[Fan Fiction]  Beyblade: Angels {~A Dark Beyblade Story~}

(May. 05, 2021  4:21 PM)Ryuga's Son Wrote:
(May. 05, 2021  2:20 AM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: Prologue Final Part

Here's my ratings for the prolouge overall.

Plot: 9/10. We get to see how Alena is, her personality, bey, powers, dreams, etc. But does she have any empathy? Any other humane feelings? This is why I had to rate it a 9/10 instead of a 10/10
Characterization: 8.3/10. I didn't quite see any good personality from other characters. Otherwise, this is good.
Attraction: 10/10: Perfect. Nothing to say about.
Description: 8.5/10: Good the way it is, but it can be better if you describe feelings, places, etc. Show, not tell.
Consistency of Plot: 10/10

Overall, I would say that this is a 87/100.

(May. 05, 2021  4:20 PM)PinkRose Wrote: I'm betting she just went along cuz she had nowhere to stay and didn't actually expect them to be kind to her and stuff (and definitely didn't expect to grow fond of them)

Maybe, but deltazakuro needs to display that. Needs to show humane feelings. And some description.

No she has no empathy, remorse, sympathy or any form of care to anyone or anything at all. the only reason she even went to Hisatos mansion is because she needs a place to stay. he even thinks that Alena has good and light in her heart but its completely trapped by a shell of darkness, which justifies and shows why Alena acts the way she does.
(May. 05, 2021  5:18 PM)DeltaZakuro Wrote:
(May. 05, 2021  4:21 PM)Ryuga's Son Wrote: Here's my ratings for the prolouge overall.

Plot: 9/10. We get to see how Alena is, her personality, bey, powers, dreams, etc. But does she have any empathy? Any other humane feelings? This is why I had to rate it a 9/10 instead of a 10/10
Characterization: 8.3/10. I didn't quite see any good personality from other characters. Otherwise, this is good.
Attraction: 10/10: Perfect. Nothing to say about.
Description: 8.5/10: Good the way it is, but it can be better if you describe feelings, places, etc. Show, not tell.
Consistency of Plot: 10/10

Overall, I would say that this is a 87/100.


Maybe, but deltazakuro needs to display that. Needs to show humane feelings. And some description.

No she has no empathy, remorse, sympathy or any form of care to anyone or anything at all. the only reason she even went to Hisatos mansion is because she needs a place to stay. he even thinks that Alena has good and light in her heart but its completely trapped by a shell of darkness, which justifies and shows why Alena acts the way she does.

That doesn't make sense. Sorry if you feel like i'm arguing, but if that's the case, then Alena isn't even human (everyone knows that she is). You need to show Alena's feelings.
(May. 05, 2021  5:52 PM)Ryuga\s Son Wrote:
(May. 05, 2021  5:18 PM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: No she has no empathy, remorse, sympathy or any form of care to anyone or anything at all. the only reason she even went to Hisatos mansion is because she needs a place to stay. he even thinks that Alena has good and light in her heart but its completely trapped by a shell of darkness, which justifies and shows why Alena acts the way she does.

That doesn't make sense. Sorry if you feel like i'm arguing, but if that's the case, then Alena isn't even human (everyone knows that she is).  You need to show Alena's feelings.

DeltaZakuro said that Alena has no empathy, remorse, sympathy, or any type of care to anyone or anything.
(May. 05, 2021  5:52 PM)Ryuga\s Son Wrote:
(May. 05, 2021  5:18 PM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: No she has no empathy, remorse, sympathy or any form of care to anyone or anything at all. the only reason she even went to Hisatos mansion is because she needs a place to stay. he even thinks that Alena has good and light in her heart but its completely trapped by a shell of darkness, which justifies and shows why Alena acts the way she does.

That doesn't make sense. Sorry if you feel like i'm arguing, but if that's the case, then Alena isn't even human (everyone knows that she is).  You need to show Alena's feelings.

Its almost like you didn't even read. If you need more info, her character bio is on the 3rd page.

I don't get how being a Corrupt, cruel, ruthless brat isn't human.
Episode 1: The Angel Of Darkness! Crusher Anahel! Preview
(the battle isnt going to be the whole premise of the episode, i got a lot planned for this one episode)
(May. 07, 2021  12:56 AM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: Episode 1: The Angel Of Darkness! Crusher Anahel! Preview
(the battle isnt going to be the whole premise of the episode, i got a lot planned for this one episode)

Interesting.
(was bored and i felt like it so here is Episode 1 released early, i dont know how consistent episodes will release since i still have Story Of Lanes Sister, Diamond, and Shining Legends to work on but we'll have to see, Enjoy)

Episode 1: The Angel Of Darkness! Crusher Anahel!!
@tenma PinkRose
(May. 08, 2021  1:55 AM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: (was bored and i felt like it so here is Episode 1 released early, i dont know how consistent episodes will release since i still have Story Of Lanes Sister, Diamond, and Shining Legends to work on but we'll have to see, Enjoy)

Episode 1: The Angel Of Darkness! Crusher Anahel!!
@tenma PinkRose

I'm not the best at giving reviews, but this chapter is definitely something!

