The Time Machine (Hereby Complete)

Poll: How is my story

Awesome
36.36%
4
Average
36.36%
4
The worst story ever made.
27.27%
3
Total: 100% 11 vote(s)
I hereby return, to the WBO with the same story edited completely. In my time gone, I have manged to finish the Time Machine and am now posting it over here. Remember to rate and review.

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4 (Pretty long chapter.)
Chapter 5
Chapter 6

Rest Of the Story:
Instead of putting it in separate chapters, I'm putting the rest of the story in one big spoiler. Forgive me if this causes any problems with you, but it truly is difficult to put a large story in spoilers.

Yes that is the end of the story, and yes it is a

I'm so evil aren't I? Anyyway, please rate and review.
Good to see returning members, so welcome back ~

Anyways, I have edited your story with spoilers, so it is now easier to read. And haha, "[" brackets are used, not "{", so I fixed a couple of those too. As for the story, I skimmed through it, and it looks pretty nice. I will come back and read it in detail soon!
Oh thanks and about the brackets, well where I was writing these brackets were to signal italic.
This story is not H.G. Wells approved.
H.G stands for?
He was a famous author who wrote a story called "The Time Machine".
(Oct. 21, 2012  5:09 PM)Akio314 Wrote: He was a famous author who wrote a story called "The Time Machine".

Ah, I remember talking about that in class.
Anyways, cool story.
It's pretty good.
Especially for an 11-year-old...
Although I started writing when I was like... 8 or 9...
Anyways! Good job! KIU.
Thanks guys. Btw chapters shall be up when I have the time however in case of my computer not working I shall stop writing until it is repaired.
This needs Morlocks.

Where are the Morlocks?
I will consider it (Just kidding)
Insomniac is right. You should add Morlocks! It's pretty good. I like it a lot, but it was kind of annoying when you didn't have the spoilers. Also, I recommend adding a poll to see how much people like it.
Sorry, I want to make new ideas not copy H.G's. Poll added
New chapter here guys very fun though.EDIT Guys please comment so I know you guys are reading.

Chapter 11 is here but please comment so I know you guys are reading.

Chapter 12 and 13 are here but guys please comment. If you are a writer you fell rejected if no one comments.


Chapter 12


By the way I am taking a break because I might be participating in a writing tournament in THIS WEBSITE but if I do not I will still be writing here.
Wow, this hasn't had a comment in a while. Anyway, it's doing better. I like it.
Yup I did'nt get a spot for the tournament so...

As far as I can tell with chapter 11, it looks like you have a few grammar and spelling mistakes. For example, there were a few un-ended quotations ("blah blah. <-Missing end quote here) and some places where you put periods instead of a comma, which would have worked better.
The next thing I guess is dialogue tags. It looks like every single one is "Said" (exaggeration, of course, but still). I think you used replied once, and that's definitely in the right direction. Anything from shrieked, yelled, laughed, cursed, bellowed...any of those will work. You;d be surprised how much a dialogue tag can improve your sentence. Something that looks like a boring statement by a character turns into a spine chilling howl, etc.
Lastly, I think you need to expand your sentences more. When you describe a scene, really take your time to do it. For example:
1. The screaming continued and it was horrible to listen to. They tried to figure out where the screaming was coming from and finally found out that it was coming from straight ahead where the Time Machine was. Zack and the Greek began to talk loudly in Greek about the ways people of this time lived.

2. The screaming wound on and on, and it was horrible to listen to. Zach and the Greek had to cover their ears and howl back, just to fight the gut-wrenching noise coming from far away. Zach perked his ears and braved the noise, deciding it was time to figure out who - or what- was howling so bitterly. "There!" he shouted, and pointed to where the time machine was. Zack and the Greek began to talk loudly in Greek, but he couldn't make out much of what they were saying. He figured it pertained to the time machine, about the ways people of this time lived. The screaming churned his blood, and a chill worked its way down his tingly spine. -Or something like that.

Sentence two is better, because it elaborates on all of the key points of that paragraph. It really puts the reader into the situation and allows him to see what you're visualizing. The more you add, the better the reader can see the picture. It's like painting a picture: with just a few brush strokes [words], you get a tree with a bird. With a few hundred, you get a deciduous tree with beautiful leaves falling all around it, as a dove soars through the frosty air.

If there's anything else you'd like me to review, don't hesitate to ask Smile
Okay thank you Sparta however I will not of course change the paragraph of the screaming as I do not want a single word taken from other where. I will use the advise you gave me in future paragraphs. Thank you very much.
I do not know why two people voted that I have "the worst story ever," One of them has no reason, saying that he never voted on my story. The other hasn't replied yet. Oh well new chapter.








Those haters who did that shouldn't put you down...Instead, it should motivate you to do even better! Your story is really good, juts that you need a bit more description on where they are what's happening and why, so it builds up a picture in your head as to what's going on. Apart from that, really well done!
Thanks Herculeo. Currently I am in a tournament of Writing by Kyouya so will not be able to write chapters.
Guys I have lost my inspiration of writing. My cousin told me this happens to many writers when they feel their story doesn't get much Appreciation, therefore I am taking a hiatius from writing. However I can promise all of the people who commented on The Time Machine, I will return. This is my first story. As soon as I feel my blood boling i will start to write. I double posted because I thought this is an anouncement that should be written in a new post.
Sorry for triple post but I feel that what I'm about to say needs to be in a fresh post.

I'M BACK.

Yes, I'm not dead, and I have hereby completed the story with edits, far and wide, so all those who haven't read it, please do.
For more details please refer to the first post and don't hesitate to PM me if you need anything or have a question about the story.