World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc. Off-Topic Forums Your Creations

ANOTHER story i made(i cant think of a title)

Poll: do you like my story?

definitely
53.85%
7
maybe
23.08%
3
*get's shotgun*STOP WRITING
23.08%
3
Total: 100% 13 vote(s)
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May. 22, 2011  3:00 PM
 
-----Chapter 1-----
*the day that change everything*


It was a rainy day,and Axel can't do anything he wants to do outside."sigh,guess i wont be able to play with my friends"said Axel.it was Christmas day,the day he got his first bey,Tornado Pegasis TH170WD.

''don't be sad,son.I'm sure the rain will go away"encouraged his mom.''okay,then!i'll just go upstairs and play the computer"said Axel."the computer systems were down,remember?"said his mom."AHHH!why did i forget?!now what should I do now?!"panicked Axel."if i were you,start playing with the bey I gave you"suggested his mom.

he ran upstairs,throwing his Bey in the his bed,and sat down near his computer."man!from all the gifts I can get,i got one,carpy,spinning top!"regretted Axel.Then,all of a sudden,his bey glowed a bluish kind of color.''you calling me carpy?"said the bey."y-you can t-talk?!!"asked Axel to the bey."why,you think i'm the only bey that can't talk?sheesh,people this days...anyways,the names pega"said the bey."I am one of the celestial creatures,that can talk,and apparently,I am partnered with you"the bey added.''hey,what's the problem?anyways,why are you here?what are you doing in this place?''asked Axel.''well........."

To be continued......
comments,suggestions will be REALLY helpful
also,please vote on poll.
May. 22, 2011  3:04 PM
 
why don't you call it signal: 9? as in a really strong tornado?
May. 22, 2011  3:05 PM
 
(May. 22, 2011  3:04 PM)Nwolf Wrote: why don't you call it signal: 9? as in a really strong tornado?

hmm,maybe.......
May. 22, 2011  3:08 PM
 
Your grammar needs some adjustments; there should be spaces after punctuation marks. Also, try not to make the whole thing dialogue. Add some detail, what does he look like? What does his dog look like?
May. 22, 2011  3:10 PM
 
(May. 22, 2011  3:08 PM)Sparta Wrote: Your grammar needs some adjustments; there should be spaces after punctuation marks. Also, try not to make the whole thing dialogue. Add some detail, what does he look like? What does his dog look like?

actually,im thinking about your co-writing service......might be good :\
May. 22, 2011  3:10 PM
 
How about this title...

"Untapped Power"
May. 22, 2011  3:15 PM
 
(May. 22, 2011  3:10 PM)dragoonrocks Wrote: How about this title...

"Untapped Power"

HMM,this might be a VERY hard decision.....
May. 22, 2011  3:22 PM
 
When will the next chapter come out because that was a good story?! Also I think the title should be called The bey spirit withen.
May. 22, 2011  3:42 PM
 
..Hehe..Good. Like Sparta's suggestions, yeah, fix that! Also, you love writing do you? You keep making new stories.
May. 22, 2011  4:44 PM
 
(May. 22, 2011  3:10 PM)quetzacoatl Wrote:
(May. 22, 2011  3:08 PM)Sparta Wrote: Your grammar needs some adjustments; there should be spaces after punctuation marks. Also, try not to make the whole thing dialogue. Add some detail, what does he look like? What does his dog look like?

actually,im thinking about your co-writing service......might be good :\

Yah, problem is right now about 3 people have already PM'd me about it, so now I've got to write 3 chapters! I should make a waiting list...

anyways, keep up the good work.
May. 22, 2011  4:49 PM
 
(May. 22, 2011  4:44 PM)Sparta Wrote:
(May. 22, 2011  3:10 PM)quetzacoatl Wrote:
(May. 22, 2011  3:08 PM)Sparta Wrote: Your grammar needs some adjustments; there should be spaces after punctuation marks. Also, try not to make the whole thing dialogue. Add some detail, what does he look like? What does his dog look like?

actually,im thinking about your co-writing service......might be good :\

Yah, problem is right now about 3 people have already PM'd me about it, so now I've got to write 3 chapters! I should make a waiting list...
anyways, keep up the good work.

I know that your busy.

Also,to everybody,thanks for all the comments!

BeybladerPotter just a story writer,avatar and sig maker,and a member of this orginization
May. 22, 2011  9:34 PM
 
nice story dude keep it up
May. 23, 2011  1:46 AM
 
thank you!

anyways,no chapter today!going to enroll for school....
May. 23, 2011  2:47 PM
 
-----chapter 2-----
*the man*



‘’well, we are trying to hide from our fears, the ‘’mandarins’’. They are people who owns dark bey and hunts us for our powers’’ said the bey. ‘’so, you are telling me you are not alone?’’ asked Axel. ‘’yes, I am not alone. You see, we are exactly 5, and one of us is dead, and that’s number 4” said the bey. ‘’so, all I do is protect you? That’s it?’’ said Axel. ’’that’s not your only job. Because I choose you, you have the power to take the darkness away from the person’s heart that the dark bey attached within him, OR you can destroy the bey AND destroy the person possessed’’ said the bey.



