DoomsBey - Mr. N's New Beyblade Story

Poll: Do you think this story is good?

Yes.
71.43%
5
No.
14.29%
1
Sort of.
14.29%
1
Total: 100% 7 vote(s)
So, I tried to write a story over a year ago. I lost interest in Beyblade, and then the story died. Well, now that my interest has been sparked again, I'm here to try it again! Hopefully, this time I can complete it. So, without further ado...
Prologue/Preview

Chapter 1: Escape

Chapter 2: A New Friend

Chapter 3: Beyjing

Feel free to critisize, compliment, or do whatever you want!
OK, let's post a new chapter before the thread disappears to the second page!

Anyways, here's...

Chapter 1: Escape


BTW, this is gonna be just a MFB story, not a non-Zero-G story. I don't understand the system at all, and I feel more comfortable writing a HWS/4D story.
Looks good!
Keep it up, Can't wait for Chapter 2!
Thanks! If all goes well, it should be done tonight or tommorow!
Just updated with Chapter 2. Enjoy!
Not bad! The story is slightly cliché, but it's rather difficult to avoid that when writing a bey story; no matter how original, some parts have to be the same. At the same time though, your organization is very neat and the language is great; even without using much descriptive language you convey the scenario well enough that I can imagine it in my head.

The premise is interesting as well, though I have a question about the beginning of the second chapter. You say that the Mom didn't go looking for him or send anyone. Is this implying that he ran away already, or just that she didn't suspect him going to the BeyPark?

Either way, Mr. N, you've definitely made a dramatic and impressive return to the forums! I'll be checking back for more.
Just added a poll.

@Ga It seems like a minor detail, but I can't reveal it yet. Tongue_out_wink

Anyways, I haven't been in the writing mood recently, so it may be a few days before Chapter 3 goes up.
wonderful story. i was rly kind of surprised at the quality of writing; i dont usually see stories that make me think "oh, i actually wanna read the rest"(im comparing this to the stories which i have seen on the wbo, not to offend anyone). i did click on this thread with low expectations and dont usually like to look at all these bey stories that people have written, but from wut i've seen, its rly a wonderful story that i actually found interesting. good job, good job! Joyful_3
A very well-written story. Of course, it is very cliche, but I know someone has mentioned that already.

+ Very good storyline so far
+ Nice description when description is used
+ Good techniques used to show the main character's backstory

But there are some bad things, most of which i find in a lot of stories on here.

- Lots of speech. Try using techniques like reported speech,
- NO TITLE! (seriously a title really helps add to a story)
- Try to fully develop ideas in you're paraghraphs
- We need something shocking in the storyline. Some sort of unexpected twist to keep the reader interested,

All in all a good story, but not the best I've read. I will definitely continue to read this story though so I want to see the next chapter really improved.

Good Luck Grin
OK, thanks for the comments! I'll try to improve my story by some of your suggestions.
I really like this story! Might not mean much coming from someone like me, but I will be keeping up with this story! Can't wait for chapter 3!
It's a really great story. Some flaws here and there but its overall good. Of course, we still get that beyblade redundancy but that's all good. Something I have to put in here is: How about using different punctuations to connect sentences instead of using periods? Because I always get the "stop and start" feel whenever I read this. A good example is that you use the semicolon (;) which is used to connect two independent clauses.

Keep up the good work!
I'm so sorry guys. I had writer's block and then this just slipped from my mind...

Anyways, here's Chapter 3! I hope it meets all y'all's expectations!

Chapter 3: Beyjing

And yes, I did make that pun. Beyjing... I dunno, it just fits perfectly.

EDIT: Sorry for double post, but added a title as sonicsora123 requested.