Crisis! A TCG-Based Story

Poll: How is the story?

Amazing! I love it!
63.16%
12
Meh, I have my reservations...
21.05%
4
...Really? This is trash.
15.79%
3
Total: 100% 19 vote(s)
I know it's been done by YGO, Duel Masters, and now Cardfight! Vanguard!, but I wanted to try my hand at a TCG-based story. As it says in the title, it's called "Crisis!", and I've been spending a bit of time on this. Hopefully, you'll enjoy it.

Sorry, but my chapters are LONG.
Chapter 1: Shattered Expanse, and a Reset Button?
Chapter 2: Losing...Again. (This one's kinda short.)
Chapter 3: Fighting Back
Chapter 4: Arrival
Chapter 5: Eight steps to Hell!?
Chapter 6: D stands...short?
Chapter 7: Day One (Description/Story Chapter)
Chapter 8: Confidence in the face of failure… I don’t have it.
Chapter 9: Weaknesses and helping a friend
Chapter 10: The beginning
Crisis: Shattered Future-Chapter One
Crisis-Shattered Future Chapter 2
Very nice!

I will PM you with something I would like to ask based on the story.

Re-read it and noticed a mistake on end paragraph first line. Was it meant to be "Crushing me Pathetically" rather than "Crushing my Pathetically".
3rd paragraph 3rd line, you wrote ad, did you mean and?

Sorry about all the coreections, I just think that maybe you would like to know and correct them.

Another note- I will be deleting all the lines of my combined posts as it may get annoying.
I got one of the corrections, but could you point out the second mistake by the sentence?
Hmmm....I could of sworn I saw a mistake on my iPod, maybe not, sorry about that.
And along came a Megablader...

Really, if there was a throne for the best WBO writer, I think its yours...but still, a suggestion, your highness:

1. You should indent your lines when you have dialogue. Instead of:

"I love you" "I hate you, too!" It should be:

"I love you!"
"I hate you, too!"

Just makes your writing look neater, if anything.
Hah, I write recollection-style, as if someone actually were saying it. Creating new paragraphs would mean I'd have to use "I/He/She/They said etc...", which is kinda annoying. I'll try to do so during shorter conversations, but I'm not so great at that, it makes books seem like a story, not a recollection that the main character is describing and retelling.

I still defer to Night, even if he doesn't get on anymore. Honestly, a lot of my writing is modeled after his story-telling genius.
Okay, Chapter 2 is done, but it's kinda short.
3rd paragraph, 3rd sentance; "In the end, he played the first AD last card..."

I found it! Anyway I shall start reading chapter two. Joyful_3
3rd para 5th sent; "I sprang to my feet, the CROWN was going insane".
Well, i read both chapters, and i find this thread funny because just the day before you posted this, i was telling Ultimate about MY TCG idea, and was wondering if i should post the story here. The TCG itself is VASTLY different from this, but now i think people would say "Oh suuure, he saw Megablader9 post a TCG story, so now he wants some of that himself" xD

Well anyways, here's what i have to say about both the story and TCG:
First off, the dialogue is too cluttered with the rest of the story. Like Sparta says, it's best if every dialogue starts on a new line. So instead of

The shining knight on the Infused Techon Obliterator card hoisted a shield and a large laser cannon. “I-impossible! Techon Knight is only Level 2, how can you level him up to 4 that fast?!” “All Techons get to skip one Level while being Promoted to the next Level! I also use the ability, Reverse!

do it like this:

The shining knight on the Infused Techon Obliterator card hoisted a shield and a large laser cannon.
“I-impossible! Techon Knight is only Level 2, how can you level him up to 4 that fast?!”
“All Techons get to skip one Level while being Promoted to the next Level! I also use the ability, Reverse!

See what i mean?! And you say you're writing "book style"?! Not true! In fact i have The Fellowship of the Ring in my hands right now and every dialogue starts on a new line. So make sure you do that from now on. And using "He/She/w/e said" for every new paragraph - not true. Good writers can find 101 ways to describe the way a person speaks. In fact it's ENCOURAGED that you describe it.
-He shouted in anger!
-He cried out, shriveling in deep pain!
-He whistled joyfully, as if he had won the lottery.
-Voraciously, he asked.
-With no doubts whatsoever, he agreed.

See what i mean?! Bottom line, AVOID using JUST "He/She said".

Second - personalities. You HAVE done a good job with having characters with diverse personas, but i think you can do even better! Work hard, think about their motives, backgrounds, habits, likes/dislikes, etc. remember, You need good characters in order to have a good story.

And third and last(as far as the story itself goes) - describe. Describe the UNITS, the CHARACTERS, the ATMOSPHERE, the surrounding environment. Make sure the reader feels as if he is right there, in the middle of the action.

