Beyblade Neo Frontline (Beyblade Story) (Got Season 3 Part 3 sneak peek up)

Poll: Good Story?

Awesome!
15.79%
3
Good.
36.84%
7
Needs work
21.05%
4
Terrible
26.32%
5
Total: 100% 19 vote(s)
The parts are going to be put in spoilers so they don't take a bunch of space on a screen



Beyblade Neo Frontline
Season 1
Season 2
Season 3
This is great! I love it! I think its on par with JinbeeTheShark's fan series, 'Mecha Sentoki Beyblade'. You should do more Smile
Just a tip, don't underline sentences, it's harder to read.

Also, there are a couple of grammar mistakes, but not that many. Finally, try describing the environment more. The character descriptions are pretty good, but they could be in a pickle jar making company for all we know.

Anyway, it's a good start, keep it up!
I like this, it's good on detail and really sets me in the mood to beyblade, for some reason.

This could potentially be comparable to ones like Duals.
I feel so loved

Lmao, but it's good I guess.
(Aug. 20, 2014  12:54 PM)Dual Wrote: Just a tip, don't underline sentences, it's harder to read.

Also, there are a couple of grammar mistakes, but not that many. Finally, try describing the environment more. The character descriptions are pretty good, but they could be in a pickle jar making company for all we know.

Anyway, it's a good start, keep it up!
I actually don't know why the whole thing is underlined, I didn't have the little font selected. *shrugs* I also kinda imagined the battle in a junkyard Tongue_out
(Aug. 20, 2014  4:40 AM)MissKarat Wrote: This is great! I love it! I think its on par with JinbeeTheShark's fan series, 'Mecha Sentoki Beyblade'. You should do more Smile
Thanks! I intend to do more Grin
Just updated feel free to read part 2

(Aug. 20, 2014  12:54 PM)Dual Wrote: Just a tip, don't underline sentences, it's harder to read.

Also, there are a couple of grammar mistakes, but not that many. Finally, try describing the environment more. The character descriptions are pretty good, but they could be in a pickle jar making company for all we know.

Anyway, it's a good start, keep it up!
I came here to have fun and make a story, not go to online school.
Well if you don't want criticism, then this isn't the place to post a story. Excuse me for trying to help your writing.
(Sep. 01, 2014  4:32 PM)Dual Wrote: Well if you don't want criticism, then this isn't the place to post a story. Excuse me for trying to help your writing.
I'm OK with the criticism, but I just don't want to be taught, the way you posted that reply made it seem like you were trying to teach me something, something that of course, a teacher would say Smile
Criticism is telling you what should be changed, so you're contradicting yourself.
(Sep. 01, 2014  9:19 PM)KirbyRobot Wrote:
(Sep. 01, 2014  4:32 PM)Dual Wrote: Well if you don't want criticism, then this isn't the place to post a story. Excuse me for trying to help your writing.
I'm OK with the criticism, but I just don't want to be taught, the way you posted that reply made it seem like you were trying to teach me something, something that of course, a teacher would say Smile

Hah, you overload your information: too many run on sentences. No character development, really.
(Sep. 01, 2014  9:28 PM)Neo Wrote:
(Sep. 01, 2014  9:19 PM)KirbyRobot Wrote:
(Sep. 01, 2014  4:32 PM)Dual Wrote: Well if you don't want criticism, then this isn't the place to post a story. Excuse me for trying to help your writing.
I'm OK with the criticism, but I just don't want to be taught, the way you posted that reply made it seem like you were trying to teach me something, something that of course, a teacher would say Smile

Hah, you overload your information: too many run on sentences. No character development, really.
It's the beginning... how do you expect much character development in the first two parts hmm? Besides in the end I don't really care about grammar or English. Finally, I'm trying to overload on information, besides it's kind of a writers job to give good detail, and even if it seems like too much, INFORMATION. Also DUAL I've been writing since I was 3, and I know most of the definitions of the words I know. Criticism is when somebody judges you, with negative results.
Ok, if you've been writing since you were 3, you should care about grammar and English. Also, you should know the correct definition of criticism, which is: the analysis and judgment of the merits and faults of a literary or artistic work. Unless you want to take it up with Merriam Webster, I think the dictionary is correct.
(Sep. 01, 2014  9:46 PM)KirbyRobot Wrote:
(Sep. 01, 2014  9:28 PM)Neo Wrote:
(Sep. 01, 2014  9:19 PM)KirbyRobot Wrote: I'm OK with the criticism, but I just don't want to be taught, the way you posted that reply made it seem like you were trying to teach me something, something that of course, a teacher would say Smile

