Shun:The darkness in maiden grows with every battle. Let's Go MAIDEN! Apocalypse Burn!
Chapter 1 Awaken from your slumber Maiden!
Chapter 1 Awaken from your slumber Maiden!
[Fan Fiction] Beyblade Burst Rush! Maiden's story!(Beyblade burst apocalypse rewrite!)
![[Image: 107-D2464-D868-4-CE2-A859-686-EE150-EB1-A.png]](https://i.postimg.cc/mD6NwgGm/107-D2464-D868-4-CE2-A859-686-EE150-EB1-A.png)
Before I forget me and my buddy Jupiter are now the writers for beyblade burst apocalypse so enjoy.
This is more of beyblade fanfic now. I will make a romance version if requested
Chapter 1 Awaken from your slumber Maiden!
This is more of beyblade fanfic now. I will make a romance version if requested
Chapter 1 Awaken from your slumber Maiden!
The Jupiter edit chapter 1:
Hello there, my name is Shun Lisa Kurenai, I’m the sister to Shu Kurenai, and this is my story. My story begins at my house where my brother got by my bed to wake me up. “Wake up Shun it’s time to go to you’re entrance exams to the Beyblade academy of America [BAA for short]” Shu told me. I got up and did the usual and we got to the school. Shu then told me “hey it’s okay if you don’t make it. I want you to know that no matter what I will love you as long as you try your best and have fun out there, now go and never give up.” Twenty minutes passed of me pacing back and forth in the waiting room until the test proctor came. “Shun Kurenai is it? Came here into the test room.” The two go into the room for the interview.
“So Shun this is the interview section where we just get a few basic notes on your bey. First question, what is you’re bey’s name?” The proctor asked
“It’s universal maiden.” I replied
“What parts do you use?”
“I use 1S sting and xtend+”
“Excellent just one more question until we move onto the battle assessment. What type of bey do you use and what gimmicks does it have if any?”
“It’s a right spin balance type with no gimmicks.”
“Thank you please proceed onwards to the battle arena.”
The announcer said “Shun Kurenai please proceed to stadium number 5,” after 20 minutes. Once she got there she was faced with her opponent, Valt Aoi, and the battle began. Maiden and Valkyrie hit eachother with the speed of bullets matching each blow with the battle only getting faster and more aggressive.
“Well Shun you came quite far, but this is where it ends. Brave Flash!” Valt exclaimed
“Maiden use Maiden’s time,” I shouted. There was a swirl of light, but then Valkyrie pushes through and bursts maiden.
“That was an amazing battle Shun. You really are Shu’s sister.” Back at home Shu asked me “So how did it go? Did it go fine do you think you got in.”
I told him “The interview part was really easy and I passed the learning exam with flying colors, but I lost in my exhibition battle, but it was to Valt Aoi so I don’t know how I’ll perform, we’ll see.” Some days passed when Shu came around and passed me a letter telling me “the results came in, let’s check it together.” The letter read the following “Dear Shun Lisa Kurenai, we are happy to announce that you have been accepted into the BAA.” For me at this moment I couldn’t have been any more happier. I hugged Shu hard and he told me, “well Shun you’re ready to go into the world of beyblade. Make me proud and oh yeah tonight I’m making pasta”
“It’s a deal” I told him as I hugged him. At the train to the academy he told me “Shun tomorrow you leave, now I know that growing up Mom and Dad weren’t always there for us, but we made this locket with a family photo so that you always remember us. Now go Shun and stay happy.”
End of chapter 1
Thoughts: DeltaZakuro, kai edits, and CheetoBlader. On a scale of 1-5 how much of a improvement is this chapter? (Ignoring grammar since it’s been so long since I’ve learned that)
Hello there, my name is Shun Lisa Kurenai, I’m the sister to Shu Kurenai, and this is my story. My story begins at my house where my brother got by my bed to wake me up. “Wake up Shun it’s time to go to you’re entrance exams to the Beyblade academy of America [BAA for short]” Shu told me. I got up and did the usual and we got to the school. Shu then told me “hey it’s okay if you don’t make it. I want you to know that no matter what I will love you as long as you try your best and have fun out there, now go and never give up.” Twenty minutes passed of me pacing back and forth in the waiting room until the test proctor came. “Shun Kurenai is it? Came here into the test room.” The two go into the room for the interview.
