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My Story (Taking Character Requets)

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Jan. 24, 2011  6:53 PM
 
Chapter 1
The Start of the Journey
One day a young boy by the name of Mitch discovered Beyblade. He saw the way the beys clashed and loved it. He wanted to make his own. So he asked his father, who was the best blader in the country, if he could help him make a bey. He said yes and the two stayed up all night working and testing beys. Mitch found his match right before dawn. The beyblade Cyber Aquario 105 R2F. Then in the morning Mitch battled with his best friend Josh, who had Vulcan Cancer 90 XF and he won! Then after a year of training with Cyber Aquario, Mitch set of on a Beyblade journey. His goal: To become the best blader in the world!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Ok when you request please do it as follows:
Name:
Name of Bey: (If parts are made up please describe it and what it does)
Bey's Specail move and what it does

I will have a chapter every day or two(maybe 2 a day) and I promise I will put your characters in when I can. Smile
Jan. 25, 2011  1:12 AM
 
name:kevin hagata
bio:a nice,caring,and protective(of his friends but excepically of his bey he will not even let someone touch it) 12 year old boy who's bey contains a terrifing power(it a good power but it is very terrifying because it is so strong)he wears black jeans,black shirt with a pegasis symbol HE IS A GOOD GUY
bey:shooting star pegasis(the second clear wheel version)aw85r2f
special move:shooting star overdrive
the bey goes around the oppenent in a circle and gets covered in a black energy that has little specks of sliver that looks like stars and the track gets covered in black fire and hits them six times from all sides but on the 6th hit my bey hits the spin track and send them flying upward then pegasis jumps up smashs them down to the ground and then pegasis goes straghit down and the metal wheel and track hits the face bolt
.aw85 stands for attack wings 85 so its pretty much uw145(killer beafowls track) except the track height is lowered and the sides of the have spikes on them also it is made of metal.also the wings on the track come right to the end of the metal wheel and on my command and during my special move the wings get covered with black fire .the metal wheel is pretty much vulcan except each of the wings has 3 slighty curved spikes and in bewteen the spaces of the spikes about 3 millimeters below that space are slighty curved spikes that are set the exact oppsite way.lastly during battle pegasis can swich from left spin to right spin.
beyblade bio:has tremdously super amazing smash attack and aw85 shreds anything that touchs it(except for me and my friends)
Jan. 25, 2011  10:38 PM
 
Chapter 2
Kevin Hagata
Mitch is wandering around the town of Omata and his challenged by a kid about his age and he is wearing black jeans and a shirt with a pegasis symbol on it. He yells at Mitch, "So this is the famous Mitch Yamata, the son of Sam Yamata. Lets see if your as good as your father." "Fine," Mitch said and pulled out his beylauncher and grip. They both shouted, "3-2-1-Let It Rip!!" As soon as Kevin's bey hit the statium floor, it started to turn black. Mitch saw there were flames enveloping Kevin's bey. Kevin said, "So you like my Shooting Star Pegasis AW85 R2F?" "What is it doing," Mitch wondered outloud. "Its Attack Wing 85. The wings on 85 have 2 spikes on each and the whole track is metal! The spikes create the flames and with my special Shooting Star wheel, which also have spikes, will crush you with my special move! Pegasis, Shooting Star Overdrive!!!!" Suddenly the whole bey became one giant flame as it circled Cyber. Then there was a flash as Cyber was hit by Pegasis and knocked into the air. Then Pegasis jumped from the wall of the stadium and hit Cyber and knocked it to the floor of the stadium, barely spining. Then Pegasis came down on Cyber and hit it right in the face bolt. Cyber was sent flying and barely lands in the stadium. Mitch had been working on a special move, but it wasn't perfected. "I have to try," Mitch thought. "Ok Cyber, lets do it!" Suddenly Cyber was gaining speed. Then it let out a barage of hard attacks on Pegasis. Then Pegasis was sent flying. Then Mitch shouted, "Special move. Aquario, Cyber Fury Strike!" Then Cyber flew into the air and then hit Pegasis with a fury of hits and when it came down, Pegasi was out of the stadium. Mitch won! "I lost?" Mitch went over to Kevin, "That was a great battle. Do you want to join me? I'm training to become the best blader in the world." Kevin said "Cool me too! I guess we can fight over the title, but until then, lets train together!" So Kevin and Mitch head for the next town, and the next challenge.
Jan. 25, 2011  11:08 PM
 
hey story is great virgo i like so far the intro on the first part sounded like hikaru from the show and u use aquario wow can i join

