Prologue
The legend recalls of a mask.Hidden in the emperor Fretuu's resting place.The one who wears it will be able to summon Temple Quetzalcoatl H250 FMB

Remember that was only a prolouge.The action starts later.
So what did you think of my story?

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Signature was too large. Read the rules.

Try making your prologue a bit longer.

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gfx by daD: sig & avatar

I agree with Aura no matter what you say back

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Thanks for feedback!

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Signature was too large. Read the rules.

also if you can, try add a bit of a twist when you write the story, something new when it's properly written

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Name:Andrew Tronigami
Bey:Jade Leone ED145RS
Beys description: The Jade wheel is Green. The leone clear wheel is a crystal white color. ED145RS are all white. Special Move: Jade Jungle Tornado: It's basiclly Lion Gale force wall.
Character description:Andrew is a very smart and funny guy. He is never afraid to crack a witty pun from time to time. He is the new kid in town and is looking to make friends. He is a very caring friend but is battle serious. He is 13 and the Hero's friend.
Characteristics:He has Long Shaggy brown hair Blue eyes. A Black T-shirt and has a green wristband on his right wrist. he wears blue jeans with green and white shoes.

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Name:Andrew Tronigami
Bey:Jade Leone ED145RS
Beys description: The Jade wheel is Green. The leone clear wheel is a crystal white color. ED145RS are all white. Special Move: Jade Jungle Tornado: It's basiclly Lion Gale force wall.
Character description:Andrew is a very smart and funny guy. He is never afraid to crack a witty pun from time to time. He is the new kid in town and is looking to make friends. He is a very caring friend but is battle serious. He is 13 and the Hero's friend.
Characteristics:He has Long Shaggy brown hair Blue eyes. A Black T-shirt and has a green wristband on his right wrist. he wears blue jeans with green and white shoes.

Stop SPAMMING that character. Haven't you already been warned for that?

MY MOTHER CARPING HARUHI! IF ONE MORE PERSON MAKES CHARACTER REQUESTS, I AM GOING TO LOG OFF AND NEVER COME BACK TO THIS SITE! I HONESTLY DON'T CARE WHAT THE OP SAYS; IT'S TRUE AND IT NEEDS TO STOP. Trust me, I know what I'm doing. I hope I don't sound like I'm bragging, but I've been writing on this site for a year and I know what's good and what's not. THIS IS A PRIME EXAMPLE OF SOMETHING THAT'S NOT.

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"Life isn't about how hard you can hit;
it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward"
{[YT]} [|BEYBLOG|] (â—ŠSoG-My Bookâ—Š)/<DA>\

Character name: Aj
gender:boy
Bey:Hell susanoo bd145 cs Defense
Bey description:Hell is Black on 1 wing blue on another wing and red on another.susanow is completely white.
Character Description:Aj is careful never trys to leave an opening for an attack and waits for the right time to strike.He dosen't like to be laughed at and won't let it go if you make him mad.
Gear:A white grip that has the word destruction carved in it. A regular string launcher and a black rubber extension grip.
Special move:Hell susanow's cs tip goes into attack mode then creates a tornado made of fire and wind the bey is launched into the sky and hell susanow follows it and knocks it out of the stadium.This move is called Elemental Sabre.

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Name:Andrew Tronigami
Bey:Jade Leone ED145RS
Beys description: The Jade wheel is Green. The leone clear wheel is a crystal white color. ED145RS are all white. Special Move: Jade Jungle Tornado: It's basiclly Lion Gale force wall.
Character description:Andrew is a very smart and funny guy. He is never afraid to crack a witty pun from time to time. He is the new kid in town and is looking to make friends. He is a very caring friend but is battle serious. He is 13 and the Hero's friend.
Characteristics:He has Long Shaggy brown hair Blue eyes. A Black T-shirt and has a green wristband on his right wrist. he wears blue jeans with green and white shoes.

Stop SPAMMING that character. Haven't you already been warned for that?

MY MOTHER CARPING HARUHI! IF ONE MORE PERSON MAKES CHARACTER REQUESTS, I AM GOING TO LOG OFF AND NEVER COME BACK TO THIS SITE! I HONESTLY DON'T CARE WHAT THE OP SAYS; IT'S TRUE AND IT NEEDS TO STOP. Trust me, I know what I'm doing. I hope I don't sound like I'm bragging, but I've been writing on this site for a year and I know what's good and what's not. THIS IS A PRIME EXAMPLE OF SOMETHING THAT'S NOT.