‘’man, being your guardian really is all work…..’’said Axel. ‘’well, you can still do a lot of stuff, like going out and play with your friends, or use the computer, or even study’’ said the bey. ‘’it means I can still do a lot of stuff even if I am protecting you?’’ asked Axel. ‘’yes, anymore questions?’’. ‘’nope,let’s go to sleep now’’ suggested Axel, and both of Axel closed the light.


The next day, Axel was out going to his friend’s house. It was a bright day, people were walking even with the scorching hot sun. as Axel reached the 12th avenue, he was almost hit that looks like a bey. ‘’what the-?’’ said Axel. Out of nowhere, a man appeared, picking his bey up, and aims it at Axel. ‘’give me what I want, and I will let you live…..’’said the man.

hope you guys like this one( i did what sparta told me.....i think)
May. 23, 2011  4:31 PM
 
Spooky, also how meny chapters are the?
May. 24, 2011  1:28 AM
 
it isnt themed spooky.

also,i think ill right this story until i can,then off to sparta's co-writing session thingy
May. 24, 2011  6:39 AM
 
-----chapter 3-----
*it started with one bey*

“err, what do you want from me?!” said Axel. “I only want that Bey you have” said the man. “never! I will never give Pega to you!” shouted Axel, putting Pega in his launcher. “ok then, if that’s want you want, then I’ll give it to you!” shouted the man, as he puts his bey into his launcher


“3,2,1,GO SHOOT!’’
both bey landed at the floor, and started to collide. As Pega seems to be winning, the man’s bey glowed purple. “oh no! Axel, be careful! He is using dark energy….” Said Pega. “now, Pega! Finnish him off like there’s no tomorrow!’’ shouted Axel. Pega smashes the man’s bey, but it seems it is enduring the hits. “what?!” said Axel. ‘’HAHA! You think you can beat me with simple moves? Let’s see if your bey can endure this! Now, Aquila, dark soaring claw!” shouted the man. The Bey jumped, and hits Pega right at the face. “PEGA! ENDURE IT!” screamed Axel. “ARGHHHH!!” screamed Pega.


Sparks flew as the beys collided. Axel couldn’t move, as he was paralyzed with fear. “pega…..no….” cried Axel. “hmph, You are Weak as I expected. I cant believe that bey choose you to be its guardian” boasted the man. “ I’m not weak….neither is pega! Now, Pega! Hurricane gust!” shouted Axel.

to be continued......

comment,rate,suggest!
I almost forgot, I TAKE CHARACTER REQUEST!
May. 24, 2011  8:50 AM
 
can u use Izuma?
May. 24, 2011  8:57 AM
 
cool story
May. 24, 2011  11:12 AM
 
(May. 24, 2011  8:50 AM)Dracovianauis Wrote: can u use Izuma?

sure.but dont expect them to be main characters.....as i will only choose one of them..
May. 24, 2011  11:13 AM
 
okey doke, sweet story too
May. 24, 2011  11:57 AM
 
-----chapter 4----
*the move that healed*

A powerful hurricane occurred. Aquila can’t even endure the winds, and was sent away like it’s just a piece of paper. “ha! What can you say now?” shouted Axel. “impressive is all can I say. But do you think you can beat me with that kind of move? Seriously, what kind of blader has a move that only sends winds to protect himself?” boasted the man. “look who’s winning!” responded Axel. “please, what kind of lame boy you have there, Pega. I can’t believe you choose him! What are you, blind?” said the man. “Axel! Don’t let him fool you!” shouted Pega. “err, NOW PEGA!” shouted Axel.


Pega attacks fiercely. Aquila glowed much brighter than before. “w-what’s going on?” asked Axel. “its because your anger fed the bey’s dark power!” answered Pega. “ok, let’s finish this! PEGA!” shouted Axel. Pega glowed blue, and smashes Aquila away with tremendous force. “aquila! Claw killer!” shouted the man. Aquila fell from the sky with dark energy surrounding it. “hurricane gust!” shouted Axel.


Both beys collided, Aquila in midair and Pega on the ground. “go,Pega!” chanted Axel. “destroy him!” shouted the man. Powerful winds were produced, sending almost anything. “we….can…DO THIS!” shouted Axel. Pega was able to break the dark energy that Aquila produced. “WHAT?!!” shouted the man

to be continued......
comments will be helpful
May. 24, 2011  1:17 PM
 
(May. 24, 2011  11:13 AM)Dracovianauis Wrote: okey doke, sweet story too

Um,can you please give me the info of them Again?
May. 24, 2011  2:09 PM
 
sure, as soon as im done with my exams!
May. 24, 2011  5:13 PM
 
-----chapter 5-----
*the name*

"h-how is t-this pos-si-sible?!" said the man. Aquila cannot endure the winds anymore, and was knocked out. "I one!" shouted Axel. "now what do I do?". "ah, Ill take it from here" said Pega. Pega glowed brighter than usual, temporarily blinded the man, and he screamed out of pain.


"wake up.....". "he isn't gonna wake up like that!" shouted Pega. "urrrr....what happened....?" the man said. "ha! I told you it will work!" said Axel. "how ya' feeling? getting better i supposed?" asked Pega. "im fine..... But can someone tell me what happened?" asked the man. "we ask questions here, Not you. now, tell me what is your name?" asked Axel. "my name is .....


to be continued........
bit short,no?need to sleep,its 12:13 here
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