(May. 21, 2021 4:38 PM)JJustice Wrote: \\\when chapter 1 starting?
(May. 21, 2021 4:41 PM)Strikegamerv6 Wrote:(May. 21, 2021 4:38 PM)JJustice Wrote: \\\when chapter 1 starting?
I need to finish Bionic Battles but the reason why I opened this early was so I could put in some leeks and people could regestier
Also USN your name has to start with the same letter your Beyblade name starts with the letter that your name starts with.
(May. 21, 2021 4:55 PM)Strikegamerv6 Wrote: Name: Vlad Aoi
Age: 12
Hair color: Blue
Eye color: Brown
Clothes: Valt's Turbo Clothes
Personality: Very energetic he is also a 3D printing master he can use anything to create anything. He was the creator of the Dynachi system. He wants to live us to his Uncle Valt Aoi and become the next World Champion. He loves beyblading as much as he loves his friends and rivals.
Bey Name: Valiant Valtrek Weigt 1x2 Gear R Disk Stinging Blade Driver Heroic Reboot.
Gimmick: The Dynachi Ring has bound blades and the R gear aligns with it to make the bound attacks more powerful.
(May. 21, 2021 4:51 PM)USN Wrote:(May. 21, 2021 4:41 PM)Strikegamerv6 Wrote: I need to finish Bionic Battles but the reason why I opened this early was so I could put in some leeks and people could register
Also USN your name has to start with the same letter your Beyblade name starts with the letter that your name starts with.
I am very confused about how this works so I am just not going to enter.
(May. 21, 2021 5:12 PM)Dark red Wrote: Me
Name: Ryuji Kiyama
Age: 12
Personality: Ryuji is a spoiled rich kid who attempts to show his opponents that he's the strongest blader in Japan. He also has his own entourage of kids who are loyal to him and follow him everywhere he goes. He also disrespects Rantaro, Ranjiro, and Ranzo despite them being his second cousins.
What you look like (Optional): Ryuji is a slightly tanned boy with spiky blond hair with green eyes. He wears an open yellow jacket (with short sleeves), an orange T-shirt under it (with a horned demon emblem), khaki shorts, long white socks, and black and white sneakers (Converse btw). He also wears white and orange headphones around his neck. Despite Ryuji being part of the Kiyama, he looks nothing like Rantaro, Ranjiro, or Ranzo. Matter of fact, Ryuji created his Bey just show that he's a better blader than the rest of them.
BeyBlade: Devil Ragnaruk Crag Never'
Cho-z Layer - Devil Ragnaruk: Devil Ragnaruk is a Right -Spin Stamina layer with a horned demon motif facing the left ( a demon head with horns and red eyes). The main color scheme of the layer is red and orange with a little white. The layer's gimmick is when spinning at top speed it will pop out its two big metal wings inside it. Also, these two metal wings are Burst Stoppers and can be pushed in with enough force. The layer is also round and heavy.
Crag - Crag is a heavy metal forge disc outclassing the 00 disc by 1 gram. It's also symmetrical proving great stamina for Bey combos.
Never - The same type of driver from Cyclone Ragnaruk but better.
Special Moves:
Devil Wing Attack - Devil Ragnaruk goes on the offensive, channeling its energy into its metal wings for a strong attack on the opposing bey.
Devil Wing Smash - Devil Ragnaruk does an attack from above, using its heavy gravity to smash the opposing beys downward.
Devil Wing Storm - Devil Ragnaruk uses its high velocity to creates an orange hurricane, wearing the opposing bey's stamina out.
(May. 21, 2021 5:12 PM)Dark red Wrote: Me
Name: Ryuji Kiyama
Age: 12
Personality: Ryuji is a spoiled rich kid who attempts to show his opponents that he's the strongest blader in Japan. He also has his own entourage of kids who are loyal to him and follow him everywhere he goes. He also disrespects Rantaro, Ranjiro, and Ranzo despite them being his second cousins.
What you look like (Optional): Ryuji is a slightly tanned boy with spiky blond hair with green eyes. He wears an open yellow jacket (with short sleeves), an orange T-shirt under it (with a horned demon emblem), khaki shorts, long white socks, and black and white sneakers (Converse btw). He also wears white and orange headphones around his neck. Despite Ryuji being part of the Kiyama, he looks nothing like Rantaro, Ranjiro, or Ranzo. Matter of fact, Ryuji created his Bey just show that he's a better blader than the rest of them.
