Twin Bladers(story)

well ase remember guys if you only tell him a thousand time before he even coperated it into his stroy he has only writtern 2 parts but you are trying to stress it he just hasn't written the corret ments yuet for the next part like if you make a tv show bad graphics at first then improves they won't go back take the episode back to put better graphics in it so think of that instead of asking him to re write his story he will put that in the next part JUST WAIT EDIT : 2nd word supose to be please but i have to rewrite whole thing to fix it and his post should be quoted FYI
(Jun. 02, 2011  7:14 PM)BillyBlast Wrote: well ase remember guys if you only tell him a thousand time before he even coperated it into his stroy he has only writtern 2 parts but you are trying to stress it he just hasn't written the corret ments yuet for the next part like if you make a tv show bad graphics at first then improves they won't go back take the episode back to put better graphics in it so think of that instead of asking him to re write his story he will put that in the next part JUST WAIT EDIT : 2nd word supose to be please but i have to rewrite whole thing to fix it and his post should be quoted FYI

Actually, I slightly disagree. While your point about T.V shows is a valid one (we all learned that from Bakuten Shoot), I disagree that you shouldn't go back and edit. Why do you think writers and poets hire editors? To look pretty? There's often a lot of mistakes writers can make, so editors are there to correct it and spice up the story. Once, I wrote a 25 chapter story, finished it, and got one of my friends to be my editor. He went back and spruced things up that I completely missed. The finished product was fantastic, and there wasn't a single error. Just think of us as your editors.
ok but REMEMBER stories are supose to be fun i dont't think Breaker actually plans on Working to the upmost level to make this be the best story in the history of stories there fun he will inocrporate it later all advice i just feel everyone is yelling at him stories are for enjoyment shouldn't they write critism is wanted if they really want it this isn't a rough draft to bey wiki this is a fun original story by breaker so lets stop this and if you want to continue PM sorry all Mods and breaker for spaming this thread
(Jun. 02, 2011  9:45 PM)Sparta Wrote:
(Jun. 02, 2011  7:14 PM)BillyBlast Wrote: well ase remember guys if you only tell him a thousand time before he even coperated it into his stroy he has only writtern 2 parts but you are trying to stress it he just hasn't written the corret ments yuet for the next part like if you make a tv show bad graphics at first then improves they won't go back take the episode back to put better graphics in it so think of that instead of asking him to re write his story he will put that in the next part JUST WAIT EDIT : 2nd word supose to be please but i have to rewrite whole thing to fix it and his post should be quoted FYI

Actually, I slightly disagree. While your point about T.V shows is a valid one (we all learned that from Bakuten Shoot), I disagree that you shouldn't go back and edit. Why do you think writers and poets hire editors? To look pretty? There's often a lot of mistakes writers can make, so editors are there to correct it and spice up the story. Once, I wrote a 25 chapter story, finished it, and got one of my friends to be my editor. He went back and spruced things up that I completely missed. The finished product was fantastic, and there wasn't a single error. Just think of us as your editors.
Yah Family Guy did the same thing. Also I want to keep the first and original copy to compare for when I am in many chapters I will use it to see how well my writing is improving. So in a nutshell I will not make chapter 1 again for comparison reasons. Thanks Breaker
(Jun. 03, 2011  1:45 AM)M.Cancer90R2F Wrote: Can you add my character

Maybe , but your charter probably wont be good.
next chapter going to be done anytime soon
haha sound weird he name is Aku because im from Indonesia
Aku Means Me in Indonesia hahaha
hmm can i request
Name:Ryan Andrian (Sound Weird haha)
Blade: Earth Burung AD145WD (Burung means bird haha the part of this blade is simple haha)
Attitude:Kind Hearted
that all haha

it's up to you to add my char or not
(Jun. 09, 2011  10:02 AM)zode76 Wrote: haha sound weird he name is Aku because im from Indonesia
Aku Means Me in Indonesia hahaha
hmm can i request
Name:Ryan Andrian (Sound Weird haha)
Blade: Earth Burung AD145WD (Burung means bird haha the part of this blade is simple haha)
Attitude:Kind Hearted
that all haha

