World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc. Off-Topic Forums Your Creations

Beyblade ABBS (Advanced BeyBlade System)

Mar. 12, 2012  1:18 PM
 
Episode 1:Kaito, No.1
3 2 1 LET IT RIIIIP! Kaito launched Howling WereWolfJ105CHF at the other beys with his Turbine Launcher. "Go! special move: Lunar uppercut!" His little brother Kenji started crying "I won't ever win,never ever"he sobbed. "I thought so"Kaito said. Suddenly Kaito felt something slam the back of his head. "What is wrong with you?"said Fumio. " It's that you bonked me on the head! You Jerk!" Kaito yelled. The kids at Bey park giggled hysterically.[/size]
Kaito:our hero, he has spiky blonde hair and a red jacket. Fumio:Kaitos' best friend he has red spiky hair,a blue t-shirt with a gold bird on it. Kenji:Kaitos' little brother has blond spiky hair, and a t-shirt with long sleeves under it and a rhino on the front.
Apr. 21, 2012  1:53 PM
 
Part 2 of chapter 1
"Fumio, are you ready? Kaito said with a slightly evil grin on his face." You bet, Kaito" "3 2 1 Let it rip!". The beys slammed into the stadium. Howling WereWolfJ105CHF quickly switched tips to MF. Thunder WingW145MJB sped up to ram into WereWolf while he was doing the same. Neither attack made contact. CLACK! Both beys hit the floor in seconds. Fumio's grampa ran in and yelled "FUMIO! YOU'RE LATE FOR OUR BATTLE! COME ON!
Apr. 21, 2012  2:24 PM
 
Alright time to get down to this,

dialouge goes like this

"Hey" Ochiru says.
"Yo" Daseki says.

and make the chapters longer.
Also your story is a little too fast put in more detail when you are re writing chapter 1 but don't have too much detail. I assume you are gonna re write.
otherwise this is an okay story.


Apr. 22, 2012  7:47 PM
 
I am going to put all the parts of each chapter into a "Chapter wrap up" and when more people post I will post more parts.
Apr. 22, 2012  7:54 PM
 
Put the chapters in the OP. Then, the parts would be easier to find. Also, don't write chapters as short as a paragraph. Lengthen them. Think of a book, and how long their chapters are! Wink
Apr. 22, 2012  8:06 PM
 
I know it's weird but I get ideas at random times, therefore, I put chapters in part 1,2,3 etc. but for my short chapters I will tell you a spoiler. Kaito destroys bet park in a tournament, and until tomorrow I will answer any question about the story.
Apr. 24, 2012  2:30 AM
 
(Apr. 22, 2012  8:06 PM)Akio314 Wrote: I know it's weird but I get ideas at random times, therefore, I put chapters in part 1,2,3 etc. but for my short chapters I will tell you a spoiler. Kaito destroys bet park in a tournament, and until tomorrow I will answer any question about the story.

Then what happens in the end?
Apr. 24, 2012  6:32 PM
 
Shirayuki, my friend, he isn't going to reply... Nice story, I suggest you proofread your story in MS Word to fix spelling mistakes. Also, you should work on formating and follow Shirayuki's advice on dialoge. You beat me to it, Shirayuki, you rat!
Apr. 24, 2012  9:06 PM
 
(Apr. 24, 2012  6:32 PM)Fakirs Duck Wrote: Shirayuki, my friend, he isn't going to reply... Nice story, I suggest you proofread your story in MS Word to fix spelling mistakes. Also, you should work on formating and follow Shirayuki's advice on dialoge. You beat me to it, Shirayuki, you rat!

Lol I know *trollface*
Apr. 26, 2012  12:12 AM
 
Chapter 2: Fumio takes the cake
"Grampa, I'm home!" said Fumio."Yes Fumio, and I'm alive". Fumio's grandfather stepped in front of him. "50 PUSH-UPS! NOW!", Mr. Ryua said. Fumio did part one of his workout in a near-minute. the hard work continued with squats, sit-ups, running track , and jumping jacks. 'Now, I'm ready for the main course" Panted Fumio, Fumio grabbed his launcher of the bench. "Remember Fumio, horse stance", said his grandfather. "3! 2! 1! LET IT RIP!" The two said in unison. The beys zipped around the skateboarding dish. Thunder WingW145MJB did a swift attack that hit his Grampa's bey into a wall and reversed to do another attack and barrage the opponent. Suddenly two beys called Flame HawkB150BS and Frost HawkB150FB smacked Wing out of the dish in seconds. "Hey, I was winning" Fumio said to his sisters. "Baby's gonna cry about it" Makoto and Kyoko said. That night Fumio went to Bey Park mumbling something incomprehensible. "Hey" a voice whispered. "Rip your bey" a slightly different voice said. Fumio obediently followed the orders. Two other beys slammed into the stadium, attacked Fumio's Bey and successfully crashed into it. "Baby's not going to retaliate" The girls said at once. "Quit teasing me, I'm twelve years old and I'm not taking that from my BIG sisters, what would Daisuki say if he heard us?" Fumio said to his sisters. "Special Move: Ultimate Talon attack" said the girls. Their beys both shot out their "Bullets" out of their tracks and sped toward Thunder Wing. "Special Move: Thunderbird Wing Slash" Fumio said right before his bey released two large wings from his metal wheel.
Any Questions yet?
Apr. 26, 2012  12:57 AM
 
(Apr. 26, 2012  12:12 AM)Akio314 Wrote: Very large quote with the question inception

What happens in the end?

Apr. 26, 2012  1:12 AM
 
You just read all of chapter two. This chapter was thought of on a bus by Fumio626 and I a few months ago.
P.S. in the end Kaito fights a long battle and learns to control a dark spirit inside his soul.
Apr. 26, 2012  1:20 AM
 
(Apr. 24, 2012  6:32 PM)Fakirs Duck Wrote: Quote calling me a rat.

He told me what happens at the end Hah!
Apr. 26, 2012  2:22 AM
 
Guys, look at my avatar. That is Kaito! I'm going to draw Fumio soon and give it to Fumio626.