Beyblade VS Battle Strikers

Poll: What the heck do you think?

Awesome
33.62%
39
Great
7.76%
9
Pretty good
23.28%
27
Needs some work
17.24%
20
Boo!
18.10%
21
Total: 100% 116 vote(s)
Prologue

Author's Note: I hope you don't mind, readers, this prologue's going to be Reiji introducing himself and his friends. Plus, I do not, by all means, own Beyblade or Battle Strikers.

Hi, I'm Reiji, and I'm a Beyblader! Along with Milly, Jackie, and Alister, we make a butt-kickin' team, though we mostly participate in local tournaments, but we have ambitions to go big and hopefully take on Team Gan Gan Galaxy. With my butt-kickin' attack style, Milly's brains, Jackie's toughness, and Alister's coolness, we could totally take down any opponent even if he or she has a forbidden Beyblade! Speaking of which, we'll be at odds with some mysterious girl with an ice-cold forbidden Bey WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY later on in this story! But anyways...

*grabs and readies launcher*

3...

2...

1...

Go SHOOT!

*launches Vulcanium Ra D:D-M towards where the camera is, accidentally shattering the lens, record scratch SFX*

Oops! My bad! On with the story anyhow!

Chapter 1: Opening the Portal

It all started on an afternoon at a local WBBA shop, where four Beybladers are battling each other for fun in one of the shop's Beystadiums. First there's Reiji (not Reiji Mizuchi), an energetic, confident, never-give-up kind of guy with an Attack-type Beyblade to boot; Vulcanium Ra D:D-M, which uses the 4D System. The Delta Drive-Metal 4D Bottom can switch between an MB tip, an MS tip, and the MF tip, which Reiji uses most of the time. He also has a rivalry with the next character mentioned below.

His name is Alister, a serious, proud, and cool-headed guy, with a knack for executing skillful counterattacks with his 4D Beyblade, Hades Annihilate F:C, a Defense-type with incredible defensive and counterattacking capabilities. Like Ryuga's L-Drago Destroy F:S, Hades Annihilate F:C has a mode-changing 4D Fusion Wheel, as well as a mode-changing 4D Bottom, the Final Counterattack, which can be switched between a Wide Hole Flat tip, and a Ball tip. Plus, Alister (nicknamed Al for short) also finds heated arguments to be quite bothersome.

Next up is the brains of the group, the sweet and sensitive (not sensitive enough to overreact to things) Milly, who has a preference to Stamina-type strategies, but can cook up strategies for her teammates to use. She also has a formidable Stamina-type, Inferno Virgo WgD145WD, and is not afraid to use it in a Beyblade battle. She also has a crush on Alister, and will start worrying about the guy if something bad happens with him. Milly is also the team's Beyblade mechanic.

Last, but not least, there's Jackie, who is a tomboy, and had an abusive dad at one point, but that didn't stop her from having any fun in her life, or calling the police on him. She also has heterochromia, a rare genetic condition in which one eye is differently colored from the other. Asides from that, Jackie also boasts a powerful Balance-type Beyblade, Dark Pisces DF145JB.

While the four of them are battling, Reiji asked Milly if it would be possible to create a tear in the time-space continuum by combining the energies of four special attacks. She thought for a moment and replied to him that 60% of her believes that it wouldn't happen, and the other 40% is the opposite.

Alister replied that he could care less about opening tears in the time-space continuum, but would like to know what would happen, and he then ordered his Beyblade to do his signature special move, Underworld Black Arts: Crushing Counterattack, as the Defense-type 4D Bey assumed a dark-purplish aura that looked very intimidating and also spinning faster than usual.

Reiji is next to do his special move. "Let's go, Ra! Special Move: Sun God Blue Flame attack!", ordered Reiji to his Beyblade as it assumed a fiery blue aura that can produce a powerful heat wave that can slow down the opposing Bey, and in case you didn't know, the blue part of a flame is usually the hottest, and blue fire is extremely hot!