Name: Billy Draco
Bio :A Blader from a half phenoix and half dragon style family is slightly a disappointmeant to family cause his special animal bull
blader: stuff bey burn FiCo ( name thought of when little a fire dragon bull ) ( charges like bull is a dragon with phenix fire ) AD145 SD
More Bio: A averge blader besides his family but family is ellite unknow family which makes him strong ( kinda like max personality from old beyblade series)
Special moves: Burning assault turns into flames and encircles oppenent till hit while instead of losing stamina gains like a ring of fire after u Stamina type other special move flame bust smacks into air then flame on and attacks in air soar like a dragon like pick up bey and dropp then slap oppenent put of stadium

Edit changing performance tip Burn fiCo Ad145 MD (Md mean Metal Defense for extreme stamina and basic defense with very basic attack capibility Stats 5 stamina 3 defense and 1 attack

Sorry for hard to read long post
Jan. 26, 2011  2:11 PM
 
Chapter 3
Billy Draco
Mitch and Kevin are traveling to Kimona City when they are challenged by a little boy. Kevin said, "I'll take care of this." "Don't go to hard on him," warns Mitch. "Are you ready kid? 3-2-1 Let It Rip!" As soon Billy's bey hit the stadium, it went to the middle. "So, you got a stamina bey huh? Well then take this!" As soon as the beys hit Billy's bey is thrown out of the stadium. "Dang, again," said Billy. "I guess I need more work with my Burn FiCo AD145 MD." Mitch askes, "Whats MD?" Kevin answers, "It stands for Metal Defense. I gives a bey maximum stamina. Wait, what did you say your name was?" "Billy Draco" "I've heard of you! Your family is one of the biggest clans that all beyblade and your the washout." "Kevin, don't taunt him," Mitch said. "Hey Billy, you want to come with us?" "Why would you want a washout on your side?" "You can train with us. We can help you become stronger." "Seriously? Then yes!" So at the tournament in Kimona City, its Mitch and Billy in the final round. Mitch barely escapes defeat and congradulates Billy in making it to the finals. So then the 3 friends set off as there are many more challenges that await them.
Jan. 26, 2011  9:29 PM
 
thanks dont forget burning assaut and you think there could be a chapter were you guys help me make "burning Assault" thanks
Jan. 26, 2011  9:51 PM
 
Chapter 4
Billy's Special Move
Kevin and Billy are practicing. Billy is about to win when Kevin uses Shooting Star Overdrive and KOs FiCo. "I wish I had a special move," said Billy. "Well what makes you think you can't," askes Mitch. "Could you help me?" "Sure." Then Billy and Mitch battle until Billy thinks of a move. He tries it. Billy yelled, "FiCo, circle it!" Then it did and also became a flame and then he yelled "Hit it hard." Then Cyber was flown into the air. "Now FiCo, strike it and slam it into the stadium floor!" So it did and Billy won! Mitch said, "Do you have a name for your move?" "Yes. Its called Burning Assault." "Now you can battle me," said Kevin. So then they battled and when Billy used Burning Assault it made Pegasis stop spinning. "Yes! I finally beat Kevin!"
Jan. 26, 2011  10:33 PM
 
Cool story. Can you put my Characters.

Name: (No one know his name so they just call him Whirpool)
Bey: Whirpool Poseidon T120 RB
Look: Blue jeans, white T-shirt, blue jacket, blue hair.

Bey description: The metal wheel whirpool is blue and is shaped like whirpool waves in the outside and some pop up waves near the middle in the inside. The clear wheel is blue and is a whirpool. T120 (trident 120) is a blue 120 with four small gold tridents. RB (rubber ball) is a rubber ball. The facebolt is blue with a gold trident and two waves behind. Is a very powerfull bey.

Whirpool description: He is a 15 year old mysterious guy. No one knows nothing about him. Is a very good guy but no one talks with him. Whirpool is very strong blader and always is blading. He found Whirpool Poseidon when he was 8 yaers old. He was in a ship and a giant whirpool appear in front. The ship sunk and all his family died. He was the only one who survived. Under the sea he found his bey. Since then he is all mysterious.

Special Move: Giant Golden Whirpool. Appears water in the stadium and then Whirpool Poseidon Makes a giant whirpool . The tridents in his track get bigger.

He is a good guy.