Everything is well thought and fleshed out! The characterization is also very well done, especially on the part where Haiden said "Do you know what have you done?!" and Alena's flare part. The Haiden one is somewhat memorable to me, though. Battles are just so-so to me. Nothing too hype or boring.

Keep going DZ! I can't wait for the next chapter to release!
So far in the Character Contest, ive narrowed it down to these 5. Winners are decided May 14th. With these 5 now being considered, the Character Contest is officially over. Episode 1 has released early so go check that out too.

PinkRose - Droite Vireir
CheetoBlader - Jojo Apoloian
@tenma - Hiroki Miyamura
ZionandBirddo - Gaito Akaza
And
LJ-Blader - Tabito Saduko
(May. 08, 2021  8:25 PM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: So far in the Character Contest, ive narrowed it down to these 5. Winners are decided May 14th. With these 5 now being considered, the Character Contest is officially over. Episode 1 has released early so go check that out too.

PinkRose - Droite Vireir
CheetoBlader - Jojo Apoloian
@tenma - Hiroki Miyamura
ZionandBirddo - Gaito Akaza
And
LJ-Blader - Tabito Saduko

Your Fanfic is really good I like how the character is now so she can kinda grow as a blader and learn the same lesson Aiger/Aiga did this is way better than my fanfic lol looks like I have some competition
(May. 08, 2021  8:25 PM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: So far in the Character Contest, ive narrowed it down to these 5. Winners are decided May 14th. With these 5 now being considered, the Character Contest is officially over. Episode 1 has released early so go check that out too.

PinkRose - Droite Vireir
CheetoBlader - Jojo Apoloian
@tenma - Hiroki Miyamura
ZionandBirddo - Gaito Akaza
And
LJ-Blader - Tabito Saduko

[Image: images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQbkJJ01rHeXkN3PmE1oiH...0&usqp=CAU]
(May. 08, 2021  8:25 PM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: So far in the Character Contest, ive narrowed it down to these 5. Winners are decided May 14th. With these 5 now being considered, the Character Contest is officially over. Episode 1 has released early so go check that out too.

PinkRose - Droite Vireir
CheetoBlader - Jojo Apoloian
@tenma - Hiroki Miyamura
ZionandBirddo - Gaito Akaza
And
LJ-Blader - Tabito Saduko

Congrats to all the finalists, I found everyone’s OC’s to be interesting and each one could be a winner, and it’s an honor to be considered.
(May. 08, 2021  1:55 AM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: (was bored and i felt like it so here is Episode 1 released early, i dont know how consistent episodes will release since i still have Story Of Lanes Sister, Diamond, and Shining Legends to work on but we'll have to see, Enjoy)

Episode 1: The Angel Of Darkness! Crusher Anahel!!
@tenma PinkRose

Early release? Noice.

Plot: 4.5/5. We're slowly setting up the story and introducing a new cast member. Nothing much yet, but that's normal cuz it's the very first chapter.
Dialogue: 4.5/5. Alena's conversation with Haiden was kinda fun to read, I like how startled she seemed at the concept of having a fanboy of sorts. Too bad she lost him less than five minutes later (but it's kinda his fault too, like, you should already know your Bey was bound to break pal).
Characterization: 5/5. Me likes those small moments of soft Alena, and Haiden seems to be a pretty fun character too.
Grammar: 4.5/5. As usual, only some barely noticeable issues and it doesn't affect the flow of the chapter.
Battle: 4/5. Rip Haiden, we'll get her next time (nah, probably not).

Final Rating: 22.5/25. Decent start, nothing quite interesting happens but it's not bad either. Neat-o.
(May. 08, 2021  8:25 PM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: So far in the Character Contest, ive narrowed it down to these 5. Winners are decided May 14th. With these 5 now being considered, the Character Contest is officially over. Episode 1 has released early so go check that out too.

PinkRose - Droite Vireir
CheetoBlader - Jojo Apoloian
@tenma - Hiroki Miyamura
ZionandBirddo - Gaito Akaza
And
LJ-Blader - Tabito Saduko

Congratulations to all the winner candidates, you guys made really awesome characters. Looking forward to seeing the winners' characters in the story.
Episode 2
https://www.wattpad.com/1067584023-beybl...ls-carnage
Nice work, Haiden! Also, I love the avatars of yours, Adeona's from the Story of Lane's Sister was just as good. Anahel looks crazy tho lol.
I like how you added the avatars in the wattpad really nice touch! Overall I liked this episode more than one as I liked the world building and the meeting with Vala and Haiden making a comeback from last episode and the draw was nice cliffhanger. Rating: 9.5/10, really enjoyable and a good beginning chapter.