it's up to you to add my char or not

I think I will add him and aku isnt his full first name i just shortened it to that because Akumamaramarah ( Akuma-mara-mare-ah)is to annoying to type every paragraph
(Jun. 09, 2011  6:52 PM)Breaker Wrote:
(Jun. 09, 2011  10:02 AM)zode76 Wrote: haha sound weird he name is Aku because im from Indonesia
Aku Means Me in Indonesia hahaha
hmm can i request
Name:Ryan Andrian (Sound Weird haha)
Blade: Earth Burung AD145WD (Burung means bird haha the part of this blade is simple haha)
Attitude:Kind Hearted
that all haha

it's up to you to add my char or not

I think I will add him and aku isnt his full first name i just shortened it to that because Akumamaramarah ( Akuma-mara-mare-ah)is to annoying to type every paragraph

waw thanks!
aku marah marah?
Marah means= angry ahhahaha anyway thanks!! you can change tha blade name if its sound weird haha
ere are my characters


Name: Izuma Inzori
Name: Sonai Inzori
Name: Hatachi Inzori
Name: Rez Inzori
(Jun. 15, 2011  3:42 AM)zode76 Wrote: well where is chapter 2??? 2/2

It WILL be up today YAY!
Part 2 chapter 2


After school Billy,Aku,and their friend Ryan went to the local Beystop to test out Aku's bey.

"Ok guys I just need a launcher and I should be set." Aku cheerfully said.
" Oh no no no." Billy sarcastically moaned.
" You still need a Bey-Pointer,Launcher Grip,and....and..an....."Then everything Billy said came to a slow stop as he looked over to Aku's bey
" Dude! Your clear wheel is shot!"Billy screamed.
" Yeah,His whole bey needs repairs...Lets see what we could repair it with."said Ryan
" We could get a new basalt wheel and a Metal Face but...The clear wheel is... irreplaceable."

" Oh....how about an Aquario wheel? Oh, and MB!" Aku wonderd
" I guess." Ryan said
They boy then took hours to find the parts they needed. With extremely good luck they found all the parts in the shop ,and still had time to battle.

First up was Aku vs Ryan.

"GO AQUARIO!"Aku Yelled
The beys were moving around the dish.Waiting for each other to strike.
"Now Burung ATTACK!"
Burung sprang into action then knocking Into Aquario. Then Aquario glowed Bright blue and Aku had a similar aura too!
"Aquairo... Water Strike!"
Burst of water came from the bey blasting into Burung. In seconds the battle
was over...Aquario won.
(Jun. 15, 2011  4:21 PM)Breaker Wrote:
(Jun. 15, 2011  3:42 AM)zode76 Wrote: well where is chapter 2??? 2/2

It WILL be up today YAY!
Part 2 chapter 2


After school Billy,Aku,and their friend Ryan went to the local Beystop to test out Aku's bey.

"Ok guys I just need a launcher and I should be set." Aku cheerfully said.
" Oh no no no." Billy sarcastically moaned.
" You still need a Bey-Pointer,Launcher Grip,and....and..an....."Then everything Billy said came to a slow stop as he looked over to Aku's bey
" Dude! Your clear wheel is shot!"Billy screamed.
" Yeah,His whole bey needs repairs...Lets see what we could repair it with."said Ryan
" We could get a new basalt wheel and a Metal Face but...The clear wheel is... irreplaceable."

" Oh....how about an Aquario wheel? Oh, and MB!" Aku wonderd
" I guess." Ryan said
They boy then took hours to find the parts they needed. With extremely good luck they found all the parts in the shop ,and still had time to battle.

First up was Aku vs Ryan.

"GO AQUARIO!"Aku Yelled
The beys were moving around the dish.Waiting for each other to strike.
"Now Burung ATTACK!"
Burung sprang into action then knocking Into Aquario. Then Aquario glowed Bright blue and Aku had a similar aura too!
"Aquairo... Water Strike!"
Burst of water came from the bey blasting into Burung. In seconds the battle
was over...Aquario won.
Wow! the story is really good!!! ahha i lose thats what i expect the main character always won! but sometimes lose. oh and you need an repair that im bolded
(Jun. 16, 2011  5:53 AM)zode76 Wrote:
(Jun. 15, 2011  4:21 PM)Breaker Wrote:
(Jun. 15, 2011  3:42 AM)zode76 Wrote: well where is chapter 2??? 2/2

It WILL be up today YAY!
Part 2 chapter 2


After school Billy,Aku,and their friend Ryan went to the local Beystop to test out Aku's bey.