“So Shun this is the interview section where we just get a few basic notes on your bey. First question, what is you’re bey’s name?” The proctor asked
“It’s universal maiden.” I replied
“What parts do you use?”
“I use 1S sting and xtend+”
“Excellent just one more question until we move onto the battle assessment. What type of bey do you use and what gimmicks does it have if any?”
“It’s a right spin balance type with no gimmicks.”
“Thank you please proceed onwards to the battle arena.”
The announcer said “Shun Kurenai please proceed to stadium number 5,” after 20 minutes. Once she got there she was faced with her opponent, Valt Aoi, and the battle began. Maiden and Valkyrie hit eachother with the speed of bullets matching each blow with the battle only getting faster and more aggressive.
“Well Shun you came quite far, but this is where it ends. Brave Flash!” Valt exclaimed
“Maiden use Maiden’s time,” I shouted. There was a swirl of light, but then Valkyrie pushes through and bursts maiden.
“That was an amazing battle Shun. You really are Shu’s sister.” Back at home Shu asked me “So how did it go? Did it go fine do you think you got in.”
I told him “The interview part was really easy and I passed the learning exam with flying colors, but I lost in my exhibition battle, but it was to Valt Aoi so I don’t know how I’ll perform, we’ll see.” Some days passed when Shu came around and passed me a letter telling me “the results came in, let’s check it together.” The letter read the following “Dear Shun Lisa Kurenai, we are happy to announce that you have been accepted into the BAA.” For me at this moment I couldn’t have been any more happier. I hugged Shu hard and he told me, “well Shun you’re ready to go into the world of beyblade. Make me proud and oh yeah tonight I’m making pasta”
“It’s a deal” I told him as I hugged him. At the train to the academy he told me “Shun tomorrow you leave, now I know that growing up Mom and Dad weren’t always there for us, but we made this locket with a family photo so that you always remember us. Now go Shun and stay happy.”
End of chapter 1
Thoughts: DeltaZakuro, kai edits, and CheetoBlader. On a scale of 1-5 how much of a improvement is this chapter? (Ignoring grammar since it’s been so long since I’ve learned that)
(Apr. 10, 2021 4:47 AM)6Jupiter5 Wrote: The Jupiter edit chapter 1:
Hello there, my name is Shun Lisa Kurenai, I’m the sister to Shu Kurenai, and this is my story. My story begins at my house where my brother got by my bed to wake me up. “Wake up Shun it’s time to go to you’re entrance exams to the Beyblade academy of America [BAA for short]” Shu told me. I got up and did the usual and we got to the school. Shu then told me “hey it’s okay if you don’t make it. I want you to know that no matter what I will love you as long as you try your best and have fun out there, now go and never give up.” Twenty minutes passed of me pacing back and forth in the waiting room until the test proctor came. “Shun Kurenai is it? Came here into the test room.” The two go into the room for the interview.
“So Shun this is the interview section where we just get a few basic notes on your bey. First question, what is you’re bey’s name?” The proctor asked
“It’s universal maiden.” I replied
“What parts do you use?”
“I use 1S sting and xtend+”
“Excellent just one more question until we move onto the battle assessment. What type of bey do you use and what gimmicks does it have if any?”
“It’s a right spin balance type with no gimmicks.”
“Thank you please proceed onwards to the battle arena.”
The announcer said “Shun Kurenai please proceed to stadium number 5,” after 20 minutes. Once she got there she was faced with her opponent, Valt Aoi, and the battle began. Maiden and Valkyrie hit eachother with the speed of bullets matching each blow with the battle only getting faster and more aggressive.