(May. 10, 2021  4:37 AM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: Episode 2
https://www.wattpad.com/1067584023-beybl...ls-carnage

Note: This is a theory, I wonder if Anahel who is an angel in Christianity is corrupted as you can see in the picture looking more like a demon, will take on a more angelic appearance as Alena awakens the “light” in her heart kind of like Achilles took on a darker appearance when Aiga was corrupted by dark resonance, But that’s just a theory....
(May. 10, 2021  4:37 AM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: Episode 2
https://www.wattpad.com/1067584023-beybl...ls-carnage

Dang, you're on a roll with this.

Plot: 5/5. More character introductions! I like how the story is similar to DB in how everyone was using the old system at the beginning, until people started to get more data about the Angel system. Coolio.
Dialogue: 4.5/5. Don't really have much to say on this, but it was nice. And tbh I can't believe Haiden's still a fan of Alena after what happened to his previous Bey; this guy is pretty loyal.
Characterization: 5/5. Watch out Alena, your soft side is slipping in a lot ;D. Srsly tho, I like how even when she acts like the anti-hero she is, there are still some select stuff that make her act like a normal teen girl from time to time.
Grammar: 4.5/5. You already know the drill, probably.
Battles: 4.5/5. This chapter had some pretty sweet battles. Poor Vala got rekt on her very first match (I mean, she's probably still learning the game if she got Brave that recently), and Haiden manages to get a tie! Maybe I didn't give this guy enough credit last time, good on him.

Final Rating: 23.5/25. I really enjoyed reading the chapter (also is it just me or does Anahel's avatar have a fair bit of resemblance to Satan's?), the battles were cool, the interactions were cool, overall pretty nice.
(May. 05, 2021  6:29 PM)DeltaZakuro Wrote:
(May. 05, 2021  5:52 PM)Ryuga\s Son Wrote: That doesn't make sense. Sorry if you feel like i'm arguing, but if that's the case, then Alena isn't even human (everyone knows that she is).  You need to show Alena's feelings.

Its almost like you didn't even read. If you need more info, her character bio is on the 3rd page.

I don't get how being a Corrupt, cruel, ruthless brat isn't human.

Yes that is fine. But having no other emotions then cruel and ruthless is just out of place.

https://www.verywellmind.com/how-many-em...20contempt.
(May. 10, 2021  8:07 PM)Ryuga\s Son Wrote:
(May. 05, 2021  6:29 PM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: Its almost like you didn't even read. If you need more info, her character bio is on the 3rd page.

I don't get how being a Corrupt, cruel, ruthless brat isn't human.

Yes that is fine. But having no other emotions then cruel and ruthless is just out of place.

https://www.verywellmind.com/how-many-em...20contempt.
My guy have you seen Twitter before
(May. 10, 2021  8:12 PM)CheetoBlader Wrote:
(May. 10, 2021  8:07 PM)Ryuga\s Son Wrote: Yes that is fine. But having no other emotions then cruel and ruthless is just out of place.

https://www.verywellmind.com/how-many-em...20contempt.
My guy have you seen Twitter before

Yes I have. Idk how that is related to this though.
(May. 10, 2021  8:23 PM)Ryuga\s Son Wrote:
(May. 10, 2021  8:12 PM)CheetoBlader Wrote: My guy have you seen Twitter before

Yes I have. Idk how that is related to this though.

Twitter is the perfect explanation of how a person can be cruel and ruthless
(May. 10, 2021  8:25 PM)CheetoBlader Wrote:
(May. 10, 2021  8:23 PM)Ryuga\s Son Wrote: Yes I have. Idk how that is related to this though.

Twitter is the perfect explanation of how a person can be cruel and ruthless

I never said someone cannot be cruel and ruthless. I meant that if someone has ruthlessness and cruelty, he/she will also have empathy, sadness etc all other emotions.
Star Dragon Ignition' -Awakening

Metal Ring: -Awakening: looks like Awakened Tempest

Star Dragon Layer (SD) - features the almost same shape as Imperial but the blades are a bit bigger and with more metal. like the evos before it, Star Dragon features an awakening gimmick from Bound Mode to Awakened Mode (which is actually called the "Strike Mode") which can be reset like Tempest Dragon.

- SD also has the same OWD as Imperial but doesnt have the same burst resistance issue
- in Strike Mode, the wings are still sorta spring loaded but the effect is hardly noticeable

Driver: Ignition' (Ig')

User: Daiku Koryu

Special Moves: Star Bound, Bound Wing, Star Break, Ignition Boost, Double Boost


Episode 3: Space And Time! Canon Horogium! Summary
Episode 4: Rival, Friend Or Tool?!
Longinus when Lui hands him down to Lena: Boy do I miss the good ol' days...
(jk, but cute girls and badass dragons don't always come together XD)

Oh and, idk if this is a typo or if you confuse the letters, but it's Shirasagijo (with an A instead of an O)