World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc. Off-Topic Forums Your Creations

Luke's Beyblading Journey

Jul. 11, 2011  11:30 PM
 
Prologue: Luke was just a regular 13 year old boy, who had became interested in beyblading because of his friends...but didn't have a beyblade of his own. He would sit in class doing whatever his teacher asks. By the end of school, he had homework from just about every one of his classes. Right when he entered his home he would he his mom yell, "Honey, homework time!" from the kitchen. With his face deep in his Science book, he lifts his head and takes a peek at his clock hanging on his wall. It reads 7:58. "Oh no! It's almost time!", he thinks in his head. He picks his pencil back up, finishes his Science homework, and hurries down stairs in a single minute. "Mom, I'm done with homework! Can I use your laptop now?", he yells to his mom. "Uhmm, sure..." , she says unsurely. "THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!" , he hugs his mom, picks up her laptop, and rushes to his room. He places the laptop on his bed and pulls up the popular beyblading site, Beyblade Entertainment . com. This website recently became his favorite since he found out it aired five battles each weeknight starting at 8:00. This was the average day before Luke's Beyblading Journey began!
Jul. 11, 2011  11:51 PM
 
Sounds interesting enough. You managed not to SPAM the story with dialogue. Good for you!
Now a few tips:
1. I think you changed the tense around the middle. You went from using was to is.
2. You didn't have a lot of dialogue, but you didn't have enough description, either. How did he find that site? Was he a beyblader currently? Also, describe scenes. Was his room messy? Did his mom look ready to cook him for dinner that night?
Jul. 13, 2011  12:57 AM
 
This is actually a nice story!! It sounds good! I want more Smile
Jul. 13, 2011  1:23 AM
 
well it sounds good enough for a prologue but i would expect more from the chapters... and yeah i agree with sparta... you went from 'he had become interested...' to ' he picks his pencil back up' try stick to one tense but otherwise good luck...
Jul. 13, 2011  3:28 AM
 
oh carp..so sorry about that lol. ya, i didn't read over it because i had to do the prologue on my phone Grin
but i'll start Chapter 1 when i get up tomorrow morning and i'll probably to Chapter 2 as well.
Also, if you would like to submit characters to be used in the story then I'll need.
Name: Partner/Beyblade(that includes the part names): Attitude: Appearance:
Any characters submitted will not be used until Chapter 3. Thanks Grin
Jul. 13, 2011  3:45 AM
 
A little grammar errors.
Jul. 13, 2011  4:03 AM
 
like i said, i had to do it on my phone so sorry Unhappy
all the chapters will have better grammar
Jul. 13, 2011  4:13 AM
 
Sorry, I didn't see that.
Jul. 13, 2011  4:18 AM
 
haha, it's ok. any others things?
Jul. 14, 2011  5:28 PM
 
Chapter One: " 3, 2, 1, LET IT RIP!", Luke's alarm-clock yells. "Ugggh, seven o'clock already?", Luke says to himself as he turns off his alarm-clock. At that moment, he remembers what today is, "Atoya Town's Beyblading Qualifying Tournament Day One." Atoya Town is the town that Luke was born and raised in. Each year, it holds a beyblading tournament and it starts off with three days of a qualifying tournament to see who is at least decent at beyblading. The qualifying tournament consists of four battle royals each of the three days. These battle royals have four bladers going against each other. Luke quickly gets his clothes on, rushes downstairs, and yells "Bye, love you mom!", as he zips right out the front door. He runs down to his friend Jack's house. *KNOCK* *KNOCK* *KNOCK* Jack opens the door and tells Luke to "Come on in!" He and Jack walk into the living room to be greeted by some more of Luke's friends. There is Dominic, the beyblading mechanic of the group, Josh, the hotshot, and Mark, the silent one. Jack however was the enthusiastic one, who always encourages you. All four of Luke's friends are entering the tournament, but Luke can't because he does not have a beyblade. But that doesn't effect him so much anymore, since he has learned to deal with it. "Well, now that we have the group together, let's head out!", Jack says. So they all begin the short walk to the Atoya Town BeyDome. When they walk in they immediately see a change in BeyDome's stadiums, each one has a different theme! Luke heads over to the bleachers as his friends go and sign up. When he sits, Jack sits next to him. "You aren't entering?", Luke asks. "Ofcourse I'm entering! They said my battle royal won't be until tomorrow though.", Jack said, sounding disappointed. "Oh, I'm sorry abou-", and before Luke can finish his sentence, the announcer's voice comes blaring the the speakers. "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, people of all ages, it's time for Atoya Town's Qualifying Tournament to begin! First up, Battle Royal A!" As he completes his announcement, four bladers appear around a stadium that had a model city inside of it. One of the bladers was Mark. "Audience, would you please start the countdown?", the announcer says. "3,2,1, LET IT RIP!", they all yell. The bladers launch there beyblades all of them are attacking each other except for Mark's. Mark's beyblade is Poison Aquario ED145MS. Mark customized it to become a pure defensive beyblade, and it shows. As all the other bladers realize that Mark isn't attacking, one yells "Everybody, gang up on the chicken!" All the bladers seem to agree and they charge at Poison Aquario, but Poison Aquario's defense proves to be to much to handle, since two of the beyblades that make contact with Aquario are sent flying out of the stadium. With one beyblade left, Mark decides to go on offense. "Poison Aquario, TOXIC TIDAL WAVE!" Once Mark commanded Poison Aquario to use its special move, Aquario began attacking the remaining beyblade until it stops spinning. "Here is your winner of Battle Royal A, Mark!"
To be continued...tomorrow...