Beyblade Story: The Power of Death

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This is my first Beyblade story and my first public story, so this might not be very good. Anyways, here goes...

The Power of Death

Part 1

"Let it rip!" Two 12 year old boys shouted as the Beybattle between them begun.
"You've got no chance of winning Matt! Not whilst I have Hell Kerbecs!" bellowed Dan.
"Someone's over-confident." was Matt's calm response, "Your Hell Kerbecs is no match for my Thunder Sphinx!" Hell Kerbecs and Thunder Sphinx clashed time and time again, but neither Bey would give up.
"Special move!" Dan declared as a giant, black three-headed dog emerged from Hell Kerbec's facebolt, "Triple Flaming Oblivion!!!" Each of the three heads, at the sound of those words, unleashed a jet of black flames at Thunder Sphinx.
"Your Special move won't succeed," replied Matt, shaking his head, "Against the power of my Special move! Immortal Sandstorm!!!"
"I think not!" interrupted a deep, unknown voice as both Special moves were absorbed into the stranger's left hand.
"How dare you interrupt our battle!" exclaimed Dan and Matt in unison, "Just who do you think you are?!" Thunder Sphinx and Hell Kerbecs returned to Matt and Dan's hands and a brief silence ensued, only to be broken by the stranger.
"They call me Death, boys." declared the man in a sinister fashion. Both Dan and Matt gasped and they both became pale. The man who claimed to be called Death wore long black robes and had a hood concealing his hair and face from view. He had his Beyblade in his left hand, which was covered by a black glove whilst his right hand held his Beylauncher. Dan and Matt screamed in horror as they saw the hand. Where flesh should have been, there was none. Instead, there was only bone!
"Wh-what happened to your h-hand?" stuttered Dan and Matt, who were both shaking in fear at the sight of the bony hand that was holding the Beylauncher.
"Never mind that." Death muttered fiercely, "Now, you two are going to battle me." Dan and Matt stared at each other for a brief moment and considered the situation. They wanted to run from the park and enter their warm beds where no one could harm them, but their legs were frozen in place! Was it out of fear, Matt wondered, or was some other dark force at work, keeping them there to battle Death?
"You WILL battle me." Death repeated sternly, anger evident in his voice. Dan and Matt stared at each other, asking each other telepathically if there was a way to avoid this battle, but they both knew that there was no chance of this.
"Fine," Dan and Matt said, "Have it your way. We will battle you." Dan and Matt attached their Beyblades to their launchers and prepared to pull the ripcord to begin the batttle while Death laughed.
"Good, just as I had hoped. Prepare to suffer defeat at the hands of my Bey, Grim Reaper US145RF !" He laughed again as he attached Grim Reaper US145RF to its launcher.
"3, 2, 1," The three Bladers roared, "Let it rip!"

Part 2 will be coming soon and begin with the last line of this extract and continue onto the battle and end with a surprising twist. I'll probably put up part 2 on Christmas Eve. By the way, can someone give me advice on how to make your own Beyblade, like nwolf's Prime Drahelix for example? Thanks in advance to the person who gives me the advice I need.

Metal Cerberus is out. Peace!
Actually,this story wasnt to bad,though i would like to read part 2 before saying anything more Joyful_2
Trust me when I say this: part two's got most of the action in it. So it will(hopefully) be a lot better than part 1 was.

Metal Cerberus is out. Peace!
Can you format it so its easier to read please?
Like a new line for speech?
Done. Hopefully it is a lot easier to read now that I've placed each new speech on a new line.

Metal Cerberus is out. Peace!
Its a lot easier to read now thanks Smile

I hope there is going to be female in the story with a love complex for the two boys. THEN! A real story is born.
LOL at this^. That makes perfect sense. Anyways, awesome story! Nice and descriptive and now easier to read! If you ever need help, PM me. This probably going to better than my story!
A good way to introduce new characters is through siblings/relatives, past relationships.

My personal favourite is little sister complexes.

Lets say Death has a little sister that has affectionate feelings for Death, but Death has become apathetic due to his constant family issues, his father is a drinking and gambling addict whilst the mother is out trying to find new and stable love.

I think I might write something now... XD
(Dec. 22, 2010  12:54 AM)ZE12O Wrote: A good way to introduce new characters is through siblings/relatives, past relationships.

My personal favourite is little sister complexes.

Lets say Death has a little sister that has affectionate feelings for Death, but Death has become apathetic due to his constant family issues, his father is a drinking and gambling addict whilst the mother is out trying to find new and stable love.

I think I might write something now... XD

When I think about Death in this story, I see the Grim Reaper. If he had a sister...uh oh. Better idea! He killed his parents! Makes total sense! Anyways, we're getting off topic.
I'm afraid that I can't give out plot spoilers, but you'll find out what happens next on Friday. I probably will add a female character into the story to make the twist even more interesting.

Metal Cerberus is out. Peace!
ok do you want me to my freinds about your storys
not bad not bad at all! keep going