BeyBlade: Devil Ragnaruk Crag Never'
Cho-z Layer - Devil Ragnaruk: Devil Ragnaruk is a Right -Spin Stamina layer with a horned demon motif facing the left ( a demon head with horns and red eyes). The main color scheme of the layer is red and orange with a little white. The layer's gimmick is when spinning at top speed it will pop out its two big metal wings inside it. Also, these two metal wings are Burst Stoppers and can be pushed in with enough force. The layer is also round and heavy.
Crag - Crag is a heavy metal forge disc outclassing the 00 disc by 1 gram. It's also symmetrical proving great stamina for Bey combos.
Never - The same type of driver from Cyclone Ragnaruk but better.
Special Moves:
Devil Wing Attack - Devil Ragnaruk goes on the offensive, channeling its energy into its metal wings for a strong attack on the opposing bey.
Devil Wing Smash - Devil Ragnaruk does an attack from above, using its heavy gravity to smash the opposing beys downward.
Devil Wing Storm - Devil Ragnaruk uses its high velocity to creates an orange hurricane, wearing the opposing bey's stamina out.
(May. 21, 2021 7:13 PM)Strikegamerv6 Wrote: The first Chapter is out!!!Spoiler (Click to View)
(May. 21, 2021 7:23 PM)JJustice Wrote:(May. 21, 2021 7:13 PM)Strikegamerv6 Wrote: The first Chapter is out!!!Spoiler (Click to View)
Why do I feel like vira is so much like my sister
(May. 21, 2021 7:26 PM)Strikegamerv6 Wrote:(May. 21, 2021 7:23 PM)JJustice Wrote: Why do I feel like vira is so much like my sister
It was PinkRose idea I just added on to it a bit
(May. 22, 2021 10:36 PM)PinkRose Wrote: Aight, here goes the entry:
Name: Brooke Daikokuten
Gender: Female
Age: 16
Appearance: Brooke appears as a short teenage girl with a pale complexion, yellowish green eyes, and short red hair with one black and two magenta streaks on the left. Her usual outfit consists of a plain maroon vest that she wears under a grey denim jacket, dark jeans with straps on the kness, white boots, and a pair of fingerless, white-cuffed maroon gloves. She also wears three pins on her jacket; one is black, the other is red, and the third is white with a pink cat-like skull shape.
Personality: Brooke is a quiet and analytical individual who doesn't mess around and hardly shows interest in anything. She tends to isolate herself from others most of the time, and isn't the type to start up a conversation, prefering to spend her time alone training or studying. However, she has a bit of a manipulative side, and likes to mess with the opponent's mind whenever she can.
Relationships:
1- Bell Daikokuten:
Brooke is Bell's younger cousin, and while she used to visit him regularly when she was 4, they rarely contact each other now. Brooke still holds some respect to him though, even if she disapproves of how laid back he is at such an old age.
(Yes, I headcanon that Bell is still the same funky prankster as an adult, and still plays Beyblade even when he's like, 23 years old...
...Which also means that Brooke's Bey wasn't passed on from him if you didn't get that already)
Bey Name: Detonate Belial 6×3 M Nexus' Wander (Right-Spin Attack type)
Dynachi Chip - Belial: Belial is a horizontal Dynachi Chip featuring a demonic face to represent its namesake; Belial, the devil in Jewish and Christian texts. The Chip feature four strong teeth, and is primarily black with silver glossy lines.
Dynachi Ring - Detonate: Detonate is a Dynachi Ring featuring three jagged blades as the main contact points, where these blades are framed with hard rubber to increase recoil for higher Attack potential and have three smaller blades in-between. The Ring is mainly black, with the rubber being red and the small blades being white.
Dynachi Weight - 6×3: 6×3 is a Dynachi Weight that features six protrusions, three of which are larger than the others and aligned with the Detonate Ring's blades, to concentrate weight and power at these points. The Weight is a glossy silver color with the three big protrusions being red
Gear - M: M (Metal) is a Dynachi Gear that, as its name implies, features metal along its edges to increase Burst Attack potential. It's just solid silver.
