Hey guys, this is my first story after joining the WBO, and even though I'm just new, my boyfriend (Jake Hagane) taught me a few things. Feedback would be great! Thanks!

Characters:

Spoiler (Click to View)

Deana Akuma (Me)

Ponī Baioretto

Yuga Oku

Prologue

Spoiler (Click to View)

I am definitely not ready for this. A mission. Joining an agency? I just received this invitation out of nowhere. A man in a business suit specifically said he was hiring skilled Bladers to the WBBA. They were looking for worthy agents to help them in their travels. But there's one thing in my way...

Am I ready for this?

Chapter 1

Spoiler (Click to View)

“Director, our new recruits have arrived,”

A group of teenagers walked down the wide, black hallways as I walked to my meeting with the agency members. I walked through the glass, automatic door into a room that had great lighting. The room was full of kids with blue and purple uniforms sitting around a round green table. The Directors’ assistant, Ponī Baioretto, walked into the room with a briefcase.

“So, when do we start?” I asked as Ponī looked at me with a false smile.

“Miss Akuma, please be patient,” She said as she placed a cup of coffee on the table we sat at. Ponī sat in the chair beside mine and propped her things beside her coffee.

“So, you guys should know that you will be given some items to help with your missions,” She said as a kid stood up.

“Umm, what do we get?” Asked the kid in curiosity as Ponī handed us each a package about the same size. We opened them up to find 3-Segment launcher grips and string launchers.

“These. Your point cards are your Agent ID,” Ponī answered as we received our point cards, each saying our names on them.
Nice to know

“Your partners are as follows, Deana Akuma and Yuga Oku,” She said as me and a kid stood up, walking towards each other and to the other side of the room with our things. “Geirī Fureimu and Mearī Oshan! Jonī Rokku and Jenifā Raifu!”
We all got to know each other, this guy Yuga however, seems weird… I looked at him as he showed me his Bey; me examining it closely.

“A Cosmic Aquario SW145D, huh?” I asked as Yuga nodded, asking:

“What’s yours?”

I showed him mine as he nodded.

“A Hades Fireblaze BD145BWD, cool in my opinion!” He said as I stuffed my black and fiery blue Bey into my pocket. I looked at Yuga as Ponī called:

“Now I’ll show you your crew rooms!”

Well, it's too early to judge, but from the prologue, the grammar and spelling are great, can't wait to see more!

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“In the course of twenty crowded years, one parts with many illusions. I did not wish to lose the early ones. Some memories are realities, and are better than anything that can ever happen again.” -Jim Burden (My Ántonia)

Thanks Dual, Chapter one was slow coming, had no time with studying, it'll come soon.

Hhm. Like Duo said, It looks very interesting. I am still learning all of this also, mostly from Jake Hagane and Duo (Trying to be a suck-up). Please let me know if you want help with your story! (Characters, PlotLine, ETC)

I am still learning all of this also, mostly from Jake Hagane and Duo (Trying to be a suck-up).

I know that this is off topic, but I'm not trying to be a suck-up, but I'm her boyfriend so it may look like that.

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STORIES:

GGO+ | Country of Birth

I am still learning all of this also, mostly from Jake Hagane and Duo (Trying to be a suck-up).

I know that this is off topic, but I'm not trying to be a suck-up, but I'm her boyfriend so it may look like that.

I was trying to be a suck up to Dual, and I was saying I was learning all of my writing stuff from both of you.

I am still learning all of this also, mostly from Jake Hagane and Duo (Trying to be a suck-up).

I know that this is off topic, but I'm not trying to be a suck-up, but I'm her boyfriend so it may look like that.

I was trying to be a suck up to Dual, and I was saying I was learning all of my writing stuff from both of you.

Ooh. Didn't understand that. Haha!

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STORIES:

GGO+ | Country of Birth

Chapter one is up, length is short but had no time, haha!

Chapter 1 is really nice! I am guessing that they are at some sort of camp... Well they DID say Agent ID, but it is to soon to judge. Keep it up!

Also, for your "Characters" section, make sure to add appearance, beyblade, and age... It really adds a nice touch to the neatness.

Chapter one is nice! Keep going!

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STORIES:

GGO+ | Country of Birth

Finally,a decent writer.Theres only a few good storymakers on here such as dual and you.Great story but I won't vote in the poll yet.

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Check out my apps on Google Play, and my official website :

http://elitepr0jects.webs.com

Time for a former popular wrtier and one of the biggest writing critics to come in and make his opinion known!

Hmmmmm...

So, right off the bat, I like your spacing in Chapter 1. It is really easy to read and it's really neat. The dialogue is also very good and well organized. The only criticism is length. Chapter 1 is far too short. Add things to your story that coincide well with what you have, even if it's something simple, like describing the color of the beyblades or giving a small background of the characters.

Overall though, I like it!

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Come check out my Youtube Channel here! It's all about video games!

/Demon/, your story is awesome.. Let the story rock & roll..and continue writing...will be waiting for next chapter..cheers.