“Well Shun you came quite far, but this is where it ends. Brave Flash!” Valt exclaimed
“Maiden use Maiden’s time,” I shouted. There was a swirl of light, but then Valkyrie pushes through and bursts maiden.
“That was an amazing battle Shun. You really are Shu’s sister.” Back at home Shu asked me “So how did it go? Did it go fine do you think you got in.”
I told him “The interview part was really easy and I passed the learning exam with flying colors, but I lost in my exhibition battle, but it was to Valt Aoi so I don’t know how I’ll perform, we’ll see.” Some days passed when Shu came around and passed me a letter telling me “the results came in, let’s check it together.” The letter read the following “Dear Shun Lisa Kurenai, we are happy to announce that you have been accepted into the BAA.” For me at this moment I couldn’t have been any more happier. I hugged Shu hard and he told me, “well Shun you’re ready to go into the world of beyblade. Make me proud and oh yeah tonight I’m making pasta”
“It’s a deal” I told him as I hugged him. At the train to the academy he told me “Shun tomorrow you leave, now I know that growing up Mom and Dad weren’t always there for us, but we made this locket with a family photo so that you always remember us. Now go Shun and stay happy.”
End of chapter 1
Thoughts: DeltaZakuro, kai edits, and CheetoBlader. On a scale of 1-5 how much of a improvement is this chapter? (Ignoring grammar since it’s been so long since I’ve learned that)
Can I share my thoughts of this chapter?
![[Image: giphy.gif]](https://media.giphy.com/media/tOUKt6obtJJtZmXHFD/giphy.gif)
(Apr. 10, 2021 4:54 AM)Ryuga's Son Wrote:(Apr. 10, 2021 4:47 AM)6Jupiter5 Wrote: The Jupiter edit chapter 1:
Hello there, my name is Shun Lisa Kurenai, I’m the sister to Shu Kurenai, and this is my story. My story begins at my house where my brother got by my bed to wake me up. “Wake up Shun it’s time to go to you’re entrance exams to the Beyblade academy of America [BAA for short]” Shu told me. I got up and did the usual and we got to the school. Shu then told me “hey it’s okay if you don’t make it. I want you to know that no matter what I will love you as long as you try your best and have fun out there, now go and never give up.” Twenty minutes passed of me pacing back and forth in the waiting room until the test proctor came. “Shun Kurenai is it? Came here into the test room.” The two go into the room for the interview.
“So Shun this is the interview section where we just get a few basic notes on your bey. First question, what is you’re bey’s name?” The proctor asked
“It’s universal maiden.” I replied
“What parts do you use?”
“I use 1S sting and xtend+”
“Excellent just one more question until we move onto the battle assessment. What type of bey do you use and what gimmicks does it have if any?”
“It’s a right spin balance type with no gimmicks.”
“Thank you please proceed onwards to the battle arena.”
The announcer said “Shun Kurenai please proceed to stadium number 5,” after 20 minutes. Once she got there she was faced with her opponent, Valt Aoi, and the battle began. Maiden and Valkyrie hit eachother with the speed of bullets matching each blow with the battle only getting faster and more aggressive.
“Well Shun you came quite far, but this is where it ends. Brave Flash!” Valt exclaimed
“Maiden use Maiden’s time,” I shouted. There was a swirl of light, but then Valkyrie pushes through and bursts maiden.
“That was an amazing battle Shun. You really are Shu’s sister.” Back at home Shu asked me “So how did it go? Did it go fine do you think you got in.”
I told him “The interview part was really easy and I passed the learning exam with flying colors, but I lost in my exhibition battle, but it was to Valt Aoi so I don’t know how I’ll perform, we’ll see.” Some days passed when Shu came around and passed me a letter telling me “the results came in, let’s check it together.” The letter read the following “Dear Shun Lisa Kurenai, we are happy to announce that you have been accepted into the BAA.” For me at this moment I couldn’t have been any more happier. I hugged Shu hard and he told me, “well Shun you’re ready to go into the world of beyblade. Make me proud and oh yeah tonight I’m making pasta”
“It’s a deal” I told him as I hugged him. At the train to the academy he told me “Shun tomorrow you leave, now I know that growing up Mom and Dad weren’t always there for us, but we made this locket with a family photo so that you always remember us. Now go Shun and stay happy.”