And now for the TCG idea. In as few words as possible, i don't like it. It's not bad, though. In fact, it's well thought off, complex and you seem to have worked hard on it. And for that, thumbs up! So why don't i like it?! Feels too much like other TCGs i've played. But then again, i dont think there is any one TCG that i haven't at least heard of! So my advice, if you want to launch this for real - do some research. But since it's just a story so far, no need to get worked up Joyful_3 Carry on as you have done so far, while remembering the advice I and other members have given you Grin

SO yah, that's bout it for me. I dunno if it's harsh or not, but i don't have a habit of sugar coating my opinion. I call it as i see it. And i hope you're not mad at me or anything Grin
I've seen a lot of books avoid that format. (The Kite Runner does it often, just not always.) Besides, would you pause after EVERY sentence spoken if you were actually recalling this yourself? As I've said often, that's the ideal I'm going for. Actually, the cards themselves aren't described for a reason, which you'll see in Chapter 3. I plan on building up on both character background, archetype background, and card background in the next few chapter, after this Bout is done. (Huh? How is this idea "similar" to other TCGs? The closest thing I can see is Calling Units, and playing Distortion and Traps. The Gameplay is different, but it does indeed draw SOME inspiration from YGO in the sense of life. I plan on changing it soon, but the idea now is simply a prototype of the game, causing another road bump later on, as the main character tries to adapt to a new system. (Gah, I didn't want to spoil that, but it's the only way to answer your questions.) Geez, I like the feedback, keep it comin'! No sugarcoating! I won't do it for you, so don't do it for me. Just make sure you know that this is supposed to be more like a DIRECT recollection than a story being written.

I do understand what you're saying, so I edited the last post so I can better get across what I meant.
Chapter two was very good, and I was happy to see that your story is realistic (I.E. The main character can lose).
Hah, yeah, did you see his PATHETIC record? He will NOT be anything like Yugi, and may even lose an important game or two.
Chapter Three is done, and I think you'll find this one better than Chapter 1 for a pretty good reason... (Let's just say, you won't be used to it if you watch a lot of YGO.)
Chapter 4 is done, and I took some of you guys' advice, as far as it pertained to the story. This chapter was a lead-up into fully explaining the new rules in Chapter 5, and explains a bit of what's going on.
Done with Chapter 5, hope you like it. I explain some of the "new" rules to the game, and introduce a Archetype along with them.
Done with Chapter 6. This one's kinda slow for a reason, so... Regardless, comments? Suggestions? (And yes, I gave an antagonist a surname that's a play on Cheatin'. And then named him Sleaze.) Okay, here's a quick rundown on the specific Archetypes revealed.

Techon: A Support-only Archetype that are garbage alone, but can really stack up. They tend to look like machines, bot some simply have a lot of armor. They have low power, but abilities allow them to beef themselves up, and Techon JetFalcon can take on Finishers. The new rule change did nothing, as you still have to have the stronger Unit to deal any damage. Hard to use, but a fun deck.
Strengths: Have the Intercept Ability sometimes, Powerful Distortion cards, easy to Call
Weaknesses: Can't really beat Finishers, Low OP, bad at holding a hand advantage
Used by: Node Itoa


Hell: Based on skipping turns to avoid major hits, big effects, and sometimes, to win the game! Was garbage before the rule change, as even Dana's stellar record can't bring the overall record of the deck to .500.
Strengths: Very fast-paced, Slaughters search-based decks, many cards with the same effect with slight variations on name and exact ability and usefulness, nice OP advantage, hand advantage rarely an issue; most people must use a lot of Distortion cards to avoid losing immediately.
Weaknesses: Not very adaptive, skipping turns can lead to problems, easily shut down by other Hell decks, bad issues with avoiding damage, allows a lot of ways to lose, eats up cards
Used by: Dana Tama


Copycat: A deck built for the heavy searcher. All cards are based on forcing an opponent ot "follow suit", such as making them draw extra cards and lose, play bad cards, or even surrender. They can also copy abilities and Offensive Power
Strengths: Very adaptive, impossible to fully shut down, annoying from beginning to end, perfect deck for sneaky people who'd rather not win directly
Weaknesses: MUST search for best cards; they tend to be limited, no Intercept cards, bad with Distortion cards, not much negation or field control available
Used by: Sleaze Cheaten


Well, that's a quick rundown of all of the decks used as of now. I was just a bit bored, so I decided that maybe a quick explanation will help you guys piece together what's going on during matches better.
Chapter 7 is done! Please comment, I need some type of feedback so I can improve.
I found a few mistakes and edited them out. The story should be better now.
Fixed other mistakes, and finished chapter 8.
I didn't really like the last few paragraphs of Chapter 8, so I re-wrote them and fixed some of the spelling issues. If you spot anymore, tell me!
It's a really good story cant wait till the next chapter comes out. What is the Youkai decks main point?
I'm working on chapter nine, and will fully explain Youkais and another Chapter 9-specific Archetype afterwards. For now, the main point is to force opponents to wait until they take damage, while they can do nothing about it.
ok if this was a real card game I would buy it.
Is "Youkai" pronounced the same way as "Yōkai"?

Also, a good story once again. A few typos here and there, but nothing major. I also noticed Node's last name, "Iota", is the ninth letter of the Greek alphabet. I have a slight hunch that it'll be somewhat important later on? However, I'm going to refrain from the poll, since you already know my opinion.
Yes, it is pronounced the same. Occasionally, character's names are a pun on their decks, such as "Node" normally being associated with machines and the sort, and "Yōkai" being associated with fantasy creatures and such. (Succubi, Vampires, other such creatures) "Itoa", Node's last name, is indeed a spin on the Greek letter "Iota". Nice find, Odin. Blah, workin' on typos, seeing as Microsoft Word is an idiot. I am, however, working on Crisis: Breaking as a TCG in real life, though it probably won't be spread outside of the TCG Club at my school. And thanks for the feedback, people. Chapter 9 is coming relatively soon!
how would you be able to play Crisis at your school?