Hah, you overload your information: too many run on sentences. No character development, really.
It's the beginning... how do you expect much character development in the first two parts hmm? Besides in the end I don't really care about grammar or English. Finally, I'm trying to overload on information, besides it's kind of a writers job to give good detail, and even if it seems like too much, INFORMATION. Also DUAL I've been writing since I was 3, and I know most of the definitions of the words I know. Criticism is when somebody judges you, with negative results.

Well it makes no sense at all.
It's like "HEY IM DIS GUY AND HERSS MY BAYBLAYDE OH I HAS DIS GURL FRIEND SHE REALLY BAYBLAYDE 2 OMG BATTLEZ WITH DIS GUY". No offense.
You don't see books written unintelligently. You have to spell thing properly and not wing it all the time. Don't defend something that is flawed and you know it.
(Sep. 02, 2014  2:11 AM)Neo Wrote:
(Sep. 01, 2014  9:46 PM)KirbyRobot Wrote:
(Sep. 01, 2014  9:28 PM)Neo Wrote: Hah, you overload your information: too many run on sentences. No character development, really.
It's the beginning... how do you expect much character development in the first two parts hmm? Besides in the end I don't really care about grammar or English. Finally, I'm trying to overload on information, besides it's kind of a writers job to give good detail, and even if it seems like too much, INFORMATION. Also DUAL I've been writing since I was 3, and I know most of the definitions of the words I know. Criticism is when somebody judges you, with negative results.

Well it makes no sense at all.
It's like "HEY IM DIS GUY AND HERSS MY BAYBLAYDE OH I HAS DIS GURL FRIEND SHE REALLY BAYBLAYDE 2 OMG BATTLEZ WITH DIS GUY". No offense.
You don't see books written unintelligently. You have to spell thing properly and not wing it all the time. Don't defend something that is flawed and you know it.
Dude you need to calm down, I try my best. I can't be picture perfect, and I can't be #worldsbestblader I make mistakes, and last I checked there were no spelling mistakes. Making a story is sorta like making an animation, just you read it, and stuff... anyways it takes time. Besides there are books that have minor errors that were skipped over, a book series that's a victim is Warrior Cats by Erin Hunter (5 people BTW) besides, you say this as if you haven't made a single mistake in your life. Besides blame my teachers for giving me A's and B's in Grammar, and English. Also, HOW DOES THIS; "HEY IiM DIS GUY AND HERSS MY BAYBLAYDE OH I HAS DIS GURL FRIEND SHE REALLY BAYBLAYDE 2 OMG BATTLEZ WITH DIS GUY" HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT (from what I can understand) IS HOW A CHARACTER MATURES. Listen Neo I respect you, but you basically said I'm unintelligent when you said "You don't see books written unintelligently." Sure I may have a bunch of run-on sentences, but WHO CARES. MISTAKES ARE HOW YOU LEARN. When you say "HEY IM DIS GUY AND HERSS MY BAYBLAYDE OH I HAS DIS GURL FRIEND SHE REALLY BAYBLAYDE 2 OMG BATTLEZ WITH DIS GUY" you basically turned something I worked hard on and turned it into something that I may have to scrap and rework. It was really immature to say that, it's also very hurtful, you're making me feel like I AM a 3 year old. Besides I'm aware I'm guilty of doing the same but at least I had good reason. In the end I'm defending something that's flawed because I can. I'll defend hasbro if I want, but I still think they were being really lazy when they made the non-4D system. This is already starting to escalate, way higher then it needs to. I think (If I can) I might just turn off replies. Neo I'm sorry if I seem like a huge jerk, but I worked hard, it took me a bit of time to get this done. Sorry again for being a huge jerk Smile now let's have a fun beybattle and #RUNAWAY!!!!
I just summed up what I read and that about it. You had too many Run ons, and it seems rushed. Let's get to know the characters before you do anything else. Take it slowly, so we understand and grow with the characters. Now what you wrote actually could've worked as if this were a sequel to something, but it truly comes off as "Here; understand this" to the audience. Sorry if I offended you, it's just that I can't grow with a story feeling so rushed.