Forge Disc - Nexus': Nexus' is a Forge Disc that has a low center of gravity due to its shape, and greater OWD (Outward Weight Distribution) than its predecessor Nexus. It also feature slightly thicker prongs which grip the Layer more tightly. The Disc is colored white.
Driver - Wander: Wander is an Attack-type Driver featuring a rubber flat tip with a circular depression in the center akin to Xtreme, and sits slightly lower than the standard height. It also features a free-spinning POM ring just above the tip, which in theory can recover stability with minimal stamina loss when knocked off-balance due to the low friction with the stadium. However, due to hard rubber it uses, Wander still has rather low stamina. The Driver is dark red, and the POW ring is black.
Special Moves (I got lazy here so I'll just explain the general idea):
1- Detonation Destructor: A powerful smash attack that uses Detonate's three blades to deliver quick successive attacks and Burst the opponent.
2- Detonate Bomber: Same as Dynamite Bomber, but it's more of an Upper Attack in this case.
3- Wandering Counter: The ring on the Driver makes contact with the stadium, changing the Bey's direction and propelling it forward at very quick speed to counterattack.
(May. 22, 2021 10:40 PM)Strikegamerv6 Wrote:(May. 22, 2021 10:36 PM)PinkRose Wrote: Aight, here goes the entry:
Name: Brooke Daikokuten
Gender: Female
Age: 16
Appearance: Brooke appears as a short teenage girl with a pale complexion, yellowish green eyes, and short red hair with one black and two magenta streaks on the left. Her usual outfit consists of a plain maroon vest that she wears under a grey denim jacket, dark jeans with straps on the kness, white boots, and a pair of fingerless, white-cuffed maroon gloves. She also wears three pins on her jacket; one is black, the other is red, and the third is white with a pink cat-like skull shape.
Personality: Brooke is a quiet and analytical individual who doesn't mess around and hardly shows interest in anything. She tends to isolate herself from others most of the time, and isn't the type to start up a conversation, prefering to spend her time alone training or studying. However, she has a bit of a manipulative side, and likes to mess with the opponent's mind whenever she can.
Relationships:
1- Bell Daikokuten:
Brooke is Bell's younger cousin, and while she used to visit him regularly when she was 4, they rarely contact each other now. Brooke still holds some respect to him though, even if she disapproves of how laid back he is at such an old age.
(Yes, I headcanon that Bell is still the same funky prankster as an adult, and still plays Beyblade even when he's like, 23 years old...
...Which also means that Brooke's Bey wasn't passed on from him if you didn't get that already)
Bey Name: Detonate Belial 6×3 M Nexus' Wander (Right-Spin Attack type)
Dynachi Chip - Belial: Belial is a horizontal Dynachi Chip featuring a demonic face to represent its namesake; Belial, the devil in Jewish and Christian texts. The Chip feature four strong teeth, and is primarily black with silver glossy lines.
Dynachi Ring - Detonate: Detonate is a Dynachi Ring featuring three jagged blades as the main contact points, where these blades are framed with hard rubber to increase recoil for higher Attack potential and have three smaller blades in-between. The Ring is mainly black, with the rubber being red and the small blades being white.
Dynachi Weight - 6×3: 6×3 is a Dynachi Weight that features six protrusions, three of which are larger than the others and aligned with the Detonate Ring's blades, to concentrate weight and power at these points. The Weight is a glossy silver color with the three big protrusions being red
Gear - M: M (Metal) is a Dynachi Gear that, as its name implies, features metal along its edges to increase Burst Attack potential. It's just solid silver.
Forge Disc - Nexus': Nexus' is a Forge Disc that has a low center of gravity due to its shape, and greater OWD (Outward Weight Distribution) than its predecessor Nexus. It also feature slightly thicker prongs which grip the Layer more tightly. The Disc is colored white.
Driver - Wander: Wander is an Attack-type Driver featuring a rubber flat tip with a circular depression in the center akin to Xtreme, and sits slightly lower than the standard height. It also features a free-spinning POM ring just above the tip, which in theory can recover stability with minimal stamina loss when knocked off-balance due to the low friction with the stadium. However, due to hard rubber it uses, Wander still has rather low stamina. The Driver is dark red, and the POW ring is black.
Special Moves (I got lazy here so I'll just explain the general idea):
1- Detonation Destructor: A powerful smash attack that uses Detonate's three blades to deliver quick successive attacks and Burst the opponent.
