I wrote this story when I was about 12 years old. It was pretty bad and a bit embarrassing to read over, so I deleted it.

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“In the course of twenty crowded years, one parts with many illusions. I did not wish to lose the early ones. Some memories are realities, and are better than anything that can ever happen again.” -Jim Burden (My Ántonia)

Didn't see any mistakes. This is going to turn out to be a Beyblade story right? lol. Seems pretty good!

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6 God is watching and I hope you're prepared to face him

Aha, yah XD It's starting slow, I just gotta build up the scenery if you know what I mean.

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“In the course of twenty crowded years, one parts with many illusions. I did not wish to lose the early ones. Some memories are realities, and are better than anything that can ever happen again.” -Jim Burden (My Ántonia)

Can't wait for more

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Spoiler (Click to View)

Thanks Charizard3 for the Signature!
My Google+ My Skype: samuraifraid1 My Facebook My Twitter My Instagram

It gets the switchblad3r seal of approval, sooo much detail. Awesome job I will have to see chapter 2 before I vote though.

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l FREE SOUL l MY MUSIC l JOIN TSP l

Great job in building the scene, I can tell this will be a very good story.

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Important Stuff (Click to View)

Natsu smiles at his opponent, ready for combat. His reawakened spirit shines through his body, as he lights his fists. He jumps, as he breathes in the flames of hell itself, his lungs expanding rapidly... His 2 opponents stare in fear of their ferocious enemy and ready themselves...


Members I wish to battle:

Spoiler (Click to View)

1. Switchblad3r
   
2. XKai_DranzerX
   
3. Bularieleone
   
4. Kyler_the best
   
5. Luck
   
6. Blitz
   
7. Manicben
   
8. Akio314
   
9. Rnold201
   
10. Kai-v
    
11. Shining God MS
    
12. Ryukiba
    
13. Hakumen
    
14. SoulNinja
    
15. AZL
    
16. UltimiteOrion
    
17. Ingulit
    
18. Ga'Hooleone
    

I try and help the WBO, so here's some important threads, and some important posts. I haven't been on for a while, so pm me on updates please!! [spoiler]

1. BEYWIKI
   
2. The beywiki project
   
3. Difference between duo and phantom
   
4. WBO community rules
   
5. Comprtitive MFB discussions
   
6. Build me a combo
   
7. Competitive Heavy Metal System Combos
   
8. Misconception of R vs R2F and possibility of LRF
   
9. Bey Marketplace
   
10. Beginner's guide to custom MFB construction
    
11. A new, Experimental RuleSet?!
    
12. RS vs RDF vs RB vs CS vs RSF
    

Awesome ima make a bey story Beyblade:The Phoenix King Awakens

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I do not see anything wrong. I can't wait to see how this turns into a beyblade story though. It should be interesting and I hope you upload more chapters soon.

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Cause i'm just one hell of a butler guardian
Retired Beyblader, just a writer on Your Creations section
Want feedback on a story or need a judge? PM me, and I will try to give you tips and help you to the best of my ability.

You are a really good writer, and I didn't spot any grammar mistakes.

P.S, I have read all your other stories ad they were all AWESOME!

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Important Stuff (Click to View)

Natsu smiles at his opponent, ready for combat. His reawakened spirit shines through his body, as he lights his fists. He jumps, as he breathes in the flames of hell itself, his lungs expanding rapidly... His 2 opponents stare in fear of their ferocious enemy and ready themselves...


Members I wish to battle:

Spoiler (Click to View)

1. Switchblad3r
   
2. XKai_DranzerX
   
3. Bularieleone
   
4. Kyler_the best
   
5. Luck
   
6. Blitz
   
7. Manicben
   
8. Akio314
   
9. Rnold201
   
10. Kai-v
    
11. Shining God MS
    
12. Ryukiba
    
13. Hakumen
    
14. SoulNinja
    
15. AZL
    
16. UltimiteOrion
    
17. Ingulit
    
18. Ga'Hooleone
    

I try and help the WBO, so here's some important threads, and some important posts. I haven't been on for a while, so pm me on updates please!! [spoiler]

1. BEYWIKI
   
2. The beywiki project
   
3. Difference between duo and phantom
   
4. WBO community rules
   
5. Comprtitive MFB discussions
   
6. Build me a combo
   
7. Competitive Heavy Metal System Combos
   
8. Misconception of R vs R2F and possibility of LRF
   
9. Bey Marketplace
   
10. Beginner's guide to custom MFB construction
    
11. A new, Experimental RuleSet?!
    
12. RS vs RDF vs RB vs CS vs RSF
    

Thanks! Chapter 2 probably won't be up till later this week, with the tournament, then school and cross country.

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“In the course of twenty crowded years, one parts with many illusions. I did not wish to lose the early ones. Some memories are realities, and are better than anything that can ever happen again.” -Jim Burden (My Ántonia)

I saw a capitilization error in "why are you sitting alone" Other than that I love this.

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Harmony Kagamine Len Stats

Brave Frontier Squadron (Click to View)

6* Light: Harmony Kagamine Len -Spheres:
1. Medulla Gem
=-=-=-=-=-=-=

6* Light: Holy Light Atro-Spheres:
1. Refined Gem
=-=-=-=-=-=-=

6* Light: Divine Light Alyut -Spheres:
1. Medulla Gem
=-=-=-=-=-=-=

6* Fire: Inferno Claw Zegar -Spheres:
1. Medulla Gem
2. Champion Axe
=-=-=-=-=-=-=

5* Water: Divine Prince Arius -Spheres:
1. Steeple Rose

ZA WARUDO! TOKI WA TOMARE! SOSHITE TOKI WA UGOKI DESU! WRYYYYYYYYYYYY! KONO DIO DA!