End of chapter 1
Thoughts: DeltaZakuro, kai edits, and CheetoBlader. On a scale of 1-5 how much of a improvement is this chapter? (Ignoring grammar since it’s been so long since I’ve learned that)
Can I share my thoughts of this chapter?
Yes you can.
It's great. Your a better writer when it comes to beyblade lol.
(Apr. 10, 2021 4:56 AM)6Jupiter5 Wrote:(Apr. 10, 2021 4:54 AM)Ryuga\s Son Wrote: Can I share my thoughts of this chapter?
Yes you can.
Okay so ignoring grammar, I would rate the chapter a 8.2/10. The chapter is fairly a awesome start, but I would like it if you had spaces when someone talks. For example:
"Shu Kurenai! The Ultimate Champion! Shall fight Shun Kurenai!"
(Space)
"I accept"
Also maybe you can add some new features and stuff. More dramatic and more description. This is good, but nothing's perfect.
You made a error maiden is a left spin.
(Apr. 10, 2021 9:17 PM)6Jupiter5 Wrote:It's all good lol. It took years for me to write apocalypse. I just need to get my motivation back then i will start writing fanfics again(Apr. 10, 2021 9:15 PM)kai edits Wrote: You made a error maiden is a left spin.
My bad. Will note from now on.
Next Chapter name is
Chapter 2 Maiden's scary secret/Drum vs Shun!
(Apr. 10, 2021 9:17 PM)6Jupiter5 Wrote:(Apr. 10, 2021 9:15 PM)kai edits Wrote: You made a error maiden is a left spin.
My bad. Will note from now on.
Well, my fan fics have a lot of that stuff, like how Shinobu's (from Shogun Steel) Bey is a stamina type but I made it work like a attack type.
(Apr. 10, 2021 9:19 PM)kai edits Wrote:(Apr. 10, 2021 9:17 PM)6Jupiter5 Wrote: My bad. Will note from now on.It's all good lol. It took years for me to write apocalypse. I just need to get my motivation back then i will start writing fanfics again
Next Chapter name is
Chapter 2 Maiden's scary secret/Drum vs Shun!
Yo, that's the best Chapter name, excited for the next chapter.
Due to my ability to not able to write with hands(shoulder injury came back) I must on the emergency give someone the right to rewrite my fanfic. So pm me quick.
(I have a problem with my right shoulder due to playing sports and sparing/fighting my friends)
(I have a problem with my right shoulder due to playing sports and sparing/fighting my friends)
(May. 05, 2021 1:13 AM)kai edits Wrote: Due to my ability to not able to write with hands(shoulder injury came back) I must on the emergency give someone the right to rewrite my fanfic. So pm me quick.
(I have a problem with my right shoulder due to playing sports and sparing/fighting my friends)
Oh that must hurt
Sadly no one is well to write this so I am going to try to write.
This fanfic is gonna be just battles no romance.
(Well in the original there was and it was cool)
Remember I am more into the horror and romance then battles.
This fanfic is gonna be just battles no romance.
(Well in the original there was and it was cool)
Remember I am more into the horror and romance then battles.
(May. 05, 2021 5:06 PM)kai edits Wrote: Sadly no one is well to write this so I am going to try to write.
This fanfic is gonna be just battles no romance.
(Well in the original there was and it was cool)
Remember I am more into the horror and romance then battles.
I legit PM-ed you to rewrite your story because I was in the mood to write :/
would undo my offer if I'm no longer in the mood, so make your decision.
![[Image: 134.png]](https://www.serebii.net/pokedex-swsh/icon/134.png){kind=icon}
(May. 06, 2021 8:10 AM)tenma Wrote:Bro I am trying to get back into writing. Try losing someone close to you and be depressed. I lost my girlfriend. She broke up with me .(May. 05, 2021 5:06 PM)kai edits Wrote: Sadly no one is well to write this so I am going to try to write.