"Ok guys I just need a launcher and I should be set." Aku cheerfully said.
" Oh no no no." Billy sarcastically moaned.
" You still need a Bey-Pointer,Launcher Grip,and....and..an....."Then everything Billy said came to a slow stop as he looked over to Aku's bey
" Dude! Your clear wheel is shot!"Billy screamed.
" Yeah,His whole bey needs repairs...Lets see what we could repair it with."said Ryan
" We could get a new basalt wheel and a Metal Face but...The clear wheel is... irreplaceable."

" Oh....how about an Aquario wheel? Oh, and MB!" Aku wonderd
" I guess." Ryan said
They boy then took hours to find the parts they needed. With extremely good luck they found all the parts in the shop ,and still had time to battle.

First up was Aku vs Ryan.

"GO AQUARIO!"Aku Yelled
The beys were moving around the dish.Waiting for each other to strike.
"Now Burung ATTACK!"
Burung sprang into action then knocking Into Aquario. Then Aquario glowed Bright blue and Aku had a similar aura too!
"Aquairo... Water Strike!"
Burst of water came from the bey blasting into Burung. In seconds the battle
was over...Aquario won.
Wow! the story is really good!!! ahha i lose thats what i expect the main character always won! but sometimes lose. oh and you need an repair that im bolded

AWESOME I WANNA BATTLE
(Jun. 16, 2011  12:56 PM)BillyBlast Wrote:
(Jun. 16, 2011  5:53 AM)zode76 Wrote:
(Jun. 15, 2011  4:21 PM)Breaker Wrote:
(Jun. 15, 2011  3:42 AM)zode76 Wrote: well where is chapter 2??? 2/2

It WILL be up today YAY!
Part 2 chapter 2


After school Billy,Aku,and their friend Ryan went to the local Beystop to test out Aku's bey.

"Ok guys I just need a launcher and I should be set." Aku cheerfully said.
" Oh no no no." Billy sarcastically moaned.
" You still need a Bey-Pointer,Launcher Grip,and....and..an....."Then everything Billy said came to a slow stop as he looked over to Aku's bey
" Dude! Your clear wheel is shot!"Billy screamed.
" Yeah,His whole bey needs repairs...Lets see what we could repair it with."said Ryan
" We could get a new basalt wheel and a Metal Face but...The clear wheel is... irreplaceable."

" Oh....how about an Aquario wheel? Oh, and MB!" Aku wonderd
" I guess." Ryan said
They boy then took hours to find the parts they needed. With extremely good luck they found all the parts in the shop ,and still had time to battle.

First up was Aku vs Ryan.

"GO AQUARIO!"Aku Yelled
The beys were moving around the dish.Waiting for each other to strike.
"Now Burung ATTACK!"
Burung sprang into action then knocking Into Aquario. Then Aquario glowed Bright blue and Aku had a similar aura too!
"Aquairo... Water Strike!"
Burst of water came from the bey blasting into Burung. In seconds the battle
was over...Aquario won.
Wow! the story is really good!!! ahha i lose thats what i expect the main character always won! but sometimes lose. oh and you need an repair that im bolded

AWESOME I WANNA BATTLE
Next chapter You fight Leana
(Jun. 16, 2011  5:53 AM)zode76 Wrote:
(Jun. 15, 2011  4:21 PM)Breaker Wrote:
(Jun. 15, 2011  3:42 AM)zode76 Wrote: well where is chapter 2??? 2/2

It WILL be up today YAY!
Part 2 chapter 2


After school Billy,Aku,and their friend Ryan went to the local Beystop to test out Aku's bey.