Best Quote Of The Year (Click to View)

In the magical world of college, everything is Scantron.

Chapter 2 is up! Sorry its really short.

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“In the course of twenty crowded years, one parts with many illusions. I did not wish to lose the early ones. Some memories are realities, and are better than anything that can ever happen again.” -Jim Burden (My Ántonia)

On an off note, I like how Sabrina plays tennis. XD

Seriously though, I like this man. It's amazing. Hope it keeps up!!

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Come check out my Youtube Channel here! It's all about video games!

Thanks! That means so much coming from an amazing writer like you!
Chapter 3 is up by the way!

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Sorry for the double post, but chapter 4 is up too!

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“In the course of twenty crowded years, one parts with many illusions. I did not wish to lose the early ones. Some memories are realities, and are better than anything that can ever happen again.” -Jim Burden (My Ántonia)

I'm liking the story a lot, but I think you should put spaces between your dialogue and paragraphs. It makes it easier to read and lengthens your chapter a bit.

Other than that, still awesome!

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Come check out my Youtube Channel here! It's all about video games!

Do you mean:

Like this?
I tried doing it, but it just got messed up and so I gave up

But thanks!

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“In the course of twenty crowded years, one parts with many illusions. I did not wish to lose the early ones. Some memories are realities, and are better than anything that can ever happen again.” -Jim Burden (My Ántonia)

I kinda mean like how I normally post, perhaps 2-4 sentences, then a split. It cleans it up a bit easier and makes it easy to transition into a new paragraph.

Look at how I post. See how I leave that space to transition into a new topic. That's kinda what you should do.

You can also look at a couple other stories around here to use for reference.

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Come check out my Youtube Channel here! It's all about video games!

Ah, I gotcha. I'll definitely try to do that, thanks!

Depending on homework, chapter 5 may be up today.

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“In the course of twenty crowded years, one parts with many illusions. I did not wish to lose the early ones. Some memories are realities, and are better than anything that can ever happen again.” -Jim Burden (My Ántonia)

Chapter 5 is up! I may write chapter 6 soon.

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“In the course of twenty crowded years, one parts with many illusions. I did not wish to lose the early ones. Some memories are realities, and are better than anything that can ever happen again.” -Jim Burden (My Ántonia)

Great story so far. Nice suspense in the new chapter.

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Important Stuff (Click to View)

Natsu smiles at his opponent, ready for combat. His reawakened spirit shines through his body, as he lights his fists. He jumps, as he breathes in the flames of hell itself, his lungs expanding rapidly... His 2 opponents stare in fear of their ferocious enemy and ready themselves...


Members I wish to battle:

Spoiler (Click to View)

1. Switchblad3r
   
2. XKai_DranzerX
   
3. Bularieleone
   
4. Kyler_the best
   
5. Luck
   
6. Blitz
   
7. Manicben
   
8. Akio314
   
9. Rnold201
   
10. Kai-v
    
11. Shining God MS
    
12. Ryukiba
    
13. Hakumen
    
14. SoulNinja
    
15. AZL
    
16. UltimiteOrion
    
17. Ingulit
    
18. Ga'Hooleone
    

I try and help the WBO, so here's some important threads, and some important posts. I haven't been on for a while, so pm me on updates please!! [spoiler]

1. BEYWIKI
   
2. The beywiki project
   
3. Difference between duo and phantom
   
4. WBO community rules
   
5. Comprtitive MFB discussions
   
6. Build me a combo
   
7. Competitive Heavy Metal System Combos
   
8. Misconception of R vs R2F and possibility of LRF
   
9. Bey Marketplace
   
10. Beginner's guide to custom MFB construction
    
11. A new, Experimental RuleSet?!
    
12. RS vs RDF vs RB vs CS vs RSF
    

Chapter 6 is up! Sorry its short.

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“In the course of twenty crowded years, one parts with many illusions. I did not wish to lose the early ones. Some memories are realities, and are better than anything that can ever happen again.” -Jim Burden (My Ántonia)

I think the content is very interesting. I love it. However, you should really try spacing the lines as I mentioned before. It makes it look longer.

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Come check out my Youtube Channel here! It's all about video games!

Arg, I was in a rush, so I forgot about that. I'll do that next chapter.
But thanks for the compliments! The next chapter will probably be up by the end of the week.

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“In the course of twenty crowded years, one parts with many illusions. I did not wish to lose the early ones. Some memories are realities, and are better than anything that can ever happen again.” -Jim Burden (My Ántonia)

Ok, chapter 7 is up!

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“In the course of twenty crowded years, one parts with many illusions. I did not wish to lose the early ones. Some memories are realities, and are better than anything that can ever happen again.” -Jim Burden (My Ántonia)

Much better!! Now, when I space, I space between every dialogue switch, but I can see here that if you did so, it would've been MASSIVE, so it was actually a good move not to space EVERYTHING.

I'm loving the plot! Keep this up and you'll be like your old pal Deffy.

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Come check out my Youtube Channel here! It's all about video games!