Dust In The Wind

Another story! I can never seem to crack down and actually finish one, no matter how hard I try. So I've given up, meaning I most likely will never finish any of my stories. Ever. Sorry, just know this going in. To prove my point, here is my fifth story! If you can't tell, it's set in medieval times.
Your reviews can change the world. Please, please review.

Chapter 1 (Click to View)
nice chapter with a lot of detail i can see the army riding out but you might want to explain more about the surronding area.such as is it day or night. is the terrain rocky or smooth and what does it smell like as well hope this helps
cool chapter,story,and whatsoever!
Finished chapter 1.
it didnt suck it was pretty good
Thank you. I think I may upload the next chapter soon.
Alright, I've been in the freaking car for the past 6 hours, and we've still got to drive another 4 to get to Maryland. I'm so fed up with playing DS that I'm writing this chapter, whether I know what I'm writing or not. I apologize for the carppy quality of this chapter, as I'm so damn bored that whatever happens happens.


*Back At The Palace*
It has not even been a full day yet, and I can already hear screams of pain in the distance. I look out, and can barely make out a tangle of bodies, clashing and striking at each other. I cannot tell who is winning, but decide against sending aid. This mission was doomed from the start, anyways.

Chapter 2: Day One- Night
In the blinding darkness, we clash with another legion sent to aid our enemy in NewCastle. Blow after blow, all I can hear is the dying screams of my men in the dark. I turn around, striking at a soldier who has just tried to stab me. I whip around and slash at him with my sword, sending him off. I quickly survey what I can see of the battle, and it does not look pretty. Already, hundreds of my men are dead, and I feel that many more will join them if I do not order a retreat. "Fall back!" I cry out, hoping my men will hear me. "Retreat! Make way for the city!" A faint chorus of voices call out in agreement, and we begin to ride back to the city. Like many others, my horse has been slain in battle and I am forced to charge back. I am running for a few minutes when a soldier on horseback picks me up and puts me on his horse. I look back, weary, and in the distance I see swirls of dust. I know this is because they are chasing after us, and I realize the only reason they will back off is if we reach the city. I am about to order a full speed retread, but I stop myself. If I issue that order, it is the same as ending the mission; we will not be able to get out of the city.Our only option is to outrun them. I swallow hard. We have horses and for some reason they do not. We may be able to outlast them in the long run. If we run west, then loop back around and continue towards NewCastle, they will most likely give up and turn back. I cling to the plan, for I know it is our only option. "Men!" I cry out. "We ride west! Make haste, and stop for nothing, dead or alive!" I take a deep breath. "Dead or alive," I say, half as loudly. "We will not give in, nor shall we surrender. We will all arrive, or die trying."

I swallow hard as 10,00 strong men gallop away from a panting enemy and the rising sun.
awesome
I can see you're trying to use description, although it's one of the common mistakes to overdo it, use their actions and their thoughts to portray the character. If you can use the thoughts of others to do so as well, it's even better.

Also, when writing in the first person, you must take on their mannerisms and way of speaking. Your writing doesn't really show this, plus the syntax is a little off.

The way your characters proclaim everything also makes the story less believable(not just in speech, but in thought process, since you are using the first person).

Not bad, especially compared to all the beyblade fiction though.
(May. 28, 2011  11:20 AM)momiji manju Wrote: I can see you're trying to use description, although it's one of the common mistakes to overdo it, use their actions and their thoughts to portray the character. If you can use the thoughts of others to do so as well, it's even better.

Also, when writing in the first person, you must take on their mannerisms and way of speaking. Your writing doesn't really show this, plus the syntax is a little off.

The way your characters proclaim everything also makes the story less believable(not just in speech, but in thought process, since you are using the first person).

Not bad, especially compared to all the beyblade fiction though.

Ok, cool. It's nice to get feedback from someone in a position to know.