"Ok guys I just need a launcher and I should be set." Aku cheerfully said.
" Oh no no no." Billy sarcastically moaned.
" You still need a Bey-Pointer,Launcher Grip,and....and..an....."Then everything Billy said came to a slow stop as he looked over to Aku's bey
" Dude! Your clear wheel is shot!"Billy screamed.
" Yeah,His whole bey needs repairs...Lets see what we could repair it with."said Ryan
" We could get a new basalt wheel and a Metal Face but...The clear wheel is... irreplaceable."

" Oh....how about an Aquario wheel? Oh, and MB!" Aku wonderd
" I guess." Ryan said
They boy then took hours to find the parts they needed. With extremely good luck they found all the parts in the shop ,and still had time to battle.

First up was Aku vs Ryan.

"GO AQUARIO!"Aku Yelled
The beys were moving around the dish.Waiting for each other to strike.
"Now Burung ATTACK!"
Burung sprang into action then knocking Into Aquario. Then Aquario glowed Bright blue and Aku had a similar aura too!
"Aquairo... Water Strike!"
Burst of water came from the bey blasting into Burung. In seconds the battle
was over...Aquario won.
Wow! the story is really good!!! ahha i lose thats what i expect the main character always won! but sometimes lose. oh and you need an repair that im bolded

You are a main character though... I just spoiled a lot. TeAm
Hey wait a minute......
Is the dish you mentioned in the story was actually a stadium?
Or it is REALLY a DISH?
(Jun. 16, 2011  2:30 PM)Meteo LDrago Wrote: Hey wait a minute......
Is the dish you mentioned in the story was actually a stadium?
Or it is REALLY a DISH?

Its like a small stadium, Like the ones in the Beypark in Metal Fusion
Chapter 3
Lets Form A Team...
6-18-11

[i Aku, Leana and Ryan were walking around town looking for some of the new BeyStops that got shipments in of new parts. Aku has been hiding Aquario from Leana (so she wont ask for here own upgrade.)They were also looking for new launchers that came out.
[/i]

"Aku.....How much longer do we have to look!" Leana moned
" Just wait Leana... Their is not much more we can do. Would you rather have a bey battle with me ... We can have one strait after this... I promise" Ryan said
" No... I wanna battle Billy today..." Leana replied meanly
" Fine, Aku call Billy"
After 20 minutes of having Billy get directions to the BeyStop they were at he arrived.Then he had to go back home because he forgot his launcher... and Leana slapped him for forgetting it.

Ryan then said " bladers are you ready!"
Both said " yes"
"3....2.....1 GO SHOOT"
Leanas bey landed first then billys bey tried to hit her's while in the air and BANG...... Leana won by using the guillotine technique

" I want a rematch!" Billy demanded

" 3...2...1 GO SHOOT!"
The beys now landed at the same time Sagitario was Knocking into Fico as hard as it could Fico wouldn't budge. Taking blow after blow Fico withstood a barrage of quick attacks. Then Sagitario ran out of steam...and was barley keeping up rotation. Fico then struck an amazing blow crashing into Sagitario and sending it flying....
Billy Won.

Next thing you know they kept going at each other battle after battle.
with changing outcomes in each battle.They soon had to leave because it was getting dark. Neither Ryan or Aku bothered to keep score.
LOL nice Blademore reference Awesome
Hmm....a lot of your story is dialogue. Use more descriptions, and make sure you fall back on the tense you are writing in. You are bouncing around from 1st person past tense to 1st person present, then 3rd person omniscient, etc., etc. It tends to get a wee bit confusing so try to cut down on that as well.
Quote:You are a main character though... I just spoiled a lot. TeAm

oh thanks you very much
anyway good job the story is great!
kept going!
I hope these Chapter come quicker i want to see how this grows
(Jun. 24, 2011  11:42 AM)zode76 Wrote: update?
Oh sorry I have been preoccupied with Torrny needs so... expect one on Sunday Night!
(Jun. 24, 2011  2:41 PM)Breaker Wrote:
(Jun. 24, 2011  11:42 AM)zode76 Wrote: update?
Oh sorry I have been preoccupied with Torrny needs so... expect one on Sunday Night!

ok i will wait