My First Story - Tala's MFB Reincarnation

Poll: What do you think of my first story?

Great! I like it!
88.89%
32
It's pretty good I guess.
5.56%
2
It needs some work.
0%
0
It's bad, needs a lot of work on it.
5.56%
2
Total: 100% 36 vote(s)
Great story! I might consider following it (that's an achievement).

One flaw though which was rather off-putting for me was you said in chapter 1 that he lived in Tokyo then in chapter 2 said he lived in Beytaku in Europe Chocked_2. Don't know what happened there.
pretty sweet Rai, normally I dislike plastic/HMS remakes, but this is good, and very interesting. the layout is very good, and I think you should keep it up!
RowDog
wat
derp
Lol, thank you so much for pointing that out. I would've never caught it. Tongue_out

@Nwolf
Thanks! Grin
Ok I've found a problem but it is nothing to do with the story or anything, it's to do with the poll. DON'T BE SUCH A COWARD JAEMS! If you have a problem with his story at least have the courage to say why you don't like it instead of just trolling the thread.
I absolutely hate that when a story has a lot of likes and then there is just one person who says its horrible without any reasoning.
Sorry about that.

When's the next chapter?
LOL, sorry for the typo.
I plan on having the story and everything that I've said will be done, done, within the next week or less.
Expect a re-do of Chapter One tonight. It is long overdue, and maybe I can get a few new readers before I post it!
Hopefully everyone will like it. I'm editing a few minor details in the existing story, and adding quite a bit more to it. I hope you will all enjoy it.
Sweet, finally some new stuff to read LOL
Still one of my favorite stories on the WBO (despite only being 2 chapters XD)
Keep it up :3
CH. 1

Since I had left beyblading many years ago and parted with my group, life's grown boring. I remember the days of Beyblade when things weren't all hardcore metal parts, and were more prone to breaking since they were plastic and all. I even remember HMS - what was basically the setup for MFB, but a lot different. I miss the old blading days... Things were great back then.

I'm 19 now, I have my own home in Beytaku, Russia. I have barely any time for Beyblading anymore. I long the days where I would practice with my team... We've grown apart since then. They all live in different parts of the world too, and I'm not even sure where. Wolborg just sits in a box somewhere now in my closet. I don't even think about him anymore. But lately, this "Metal Fight Beyblade" has revived my want for Beyblading again. So today I'm heading to the Bey Pit and I'm going to pickup some parts for my own bey. I'm even going to take Wolborg with me, hah, maybe I can get his opinion on parts or something... Hah. Like that would ever happen...

I begin walking down to the station which is a fairly long walk away from where I live. You go down the road from where I live, take a left, and then to a subway station, taking a train to it, in Razenu, which is rougly 30 kilometers due east. It's Beytaku's neighboring city, and a rival to As I'm walking down to the station, which is just up a hill from where I'm walking, stop, and glance to the right. I hear a bunch of kids screaming things like "Go! Special move!" and "Go!! Attack from the side!" in the park near the center of town. I've never been inside the park, and I never had any reason to.
"Heh.. I remember those days... So simple back then."
I begin walking again towards the station again, but then there was a sudden large gust of wind.
"Go! Pegasis! Big Bang Tornado!"
A wild tornado emerges from the center of the park, and then dies out, just as quickly as it had formed.
"No!!! Impossible! Nothing can defeat my Daku Wofl M145MS!!!" a child screams at the top of his lungs.
"Hah, good game kid! I've gotta go now, cya!" a red haired, and positive entity retorts. He then runs off, out of my sight of vision.
"I wonder who that was.. He looked like a strong blader." I say to myself.
"Bah, I'll miss the train if I keep standing around here like a boulder.."
I begin walking off towards the Subway Station.