Milly went along as she ordered to her Bey to do its special move, the Infernal Empress Flare, in which the Bey assumed a red-hot aura and has its stamina increased dramatically.

Lastly Jackie commanded to her Dark Pisces, "Let's get it on, Pisces! Special Move: Great White Bite Strike!", as said top assumed a dark green aura and its defensive and offensive power increased.

At that moment when the tops made contact when performing their special attacks, the energy from them caused a very, very, VERY bright light to ensue in the center of the Beystadium as it then dissipated and a wormhole took its place. Reiji lets out a whoop and a holler, shouting, "It's working, guys! We've freaking broke open a tear in the time-space continuum!"

"Yeah, speak for yourself, Reiji, we're all getting sucked into an alternate reality where there probably ain't gonna be any Beyblades!", replied Jackie with an irritated tone as all four were sucked in and are going through the dimensional bounds.

"Yeah well, if they do and they're different than ours, it wouldn't be any different, now would it?!", argued Reiji back to Jackie.

Milly then said with concern in her voice, "Guys, please don't argue! I know where getting sucked into another dimension, but this isn't the time to argue about it!"

Alister then replied to the two in a stern voice, "I agree with Milly. Arguing will not solve anything." Milly blushed a bit when Alister said that he agreed with her.

"Well, what do we do asides from arguing, Al?", asks Reiji irritably. Alister then answered coolly, "For starters, Reiji, let's meet in the nearest town if we get separated from all of this." Everyone else agreed with Alister's suggestion before reaching the proverbial end of the tunnel...

Chapter End.

Let me know if I did anything wrong in your eyes. That means you, Temporal! :)

EDIT: On the advice of Sparta, I decided to change a few things
EDIT: I decided to cut the spoken dialogue a bit
EDIT: I added a disclaimer
EDIT: On the suggestion of one of my reviewers, I decided to put in an index so they wouldn't have to waste a minute or two going through the other pages just to get to a specific chapter! here it is below

INDEX

Chapter 2: http://worldbeyblade.org/Thread-Beyblade...675?page=2

Chapters 3 & 4: http://worldbeyblade.org/Thread-Beyblade...675?page=3

Chapter 5: http://worldbeyblade.org/Thread-Beyblade...675?page=4

Chapters 6A & 6B: http://worldbeyblade.org/Thread-Beyblade...675?page=5

Chapters 7, 8, & 9: http://worldbeyblade.org/Thread-Beyblade...675?page=6

Chapter 10: http://worldbeyblade.org/Thread-Beyblade...675?page=7

Chapters 11A, 11B, & 12A: http://worldbeyblade.org/Thread-Beyblade...675?page=8

Chapter 12B: http://worldbeyblade.org/Thread-Beyblade...675?page=9

Interlude 1: http://worldbeyblade.org/Thread-Beyblade...75?page=10

Chapters 13A & 13B: http://worldbeyblade.org/Thread-Beyblade...75?page=11

Chapter 13C1: http://worldbeyblade.org/Thread-Beyblade...75?page=13

Chapter 13C2 & Interlude 2: http://worldbeyblade.org/Thread-Beyblade...75?page=14

Chapter 14: http://worldbeyblade.org/Thread-Beyblade...#pid910804
I know you may think it's not exactly the best story ever, but you're right to think that way. Even when someone voted 'Boo!' on the opinion poll!
This has already been done. Several times.
Are you trolling me? Just asking.
Hrm... It's okay, but the whole "Rip in time-space" thing is forced. If it were me, it'd be an accident, and they definitely wouldn't be calm. In fact, I myself would be screaming and overall being a chicken. Make 'em seem surprised. This could work, it just needs something to draw in a reader. In fact. Reiji reminds me of Takashi from IGPX. Brash, confident, and an overall douche if you don't get to know him. This makes a good character, though Milly's affection for Allister seems forced. Make is, y'know, supposedly subtle. Like Milly thinks that nobody knows, but aside from Allister, it's pretty obvious. Pseudo-subtle, I like to call it. Of course, maybe Reiji's implied stupidity could get them into some trouble? (By the way, Inferno is best as an attack wheel. Throwing that out there. It's about as "graceful" as a mace. A spiked one that sends itself flying along with its poor opponent. Also, there is an implied rivalry between Allister and Reiji. Conflicting personalities makes this work, but due to Reiji's personality and his demeanor overall, they get along pretty well, no? Also, Jackie seems to argue with Reiji. This could be something of a running gag or something. Maybe someone mentions that they sound like a married couple, and they get embarrassed. It's pretty good so far.

