Dust In The Wind

Sparta · May. 23, 2011 1:07 AM

Another story! I can never seem to crack down and actually finish one, no matter how hard I try. So I've given up, meaning I most likely will never finish any of my stories. Ever. Sorry, just know this going in. To prove my point, here is my fifth story! If you can't tell, it's set in medieval times.
Your reviews can change the world. Please, please review.

Chapter 1 (Click to View)

Prologue:
Today, the fifth legion prepared to leave the village for a doomed rescue mission. They all set out on horseback, their bleak grimaces hanging heavily on my soul. As the king, it is my duty to save as many of my peoples from the other kingdoms. Having said that, my choices are never easy ones. There comes a time in every great rulers life where we must make decisions that go against our very nature. We must make great sacrifices for the greater good, so that the rest of us may be free. That is the hardship of every kingdom, that some must die so the greater masses may live in peace. These brave men shall never be forgotten, their sacrifices will not be in vain. But they all know that, though they shall be remembered, they will eventually become naught but...dust in the wind.

Chapter 1: Day One
My name is Robert Orivile. I am a General in the fifth legion of my majesties royal army. I serve my king and my king only. I have knelt and made vows of loyalty, that no matter how grim my end may be, in life or in death, I will never surrender. I will be keeping a record of our battles and hardships in this journal, as we journey to a distant ally who requires our aid. Our legion was chosen to ride out of our kingdom and embark on a dangerous journey that passes through many an enemy territory to arrive at Newcastle, our ally at war. Our chance for survival was slim to none, and all of the men know this. I have to rally them, encourage them, or our cause will be lost before it starts. 100 miles out of the city I stop the men and get off of my horse, and look deep into their already weary eyes. I take a deep breath. Hope is all I have left in my life. And the supply is running low.

"Men!" I call out. "Warriors! My brothers. Today, we were all called by our king. Do we not serve him willingly?" A few murmurs of agreement swim through the crowd. I swallow a lump in my throat and continue. "We have left our most beloved behind in order to save them. Do we not love them dearly?!" This time, a few men called out. "Aye!" They shouted, their voices shaking off the fear. "And we are journeying to save our most courageous allies. Do we not respect them, trust them, believe in them?!" They are raising swords now, saluting in agreement. I breath slowly, welling up what is left of me. I am so emaciated, so weary...but I cannot stop now. These men need me. They are no better than me, so I know I cannot show any sign of weakness. Honor is what is important, and I must proceed with such. I look deep into their eyes, one last time. "My brothers..." My voice is wavering, but I still stand firm. "Today, we must muster up all of our courage, all of our strength, and stand together! As one! For our King! Our dearest! Our allies! And for our own sakes! Now I ask of you: WHO IS WITH ME?!" I pant, but I am not heard over the roar of my men. I wipe the sweat off of my brow and smile. We are finally ready for the difficult challenges that lie ahead. Unfortunately, it is then we encounter our first one.

Yah I know it sucked. Sorry.

"Life isn't about how hard you can hit;
it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward"
{[YT]} [|BEYBLOG|] (â—ŠSoG-My Bookâ—Š)/<DA>\

Light Yagami · May. 23, 2011 1:21 AM

nice chapter with a lot of detail i can see the army riding out but you might want to explain more about the surronding area.such as is it day or night. is the terrain rocky or smooth and what does it smell like as well hope this helps

thank you otthelog for sig and ga hoo leone and quetz and king cephues for my sigs i will alteratte them every week

pokemon trainer card

Spoiler (Click to View)

Synth · May. 23, 2011 1:54 AM

cool chapter,story,and whatsoever!

Follow me on Twitter: @SynthGraphics

Sparta · May. 23, 2011 2:29 AM

Finished chapter 1.

"Life isn't about how hard you can hit;
it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward"
{[YT]} [|BEYBLOG|] (â—ŠSoG-My Bookâ—Š)/<DA>\

Light Yagami · May. 23, 2011 2:33 AM

it didnt suck it was pretty good

thank you otthelog for sig and ga hoo leone and quetz and king cephues for my sigs i will alteratte them every week

pokemon trainer card

Spoiler (Click to View)

Xlr8 · May. 23, 2011 1:31 PM

it's good dude nice story

sig by me

Sparta · May. 23, 2011 11:39 PM

Thank you. I think I may upload the next chapter soon.