2- Detonate Bomber: Same as Dynamite Bomber, but it's more of an Upper Attack in this case.
3- Wandering Counter: The ring on the Driver makes contact with the stadium, changing the Bey's direction and propelling it forward at very quick speed to counterattack.
Alright, your in!!
Chapter 2 is out!!Spoiler (Click to View)
(May. 22, 2021 10:40 PM)Strikegamerv6 Wrote: Chapter 2 is out!!Spoiler (Click to View)
(May. 23, 2021 12:37 PM)tenma Wrote: Name: Fiora De La Hoya
Gender: Female
Age: 13
Eye Color: Black (Gold during resonance)
Hair Color: Blonde with single red stripe
~~
Bey: Ethereal Freya Vanguard Dash 3B
Type: Balance
Key Colors: Gold, Platinum, White
Avatar Appearance: Freya is based off the Norse goddess of love and fertility. Freya has golden, long flowing hair with a pair of wing-like accessory adorned on her hair, one above her left ear and one above her right ear. She wears white long dress, and has a pair of platinum-colored wings.
Special Moves: Ethereal Premonition, Ethereal Bolt, Heaven's Glory.
~~
Appearance: Fiora is a fair-skinned girl of average height, having her short blonde hair tied to the side. She wears an unzipped yellow jacket with cobalt accents (Similar to Fafnir's palette) with a black undershirt, with the words "Hyper Muteki!" imprinted on top of the the chest area. She wears a white wing-shaped hairpin on her hair and her hair tie is adorned with the similar accessory. She wears knee-long denim baggy shorts and calf-height cotton white socks. She wears black-and-cobalt sneakers.
Personality: Unlike her older brother, Fiora is an energetic and optimistic girl. She is very supportive and always tries her best to motivate her friends whenever. There are sometimes, however, when she can get serious and much quieter. She is also a little quick-tempered at times.
Relationship(s)
Free De La Hoya - As a little sister, Fiora is pretty close to Free and they have a pretty healthy relationship, though they don't meet that often as Free is often traveling the world. Unlike Free, Fiora decided that she won't use Fafnir, but instead made her own Bey, Freya, and promised that it will surpass even Fafnir. When they meet, Fiora is often found playing with Free's hair, adorning it with her hairpins.
Valt Aoi - She looks up to Valt very much (a lot like Raika towards Sisco), and is a huge fan of the said latter. She goes ecstatic when she first met the said Valt, as she idolized the said latter a lot.
~~
Quotes
"I promise...That one day Freya will surpass Fafnir! I won't disappoint you, Free!"
"Why is your hair is very messy, Free? Well, that isn't a problem to me, though, sounds like a place to play instead!"
"How ya' like that!? This is the power of me and Freya! Together, we are an unbreakable bond of power!"
(May. 23, 2021 4:26 PM)PinkRose Wrote:(May. 22, 2021 10:40 PM)Strikegamerv6 Wrote: Chapter 2 is out!!Spoiler (Click to View)
So this is my first time reading something you wrote from the start and actually following (Read about two chapters of Bionic Battle and completely lost interest afterwards), so I suppose a rating is due here.
Plot: 5/5. Okay, we're still at the start and introducing new Beys and stuff, so I guess it's fine.
Dialogue: 3.5/5. To be honest, the dialogue is rather bland and generic; it doesn't convey much in terms of personality.
Characterization: 3.5/5. Same issue with dialogue, there's nothing notably different between one character and another; all I get is that Vlad and Adam are both enthusiastic hotheads who love Beyblade, which we've seen a lot already. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against a pair of happy friends, but they're just way too stereotypical and there's nothing that makes them special. Vira's fairly ok, tho, and well...Valt isn't doing much so he sorta gets a pass.
(You kinda shot yourself in the leg with making him an adult tho, it's harder to get personalities right with such a long timeskip)
Grammar: 4/5. It's...fine, but there's too many exclamation marks. I get that you're trying to cnvey excitement, but you can make use of commas and full stops sometimes.
Battle: 4/5. Not bad, but you could use more description. For example, instead of 'Adam starts resonating' you can say 'Adam's aura flares around him and he calls out to his Bey' or something like that. Always try to visualize the scene and you'll be able to describe it better.