/rant
UPDATING SOON. Expect Frontline Part 3 soon!
After almost 2 months, I FINALLY have part 3 up! Feel free to read it and sutch
Hmmm...It seems interesting,Like Dual said it has some spelling/grammar mistakes but other than that it seems good

also I think you should space out your sentences/paragraphs instead of cramming them in. Smile
Not too bad, asides a few grammatical errors the story always seems to keep me interested.
this....needs a lot of work.....too much grammatical errors and the story doesn't develop the character in the right pace.
(Oct. 21, 2014  6:50 PM)HolyPhoenix5 Wrote: this....needs a lot of work.....too much grammatical errors and the story doesn't develop the character in the right pace.
*sigh* I get this alot. Again, I said this in my argument with Neo/Dual. I try my best. And how am I supposed to get basic character development, in the first 3 parts? I already started, but just slightly. Also THE CHARACTER? Uhhh... okay? which character? If you mean Neo, I've already just started to expand on him, my best. As for Naomi, Jason, Maxim (I think, I don't really remember, it's been a while Tongue_out), Neo's mother, and Neo's cousin? Well Naomi will get more of a backstory soon enough, and I want to keep Jason untouched for a while. Maxim won't really appear again for a while, but I intend on doing more with Dawson (Neo's cousin) and his Mother. Sorry gtg I have school



ALSO, when I get back from school I'm doing an unboxing of a MegaRing on my channel. Then I will try to get part 4 out.
(Oct. 23, 2014  3:21 PM)KirbyRobot Wrote:
(Oct. 21, 2014  6:50 PM)HolyPhoenix5 Wrote: this....needs a lot of work.....too much grammatical errors and the story doesn't develop the character in the right pace.
*sigh* I get this alot. Again, I said this in my argument with Neo/Dual. I try my best. And how am I supposed to get basic character development, in the first 3 parts? I already started, but just slightly. Also THE CHARACTER? Uhhh... okay? which character? If you mean Neo, I've already just started to expand on him, my best. As for Naomi, Jason, Maxim (I think, I don't really remember, it's been a while Tongue_out), Neo's mother, and Neo's cousin? Well Naomi will get more of a backstory soon enough, and I want to keep Jason untouched for a while. Maxim won't really appear again for a while, but I intend on doing more with Dawson (Neo's cousin) and his Mother. Sorry gtg I have school



ALSO, when I get back from school I'm doing an unboxing of a MegaRing on my channel. Then I will try to get part 4 out.

thats your problem, you cant just throw too much about the character straight away, you want to show the character fully too quickly, instead of doing it a few episodes.

If you want to boot your full character right out then that's fine but it's not as good of and development as we would like, anyways it's my opinion.
(Oct. 24, 2014  12:40 AM)HolyPhoenix5 Wrote:
(Oct. 23, 2014  3:21 PM)KirbyRobot Wrote:
(Oct. 21, 2014  6:50 PM)HolyPhoenix5 Wrote: this....needs a lot of work.....too much grammatical errors and the story doesn't develop the character in the right pace.
*sigh* I get this alot. Again, I said this in my argument with Neo/Dual. I try my best. And how am I supposed to get basic character development, in the first 3 parts? I already started, but just slightly. Also THE CHARACTER? Uhhh... okay? which character? If you mean Neo, I've already just started to expand on him, my best. As for Naomi, Jason, Maxim (I think, I don't really remember, it's been a while Tongue_out), Neo's mother, and Neo's cousin? Well Naomi will get more of a backstory soon enough, and I want to keep Jason untouched for a while. Maxim won't really appear again for a while, but I intend on doing more with Dawson (Neo's cousin) and his Mother. Sorry gtg I have school



ALSO, when I get back from school I'm doing an unboxing of a MegaRing on my channel. Then I will try to get part 4 out.

thats your problem, you cant just throw too much about the character straight away, you want to show the character fully too quickly, instead of doing it a few episodes.

If you want to boot your full character right out then that's fine but it's not as good of and development as we would like, anyways it's my opinion.
WHAT CHARACTER ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?? SRSLY!? WHO!!????