World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc. Off-Topic Forums Your Creations

Beyblade story: A Step time by time

Poll: Do you like my story?

Spectacular
0%
0
Good
50.00%
1
Not bad, man
50.00%
1
AIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!
0%
0
Total: 100% 2 vote(s)
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Dec. 21, 2011  10:03 AM
 
This is my own bey story

Once upon a time, in a village there was a 8 year old kid named Nicholey McAffrey

He is still young. He always been teased by his friends just because he doesn't have
a popular item that became the talk of the village, A Metal Fight Beyblade. Thompson his arch-rival is the leader of the bey gang in the village. With help from his bey Avalanche Blizzardos GB145ES. One day his dad asks him if he could come for awhile. He showed him a very interesting bey named Orbit Zeus ED145EWD, which, is by fact the very Nemesis of Blizzardos. His dad replies"this is your destiny,take it." he accepts it and finally got a chance to battle Thompson. He Approaches Thompson and he said "I got no time dealing with you but alright
"3" Nick said
"2" Thomson shouted
"1" they said together
Go,Shoot!! They launched their bey and a fierce battle begin. Zeus is Completely
Sturdy even after being hit by Blizzardos. Then Thompson smashes Zeus knocking
him halfway out of the stadium. Zeus then launches his special move, Completely
Cracked Blizzardos's clear wheel. George is next. they Battled With a high amount
of stamina Zeus Won The Battle Aqua Poseidon's Facebolt has a little crack from the big hit.
(Dec. 21, 2011  10:03 AM)maeyer2001 Wrote: This is my own bey story

Once upon a time, in a village there was a 8 year old kid named Nicholey McAffrey

He is still young. He always been teased by his friends just because he doesn't have
a popular item that became the talk of the village, A Metal Fight Beyblade. Thompson his arch-rival is the leader of the bey gang in the village. With help from his bey Avalanche Blizzardos GB145ES. One day his dad asks him if he could come for awhile. He showed him a very interesting bey named Orbit Zeus ED145EWD, which, is by fact the very Nemesis of Blizzardos. His dad replies"this is your destiny,take it." he accepts it and finally got a chance to battle Thompson.

I'll add some more scenes if you have more ideas and characters
Dec. 21, 2011  10:16 AM
 
You should add a guy who is the best friend of Thompson called George.
He has a blue short sleeve under a black long sleeve. He wears black jeans and sneakers he is a very calm and cool person. His bey is Aqua Poseidon X : D (I know I know, but he could have illegally modded it or something). After thompsons and nicks battle, he challenges nick too.
Dec. 21, 2011  11:44 AM
 

I'll add George to the story thx
Dec. 21, 2011  11:54 PM
 
Oh i forgot I had a special move for him. Poseidons Trident. A trident made of water comes out and hurls itself at the opponents bey
Dec. 22, 2011  3:22 AM
 
Oh thank you CosmicDestroyer.
Dec. 22, 2011  4:48 AM
 
...
Dude.
Don't take requests.
Ever.
And a few more things:
Make your grammar better, it's kinda bad.
Make sure you have dialouge, but not too much, and correctly space it, like so:
"1"
"2"
As in, a new line everytime osmeone speaks.
Add far more description to your story, because form what I can tell this is it:
A kid gets a bey from his father because he didn't have one and everyone teased him about it. He beat the main guy in a bey gang on his first try, and broke the other dude's bey. Then, randomly, with no warning comes a dude name George.
With no into, no nothing, just randomly appearing.
...
This needs some serious work.
Dec. 22, 2011  6:56 AM
 
~X~ you're the 2nd people here so you can help me with the story
Dec. 23, 2011  12:02 AM
 
I'm not that good at writing, but I'll try and fix the grammar issues/spelling issues, and maybe add more detail.
Dec. 25, 2011  12:43 PM
 
Uhhh Thompson is not the main villain. Any Ideas?
Dec. 27, 2011  2:16 AM
 
I am not really a better writer, but I think you should have kind of made it not the same story of somebody getting bullied, then somebody gives them a legend bey, they defeat the bully, and will probably either go on a quest to stop some evil guy or win the world championship. I can't really help, because like I said, I am not a good writer. I hope you take this as constructive criticism.