My First Story - Tala's MFB Reincarnation

Poll: What do you think of my first story?

Great! I like it!
88.89%
32
It's pretty good I guess.
5.56%
2
It needs some work.
0%
0
It's bad, needs a lot of work on it.
5.56%
2
Total: 100% 36 vote(s)
Tala - His MFB Story

Chapter 1 - Time to begin anew. (Original)
Chapter 1 - Time to begin anew. (Redo)

Chapter 2 -

~METAL FIGHT BEYBLADE

This is my first story so sorry if it sounds weird Joyful_3 lol, I hope you like it! I don't mind criticism either.
ohh your talking about Tala... i thought you were talking about yourself...
Wow, first story I've read thats good, descriptive, good spelling and grammar, and interest me a lot.
Nice start, now take this momentum, and use it to your advantage. If the plot slows down, people lose interest. Grammatically sound so far, so I see no issue. Avoid repeating cliche plot lines, but if you can avoid that, this story could be pretty good.

BeyCenter: SO true, while a few gems can indeed be found, they're such a dying breed.
this does not sound wierd by the way this sounds awesome
I'm planning on taking it further o: with Tala fighting a few people from MFB, but I suck at describing battles. Anyone want me to continue?
you should continue.. im good at writing battles so i could co write with you and make the battles. I can also review this story if you want.
I don't really care much o: I personally don't want to go into the battles, I was too scared to go through with the Final Fantasy Graphic contest. Do whatever you like, I don't really mind Tongue_out
so i can write the battles?
Sure, I guess Tongue_out If I like em I'll add em.
cool, i dunno im kind of busy actually so i might not make one but i'll try.
Ehh, idc. I'll still give writing battles a shot (not fighting here on the WBO, in story) and see if everyone likes them.
okay, no worries
I'll get to writing the rest of the story sometime later either today, or this week Tongue_out next story I'm thinking on reuniting Tala and his team maybe... Or should he have his own mature MFB team? What do you guys think?
100% good story.
Actually your poll just only have 2 options:
Pretty good and I like it Grin
Nice story man, the fact it's well written, unlike most of the carp in this forum, means you're already going well.

Not gonna actually form an opinion on the story itself until it's actually started, though.

No opinion on what to do in future, other than don't accept character requests from people, it cheapens stories, just focus on the storytelling, and if you see someone's OC that you like, ask them if you can use it. That's what the better fanfic writers do, if they include OC's at all.

His team were always pretty meh, but writing up a whole set of new characters, unless you are particularly good at character writing without doing a "profile" (because that's cheap and unprofessional), then you'll end up with a lot of shallow characters. If you DO reuse old characters, try to pick up and include their original personality quirks, and don't stray too far from the original depictions.
awesome u have a very creative mind too i never thought that a story like this will come up on wbo in which old bey guys will return back with current beys

truly epic
Awsome story make a second one plz.
(Jul. 18, 2011  11:22 AM)th!nk Wrote: Nice story man, the fact it's well written, unlike most of the carp in this forum, means you're already going well.

Not gonna actually form an opinion on the story itself until it's actually started, though.

No opinion on what to do in future, other than don't accept character requests from people, it cheapens stories, just focus on the storytelling, and if you see someone's OC that you like, ask them if you can use it. That's what the better fanfic writers do, if they include OC's at all.

His team were always pretty meh, but writing up a whole set of new characters, unless you are particularly good at character writing without doing a "profile" (because that's cheap and unprofessional), then you'll end up with a lot of shallow characters. If you DO reuse old characters, try to pick up and include their original personality quirks, and don't stray too far from the original depictions.
Took the words out of my mouth, Th!nk. I've been saying for months "Don't use other's characters unless you really NEED to." People tend to listen to you more, I wonder why?

Regardless, quit it with the "Make a second one, plz!" It comes off as bossy and lame. Just stop. He'll get to it when he gets to it.
@th!nk
I didn't really plan on taking character reqs lol. Since plastics is making a comeback, I felt this was needed Tongue_out I'm still trying to decide whether to make a new team or bring back the old one. I can't remember their attitudes, and I'm not really able to watch the anime, so I might not do that. Idk.
Meteo LDrago & Xlr8
Thanks guys!
@Goldenpegasus64
I most likely will! The question is - When?
For maybe one of the first times on the WBO, I read the entire chapter through. It was that worth it Joyful_2

A few tips:
1. It sometimes can seem formal when you put the [s]he said, asked, ect in front of the quotes. Sometimes, stories can work better if they're behind.

2. The problem with not using OC's is that you have to match the personality to a T. This doesn't feel...Tala. He's cold, unfeeling, sometimes even cocky. Try to show that when you use him.
Really? The first time you've read a whole chapter all the way through here? Wow! Thanks man! Grin And I know I kind of missed the personality of Tala, but I was kind of aiming to keep a bit of his cold side and make him nicer, because he's 19 now, people change (he has a wife too, so he has to be nice Tongue_out). Not sure whether or not that would work out well with the story though, I'll make up my mind eventually once I get to writing the next chapter. And what did you mean by being formal in 1.? I didn't really get that, haha.
Wow. That was actually a pretty good read. Keep up the good work. I can't wait for the next chapter.
Ah, i may say something:
You can describe about Blizzard Wolborg, as nobody knows what actually it is.
We have a rough idea. He's only just got the thing, so yeah. Plus, while you do want to be descriptive, you want to go easy on getting bogged down in pages of descriptions.