As I enter the Subway Station, an aroma of greasy fast food, sweaty busy people, and a blast of heat welcomes me.
"God, do they not have any damn air ciculation or air conditioners in here? This is outrageous.."
I go up to the ticket booth to puchase a ticket. The sign held above the booth says that train tickets all around are 1 Euro a ticket. Apparently it's a holiday special or something.
"I need one ticket to Razenu please." I say to the ticket booth employee. She's a nice looking girl, about my age. She looks oddly familiar, but I pass it off as one of those stupid coincidences that always seems to happen.
"Okay!" she says with a high pitched, and positive voice. "That will be one euro please!"
I silently hand the money over in exchange for my ticket.
"Oh, not again! The stupid machine is jammed!" she squeals.
"Jammed?" I say quietly, barely nothing more than a whisper compared to the noise that the crowds of people in here are creating.
"Yeah, stupid thing's been messing up all morning! Bah, if only I had a Beyblade, I could fix this... Those things can somehow fix everything"
"I have a Beyblade."
"Really? Do you think you could try to fix it sir? Sorry, it takes the repair guy half an hour to even get the proper tools out to fix this.."
"Sure." I say. I'm in a hurry, the train will be leaving soon. I pick Wolborg MS out of my pocket, and place it onto the launcher. Next, I put the winder into the launcher, which is upheld by a grip.
"Wow... This feeling... It's amazing. I haven't done anything with Wolborg in so long." I think to myself.
"Well, get on with it!" she says happily, that someone other than an old, fat, stupid repair man is actually trying to help. A line's starting to create behind me. A man shouts "Hurry up! I don't have all day!"
"Neither do I, you idiot." I retort.
"3..." I tighten my hand on the grip.
"2.." This feels natural.
"1!" I ready my hand to start pulling the winder.
"GOOOOOO-" I sling my hand upon the winder quickly, readying myself for a task so simple, yet so complicated.
"SHOOT!!" The winder has left the launcher.
Wolborg lands on the counter, standing strong and tall. It's amazing that he still works, even after this long.
"Wolborg! Go hit that machine!" I scream.
Wolborg responds, obeying me. He hits the machine. BAM!
"Once more!"
"BAM!!"
"Again!"
"CRRRAAACKK!!!"
"No! Not again! You'll break it! It's fine now, it's working!" the ticket booth girl says loudly. Wolborg returns to my hand, and she hands me my ticket. I turn around, only to be stopped by a hand.
"Hey, thanks a lot guy! Can I get your number?"
"My... Telephone number?" I question what this is leading to.
"Yeah!"
"Erm... Sure. I guess. Here." I pull out my wallet and hand over a piece of paper with my number on it. It's always helpful to have these things handy, if you know what I mean, hah. Off to Razenu.

I arrive in Razenu, and walk out of the train. When I emerge from the subway station, I'm met with fresh air.
"Ahh... Fresh cold air. Just like Beytaku." I say to myself.
It's a festive town. Full of colors, and jolly people walking up and down the street. It has a crime problem though, crazy stuff will happen, even out in the opening. I immediately notice the Beypit, slighty down the Avenue. Time for a new Beyblade. As I'm walking casually towards the Bey Pit, with my hands in pocket grasping Wolborg. I take my hand out to cover my face, as I'm about to sneeze. I release Wolborg from my grip. I raise my hand to my face to cover it, and then it's as if an explosion went off in my side. I hear right before the impact from a passerby "Give me your money!"
A bullet.
It pierced my thick jacket made of leather.
I fall straight to the ground, head hitting cold concrete with the force of a thousand hammers.
I'm out cold. I feel hands rummaging my pockets. They grab Wolborg.
"NO... YOU... DON'T."
I rise up, completely concious now, and punch the criminal square in the face, sending him flying backwards. The gun in his hand, a revolver, goes sliding across the ice covered street. Everyone stops and looks at me. I hear whispers of things like "Wow, did he just return back from conciousness that quickly?" and "Amazing! That was extraordinary! He just took a bullet and he's back up!" I begin checking my pockets, the left one with my grip is okay, along with my launcher. I check my other pocket...
"..."
I bring out the remnants of Wolborg MS. I shed a single tear, and it drops to the ground, freezing within seconds.
"Wol...borg..." I whisper. A feeling of shock and saddness overcomes me. My head is laying low, my hair is covering up my eyes, and people are still staring... It's embarrassing, and odd at the same time. Police sirens pierce through the dead silence, and they arrive, screeching to a halt in front of the criminal, who, like I was, is out cold. They place handcuffs on him, and throw him in the police car, slam the door and drive off. Quite a quick police force they have around these parts...
People begin moving again now, walking away from the scene, and all is normal again. I resume walking towards the Bey Pit, and I arrive at it. I gaze up and look at the banner going across advertising parts, released even as recent as today. The WBBA sure is larger than it was back in the day.

As I enter the Bey Pit I see kids going CRAZY over all of the new parts, and how expensive they are. There are posters for tournaments everywhere in the store, and ads for parts littered on them as well. There are a plethora of pieces in MFB, possibly even more than back when I played. I begin looking around, gazing at the new parts, and I'm amazed at how small they are... They look like they wouldn't have any effect... But that's completely wrong. Every gram of ever part makes a difference. None of the parts even resemble what they used to be, let alone what I would want for a MFB Wolborg... There are stadiums everywhere, kids playing in them. I wonder what happened to that blader I saw in the park..

