98. What's another word for Thesaurus?
99. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
100. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
101. I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.

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none of these are funny or entertaining, please stop posting

i lol'd on "There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't."

i lol'd on "There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't."

get out

Delivery is soooooo important when it comes to one liners. Typing them out pretty much fails.

i lol'd on "There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't."

get out

no u

the people who I hang out with think someone saying penis or boobs is the funniest thing on the planet, sorry for not having the best sense of humor dude.

here is the best joke ever

knock knock
who's there
interrupting cow
interrupt-
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

sucks on the internet but try it, it is carp hilarious

you do that one all the carp time on the phone

ditto that delayed reaction cow one, jesus
it's like dating my cousin

you do that one all the carp time on the phone

ditto that delayed reaction cow one, jesus
it's like dating my cousin

delayed reaction cow takes a lot more finesse to pull off

delayed reaction cow isn't as awesome as rick and roll

delayed reaction cow isn't as awesome as rick and roll

false
[Image: funny-halloween-costume620.jpg]

here is the best joke ever

knock knock
who's there
interrupting cow
interrupt-
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

sucks on the internet but try it, it is carp hilarious

rofl, thats amazing, seriously.

You bet I'll be trying that one out soon.

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