Bey Series - The Four Pillars, Chapter 5 is up! Review Please!

Poll: How good is my story

Awesome
20.00%
3
Quite Good
33.33%
5
OK
33.33%
5
Bad
13.33%
2
Total: 100% 15 vote(s)
What this is: A story that was originally created for laughs, has turned into something important to me, and hopefully, interesting to many, many viewers.

What I started with:
THE EDGE - FINISHED
(Warning short as I can't write much on phone)
Chapter one: A new day, A new blade
Chapter two: Some more battles
Chapter three: Ryu Kogo
Chapter four: Ambush, Prt 1
Chapter five: Not going down, Prt 2
Chapter six: A new Riptide
Chapter seven: Old friendship, Old rivalry
Chapter eight: The day of battle
Chapter nine: The tournament begins
Chapter ten: The tournament continues
Chapter eleven: A snap into the past
Chapter twelve: A new tournament type!
Chapter thirteen: Ace reborn
 Chapter fourteen: Secrets revealed
Chapter fifteen: All wrapped up
THE END!


The Four Pillars

Chapter one: An unexpected beymatch
Chapter two: Broken Blades, Broken Days
Chapter three: Awoken memories
Chapter Four: Unexpected challenges...
Chapter Five: Dangerous Deals
Character name: Dan Rumaru
Age: 15
Appearance: Black boy (Medium Skin Tone) with a Black T-Shirt and Blue Jeans (Appear to be Skinny) with a chain in his pocket. He has spike-like wrist bands like this and has Black high top shoes with black accents. He has black dreadlocks.
Bio: He was raised in the dark nebula before it was destroyed. He vowed to get revenge on gingka and his friends therefore, becoming a bad guy. He never knew his parents.
Lifestyle: He doesn't really have a home. He travels to different Bey parks to conquer them and also to search for Gingka. He never cheats in Beyblade though.
Beyblade nameEeeagle MS (15G Weight Disk)
Element: Wind
Beyblades special move(s): Howling Arrow: Shoots itself at the opponents spin track trying to crack it. Dark Wing Slash: A Dark aura surrounds Eagle and it launches up into the air and comes crashing down in the opponents bit protector.
Okay can you change the bey name and spin track and tip and the character's name, because you have USED him already. Also, it is an HMS story.
(Aug. 23, 2013  2:09 PM)jacolal Wrote: Okay can you change the bey name and spin track and tip and the character's name, because you have USED him already. Also, it is an HMS story.
Oh ok. I edited it
Character name:Ace Hatawari
Age: 14
Appearance:black pants An pilots blue jacket white shirt,blue eyes,Grey snow like misty hair,black combat boots,black fingerless gloves.
Bio: Ace hatawari is an blader that is from where it is peaceful ,he loves the sky he is an pilot a great one two his bey is Soaring Phoenix MS is a sky and cloud phoenix.
Lifestyle:His lifestyle is is a nice one he lives a simple life.... Mbut my night he is a rouge blader that helps.the blazers in need of help he vanishes in thin air because of his bey air elements and appears out of thin air.he is a very skilled ninja.
Beyblade name: Soaring phoenix MS
Element: Sky and Cloud
Beyblades special move(s)Confusedky Dive Mirage,Phoenix jin mist attack,Phoenix wind crushing up crash,Twinn wing Flame sword flash.
Any particular abilities the beyblade has:It can move so fast it defuses the air and disappears and reappears,Can dodge hits in about seconds
Roles of people, and roles I would like to be:Main characters Allie or friend,Rival
Updated op. So now I only need 1 side character and 1 villain sidekicks. Also I changed your character a bit.
Okay, chapter one is up, i am working on length, won't let me type any more in... GRRRRRR
Eh, it's... Okay. There are a a few grammar and spelling mistakes too.
Updated my first chapter again, Also point out the mistakes, I am only 13 but I am trying not to make mstakes.
Thanks and don't worry your character will he verry important in this story.
Ok I'm talking to Switchy right now about the accident
I like the first chapter it's pretty cool!Smile
Yeah it was great but I loved that battle I wish I would of disappeared after the battle and Dragon Empress you should submit a character
Ok here's my character!Grin
Name: Ryu Kōgō (I love Japanese names!XD)
Gender: Female
Age:15
Appearance: wears a black pullover that has blue flame markings on the sleeves and has a blue dragon head on top of the hoodie, black basketball shorts, has black hair and bangs with blue highlights at the tips, black eyes ( lol soo much black)
Bio: Though she may sound creepy, Ryu is a team player who will partner up with anyone if they need help in a beybattle.
Life style: She likes to look for Bladers who need help fighting mean/bad people. She loves running all over town in search for a beybattle.
Bey: Ice Drago MS
Element: Air/Ice
Special Moves: Ice Slice Tornado, Frozen Shield
Ultimate Moves: Meteor Bomb, Ring of Elements
Its a Hms beyblade story and Element(Please not fire, fire element is waaaayyyy overused.)I copy and pased from.above I know that no fire thing irritates me two Since I love My phoenix. But that sky and cloud elements help me.
(Aug. 25, 2013  9:01 AM)XKai_DranzerX Wrote: Its a Hms beyblade story and Element(Please not fire, fire element is waaaayyyy overused.)I copy and pased from.above I know that no fire thing irritates me two Since I love My phoenix. But that sky and cloud elements help me.

Fixed it.... I think?
Yeah its fixed but just change fire it can't be your main element but it can be and Lol. Is black your favorite colors
Can it be ice Drago because fire is used too muck?
@samuraiifraid1 your character will be used roprobably on chapter 4 and onwards.
(Aug. 25, 2013  9:10 AM)XKai_DranzerX Wrote: Yeah its fixed but just change fire it can't be your main element but it can be and Lol. Is black your favorite colors

Ok I changed it to air/ice? And black is my second favorite color, blue is my first!!Grin
Sorry to get a little off topic)

(Aug. 25, 2013  9:16 AM)jacolal Wrote: Can it be ice Drago because fire is used too muck?
@samuraiifraid1 your character will be used roprobably on chapter 4 and onwards.

Changed it to thatSmile
I'll put ryukiba's character in chapter 3. Chapter 2 should be up later tomorrow.
Ok cool!! Can't wait!Smile
Lets see what ace the decided of the wind will do next.
I still need one sidekick for the villain. And you are only allowed to give one character so someone new has to give it to me.