World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc. Off-Topic Forums Your Creations

(Story) Beyblade: The Game Has Changed

Poll: How was my story?

I loved it! Please continue!
66.67%
4
It was ok, you can still continue
33.33%
2
Eh, I wouldn't continue
0%
0
No. Stop NOW
0%
0
JUST STOP ALREADY! IT'S HORRIBLE!
0%
0
Total: 100% 6 vote(s)
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Nov. 24, 2011  5:24 PM
 
First story on the WBO. I hope you enjoy it! Grin
Characters:
Name: Ace
Gender: Male
Age: 13
Appearance: Tall, skinny, usually wears a baseball cap, baseball jersey, jeans, and converses
Hair Color: Brown
Eye Color: Green
Beyblade Partner: Blood Vulpimancer T125HF/S (Vulpimancer = Vampire Thingy) (Attack Type)
Enjoys: Blading, Baseball, and Being an Idiot
Hates: School, Chores, and Striking Out

Name: Brenna
Gender: Female
Age: 13
Appearance: Tall enough for a 13 year old girl, skinny, wears a leather jacket, leather pants, steel-toed boots, has a nose piercing, and wears A LOT of black make-up
Hair Color: Jet Black with a yellow streak through her bangs
Eye Color: Mist Blue
Beyblade Partner: Nightmare Wolf ED145WD (Balance Type)
Enjoys: Blading, Listening to rock and metal music, Writing stories, and Watching her little cousin
Hates: Peaceful Scenery, Annoying People, Teachers, and Idiots (With an exception of Ace)

Name: Gru
Gender: Male
Age: 12
Appearance: Short, kinda chubby ("It's my muscles!" as he would say), wears a military cameo shirt, cargo shorts, and a pair of worn out tennis-shoots
Hair Color: Brown
Eye Color: Navy Blue
Beyblade Partner: Disaster Cancer (A.K.A Gasher) D125B (Defensive Type)
Enjoys: Blading, Making Robots, Being a Genius, and Getting All A's on his report card
Hates: When his Robots Explode or Fail to Work, Getting a B, and Getting Picked On (Brenna saves him most of the time, for she is the most feared kid at school)

Name: Lyra
Gender: Female
Age: 12 1/2
Appearance: Tall, VERY skinny, wears a strapless ruby-red dress, tights, and a pair of red high-heel shoes
Hair Color: Dirty Blond
Eye Color: Purple
Beyblade Partner: Flame Tigress GB145S (Stamina Type)
Enjoys: Blading, Being Popular, Giving Orders to Other People, and Organizing Things
Hates: Wartime, Disorganized Things, Brenna's Appearance, and Rock Music
Chapter 1: The Story Begins
"..... W-Where am I?" I looked around. Darkness was all I saw. A sudden sharp pain went through my head and scattered my thoughts. "AH!" I screamed, as the pain was tremendous. "What is happen-" the pain shot through again. "OUCH!!!" I screamed again. I held my head, but that didn't help. Then, footsteps. The footsteps were coming straight to me. I tried to get up and run, but as soon as I got up, I fell to the ground in pain. "What's going to happen?!" I thought "Who's after me?!" The footsteps got closer and closer. I new it was all over. Suddenly, a light shined. I looked up, to find, what seemed to be an angle. "Come." it said. Suddenly, the footsteps stop-
The bell rang.
"Well students, have a nice summer break!" our teacher said "I'll see you all next year!" she continued. "Nice Story" Ace said, as he walked up to Brenna. "Darn! I didn't finish it!" Brenna said, as her and Ace walked out the class room door. The stood there for a second and talked. "How about you finish it on the bus ride home?" Ace continued. "Fine..." Brenna said, "Let's go find Gru and Lyra." Brena slipped the story in her book bag and walked with Ace to find Gru and Lyra.
They turned to the 6th grade hallway, and soon found, Gru being picked on by two other kids. "You're just a fat little Beyblade noob!" one said "Yeah, you can't blade and you're lucky we didn't use our beys to kick your butt!" the other said. "Stop it!" Gru shouted "It's the last day of school! Leave me alone!" "Heh, that's why it's so fun!" they laughed. "HEY!" Ace shouted "CUT IT OUT!" "YEAH! PICK ON SOMEONE YOUR OWN SIZE, LOSERS!" Brenna yelled as she took out Wolf. "Huh?" the bullies said as the turned an looked behind them "AH! IT'S BRENNA! RUN!!!" They screamed as they ran away "Gets 'em every time." Brenna said in satisfaction. "T-Thanks guys.." Gru said as he wiped tears away from his eyes.
"Have you seen Lyra, Gru?" Ace asked "Yeah" Gru replied "She's at her locker." They all walked over to Lyra's locker. "Hey Lyra." Ace said. "Oh, hey guys" she turned around and said "I'm ready to go." "Okay then, let's go." Brenna said. So they all walked to the buses and went home.

I'll add chapter 2 soon! I hope you enjoyed it! Please vote on the story!
Nov. 24, 2011  5:50 PM
 
awesome story, u should do chapter 2, just BRENNA'S story is a little boring, so it doesn't hook the reader making them not want to read the real, good story and there r some grammar, spelling and realistic mistakes like "Have you seen Lyra, Gru?" should be like Gru, have you seen Lyra? other than those, like i put awesome story
Nov. 24, 2011  6:25 PM
 
Wow.
Uh...
I'd work on spell checking.
A few sentances in, I saw "new" instead of "knew"
and angle instead of angel.
All that this story needs is more development, extended chapters, and it could be great!
Just look out for similar words and auto spell check.
It turns bladers into bladders for me >,<
Nov. 24, 2011  7:44 PM
 
(Nov. 24, 2011  5:50 PM)NearLawliet1228 Wrote: awesome story, u should do chapter 2, just BRENNA'S story is a little boring, so it doesn't hook the reader making them not want to read the real, good story and there r some grammar, spelling and realistic mistakes like "Have you seen Lyra, Gru?" should be like Gru, have you seen Lyra? other than those, like i put awesome story

Eh, I'm a novice at this :\