Final Rating: 20/25. It's ok, but there's a lot of room for development.
Oh and, one quick note: It's Valtryek, not Valtrek.
(May. 23, 2021 5:52 PM)Strikegamerv6 Wrote:(May. 23, 2021 12:37 PM)tenma Wrote: Name: Fiora De La Hoya
Gender: Female
Age: 13
Eye Color: Black (Gold during resonance)
Hair Color: Blonde with single red stripe
~~
Bey: Ethereal Freya Vanguard Dash 3B
Type: Balance
Key Colors: Gold, Platinum, White
Avatar Appearance: Freya is based off the Norse goddess of love and fertility. Freya has golden, long flowing hair with a pair of wing-like accessory adorned on her hair, one above her left ear and one above her right ear. She wears white long dress, and has a pair of platinum-colored wings.
Special Moves: Ethereal Premonition, Ethereal Bolt, Heaven's Glory.
~~
Appearance: Fiora is a fair-skinned girl of average height, having her short blonde hair tied to the side. She wears an unzipped yellow jacket with cobalt accents (Similar to Fafnir's palette) with a black undershirt, with the words "Hyper Muteki!" imprinted on top of the the chest area. She wears a white wing-shaped hairpin on her hair and her hair tie is adorned with the similar accessory. She wears knee-long denim baggy shorts and calf-height cotton white socks. She wears black-and-cobalt sneakers.
Personality: Unlike her older brother, Fiora is an energetic and optimistic girl. She is very supportive and always tries her best to motivate her friends whenever. There are sometimes, however, when she can get serious and much quieter. She is also a little quick-tempered at times.
Relationship(s)
Free De La Hoya - As a little sister, Fiora is pretty close to Free and they have a pretty healthy relationship, though they don't meet that often as Free is often traveling the world. Unlike Free, Fiora decided that she won't use Fafnir, but instead made her own Bey, Freya, and promised that it will surpass even Fafnir. When they meet, Fiora is often found playing with Free's hair, adorning it with her hairpins.
Valt Aoi - She looks up to Valt very much (a lot like Raika towards Sisco), and is a huge fan of the said latter. She goes ecstatic when she first met the said Valt, as she idolized the said latter a lot.
~~
Quotes
"I promise...That one day Freya will surpass Fafnir! I won't disappoint you, Free!"
"Why is your hair is very messy, Free? Well, that isn't a problem to me, though, sounds like a place to play instead!"
"How ya' like that!? This is the power of me and Freya! Together, we are an unbreakable bond of power!"
This looks really good but you need to own a bey from S1-S7 but you can use Fafnir if you want
(May. 23, 2021 4:26 PM)PinkRose Wrote: So this is my first time reading something you wrote from the start and actually following (Read about two chapters of Bionic Battle and completely lost interest afterwards), so I suppose a rating is due here.
Plot: 5/5. Okay, we're still at the start and introducing new Beys and stuff, so I guess it's fine.
Dialogue: 3.5/5. To be honest, the dialogue is rather bland and generic; it doesn't convey much in terms of personality.
Characterization: 3.5/5. Same issue with dialogue, there's nothing notably different between one character and another; all I get is that Vlad and Adam are both enthusiastic hotheads who love Beyblade, which we've seen a lot already. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against a pair of happy friends, but they're just way too stereotypical and there's nothing that makes them special. Vira's fairly ok, tho, and well...Valt isn't doing much so he sorta gets a pass.
(You kinda shot yourself in the leg with making him an adult tho, it's harder to get personalities right with such a long timeskip)
Grammar: 4/5. It's...fine, but there's too many exclamation marks. I get that you're trying to cnvey excitement, but you can make use of commas and full stops sometimes.
Battle: 4/5. Not bad, but you could use more description. For example, instead of 'Adam starts resonating' you can say 'Adam's aura flares around him and he calls out to his Bey' or something like that. Always try to visualize the scene and you'll be able to describe it better.
Final Rating: 20/25. It's ok, but there's a lot of room for development.
Oh and, one quick note: It's Valtryek, not Valtrek.
Thanks for the feedback
Chapter 3 is outSpoiler (Click to View)
![[Image: 134.png]](https://www.serebii.net/pokedex-swsh/icon/134.png){kind=icon}