This fanfic is gonna be just battles no romance.
(Well in the original there was and it was cool)
Remember I am more into the horror and romance then battles.
I legit PM-ed you to rewrite your story because I was in the mood to write
would undo my offer if I'm no longer in the mood, so make your decision.
(May. 06, 2021 1:41 PM)kai edits Wrote:(May. 06, 2021 8:10 AM)tenma Wrote: I legit PM-ed you to rewrite your story because I was in the mood to writeBro I am trying to get back into writing. Try losing someone close to you and be depressed. I lost my girlfriend. She broke up with me .
would undo my offer if I'm no longer in the mood, so make your decision.
You just ignored everything tenma just said, and their PM too.
And stop using all that stuff as an excuse. While it may be true (which I’m slightly doubting at this point) it doesn’t give you an excuse to weasel your way out of things.
If you’re actually depressed, stop announcing it here and get help.
(May. 06, 2021 1:41 PM)kai edits Wrote:(May. 06, 2021 8:10 AM)tenma Wrote: I legit PM-ed you to rewrite your story because I was in the mood to writeBro I am trying to get back into writing. Try losing someone close to you and be depressed. I lost my girlfriend. She broke up with me .
would undo my offer if I'm no longer in the mood, so make your decision.
losing your girl has nothing to do with re-writing your story. if it bothers you that much then go out into the world and find another and get over her. its as simple as that.
![[Image: im-coming-for-you-ghostface.gif]](https://i.postimg.cc/yxDQrdSs/im-coming-for-you-ghostface.gif)
(May. 06, 2021 9:07 PM)CheetoBlader Wrote:I take like 2-4 pills for my depression. Try being in my shoes for once.(May. 06, 2021 1:41 PM)kai edits Wrote: Bro I am trying to get back into writing. Try losing someone close to you and be depressed. I lost my girlfriend. She broke up with me .
You just ignored everything tenma just said, and their PM too.
And stop using all that stuff as an excuse. While it may be true (which I’m slightly doubting at this point) it doesn’t give you an excuse to weasel your way out of things.
If you’re actually depressed, stop announcing it here and get help.
uh
this is really confusing
first you ask someone to help with rewriting your story, then when i offered, you blatantly rejected me?? ??
what
this is really confusing
first you ask someone to help with rewriting your story, then when i offered, you blatantly rejected me?? ??
what
(May. 06, 2021 11:27 PM)kai edits Wrote:Yes, we know it can be hard, but I don't think that you should talk about this specific topic on this website. Since it may influence others. Also, we don't have anyone who is qualified to deal with this stuff.(May. 06, 2021 9:07 PM)CheetoBlader Wrote: You just ignored everything tenma just said, and their PM too.I take like 2-4 pills for my depression. Try being in my shoes for once.
And stop using all that stuff as an excuse. While it may be true (which I’m slightly doubting at this point) it doesn’t give you an excuse to weasel your way out of things.
If you’re actually depressed, stop announcing it here and get help.
(May. 06, 2021 11:27 PM)kai edits Wrote:(May. 06, 2021 9:07 PM)CheetoBlader Wrote: You just ignored everything tenma just said, and their PM too.I take like 2-4 pills for my depression. Try being in my shoes for once.
And stop using all that stuff as an excuse. While it may be true (which I’m slightly doubting at this point) it doesn’t give you an excuse to weasel your way out of things.
If you’re actually depressed, stop announcing it here and get help.
Alright, here I go.
I wake up to see a text from my significant other, saying that they break up with me. I cry about it, I get over it, and I don’t use it as an excuse online.
You don’t need to make up excuses or use excuses. It’s not that hard to say “Oh sorry my bad didn’t see the PM” or “Hey sorry for not communicating on this, I actually decided to write this myself, sorry for the inconvenience” instead.
You’re constantly ignoring what we say and just going with a “I’m depressed get in my shoes” and it needs to stop.