"Life isn't about how hard you can hit;
it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward"
{[YT]} [|BEYBLOG|] (â—ŠSoG-My Bookâ—Š)/<DA>\

Sparta · May. 27, 2011 11:40 PM

Alright, I've been in the freaking car for the past 6 hours, and we've still got to drive another 4 to get to Maryland. I'm so fed up with playing DS that I'm writing this chapter, whether I know what I'm writing or not. I apologize for the carppy quality of this chapter, as I'm so damn bored that whatever happens happens.

*Back At The Palace*
It has not even been a full day yet, and I can already hear screams of pain in the distance. I look out, and can barely make out a tangle of bodies, clashing and striking at each other. I cannot tell who is winning, but decide against sending aid. This mission was doomed from the start, anyways.

Chapter 2: Day One- Night
In the blinding darkness, we clash with another legion sent to aid our enemy in NewCastle. Blow after blow, all I can hear is the dying screams of my men in the dark. I turn around, striking at a soldier who has just tried to stab me. I whip around and slash at him with my sword, sending him off. I quickly survey what I can see of the battle, and it does not look pretty. Already, hundreds of my men are dead, and I feel that many more will join them if I do not order a retreat. "Fall back!" I cry out, hoping my men will hear me. "Retreat! Make way for the city!" A faint chorus of voices call out in agreement, and we begin to ride back to the city. Like many others, my horse has been slain in battle and I am forced to charge back. I am running for a few minutes when a soldier on horseback picks me up and puts me on his horse. I look back, weary, and in the distance I see swirls of dust. I know this is because they are chasing after us, and I realize the only reason they will back off is if we reach the city. I am about to order a full speed retread, but I stop myself. If I issue that order, it is the same as ending the mission; we will not be able to get out of the city.Our only option is to outrun them. I swallow hard. We have horses and for some reason they do not. We may be able to outlast them in the long run. If we run west, then loop back around and continue towards NewCastle, they will most likely give up and turn back. I cling to the plan, for I know it is our only option. "Men!" I cry out. "We ride west! Make haste, and stop for nothing, dead or alive!" I take a deep breath. "Dead or alive," I say, half as loudly. "We will not give in, nor shall we surrender. We will all arrive, or die trying."

I swallow hard as 10,00 strong men gallop away from a panting enemy and the rising sun.

"Life isn't about how hard you can hit;
it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward"
{[YT]} [|BEYBLOG|] (â—ŠSoG-My Bookâ—Š)/<DA>\

Light Yagami · May. 27, 2011 11:59 PM

awesome

thank you otthelog for sig and ga hoo leone and quetz and king cephues for my sigs i will alteratte them every week

pokemon trainer card

Spoiler (Click to View)

Pimpju · May. 28, 2011 11:20 AM

I can see you're trying to use description, although it's one of the common mistakes to overdo it, use their actions and their thoughts to portray the character. If you can use the thoughts of others to do so as well, it's even better.

Also, when writing in the first person, you must take on their mannerisms and way of speaking. Your writing doesn't really show this, plus the syntax is a little off.

The way your characters proclaim everything also makes the story less believable(not just in speech, but in thought process, since you are using the first person).

Not bad, especially compared to all the beyblade fiction though.

Sparta · May. 31, 2011 11:19 PM

(May. 28, 2011 11:20 AM)momiji manju Wrote: I can see you're trying to use description, although it's one of the common mistakes to overdo it, use their actions and their thoughts to portray the character. If you can use the thoughts of others to do so as well, it's even better.

Also, when writing in the first person, you must take on their mannerisms and way of speaking. Your writing doesn't really show this, plus the syntax is a little off.

The way your characters proclaim everything also makes the story less believable(not just in speech, but in thought process, since you are using the first person).

Not bad, especially compared to all the beyblade fiction though.

Ok, cool. It's nice to get feedback from someone in a position to know.

"Life isn't about how hard you can hit;
it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward"
{[YT]} [|BEYBLOG|] (â—ŠSoG-My Bookâ—Š)/<DA>\