Sparta I have no idea what you are talking about this is a completly different character i have never used this character. Sure it has the same first name but other than that this is a different character, the one I got warned for was one that used Galaxy Gil. And Personnaly i wouldn't mind seeing you leave because your starting to annoy me

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Sparta I have no idea what you are talking about this is a completly different character i have never used this character. Sure it has the same first name but other than that this is a different character, the one I got warned for was one that used Galaxy Gil. And Personnaly i wouldn't mind seeing you leave because your starting to annoy me

1. If you're going to dis me, at least spell it right
2. Exactly; you got warned. So you start to do it again? Where's the thought process there?
3. Let's not SPAM the thread. If you still want to be an idiot, please continue to do so through PM's.

Now, to be more on topic, a review for this story:

1. Little short; please make it longer by adding descriptions.
2. Little confused by what's happening. Use some sentences to describe the scene.

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"Life isn't about how hard you can hit;
it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward"
{[YT]} [|BEYBLOG|] (â—ŠSoG-My Bookâ—Š)/<DA>\

Character name: Aj
gender:boy
Bey:Hell susanoo bd145 cs Defense
Bey description:Hell is Black on 1 wing blue on another wing and red on another.susanow is completely white.
Character Description:Aj is careful never trys to leave an opening for an attack and waits for the right time to strike.He dosen't like to be laughed at and won't let it go if you make him mad.
Gear:A white grip that has the word destruction carved in it. A regular string launcher and a black rubber extension grip.
Special move:Hell susanow's cs tip goes into attack mode then creates a tornado made of fire and wind the bey is launched into the sky and hell susanow follows it and knocks it out of the stadium.This move is called Elemental Sabre.

Is he bad guy's ally, blader dj or bey fixer?

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Signature was too large. Read the rules.

You ignored my advice, didn't you, Nyan Cat? Trust me, it will help you in the future to not have character requests, because people are going to become backseat drivers of your story, and you won't be able to keep track of them all.

Been there, done that. Just ruins any story.

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"Life isn't about how hard you can hit;
it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward"
{[YT]} [|BEYBLOG|] (â—ŠSoG-My Bookâ—Š)/<DA>\

Character name: Aj
gender:boy
Bey:Hell susanoo bd145 cs Defense
Bey description:Hell is Black on 1 wing blue on another wing and red on another.susanow is completely white.
Character Description:Aj is careful never trys to leave an opening for an attack and waits for the right time to strike.He dosen't like to be laughed at and won't let it go if you make him mad.
Gear:A white grip that has the word destruction carved in it. A regular string launcher and a black rubber extension grip.
Special move:Hell susanow's cs tip goes into attack mode then creates a tornado made of fire and wind the bey is launched into the sky and hell susanow follows it and knocks it out of the stadium.This move is called Elemental Sabre.

Is he bad guy's ally, blader dj or bey fixer?

He is an ally

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My story, I shall do with it what I like. However thank you for the advice.

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Signature was too large. Read the rules.

Chapter 1.
Will had just finished cleaning his bey, Ancient Mummy R(a)85 R(ock).He went down stairs to meet his friend, Louis.They were on their way to the local bey park.
"Hey you got that new bey yet?"Said Will.Louis just came back from France and was hoping to get a new bey their.
"Yep it's Mirror Pegasis 145 R(ubber)B(all).Or in french:Miroir Pegasus 145 RB."
When they got to the local bey park it was quiet, only a couple of people.Then, as if out of nowhere, their girl friends(Lizzie and Paula) came up behind them and suprised them.They all met up at the end of 5th grade and have been together since.
Then Aaron walked in, he was a bey bully.He had broken their beys lots of times.But today was different.They were finaly tired of being beaten up by him."Hey Aaron!The four of us, vs you."
"Deal."

To be continued next chapter!
Vote on poll, comment, 5 stars!

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Signature was too large. Read the rules.

Really no offense, but total carp. sorry if i am harsh, fix your punctuation, spacing, flow, grammar, and caps. A unique plot, but as Sparta said, "Character Requests are the nemesis of ANY writer who aspires to be good."

Trust me, I also been here, done that.

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||DeviantArt||

Oh.Well thanks for feedback.By the way I stopped taking requests 'cos everybody was telling me not to.Looks like it has'nt made my story any better.

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Signature was too large. Read the rules.

Good to see so, character requests ruin any story, (I used to take them until Sparta came along and stup me up so i quit my old story and started my new one ) keep trying, ya'll get there soon

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||Avatar is a gift not my own work||
||DeviantArt||