Error check: Not many. Just make sure that you go back and edit things so they flow better.
Um, Temporal, Alister's name is spelled with one 'l'. Plus, Reiji and Alister does have a rivalry, as I intended. Plus, the thing where Reiji and Jackie argue like an old married couple until someone points it out and they get embarrassed, it's genius!
Ah, my bad on the spelling, my brain isn't working today. I was asking if you intended for the rivalry to be a major sub-plot. I guess that is a yes. And thank you for the 'genius' comment. Things like that are simple, but hard to pull off.
it needs a lot of work before it can be called good but I think you have talent
But...it's about twenty times better than your story, is it not? Do not criticize as if you are better when your story needs work too. In case you have not noticed, I am blunt. Very much so. I don't enjoy sugarcoating, but I hate it when people act high and mighty, throwing around words like "potential" when they are not even as good. At least he developed on an idea.
@ MarcoThePhoenix I kinda have to agree with Temporal on that one
@ Shadow L-drago: are you talking about my story, or are you also agreeing with Temporal?
One liners get you warned, y'know. You MAY wanna edit that post of yours, Shadow L-Drago.
You said it, Temporal! Smile
Just so you know, Chapter 2 is in the works, and it's almost done
(Aug. 03, 2011  12:02 AM)T. L-Drago 9207 Wrote: Hi, I'm Reiji, and I'm a Beyblader! Along with Milly, Jackie, and Mr. Serious himself Alister, we make a team.

Sounds kinda familiar...for some reason, the "Bakugan: Battle Brawlers" intro comes to mind...

OK, so:

1. Dialogues galore! You used a lot of dialogue in there, so try to get rid of some of it, if you can.

2. A little bit of a line spacing issue: whenever someone speaks (Unless someone speaks twice in a row), you need to create a new line. It helps your story look less cluttered.

Not terrible, but some work would definitely be necessary.
I've cut back some spoken dialogue and changed a few bits.
its pretty good... needs some work but it wasn't terrible...

also tbh people probably said boo because you mentioned Battle Strikers... its not that bad Wink
ah no wonder.
I decided that I'm going to do some revising on chapter 2
Good. Revision is how you improve. (Finally, a newish writer that puts in some effort. Took long enough.)
Thanks!

EDIT: Anyone got any ideas for my story?
Listen temporal I may not have been good but I you're sugar coating this story right now I'm not gonna take that. I appreciate your input and I wasn't trying to insult him and my new story is gonna kick carp so stop putting me down I believe it was you who said saying this is awesome when its not is not helpingg the situation
Pardon my spelling I'm using the mobile browser on my touchscreen phone
No, you listen Marco, Temporal is being appreciative that I'm revising chapter 2!
But...your new story sucks harder than your first one... Just sayin'. I never said it was awesome, I DID, however, say it was okay. It could use some elaboration, but it's not bad. Now, please stop attacking me when you take my words out of context.
(Aug. 03, 2011  3:27 AM)Temporal Wrote: Hrm... It's okay, but the whole "Rip in time-space" thing is forced.

Error check: Not many. Just make sure that you go back and edit things so they flow better.

Does THIS sound like "This is awesome!" to you? I applaud effort. I always have. I always will. He edited three or four times, and I respect that.