I walk up to the clerk, and begin talking to him.
"Hello sir.."
"How may I help you Tala?"
"...How do you.. know my name?"
"Don't recognize me do you?! Hah! I expected nothing more than that after a few years. Nice to see you again!" he says proudly.
"...Who are you?"
He bends over the counter, and begins to whisper "Well, since you REALLY can't tell, it's me, Tyson!"
"Tyson? Wow, I haven't seen you in so long.."
"Hush, hush, I don't need the store knowing that it's ME."
"Alright.. Tell me, do you happen to offer a bey repair service?" I ask.
"We sure do!" he replies.
"... I need this fixed."
I pick out the pieces of what was Wolborg MS and place it on the dest. Even the bullet is there. It's stilll warm. Tyson then grabs out a magnifying glass and takes a look.
"Yeah... This isn't getting fixed." he says sadly.
"...There's... nothing you can do? Nothing?"
"Well... There is ONE thing..." he says.
"I'll do it! Wolborg must be fixed!"
"Fine. Don't expect magic though."
We then proceed to walk to the back store.
"Hey Kenny! Think you can fix a broken HMS?
"Sure can Tyson! Who's getting their HMS fixed?" he asks, loudly.
"Tala!"
"No way! Tala is here? Great to see you Tala!"
"...Yeah. Good to see you.."
I'm still looking down, I have hope for Wolborg, but I'm not sure if they CAN fix him. He was in pretty rough shape.

A few hours later

I'm just sitting in a chair they have in the back, watching some TV. I'm flipping through the channels, and I find the WBBA channel. They're showing an old battle, between me and Tyson. The DJ is shouting and narrating the whole battle... He always got on my nerve. Tyson walks in and says "Hah! They still show me whooping people on TV all the time! I wish they wouldn't though, my time to shine is done." Kenny walks out from behind a stack of boxes filled to the brim with parts and yells "I'M FINISHED!!!" I throw myself out of the chair, straight up.
"Is Wolborg okay...?" I softly reply to an over excited Kenny.
"YES! But.. I had to re-make him. He's totally different now.
"How so?" I ask.
"Come look!" he flips out his laptop, a new sleek design. More modern. I like it. He then goes into an endless explanation that makes Tyson and I both question the laws of physics and our existence. We just reply by saying "Okay." and nodding and smiling. Keney then proceeds to hand over three things- a grip, a beylauncher, and Wolborg.
"What's it called?" I asked.
"Blizzard Wolborg B:CD!"
"What does that B:CD thing stand for?"
"Bearing Core Drive! The Bearing Core keeps it spinnign for what seems like an eternity, and the Drive is to speed up Wolborg to make him spin even longer!" I reply with just "Wow."
"Yo Tala, stay over tonight. Subway's closed, and we have a spare room." says Tyson from across the room.
"Well... Guess I don't have a choice."
"Nope!" he and Kenny both laugh, and I crack a weak smile.
I go to sleep, holding Wolborg in my palm.
"Thank you... Blade..Breakers." and I fall asleep. I wake up before Tyson and Kenny both do, but it's late in the morning. 10 A.M. I find a piece of paper, some tape, and a pen. I write a short and straight to the point note, and place it on the door. "Thanks. I'll come back someday, maybe soon."
I walk out of the store.
The nostalgia is flowing through me like a river as I gaze at Blizzard Wolborg.
It's time to relive what I left behind.
Cool, I like it. Much better than the old one. What I don't get is, Tala's in Russia, yet the train station uses Yen.
Hah, good point. I know there are many flaws in the story, thank you for pointing that out. Fixed.
I feel as if I use the word "I" too much. Any suggestions?
awsome you put in ginka/ginga and brought tyson and kenny back
And I plan on adding them to the story even more, especially Ginga. The girl that Tala saw at the Sub Station I will also try to add to the story as well. CH 2 (Revised) probably won't be a thing like the first CH 2, but I'll probably bring it back later in the story IF I do what I think I might be doing. Gonna have to think on CH 2 for a bit.
(Dec. 09, 2011  7:54 AM)Raigeko13 Wrote: And I plan on adding them to the story even more, especially Ginga. The girl that Tala saw at the Sub Station I will also try to add to the story as well. CH 2 (Revised) probably won't be a thing like the first CH 2, but I'll probably bring it back later in the story IF I do what I think I might be doing. Gonna have to think on CH 2 for a bit.

Great cant wait see ch.2
Yay im back hey are still doing this story? Plz say u still are