Beyblade fanfic: the journey of the pegablader

Cyberpegasus80 · May. 11, 2012 3:43 AM

I don't know of this is the right placeto put it but this my first fanfic do dont be all rude and stuff.

Chap 1: the worst blader

He was the worst, the absolute worst blader in farstar city. Everyone made fun of him. Until the day he found Pegasus. It was guarded by robot soilders which he got past with a borrowed bey. Then he began his quest to become the strongest blader in farstar city. His name was Aidan.

" yay! Today I get tacos." said Aidan. " no, no tacos Aidan, not until you get us some MONEY!" shouted his mom. " but I don't know where to get money, there haven't been any tournaments lately do I can't get money." answered Aidan. " there is a tournament 5:00 tonight, go there." said his mom. " oh, fine".

When Aidan finally got to the tournament, there were tons of bladers. Most of them were GIRLS! " so, you noticed the MAJOR gender difference here. " said Octavia. " Octavia, you're alive! I thought you were dead! I was amazed by how well you did in that epic battle were you supposedly died." said Aidan half-blushingly. " it was all because of you." said Octavia softly. " um, hello, mutual respect society. We have got one huge problem." said varn. " varn how are you" asked octavia. " sup, bro" said Aidan. " greetings later, now LAUNCH!!" shouted varn. All three of there beys hit one blue one and all three of there beys went flying." dang, he is mad strong" said varn " packs quite a wallop" said Octavia. " everyone use your special move!"shouted Aidan." okay, go cyber orso, lightning slash" said varn " aquario, tsunami blast!"
Said octavia " Pegasus inferno starslam." all three beys went flying into the eny one sending it flying backwards. " good, but I'm better" said mike. " Perseus, flaming saber!" perseus's beast ca
came out and beat all there beys with one strike. " that was fun but I could do just a teensy bit more damage!" said mike, evilly. Perseus aimed it's sword at Octavia and fired. At the last second, Aidan jumped up and pushed her out of the way, taking the hit for her. He went flying backward and hit the wall, his clothes torn and huge scar across his eye. " oh my god, Aidan!" said Octavia. She ran over to him and gently ran her hands along his face, brushing his eyes gently. They slowly opened and he looked up at her, his eyes full of pain. " Octavia, become strong, strong enough to beat mike." said Aidan with little grunts of pain in between his talking. " no, I won't let it end like this, dont die on me, please." said Octavia, her eyes full of tears. " it's time for me to go Octavia , I love you." sifaka yes closed, and his hand fell to the ground. " NO" said Octavia as she burst into tears. Then she turned to mike, her eyes filled with anger unknown to any living being. Her eyes glowed a deep, deep red and she let of little shocks of red electricity. " DIE!" she said as she launched herself toward him. She landed a huge punch on him and he fell to the floor, his mouth bleeding heavily. Suddenly aidan's body started to float up in the air. " what the" said varn. Aidans body glowed blue and shook violently. Once the light faded, Aidan stood there, his body glowing blue. " now, let's battle" said Aidan with a set face. " AIDAN!!!!!" shouted Octavia as she ran up to him, and have him a long kiss. " what was that for?" said Aidan. " it was for surviving death!" said Octavia.

End of chapter 1.

I like pieB-)

Byerg · May. 11, 2012 3:48 AM

This belongs in the "Your Creations" section of the forum, but I'd expect that a mod will move this in the right place.
On topic about the story, grammar. Sadly, I'm somewhat of a freak about it and don't enjoy any written pieces that have such grammar usage as this. Please, capitalization and punctuation are two of the simplest things.
You could also try separating the dialogue from the story itself.
The story is somewhat mediocre to me. It doesn't seem very fluent and the transitions and transactions between characters are awkward.

Duck · May. 12, 2012 5:18 AM

This isn't a fanfiction, it's a story. If you'd like to see a REAL fanfic on the WBO, click the link in my signature. I suggest that you edit the title to "Beyblade Story: The Journey of a PegaBlader". Anyways, it's a nice story, but it needs grammar, like Granblue already said. I was laughing at the second chapter, it was really funny! "Yay, I get tacos today!" Plus, it isn't a bey that makes a blader stronger, it's the blader's spirit!!!