The Fairy crystal (needs character requests)

Well, this is a fantasy Beyblade Story.

There are normal humans,
Faeries: look like humans, but they've got some magical things, etc. and live in another world
and Vampires: immortal humans with sharp teeth, they drink blood

this is the main character:

Lilja Sanoja
Lilja has snow-white hair and dark blue eyes
Her bey is Miekka Tiikeri(it's finnish and means Sword Tiger)It's a bey made of pure white crystal.
she was born in Finland but lives in Japan now.


Prolougue

A man sneaked through the night. He stopped and turned." I know you're there, Koira. Come tell me where Thasha Dhul is and give the Fairy crystal to me. Then I'll spare her." he whispered.
A woman stepped out of the shadows. "No! You're a liar.I know she is safe and I would never give it to you. The fairy crystal is safe. You wouldn't even recognize it, if you were holding it in your hand."she spat. suddenly the was a flash of light. As it faded, the night was silent, and there were no signs of the man and the woman.

Fairys walking Fairy paths.
The crystal it will change the worlds.
One girl, she and her friends
will stop the bad with crystal swords.
The peace,deceptive and silent
but the fading dark will never end.


if you want to do a character request, it must contain:

Species(Faerie, Vampire or Human):
Bey:
It's special move:
Name:
the look of the person:
Character:

and please be honest. I even WANT critic, so I can get better.
wow, i like this something new, this is what i fellt like when i first had honey!
You said you wanted criticism... (Click to View)
Hey, you asked for it...
a bit harsh, and what about mine Nano? am i not good enough to refer to? jk ... the concept is good but there are some grammar mistakes and some punctuation problems. some spellings are wrong but i advise to put it on something like word and spell check it before its posted... however there are good parts. i especially like the ending, its a bit along the lines of a poem, keep working hard!
@Nwolf
Hah. Fixed.

It may be harsh, but it also helps. It gives you ideas on how to make it better. That's the point of criticism. Learn off of what others have to say.
Nano: i know, you're right. But it's pretty difficult to write Stories in so different languages.
I'm german, so I'm not that good/sure in grammar things....it would be better if you said how I could make it better, where the mistakes are, etc. And I'm alway trying to make stories longer, but It doesn't get that well....
And I know that there are so many better stories. I just need practice to get so good.

@Nwolf: Thanks for the advise, but I suppose I won't be able to do the grammar check on a german computer....
you should also put quotes,they are very useful to understand the story.an example is:''i know you're there,koira''
yup that is great advice, i love the idea but the output is not all too great