Name: Briel
Bey: Green Libra 100WB ( Green is like rock but bigger and green)
Description: He is like 14 but short. He is a very strong blader and wants to get much stronger. Libra comes from the sky and since Briel found it he wears all green: Green jacket, green pants, greenshoes, green hair, green skin.
Special move: Green tornado. The bey makes a green tornado making all things green and then blow the opponent bey away.

They are very good friends.
Jan. 26, 2011  11:46 PM
 
Thats sorta sounds like the ending of my story for my character just the goal of becoming the best blader in the world part
Jan. 26, 2011  11:54 PM
 
thanks
Feb. 13, 2011  4:25 AM
 
good job!
i like that 321 let it rip
Jun. 02, 2011  12:51 AM
 
hey virgo are you going to make more of the story
Jun. 02, 2011  2:12 AM
 
(Jan. 26, 2011  9:51 PM)NightVirgo8787 Wrote: Chapter 4

...Alright, a few things:

*Before I say anything else, this is what most 'writers' here do: their story lacks description. And if it does have description, it's only to describe what someone asked for in a character request. DESCRIBE THINGS!!!!!! Please, if you only read one asterisk on this post, READ THIS ONE! The key to writing a good story is to use good fluency in your descriptions, and chunk them up. Don't all at once just write a description. Continue with the story, and gradually add little pieces of detail. The only exception is if you are writing about some random object that has no importance to the storyline.

*TOO MUCH DIALOGUE! Woah there! Cut down on the dialogue and add some thoughts or breaks. What's he thinking? Is his hand clenched into a fist? Is he sweating?

*Choppy, choppy, choppy. Use transition words and sentences. Gradually change the subject, don't just change it!

I apologize for sounding like a know-it-all or snooty. Or mean. I don't mean to offend you, sometimes my critique comes out a little harsh. Sorry.
Jun. 02, 2011  3:17 AM
 
Name:Andrew Collogami
Bey:Tornado Capricorne 85XF
Allignment:Good
Age:13
Special Move:Lightning Tornado Screwdriver
Attitude:Cheerfull and funny
Jun. 19, 2011  3:56 AM
 
ny ideas to continue this or is it Dead
Jun. 19, 2011  4:10 AM
 
Name: Tyson Granger
Bey: Hurricane Dragoon AD115WRF
Hurricane desc.: A lightning wheel with a rubber coating; similar to Meteo, but shaped as Lightning (White)
Dragoon: An L-Drago I clear wheel with rubber along the edges, non-transparent white.
AD115: A track with a height of 11.5mm, with an armor similar to AD145 and 230 except it extends to the edge of the metal wheel (White)
WRF: A wider version of RF (White with blue rubber)
Alignment: Good
Special Move: Phantom Hurricane
Jun. 19, 2011  4:12 AM
 
(Jun. 02, 2011  2:12 AM)Sparta Wrote:
(Jan. 26, 2011  9:51 PM)NightVirgo8787 Wrote: Chapter 4

...Alright, a few things:

*Before I say anything else, this is what most 'writers' here do: their story lacks description. And if it does have description, it's only to describe what someone asked for in a character request. DESCRIBE THINGS!!!!!! Please, if you only read one asterisk on this post, READ THIS ONE! The key to writing a good story is to use good fluency in your descriptions, and chunk them up. Don't all at once just write a description. Continue with the story, and gradually add little pieces of detail. The only exception is if you are writing about some random object that has no importance to the storyline.

*TOO MUCH DIALOGUE! Woah there! Cut down on the dialogue and add some thoughts or breaks. What's he thinking? Is his hand clenched into a fist? Is he sweating?

*Choppy, choppy, choppy. Use transition words and sentences. Gradually change the subject, don't just change it!

I apologize for sounding like a know-it-all or snooty. Or mean. I don't mean to offend you, sometimes my critique comes out a little harsh. Sorry.

i was going to say the same thing... untill i saw this you took the words out of my mouth . the battles need more descriptions here an example . (they charchters are named blah and duh xD) 3..2..1 LET IT RIP Both of them shot into the stadium.(Blah is main charchter xD) I clinched my hands into a fist .It wasnt fair he was an attack type .I had to do something.Duh's beyblade continued to make fierce attacks on Blah's bey. "Do you really think you can beat me weakling?"Duh said."Special move DO SOME SPECIAL STUFFF" Blah's bey stops spining instantly....Blah pounds the ground. and ima stop there
Jun. 19, 2011  12:34 PM
 
Same as Sparta.
This story:

Too many Dialog,

Too straight going,

and too short.