World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc. Off-Topic Forums Your Creations

THE icy heavens

Poll: is my story

good
50.00%
3
bad
50.00%
3
Total: 100% 6 vote(s)
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Mar. 18, 2012  12:24 AM
 
One day Ginka was walking when a musclar man walked out of a alley and says hey kid i heard about you and your bey and i want it who are you ginka says my name is Jaakuna tamashī
THE man launches his bey and ginka followsthe bey hits ginka's pegasaus into the air and followed it and the bey smashed the pegsus onto the ground and pegasus began to wobble
Ginka screams N0 pegasus! the man laughs and yells my beyblade is Fang hydra ft145 MCF
JUST as jaakuna yells hydra fang strike a blue flash streaks across the sky and hydra hits the floor and stops and a man with long light blue hair walks from behind Ginka and says........

should there be a part 2 tell me!

original

On a winter day (with no snow yet) Ginka is on his way to madoka's workshop. when he sees two guys with short mowhawks battling a little kid and the kid yells no please don't take my nightmare fox.
Hey leave him alone Ginka yells as he launches his pegasus. bad idea kid says one of the mysterious men says.who are you guys anyway.my name is cole and i'm royce says the second man.hmm ill remeber you two cheaters,kid go i will take these two.ok thank you ginka said the kid as he runs away. I don't know if your nobble or dumb.what ever go pegasus ginka says.go scale hydra says cole go shadow jaguar dual fang destruction both beys were engulped in dark clouds. they hit pegasus and it was launched into the air and when it hit the floor it wobbled.........

which is better
Mar. 18, 2012  11:58 AM
 
i like it but more details please
Mar. 18, 2012  12:00 PM
 
ok thank you there maybe a part 2
Mar. 19, 2012  12:28 AM
 
Dude.
You need grammer.
And why is there a 0 in the NO?
And why is there no quotation marks, no excitement...
And I didn't understand what was going on. At all.
You need to tell the story properly, and give plenty of detail, develop characters (That means use your own cast, no one form anything but your mind), and if you actually use proper grammer, start a new line every time someone speaks. EX:
"Hey Jo!" Bob said.
"Hey Bob!" Jo said.
Like that.
I'm not trying to offend you, I'm trying to help you be a better writer.
Mar. 19, 2012  10:26 PM
 
thank you this is not the first copy i changed it because i did not want any one to critize me!
Mar. 19, 2012  10:39 PM
 
Nice and yes you should have a part 2
Mar. 21, 2012  12:13 AM
 
Still needs grammer, dude.
And trust me, if no one criticizes you, you cannot get better.
Belive me, I know.
Mar. 24, 2012  4:50 PM
 
ok i have posted the first copy with a few changes. Smile
Mar. 24, 2012  4:59 PM
 
You still need grammar, punctuation...
And it's really not that good. Sorry.
Better plot, and excatly what I said before. You have a lot to improve on.
A lot.
Mar. 24, 2012  5:19 PM
 
Uncertain Not the best, not the worst.
Somethings you could work on:
Grammar: Rather than having N0 with a 0 put a O.
Dialogue: Have the characters talk more! It wont make sense if they're battling for no reason. Oh, use quotation marks also.
Jumping right in: Have a introduction! It really wont make sense if it says "One day, so and so did whatever. Describe the setting, situation.
Plot line: The story was all over, follow the plot line!
Characterization: Some people haven't heard of Ginga and don't know what he looks like. Describe him!
Pronouns: Instead of "two kids" how about, "Kaguru and Hetsuya"? That helps get the story get a better focus. Also, don't forget to capitilize names of nouns: Madoka.
Past tense: You switch from "said" to "was". Stay in past tense!
Periods: Why are you ending the story's with these;"......". It doesn't make sense!
Endings: This story leaves the reader with more questions!

Im gonna edit this so that there is some MAJOR changes. Okay? I will put the story in a new post.

A good story has to have many changes, good luck!

It was the first day of winter. No snow had fallen yet, but the sky's were dark and the wind was blowing harshly. A boy was making his way through the cold and dreary night, his tall, fire red, hair being pushed back by the breeze along with his cape. He shivered, for he was wearing a blue t-shirt, not a sweater. Ginga headed to the B-Pit shop to see Madoka. But on his travel, he encounters two bladers with short mowhawks, long, skinny jeans, and battling a little kid and the kid yells no please don't take my nightmare fox.
Hey leave him alone Ginka yells as he launches his pegasus. bad idea kid says one of the mysterious men says.who are you guys anyway.my name is cole and i'm royce says the second man.hmm ill remeber you two cheaters,kid go i will take these two.ok thank you ginka said the kid as he runs away. I don't know if your nobble or dumb.what ever go pegasus ginka says.go scale hydra says cole go shadow jaguar dual fang destruction both beys were engulped in dark clouds. they hit pegasus and it was launched into the air and when it hit the floor it wobbled.........
Mar. 24, 2012  9:36 PM
 
thank you and i want you guys to have questions by the way